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What should the GF 'expect' in this situation?


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Posted

Pleeease help guys!

The shortest of shorthand possible to my little dilemma.

 

BF went on a required business trip last year abroad. He was gone for a few weeks. On his weekends O/S he travelled with a business partner [male] and ended up doing a guided tour of a couple cities over the two day weekends. He made friends with a female amongst other people on one of the tours.. who is still in contact with him. She lives a few states away so they haven't seen each other since his business trip, they e-mail frequently and she has recently been calling a fair bit. They are friends, I do not mind the contact.

 

Before it is alluded to by an LS'er I am not threatened, jealous or insecure of his friend. This is not my issue. I know where BF wants to be and with whom and I have never suspected anything to be 'going on'.

 

Anyhow, recently she had been enquiring about his love-life, [whether the 'woman' was still around and how our r'ship was going if we were in fact still together.] That she was going on another O/S trip and wondered whether he would join her, completely disregarding the fact that he is in a relationship, and whilst they are good friends, they aren't the type of friends who plan Overseas visits together. He found this weird and a little suspicious, but replied saying that everything was peachy with he and I, that we're still together and that we were planning a mini-holiday for in a few months time so he couldn't afford to take another holiday for a while. I think he handled this well. Ie - He was honest but not assuming of her intentions which would have caused embarassment for both sides if this was not the case.

 

When she called the other night I was out jogging. They spoke for the duration of my jog and then some, I am unsure as to whether she knew I was present when they were finishing up with their chat. I think she was under the impression I wasn't at his place that night.

He told me after they hung up, she was saying she was lonely, feeling unloved and unattractive to men at the moment. Just a rant I guess. He was supportive and helped her feel better.

 

A few hours later we were watching a DVD and his phone beeped, it was her and after reading it, he handed the phone to me in almost a 'knowing' expression.

She declared in her text message that after speaking to him she's realized how much she missed him, that she has feelings for him and whilst she knows it's 'wrong' she wants to spend time with him and see where it leads.

I was surprised but not exactly shocked. If that makes sense.

 

We spoke about it wuite calmly, and he is feeling stuck as to what he should do.

'Do' in the sense that he doesn't know what this does to their friendship.

I said that [naturally?] he should either call or e-mail or whatever, and explain that they are friends but now that this has come up, he needs to space himself from her until her feelings have subsided... if it's possible.

 

In a way I feel betrayed by her as in, she was always nice to me and I was always welcoming of her phone calls, but now it makes me feel as though she's always had these feelings for my BF and has been 'biding' her time, and when she heard after a year or so we are still strong, I suppose she gave up on waiting until it was suitable to move in for the kill?

 

This is awkward for my BF and I know he will do what he thinks is best. Which is usually the same thing I'd do..

 

But what would you do if your partners friend admitted these feelings. Is it right of you to suggest they break contact for a while if not indefinitely? Or is that labelled under controlling? :sick:

Posted
I said that [naturally?] he should either call or e-mail or whatever, and explain that they are friends but now that this has come up, he needs to space himself from her until her feelings have subsided... if it's possible.

 

This is awkward for my BF and I know he will do what he thinks is best. Which is usually the same thing I'd do..

 

But what would you do if your partners friend admitted these feelings. Is it right of you to suggest they break contact for a while if not indefinitely? Or is that labelled under controlling? :sick:

I would suggest that he speaks or writes to her, not in terms of space, but in terms that make it clear that while he's enjoyed knowing her, she's obviously read too much into it so to avoid any further confusion or upset, it would be better for them to stop the contact because it's not going anywhere and is no longer appropriate..

 

If a male friend of my wife's admitted to such feelings I would expect my wife to handle it just as I've suggested. However, I wouldn't expect to have to suggest it. I'd expect my wife to do it entirely on her own because she recognized how problematic it had become.

 

That's precisely what happened with a man she worked with and she made it very clear to him that she was off limits and he was out of bounds. I didn't have to say a thing.

Posted

I agree with the above. There's is not a friendship that he should need to preserve in any significant way -- in fact, I would see it as completely inappropriate for him to have any more contact with her.

 

Anything less than that and he is leaving the door open to her. Just tell him you think it is not appropriate for him to be in any contact with her (his previous contact was excessive anyway).

Posted

agree with curmudgeon. and yes, your boyfriend should do this on his own. if you have to insist, no it is not controlling. but i would lose respect for your boyfriend if he doesn't see this on his own. and would suspect that he might have developed feelings for her as well.

 

i agree with you that she always had a thing for him and was biding her time. i'm sure your bf must have sensed this to some degree.

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