Raven1845 Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 My ex never broke up with me. He just stopped contacting me. He did this over and over, and each time I would ask him if he wanted to stop seeing me. He'd always assure me that he wanted to keep seeing me and not break up. After it happened over and over, I decided to end it. I never got a reply from him. Any time I contact him I am always sweet and take the blame, even though the fault is his. He treated me horribly. I've also told him that if he ever changes his mind about me, to please let me know. Now I'm thinking I should say, "If you ever change your mind about me, tough! You blew it!" I keep wanting to send him an email that tells him what I really think of the way he treated me. Kind of telling him off. Is this a good idea, or would I just be wasting my time? Is it better to walk away without ever telling them off, even if they deserve it?
gfto Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 keep your cool. cease all communication with him. he disappeared on you. so you disappear on him.
riobikini Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 RE: Raven: " I keep wanting to send him an email that tells him what I really think of the way he treated me. Kind of telling him off. Is this a good idea, or would I just be wasting my time? Is it better to walk away without ever telling them off, even if they deserve it? " Dear Raven, It would be such a waste of good breath, I'm afraid. Many just like him, (I'm thinking of one, right now), never the developed comprehension skills necessary to understand why you would be so hurt over such a small matter involving something as petty as mere, human, 'sissy', feelings. I hope you are reading in the sarcasm, here. Quite seriously, he probably hasn't the slightest clue that you were ever hurt as deeply as you were, because, unless he felt as strongly for you, he never experienced the same kind of pain, and therefore, cannot truly appreciate your angry words no more than he appreciated the "I Love You's' that you breathed to him. So, save your breath. Write them instead, for your own special kind of 'therapy' -but don't send them- keep them handy to view a few months down the road when you're feeling much stronger and have truly moved on with your life. When reading them, you will probably experience a little twinge of that 'old familiar feeling', -but chances are, you'll get at least one laugh out of them, and loads of reassurance that you did the right thing by letting it go. (Smile) Keep Posting. Take Care. -Rio
climbergirl Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 I've read Rio's posts and she is very, very wise. However.... .....I may be the only one to think this, but I feel you should write him to redeem yourself. I wouldn't want him to always think that you are always there waiting for him. Actually, I wouldn't care what he thinks, but I care what you inevitably think of yourself. Say it is over. Tell him not to contact you....ever. Period. You....are...done! And mean it!!
WindDrifter Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 i agree with climbergirl it might give you some closure and he can really know that you are gone and dont want him back.
riobikini Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 RE: ClimberGirl: " Say it is over. Tell him not to contact you....ever. Period. You....are...done! And mean it!! " That could work. And it would certainly make you feel better, that is, if you haven't already told him it's over. If you have, then no need to write letters to him. -Rio P.S. Great insight, CG.
Author Raven1845 Posted February 8, 2006 Author Posted February 8, 2006 Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your input. I appreciate it so much. I agree that I should just let it go, because he wouldn't care, anyway, and like Rio said, it would be a wasted on him. It might even hurt me more. But . . . What climbergirl is saying is what keeps popping up to me, as well. I don't want him to know that I'm pining away for him and eagerly awaiting his return. I know that right now he thinks all he'd have to do is call and I'd be right there with open arms. After all, that's pretty much what I told him. Regardless that I want him back, I don't want him to know it. I just talked to a girlfriend of mine and she talked to him tonight. There is a club she and I go to on Thursday nights and he said he's going to be there this week. He use to go there before, but has never been there while I'm there. I know he will be hitting on every girl in sight in front of me. That's just how he is. My friend wasn't going to tell me he was going, because she didn't want me not to go. I'm starting to think she's being a little shelfish and not taking into consideration how hard it would be on me. I (just had to) ask if he said anything about me. "Not really," she said. She had asked him who he was dating now and he said, "Which one?" My insides are in knots over that. I'm so easily discarded and replaced. (and not just by one, but many). He didn't seem to feel bad about me at all. Very nonchalant and no big deal about it all. She told him he was lucky to have me and he just said, "Yeah, I know. I've got to go." JERK! I've been feeling near death and he's out chasing skirts without a care in the world. Do I stay home which will let him know I didn't go because he was there? I don't want him to get a kick out of knowing he made me stay home. or Do I go and tell him off, be mean to him, be nice to him, or totally ignore him? I can't believe he's not bothered in the least! I think that hurts more than anything. Oh Rio, it hurts so bad. I know you understand. I know you all do, and I think so highly of all of you, regardless of never meeting. You're all so caring and compassionate. Qualities this guy will never possess. Hugs to you all, Raven
dgiirl Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 I wouldnt bother telling him anything. They tend to use it against you, atleast mine did. The least they know, the more they'll wonder.
HotCaliGirl Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 If you still get tempted to spill your guts in an email, make sure you delete it and don't send it! or send it to yourself to get it out of your system...then work on leaving him so he doesn't treat you like a doormat to come and go as he pleases while walking all over your feelings.
riobikini Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 I don't remember who posted the following in their signature, but it is so full of truth: " Silence is the most profound 'goodbye' you'll ever not hear. " -Rio
Lishy Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 Raven - I was in the same situation! This is what I did and it worked Get dressed to KILL - Look the best you can look Go to the club and keep your back to him - Tell your friends not to tell you if he is dancing or talking to any girls and HAVE FUN! Chat to guys or just chat to your girlfriends! But the key is to HAVE FUN! Now this pat is the crux - When he does come up to you acting like the cool guy, look him up and down like he is something the cat dragged in and then turn back to your friends and HAVE FUN! You do not need to send an angry mail telling him how you dont want him anymore - SHOW HIM - Doing it that way has a double impact, 1. Job done, he knows you do not WANT him ans .. 2. You have your self respect back! And even if you walk out of there and sob like a baby all night you will know he has the message! I did this a few weeks back and the guy was staring at me ALL Night and winking and I just smiled and looked away! Then 2 weeks later I went back and realised that he meant nothing to me and that I could have him back if I wanted to - But I dont need him or his flakyness - He even texted me after I left the last time and I didnt respond! JOB DONE! Now I can get on with my life and realise that he is nothing and that I deserve more!
Author Raven1845 Posted February 8, 2006 Author Posted February 8, 2006 A girlfriend of mine saw my ex last night. If you know my background story, you know that he never really broke up with me, but left me hanging. Anyway . . . this is the girlfried I'm going out with Thursday, but not sure if I can now. I like what Lishy said about being dressed to kill and ignoring him. I've been thinking about that, but probably no matter how good I look, he won't care. It would never be good enough for him. I'm beginning to wonder if this friend of mine is a real friend. She told me that she asked who he was dating and he said, "Which one?" Which broke my heart all over. I couldn't help it. I sent him a text message this morning. Me: Did "x" ask you who you were dating and you said, "Which one?" Him: Why? Me: Is that what you're really like? Him: I'm not committed. Me: And believing in only having sex with one person at a time. Is that just something you said? Him: Does it really matter now? *(sorry, but it matters to me who he was sleeping with while he was sleeping with me. It's been less than 2 weeks!) Me: Why did you never end it with me? Him: You did with text messages this weekend. *So not true! I had been drinking and texted him and when he didn't respond, all I said was to let me know if he changed his mind about me. That's not breaking up with him. I asked him to call and he did. It took 52 minutes for him to tear me apart. I remained calm. At least he thought I was calm. He said, "I hear you've been going to club "so and so" and you were with a guy last weekend, texting me, trying to make me jealous . . . NOT that I care or anything." (I was with a male FRIEND). I had texted, "I'm with a dork . . . I miss you." How do he get that I was trying to make him jealous out of that? I was trying to tell him no one else mattered. And if he really doesn't care, why bring it up? Do you think it bothered him at all? Anyway, after ripping out the mending pieces of my heart he said, "There are only 3 things I need. School, money and pu**y." (he's a non-traditonal night class student like me). That hurt so bad. I told him that I really fell for the guy he was in the beginning. I asked him if he was only that sweet to get me to continue to have sex with him. He said, "Why not?" OUCH! Then kept jumping back and forth between he only acted that way for sex to he didn't. I think he was being honest with the hurtful comments. He asked, "Are you in love with me?" I said, "No." (not true). He said, "RELIEF!!!" I almost passed out. How? How can anyone be that cruel? I'm rambling, I know, but I am absolutely beside myself. I'm sorry. He asked why I always thought he didn't want to see me. I said, "You never call me. I usually wait about 9 to 10 days and then have to call you. I've told you time and time again that it hurts to be the only one doing the calling." He said, "I don't see a problem with 10 days. YOU should have called me. I shouldn't have to. I don't see why you want me to call you every day and be that sweet guy that just says hey, and tell you all the crap I told you in the beginning." I said, "I never asked you to call me every day or to lie to me, I just wanted to see you at least once a week." He said, "Well, I don't see a problem with once every 14 days or so. I told you I don't want a commitment." I said, "Yeah, you told me 3/4 into our relationship, after the 'I want to marry you and want you to have my children' speech." He said, "What's YOUR problem?" I asked him to please be honest with me. To tell me he didn't want to see me anymore. Eventually, he did, but of course it was turned around on me like everything else always is. "Well, if you keep wanting that guy in the beginning and I'm still him and you don't believe me, then it's time for you to let go of me." Why? Why turn it around on me as if to say, "You could be happy, but NO, you have to keep screwing it up with me. You screwed everything up, not me. You're the one with the problem." Why not take responsibility for it and just say it's over without making me feel like it's over because it's my fault? I told him he was lucky to have me. (He normally dates trashy girls with no class . . . go figure!) I said, "I'm the best of them." He said, "What makes you think you're the best of them?" That hurt so bad. I explained my attributes, which I've been told are very hard to find all in one person. He says, "I can get someone else like you . . . someone even better. It wouldn't be hard." I said, "are you so sure?" He said, "Well, I'm not that experienced yet. Ask me in a few years and maybe I can give you a better answer." I feel like I'm dying. I can't believe he could be so callous. Now that he ended it, or I made him end it, rather. I know it's truly over. The pain is so horrible. I had asked him earlier, "Do you ever miss me? Does it bother you at all not to see me?" He said, "It's only been 14 days. It hasn't phased me at all." OUCH! I said, "What if you knew you were never going to see me again?" He said, "I guess that would phase me." Well, he knows it now, and he isn't phased. Or do you think maybe he's thinking in the back of his mind that he'll still see me or hear from me again? Smug b@$tard. I refuse! Will he ever regret it? Will he ever knew he let someone wonderful walk out of his life? Do you think that he'll ever contact me again? I long for the day for him to call and I don't answer it. THAT is when I'll know I'm over him. That is my greatest dream. For him to want me, and me not want him. I'm sorry for typing so much. I am just beyond hurt, and now that I know I will never be contacting him again for sure, it hurts even more. But hey, that means you guys won't have to listen to me rant. Hugs to you all, Raven
Author Raven1845 Posted February 8, 2006 Author Posted February 8, 2006 Raven - I was in the same situation! This is what I did and it worked Get dressed to KILL - Look the best you can look Go to the club and keep your back to him - Tell your friends not to tell you if he is dancing or talking to any girls and HAVE FUN! Chat to guys or just chat to your girlfriends! But the key is to HAVE FUN! Thank you, Lishy, and good for you! That's wonderful! I hope something like that would work for me, too.
Author Raven1845 Posted February 8, 2006 Author Posted February 8, 2006 I had texted, "I'm with a dork . . . I miss you." I would have never typed the part about the "dork." My male friend said, "Since he's immature, and a couple of his friends has seen you, tell him you're with a dork, that way he won't get jealous. It'll make him feel like you'd rather be with him." So please don't think I'd be mean to anyone like that. It didn't sound good when I re-read it. **And sorry about all the typos. I'm pretty upset and was just blindly typing.
Lishy Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 Oh Raven You are really not going to like what I say! You have to get over this one I am afraid. He is a prick and you will get so much better, if I knew him I would call him and tell him about himself! Honey you got a reprieve here you are so lucky and you do not know it. This guy is the biggest jerk in jerkville! Take his number out of your phone and cry all the tears you need to cry and then forget about him! He sounds like a vile immature pig to me! Reading your thread has made me hate him and I dont even know him! My 9 year old would have been more compassionate! You will get better trust me! He will be a disgusting memory one day - And remember honey, What doesnt kill you makes you stronger! I am here if you need to PM me anytime
cygny Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 raven, lishy is right, this guy is a pig. the guy he showed you at the beginning was an act, he doesn't really exist. you are humiliating yourself by continuing to talk to him. it will only get worse. he is trying to tell you, in the only manipulative and creepy way he knows how, to *let go* of him. just stop it and block him, take his numbers out of your phone, get rid of everything that reminds you of him so you can start to heal. stop trying to get something decent out of him, it will never happen. never. he is doing everything he can to tear you down and destroy your self-esteem. you are showing him you care waaayy too much about him. and he cares not a whit about you. so he uses this against you. don't give him any more ammunition. this was even *painful* for me to read about. have some pride, girl.
HotCaliGirl Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Do you think that he'll ever contact me again? I long for the day for him to call and I don't answer it. THAT is when I'll know I'm over him. That is my greatest dream. For him to want me, and me not want him Lishy and cygny are 100% right, just block him out. To answer your question, I don't think he'll call you again, condsidering even when you were on good terms after 10 days of not hearing from him, YOU were the one calling him. He either never missed you or was with other women or whatever his reasons were. If he does call it will be because he's either bored, curious or doesn't care about hurting you more or for his selfish and ego centered reasons. He probably is not used to a girl not putting up with his BS and not chasing after his ass all the while he treats them like trash. Remember you said all the other girls he's with are trashy? He treats trash like trash, he has you and you don't want to be treated like trash but that's what he does and you can't change him. Nontrashy types are not attreacted to him, but you were and you chased him and now you want him to be different... Don't be one of his toys - he plays with one, gets bored goes to the other, then goes back and forth all the while not having feelings, leading you on until he feels like you're hooked then dropping the charm/effort, all the while hurting you... It seems like you are hoping that he will change because you're better than the other girls, as you told him yourself! but this has nothing to do with your worth but how much of a noncompatible person he is with you, who doesn't value your feelings. I don't think that him calling you should be your "biggest dream", as you put it. In fact, get over him to the point that you won't even want him to call you or you won't care if he does. If he does call you it doesn't mean he likes you or as you write, that he will want you. He's called you in the past, he's even been intimate with you and I don't think he ever cared about you at all. Please, don't think if he calls you it means he cares about you or misses you. I hope you can feel better, but don't rely on him to make that happen. Forget all about him. He's not worthy of you.
lexilas Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 .....I may be the only one to think this, but I feel you should write him to redeem yourself. I wouldn't want him to always think that you are always there waiting for him. Actually, I wouldn't care what he thinks, but I care what you inevitably think of yourself. Say it is over. Tell him not to contact you....ever. Period. You....are...done! And mean it!! Sorry Climbergirl, But I disagree - why write to him telling him off if it all goes over his head? You might as well write to him in hebrew since he won't understand that either. Hey! That may be a good idea....write to him in another language. Seriously Raven1845 - I wouldn't waste my breath because ultimately I'd feel no redemption at all if, deep down, I knew he couldn't comprehend a word I'd written. Good luck!
lexilas Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Oh my goodness Raven! That WAS painful to read. Please leave him alone - don't fantasize about him wanting you because he's made it clear that he does not. However, with a jerk like that you will feel better in no time and wonder if you were absolutely crazy for even wanting him in the 1st place. Raven - you have to be true to yourself, no one else is going to. Stop letting yourself down and putting yourself through that type of pain for a complete $%^hole who is thriving off of your pain. I feel that shortly your own peace of mind will far outway/replace your need to have this self-centered, egotistical jerk in your life. Take care sweetie and stay strong!
Author Raven1845 Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 I am here if you need to PM me anytime You're awesome, Lishy, thank you. It's funny you mentioned your 9-year-old would have had more compassion (I bet you're right) . . . a few hours after I had typed that post, I re-read it and thought it sounded a lot like arguing with a child. (Though, I was crying, he was arguing). Or actually, just non-chalantly telling me I'm worthless and mean nothing to him. Well, tonight is the night I'm suppose to go to my Thursday night hangout with a girlfriend. He's suppose to be there. Maybe after our conversation yesterday, (the one where he tore out all the remaining pieces of my heart), he'll decide not to go. I went shopping today, trying to find something I would look hot in. I just started crying in the dressing room, because I know no matter what I wear or how great I look, it won't matter. If I wear white, he'll think I should have wore black. If I wear pants, he'll think I should have worn a skirt. I'm out spending money I shouldn't be when I have nice things at home to wear. What am I doing? Why am I doing this to myself? My insides are a wreck. Butterflies galore! I don't think it's just because of tonight. I think it's the whole break-up. I'll be calm one moment and just start crying uncontrollably the next. How can someone who treated me so badly be having this effect on me? Logically, I know I should forget about him. Logically, if I heard about some guy doing this to someone else, I'd tell her to "Forget him! He's not worth your time. He's a grade-A a**h***." I'm an intelligent woman. And no, in this case I don't think it's that I want something I can't have. I think it's that I can't believe he could treat me this way. I can't believe I've put up with it. I can't believe he could treat a classy lady like this when others he's been with have been either sleazy or ding-bats . . . or both. I keep thinking. One day, he's actually going to love someone, and it won't be me. What does she have that I don't? Rio, you mentioned in another thread that my anger will be what helps me through this. I'm starting to feel it. I wish it would stay. I feel angry and hate him, and then later . . . I'll cry. I hope that anger comes back to stay one of these times. Maybe it's just too early and I'm going back and forth through all the emotions. A lot of the self-help books I've been reading talk about how there are rules, and you have to be a b**ch, and hold out and all this and that. These books are only making me angry. Yeah, I'm the nice girl, but I do have that edge of fiestiness. I guess it wasn't enough for him. I keep thinking, I should have waited longer to have sex, I shouldn't have showed I cared so much, yadda, yadda, yadda. The Books make me angry because they basically tell me that once I've been the nice girl with someone, I've blown it. Well, that just sucks. Not that I want him back, but I sure as heck don't want to be remembered as the pushover. Why do I care what he thinks? I wish I didn't. I'm having serious doubts about going tonight. I've got about an hour to decide. If I don't go, he'll think he got to me. If I do go, he'll try to get to me. Thank you all for your caring support. I feel like I'm going to lose it. Just so much pain and havoc inside. Wish it would calm itself. I hope that I can look this post up in a year and say to myself, "What were you thinking?" Hugs to all, Raven
Lishy Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Honey you need to decide if you could cope with him treating you badly tonight! He is so immature and your post was horrible to read - I felt the pain for you! I personally do not think it would be a good idea to go tonight! I think you need to heal and going tonight will make you feel awful! I coiuld be wrong but the odds are stacked against you! Please let us know the outcome of what you do tonight as I am very interested This man does not deserve you! He has done you a favour and he doesnt even know it (nor do you YET!) Wish you luck sweetie x
Author Raven1845 Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 I just typed my previous post and after hitting "submit" my friend called and cancelled for tonight. She has a one year old that's not feeling good. I'm a little disappointed and a little relieved. Heck, I don't know how to feel. I had said earlier, "Well, if something comes up and I don't go, that means something bad may have happened, and I wasn't meant to be there." Oh gosh, here come the tears again. Why would I have even wanted to see him? Why am I disappointed? Why am I such a butthead about this? Nietzsche said, "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." I sure don't feel "reasonable," but I do feel like I'm going "mad." (crazy). Off to cry in my pillow . . . Hugs, Raven
Lishy Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Oh Raven!!!!!!!!!! I know how you feel and it feels like you will feel like this forever ! Read over my old posts that I started that will take your mind off of him and you can read about the guy who drove me wild! I am glad you are not going tonight - I think it would have been a mistake!
cygny Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 And no, in this case I don't think it's that I want something I can't have. I think it's that I can't believe he could treat me this way. I can't believe I've put up with it. I can't believe he could treat a classy lady like this when others he's been with have been either sleazy or ding-bats . . . or both. A lot of the self-help books I've been reading talk about how there are rules, and you have to be a b**ch, and hold out and all this and that. These books are only making me angry. Yeah, I'm the nice girl, but I do have that edge of fiestiness. I guess it wasn't enough for him. I keep thinking, I should have waited longer to have sex, I shouldn't have showed I cared so much, yadda, yadda, yadda. raven, best to take the light hearted "oh well, couldn't care less" attitude if you see him. don't show anger, don't show that you care one iota. keep that stance. check out the thread i started on men taming women--there might be some clues in there why some guys are jerks--it's because you are so classy, they want to take you down, it gives them a big thrill to their ego.
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