jmargel Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 So what.. he gives you his password to his 'work' email. But before then he deletes everything he has out of it. He creates a totally new hotmail or yahoo password and uses that to email his mistress. Giving out his passwords won't do anything to resolve your problem. Either would the text messaging. He could delete those first before showing you. If he wants to cheat he will cheat. The question is do you really want to live that kind of life? Do you want to live in fear or in suspecion that he's cheating? Do you really want to play detective and keep wondering what's next? That's not how you or anyone else should live. He's not being open or respectful to you by putting you in this situation. Give him an ultamatium. Either he goes to marriage counselor with the intention that everything is going to be discussed or he is out of the house. Set a date by the end of this week and stick to it. Tough love here is in order. You are playing the his game and as long as you play it you'll never win. He's suppose to be your husband, not your teenage son. You shouldn't have to worry about where he's at, what's he's doing, etc.. It's called trust and when there is substantial loss in trust the marriage is doomed for failure unless certain steps are taken in which it starts with Marriage Counseling.
tweldy Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 Re: Do you really think IT people have time to sit around and monitor employee email? No that would be a waste of time, instead I would expect them to software for such a task. I worked for a company that sold a rules engine that analyzed all data going through a proxy server, including email, and alert administrators when something unusual was happening. It would find combinations of words and phrases that were work inappropriate or analyze output to see if someone was ftping, say, company code to a private server. It could even analyze images (shapes/skin tone analysis - cool stuff, the only software that has even been fun to test *heh*) - although that feature put such a processing load on server it was almost useless. It really depends on the place you work. Some are extremely restrictive and others let you do anything you want. Usually larger companies are more restrictive and they often have some burly IT goons to keep the frivilous application development flakes (e.g. myself) in check.
Chump64 Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 That sound like cool software, Tweldy. In this case, there were a lot of acronyms used, so maybe they thought they were flying above the radar that way. The only time I've heard of someone being busted was when they were performing poorly and someone went fishing for stuff to use against them, or when someone was downloading porn. Jmargel, I doubt anyone wants to "live" that way. I think many times, people will spend X amount of time observing someone and then either decide they can trust -- or not; then let it go / stop snooping. There has to be some breach that came up in the first place to create suspicion. If there is no cause for suspicion, then I agree -- a spouse has no right to be asking for passwords. But when you see a message from your husband to a woman that says "miss you" and "love you" -- especially a WORK email -- um, that's a different ballgame. Sometimes people just need to get down and dirty to confirm their suspicions, so they can verify and move on -- whether that means trying to work things out or getting out of the marriage. There is almost nothing worse than living in limbo, not knowing if you are being screwed over or not. It can make you feel crazy, especially when you live with someone who is used to lying and is incredibly deceitful. In my case, I was completely gaslighted / lied to, after I accidentally saw those emails and confronted him. (He left his work email up on the home computer; I'm probably repeating myself.) I asked him to go to counseling based on what I saw and he declined. So I gathered evidence he could not refute, and now he is remorseful / begging me to stay. I just don't know if I'm gonna.
Sassy Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 So what.. he gives you his password to his 'work' email. But before then he deletes everything he has out of it. He creates a totally new hotmail or yahoo password and uses that to email his mistress. Giving out his passwords won't do anything to resolve your problem. Either would the text messaging. He could delete those first before showing you. If he wants to cheat he will cheat. The question is do you really want to live that kind of life? Do you want to live in fear or in suspecion that he's cheating? Do you really want to play detective and keep wondering what's next? That's not how you or anyone else should live. He's not being open or respectful to you by putting you in this situation. Give him an ultamatium. Either he goes to marriage counselor with the intention that everything is going to be discussed or he is out of the house. Set a date by the end of this week and stick to it. Tough love here is in order. You are playing the his game and as long as you play it you'll never win. He's suppose to be your husband, not your teenage son. You shouldn't have to worry about where he's at, what's he's doing, etc.. It's called trust and when there is substantial loss in trust the marriage is doomed for failure unless certain steps are taken in which it starts with Marriage Counseling. Great post Jmargel, if they going to cheat they will no matter what!
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