daydream_gurl Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 Hi everyone, I came here looking for some advice so I hope someone here can help me. Well I've been dating my bf (or ex-bf, I don't know anymore) for just over three years. For the most part, he's very good to me. We talk on the phone every night, go out at least once a week, he can be sweet and he's generous and caring. BUT, of course, not everything is perfect and there's some worse things about him too. We're quite different in a lot of ways... we have different goals in life, he's not independent at all (lives at home, doesn't drive, doesn't do laundry, can't cook, etc.), he can be immature and hurtful, and he's not very outgoing and doesn't really have many friends. Obviously, there are a lot more positives and negatives but I won't list them all here. Things were going going very well in the beginning of our relationship and he would make a lot of effort to spend time with me and make me feel special. But for the past while (I'd say the past year or more), things seem to be going downhill. We'd have fights occasionally, such as one time at work (I work part-time in a retail store), I got a phone call from some creepy guy that was apparently watching me and the guy threatened to rape me. I was very scared to the point of crying at work but when I told my boyfriend about it that night, he was laughing his head off. And like usual when we fight, we don't call each other and ignore each other until one of us gives and and finally calls. So we had another fight 10 days ago and we've never ignored each other for this long before. It was very hard but I've pretty much decided that we're not right for each other and I planned on going to his house last Saturday (one week after the fight) to break up with him. But when I finally got the nerve to call him, he would'nt answer my phone calls or messages. At this point, I know he's ignoring me (which he's never done before). I was going to continue ignoring him but I've finally decided to just show up at his house with a break-up letter and my promise ring. I planned on being more mature about this and sparing his feelings but it seems pretty obvious to me that he doesn't care anymore and doesn't want to work things out. He's not even "man" enough to just call me and break up with me so it seems like I shouldn't feel guilty for this but I do. Any advice? edit: Oh yes, and it might also be noteworty to mention that it's his birthday TODAY. We had reservations and everything and even had tickets for a hockey game last night. Obviously, I didn't go but who knows if another girl did. And it's also quite terrible time since it's Valentines next week too...
Mistaken Identity Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 I don't know how old you are, so it's hard to answer. Anway, I would say your boyfriend is a jerk for laughing about your fear of being raped. Why would he laugh? Is it possible he was uncomfortable and didn't know how else to react? Second, it sounds like you two didn't have any mutual goals. Did you plan a future together? Third, I'd say you're right to dump him. He sounds incredibly self-centered and lazy.
Author daydream_gurl Posted February 8, 2006 Author Posted February 8, 2006 I'm 21. He's turned 22 today. Well that time, he said he laughed cause when I told him, I was trying not to be upset and I guess it sounded like I was making light of the situation so maybe he thought that I thought it was funny too. And when I said he was laughing, I mean it sounded like he was doubled over laughing his ass off like I just told him the funnieset joke ever. And as for our future, yes we actually planned on getting married and having kids and everything, which is what makes this so hard. I could actually see myself with him for the rest of my life but I'm starting to realize that I'm kidding myself. We're both university students and not exactly sure what we want to do after graduation but I'm working hard to make that happen ASAP. On the other hand, he's only in school part time (= 2 courses per semester) and working part time on the side. He definately puts a lot of effort in school and gets ok grades from a lot of studying, but truthfully, he's not exactly very intelligent.
Author daydream_gurl Posted February 8, 2006 Author Posted February 8, 2006 Alright so I've decided to go over to his house today. If he's not home, I'm going to give his parents my letter so they can give it to him. If anyone has any words of advice before I go, I would be very grateful. Thank you!
Anyways Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 my ex and i also had times when we didn't contact each other for about a week or more bc of a fight. it is really a bad sign. i didn't contact him bc i tried once in the beginnning and i just said...if he wanted to talk...he'll call but he never did. so, i figured he was waiting for me to call and he was the one that got mad at me about something...so...i'll give in. i didn't think it was my fault but i did see his side. he made something bigger than it really was. basically, i figured...it is not healthy to not talk for a week and not talk about the fight or problem. maybe a few days or so to cool down the anger is ok...but anything longer than that is pride, stubborness, immaturity and stupidity. good luck with trying to contact him and breaking up. he could be like my ex who likes it when the girls beg and act clingy and call him numerous times. it kinda makes him feel good...but of course too much can be really annoying and you just have to know when to stop. it feels like you're feeling really strong about this like i was....and now...i miss him so much and maybe i should have said something to make it work coz i kinda gave up. let us know what happened.
Author daydream_gurl Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 oh god i feel like i'm going to die just about now. just got back from his house a while ago. been crying my eyes out since i walked out of his house. apparently his phone got stolen the very day after our fight and he doesn't remember my phone number by hear. and apparently again, he sent me an email last week but i never got it. we talked for a little bit and he wanted to work things out... god this was so hard. i love him too but i don't think we will work out... we broke up. how do i know if this was the right decision? how do i make the pain go away?
Author daydream_gurl Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 i meant to say he doesn't know my # by heart *sigh* i need to stop crying... =(
Blue in Texas Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Daydream Girl, of course you made the right decision. Just from what you have told us he is "not exactly intelligent," which is borne out by the fact that he a) couldn't send you an email properly, and b) he couldn't check his old phone statements to find your number. It sounds to me like he is not exactly honest either. And anyone who laughs about his gf's (or anyone else's) fear of rape is too immature to have a relationship with. I think you know that you made the right decision. It hurts a lot and I bet you are questioning whether you can end the pain by taking him back. That's pretty natural. But is seems to me is that all you would be doing is delaying the pain. This guy needs to grow up and it's not your job to help him do it.
Author daydream_gurl Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 *sigh* you're very right, Blue in Texas. He wants to give us one last try and he promises that he'll change and we'll work things out because we're meant to be together. In a way, I want to give in but i'm scared that that would mean that I'll hurt myself more in the long run. How on earth will I make this decision?
clynn Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 I doubt he is lying about your number and the email thing. I mean, if he was serious about breaking up with you....he wouldn't bother to lie. Would he? ? ? ? And if you're as serious as you say, talking about marriage and children....then it is worth working it out. Everyone has problems and fights and sometimes you need time apart to work them out and to put things into perspective. I imagine that him laughing over the rape thing has more to do with him not knowing how to handle the situation - with feeling uncomfortable. It was definitely an inappropriate response, but sometimes people get nervous when they hear bad news and don't know how to respond. It is stupid, isn't it? But it is human. I've been known to laugh when people of told me of bad accidents or someone dying. I feel awful about it but I don't know, it just happens. Let your heart help guide your decision. Do your parents have anything to say?
Blue in Texas Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 I have no doubt that this guy has feelings for you. And he may have been being straight with you. It's also likely that he has some ambivalence and doesn't really know what he thinks. But you have pointed out all sorts of red flags. People don't change, Daydream Gurl. Or at least not as quickly as he promises to. It may be that you were mad and were venting, making him sound worse than you really think he is. If that is the case and you really love him, then it is worth trying to salvage this. Clynn makes a good point about your parents, which I would extend to include your close friends. What do they think of him? If they see him as the sort of guy you described in your posts, bail. You are only 21. I know it will hurt, but there are going to be plenty of chances to marry and have kids with a guy about whom you do not have serious reservations.
Author daydream_gurl Posted February 12, 2006 Author Posted February 12, 2006 First, thank you clynn and Blue in Texas for your support and advice. I was intending on thinking things through for a few days but I saw him online on MSN yesterday so we started talking and then switched to talking on the phone. I feel terrible because he's trying so hard to give us another chance but I just can't get past my doubts and fears. So basically, we finally broke up. I'll probably never see or hear from him again because he says it's too painful to see me and not be able to be with me. That is one of the worst things about this because he was my best friend and now I've lost him forever. In some ways, he's the sweetest, most generous and caring guy I've ever met, but maybe I'm blinded by love of just being realistic, but there's also many problems that I don't think I can ignore. I still don't know if it's the right choice and right now, I'm so tempted to call him back and make things right again. Even though it's all happened already, I'll answer your questions so you can get a better idea of everything. I don't know exactly if he's lying about anything (of course he says he's not), but things like the email that he supposedly wrote make it seem like he's trying to put himself in a better light so I'll take him back. And yes, I truly could see a future with him but there were aspects of it that werent' exactly perfect and I guess a part of me knew it all along. One of the hints is that's he sometimes has a short temper and doesn't get along very well with kids. He has a 5 year old nephew that's quite a brat.. can't listen to instructions, is violent, throws tantrums, etc. And my bf (... well i guess he's my ex now) absolutely couldn't stand being near the kid. As for laughing at the rape thing, the laugh definately wasn't a nervous one- he literally burst out into laughter. I answered someone else about this in a previous post but basically, my ex thought I wasn't really that worried or scared since I was trying to be strong and I guess I was making it sound less serious than it was when I was telling him. And about my parents'/friends' opinion of him.. well my parents are divorced so he only really sees my mother because I live with her. My mom likes him for the most part. But my ex was always afraid of her just because she's very talkative and I suppose he's more shy, especially with people of our parent's age. As for my friends, my best friend (a guy, and no there's absolutely nothing going on between me and him) has been a big help with my problems lately. I was out with both him and my ex during our last fight and my friend was quite mad at the way my ex was ignoring me when we were pissed off at each other. Obviously, my friends would be biased towards my side but they've been trying to convince me to break up with him. It was mostly me who decided to consider giving my ex another chance.. that never happened though, I guess. Well now that we're finally broken up... I'm quite lost with myself. We spent so much of our time together that I neglected a lot of my friends and now it seems like I have no one left in my life. My biggest fear in life is loneliness and now I guess that's what I feel. And I'm still in school but it's been unbelievably hard to concentrate the last 2 weeks because of what happened. And another important question, how do I tell all my friends and family that I've broken up with him? My mom doesn't even know what's going on but I guess she suspects it because she mentioned how terrible I looked when I had puffy, red eyes and she asked if I'd been crying. That was 2 days ago I guess and I said no. People will start asking about him and I don't know whether to lie to them or tell them the truth and risk bursting into tears. He was my first love and my first break-up and I feel so lost right now without him. So confused and unsure if I made the right decision. And I'm also feeling terrible because I know I broke his heart too. He doesn't want to ever see or talk to me again but should I write him one last email to tell hiim how sorry I am and how I wish him the best in the future? Please, I all the advice I can get... =(
clynn Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 Don't contact him again unless you want to contact him to, at the very least, consider a reconciliation. It sounds like you are certain about wanting the break up although you are sad about it.
Blue in Texas Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I would leave well enough alone at this stage. Once you have made your decision, stick with it. It's hard, but it's something we all have to go through, and we all come out the other side. Every time you have some form of communication, it causes pain. That is why no contact is important. Your primary focus right now needs to be you. You do not need to be worrying about what your obligations are to others. If you feel like telling some people that you have broken up, do it. But if you think talking about it right now will hurt too much. Keep it to yourself. You shouldn't contact your ex, b/c he needs to be able to heal as well, and hearing from you will set him back. He seems to have made that clear. Good luck DG, I know this is hard.
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