Hidden passwords

[blondewifey]

What do you think of a husband who does not allow his wife to know his password to his "work" email?

I have his home email password, which he never uses. It is always his work email that he uses. I told him I would give him all my passwords, but he doesnt want them. I am sure he wants to have his privacy, but who cares unless he is hiding something?

Am I just a nagging crazy wife, or is something not right here?

 

I will show him this post later to show him what the rest of the world thinks.

[Guest]

What do you think of a husband who does not allow his wife to know his password to his "work" email?

I have his home email password, which he never uses. It is always his work email that he uses. I told him I would give him all my passwords, but he doesnt want them. I am sure he wants to have his privacy, but who cares unless he is hiding something?

Am I just a nagging crazy wife, or is something not right here?

 

I will show him this post later to show him what the rest of the world thinks.

 

No dont show him this.

First the fact he wants some privacy is ok. He may be upset that you don't seem to trust him.

So now you must answer the question - to yourself, not him - Why do you

not trust him ?

 

If there is another reason, one you have not told us about. You dont have

to tell us but lets say you suspect something is going on. You want to know.

Thats all good. Accessing his email may not reveal it. It might - that's how

I discovered the proof of my wife's affair.

 

If you want to then install what is known as a keylogger. This will record his password for you.

 

I've not used it but it comes recommended.

Of course if he does not access his work email from home it wont be any good.

[EndoftheRope]

One of two things is going on here, and in both cases, he'll give you the same answer: nothing's going on, in which case he can't imagine why you need to access his work account, which, depending on his job, may have confidential information that he could actually get in trouble for giving you access to. OR he is using his work account to hide something, in which case he's going to also deny you access, but for different reasons, and is now forewarned that you are suspicious and will be more careful to cover his tracks.

 

If and only if you have good reasons for thinking something bad is going on, put a keylogger on the computer and find out. Otherwise, leave it alone.

[blondewifey]

Yes, I know he is communicating behind my back, with a married female "co-worker". (Hubby has 2 jobs) I have proof, and he knows I know. My idea is if he promises to stop communicating with her (through his work emails, phone calls and text messages) then giving up his password for the email he uses, would be enough for me to NOT check it. It is the secrecy that confuses me. I can not install a keylogger as his computer is at his work, and he does not check his email from home.

He also refuses to give up the text messaging on his phone. He pays extra for the service. This was another way in which I found they were communicating.

I want to trust him, even though he lies, alot. Him giving up his password is like him assuring me that it has stopped. To not give up the password IMO is pure guilt. I dont know, so confused!

[Guest4]

I dont let my husband have my e mail password, and I am not doing anything wrong. He is a jealous person and even a place like LS would tick him off. i also am a jealous person and I would drive a person nuts about "whats this whos that". If your anything like me, and I was your husband I wouldnt give you my pass either!!!

[Craig]

His work password is his WORK password not his "share with his wife or anyone else password."

 

He could have access to confidential communications through his work email that require him to keep those communications confidential--I.E. he has signed some paper in which he agrees not to share his email password with anyone. That means no one, not even his loving trusting wife.

 

Regarding him not using his personal email, maybe he doesn't talk to people on a personal level using email.

 

I am sure he wants to have his privacy, but who cares unless he is hiding something?

Hello? Privacy implies private, it does not imply hiding something.

 

Besides if he wanted to keep secrets from you he could access a personal, private, secret email address on yahoo or google or msn, etc. from his work computer. You could have his work email password but still never know that he has another secret email address.

 

At some point in time you just have to have faith in your partner because there are so many ways anyone could keep a secret life without you finding out.

 

Unless you have some other red flags that suggest something is not right please stop worrying, stop obsessing, stop nagging and just let it go. Oh and be thankful that he has the courage to tell you the truth that his work (WORK) email password is off limits to you.

[Art_Critic]

I agree with craig entirely.

 

Privacy is something that we all need as well.. if you remove his total privacy who/how is he supposed to get help with issues that might bother him about thing between you 2 ?

 

for example : he should feel that he can shoot an email to a friend of his getting advice about a particular issue that is broiling between you 2.. if you know his password and check up on him he will not be able to do so..

 

Also.. His work email is exactly that.. HIS work email... I don't think you have any business knowing the private communication between him and people he talks with at work..

 

Do you want to be able to monitor who he speaks with on his work phone also ?

 

But on another note.. if he has shown you that he cannot be trusted then I understand your wanting to know but it still doesn't translate to you having the right to know..

 

Maybe you could speak with him about your distrust and see if he can work on rebuilding it

[whichwayisup]

If you had a private conversation with a friend of yours and she said don't tell anyone. That means anyone. Not even your husband! That is not keeping secrets from him, it is not betraying the trust of your friend. Right? Make sense? So, in his case the work thing is his private issue. I don't think it's fair to ask for that password and I don't think his boss would like it either...

 

I agree with Craig and A_C too. His work email address is his. There is no need to have that password unless you suspect something is going on. Another point is too, he probably does email and computer stuff at work, so the last thing he wants to do is come home and be on the computer.

[blondewifey]

Dont you guys get it? Work Email was the way he was communicating behind my back with another woman. Her emails went to his work email, and his to hers. That is why I want him to give up the password. He denied everything about this woman, even when I had the proof in my hands. Still lied right to my face for weeks after.

 

So, from what you all say, regardless that he was communicating with another woman behind my back, and he lied and lied and lied, I should just say screw it, keep your passwords and I will be, once again, the nieve liitle wife who stays home while he does what he does. So, he can cheat, lie, hurt and betray me, but I must let HIM have his privacy because.......? Why should he have privacy when he did what he did? As a wife, I have to sit here and wonder if things are still going on? God knows he wouldnt tell me if it were.

 

Yes, he did have other secret emails, I found those too.

As far as his work email, there is nothing confidental or private (other than his girlfriend) is an issue. There is nothing to keep "confidental". It is not the line of work he is in, and no papers were signed about not giving out passwords.

He can check my email every day, 5 times a day for all I care. I would not bother me a bit. Why? Because I am NOT hiding anything!

[whichwayisup]

Your earlier response was not there before, so I didn't know that he had been emailing with OW. (Join up as a member, that way your posts show up right away. Right now as a guest status, the mods have to check your post before allowing it to stay. It is time consuming and unfortunaly my reply I think is bogus now that I have more information about your situtation.)

 

OK. You need to be tough about this.

Do you know who she is? Is she married? Do you know anything about her?

 

Also, unfortunately, he may not ever be able to give you his password to work. That could go against work policy rules ... SO you have to just tell him to stop communicating with her or you're going to kick him out of the house. Those are his options. Fix the marriage, go to marriage counselling together, find out WHY he is needing the attention from an OW, and work together to fix things. Or he can leave.

[barfool]

Completely agree with this last post by WWIU. If you have this proof that he has been talking to other women and lying to you about it then his work e-mail is the least of your problems. Get yourselves in some counseling and get to the root of the problem.

[Art_Critic]

This is where he needs to do something to begin the trust rebuilding..

I wouldn't give up my work email password to anybody.

 

Just because he cheated on you and used work email to do it still doesn't give you the right to be able to check his work email at your choosing.

 

you would be better to ask him to prove that he is not communicating by showing you the address book and inbox/sent box. but you would have to ask him to do that before he had a chance to delete everything.

 

He doesn't own the email.. his company does.. so therefore since you are not employed there you have no right to the passwords.

 

I think you need to talk with him about your distrust of him based on his past performance and get him to understand that he has to PROVE to you that he isn't having an affair.

I also think you need to pop in on him at work and ask to see his inbox.

 

I also think you need o be in marriage counseling to work on the trust issues together

 

You are making more of this than you need to..

With hotmail and yahoo mail as well as other free mail service he can use any of those to communicate with her. and those you cannot track.

So getting the password does nothing but remove his privacy at work.

 

You could look to see if the computer browser has hit those sites though.

[tanbark813]

I can understand demanding personal email passwords but work is different. That's something that can get him fired. It might even be illegal depending on his line of work.

 

Besides, I've never understood why people demand email passwords. Say he DOES give his work email. So what? He can start an email account in 2 minutes with Google, Yahoo, MSN, etc., etc., etc... and you'll never know about it.

 

If you're that sure he's cheating, just divorce him and save yourself the headache. Or hire a P.I.

[Guest]

Maybe you can't get his email, but you CAN try to keep track of his movements. If he's having an affair, there have to be times when they get together. Watch for times where he says he is working late, or meeting friends, etc., and then find some way to check up on him. Go there in person, or ask a friend to do so. As a last resort, hire a PI, but they can be expensive.

[No Stress Lady]

Are you talking about a Yahoo or Hotmail address that he uses purely for his business and accesses at home as well as at work?

 

Or a password to his computer at his office??? If the latter then what is the point of him giving you the password - he'd probably be fired if he comprised company info and what on earth are you planning to do - enter his workplace, sit at his desk and check his emails????!!! Sounds nuts to me.

 

Plus, as numerous other posters have said, there's nothing to stop him setting up fifty new email accounts with Yahoo or Hotmail, whatever - and using a PC in any anonymous internet cafe/library etc.

 

 

The issues here are clear - you obviously don't trust him. If you feel confident that your gut feelings are correct and you have a sound basis/evidence for knowing that he's definitely cheating then you have ask yourself if you want to stay with him. If you do then the earlier posters give good advice - talk to him and think about counselling.

 

If, on the other hand, your imagination is running riot and you're overblowing the whole issue in your own mind then bear in mind that this will probably drive him away anyway in the long run. Nobody wants to stay with someone who permanently treats them with suspicion and refuses them any privacy.

 

I know that you have your reasons to be jumpy but try to see the bigger picture and don't get tunnel vision about the email issue.

 

Good luck - you have some difficult issues to think about here.

[Guest]

blondewifey,

 

there are keyloggers that you can install remotely.

[chick31]

there are keyloggers that can be installed remotely?

[UnderWorld]

im sorry if u know every password he loses his own idenity really...then ur gonna freak out if theres maybe another email...what then? ur never gonna be satisfied.

[Craig]

Bottom line is that he could get a cheap $100.00 computer to have at work exclusively for his emails to OW if she's still around. He could get a pay as you go cell phone to text and call her and you'd never see a connection between him and the cell phone if he paid cash and gave a phony name and address when he purchased it.

 

There are a thousand ways he can keep in contact with her without you knowing.

 

The work email password is just a temporary symbol that if you knew it you think you could trust him but you couldn't trust him for long because your untrusting mind would wander to all the other possibilities and the distrust would return again. You have to find a way to rebuild your trust in him or get out of the marriage.

[Chump64]

I strongly disagree that work email deserves sacred protection from a spouse’s eyes, if you know there is cheating going on. I hope I don’t offend anyone with my strong opinions. But you know what?

If you (you in general) cheat on a spouse, you lose all rights to privacy.

 

My husband’s affair went on entirely during the work day. Never a cell phone call, never a credit card charge, never a call to the home phone. Never an hour late for work or an unexplained ‘trip to the store’ in the evening. He and the OW operated en.tire.ly by email during the day, and by telephone conversations (using work based email accounts and work telephones). They had sexual forays anywhere from 1-3 times per week, all nooners.

 

Here’s how I found out. He accidentally left his work email up on the home computer one night, and I thought it as my work email / saw the evidence. He denied it and tried to make me feel crazy. I did everything in my power to get into his work computer and to record his phone conversations in his workplace. And yes, he handles a LOT of confidential info. for a huge institution. Too bad. I wasn’t looking for that and had no intention of using it.

 

Was it legal? No. Was it moral? No. But it pales in comparison with his decade-long affair. I knew he was screwing someone else and that I had to shove evidence in his lap to make him face it. I have no regrets and I have no qualms about spying if you know someone’s screwing you over, but you don’t have (yet need) solid proof in hand.

 

About passwords: There are keylogging devices that are actual hardware (vs. software) which can be attached to a computer via the keyboard. This means they cannot be detected by spyware scans. You can capture all keystrokes. That way, if someone uses a web-based account or instant messenger, you can not only capture their passwords but also everything they have typed / every website they’ve been to.

 

 

I’ve become an expert in spying. Don’t even bother with a PI. You can do so much on your own if you just have the cajones.

[Chump64]

I wouldn't bother with a remote keylogger. Virus scans will pick them up. (You can email them to someone as an attachment along with some other benign attachment.) If you can get into your spouse's workplace, consider attaching the type of item I mention in my previous post. You activate these devices on YOUR computer, unhook them, put them on HIS computer, then remove it and download all his keystrokes back to your computer to read.

 

I don't advocate living your life spying on your spouse. I did it to find out for sure what was going on. Now that I know, he is (supposedly) operating on the straight and narrow. I am not going to spy on him and live in fear of cheating forever. We are trying to work this out but if it happens again, I am so.out.of.here.

 

Do a google search for the term "keyphantom" or for "keycatcher."

[Guest]

This whole thread is a laugh. Do you know how many girlfriends have given me their e-mail passwords to "prove" that they "have nothing to hide?" It's BS. They ARE hiding something. This is Lying 101. Be truthful about something that doesn't matter while you're lying about something that does.

 

Even in a marriage there should be some expectation of privacy. You may disagree, but believing that both people are 100% open is bound to set you up for disappointment.

 

The best way to catch a liar is to let him/her believe it's gone unnoticed. Nagging him for e-mail passwords simply reveals to him where your suspicions lie. Be cool.

[tweldy]

The problem is you can't trust your husband and, apparently, for a damn good reason. If I was emailing a coworker for hanky-panky at the place where I currently work, I'd be fired so fast it wouldn't even be funny - if you husband has been using work email for such a purpose, I'm surprise an IT goon hasn't paid him a visit. Unless, of course, he works at a small company without substantial IT management.

 

If my wife was, for whatever reason, concerned about my work email, I wouldn't *give* her the password (major violation of security protocol), but I would log in for her whenever she requested and let her read the 100 or so daily emails I receive. Really, there aren't any secrets that you husband should be keeping from you. He should be able to let you read his email and leave you embarrassed that you even asked in the first place. Apparently this is not the case.

[Chump64]

My husband IS an IT goon (for a large organization) and using his work email daily was one way he he carried on his affair. (Do you really think IT people have time to sit around and monitor employee email?)

 

Confidential info? You bet. Why would a snooping spouse even care about that stuff, though - much less try to use it? I don't even know what any of it means.

 

My husband didn't give me his PW. I went after it.

[Sassy]

There are ways of finding out the passwords without asking. If he won't give you his password then he has something to hide. There are programs you can download to retrieve passwords .My s/o gives me his passwords because he has nothing to hide. I see nothing wrong with you wanting to know because that is how his affair started through emails. In order for you to win his trust back he has to give you the passwords for you to believe that it isn't happening. If he doesn't than i would be worried something is going on. Good LUCK