It won't stop hurting . . .

[whats wrong with me]

 

 

I think all you people are missing the point entirely. You cannot heal without a real understanding of what has happened and of your involvement in the situation..

 

No we dont know exactly what happened in this case but I know that I have FELT exactly that way.

 

I know you guys are just trying to help, but just saying nice things is not the way..

 

Agreed, yet in a situation where you just wonder "whats wrong with me" it's good to know it's not just you and it's not you (most the time)

 

 

 

 

<quote>Just for the record, girls like you are NOT a dime a dozen. If that were the case, I'd be long married by now. But my hunt is still on. I'm slowly beginning to realize that my ex didn't deserve me after all. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm way too good for her..</quote>

 

<quote>What a load of tripe! This advice is damaging, it will hold you back! Can you not see? DEAL with your problems. Don't trick yourself into believing this stuff. Your ex realised that YOU were too good for HER and decided to leave?!? The more you think the more you realise you are way too good for her? What the hell is going on man? How mixed up can you be? Get a grip and take some responsibility.<quote>

 

When someone leaves or dumps you, it screws up your level of self-esteem. There is nothing wrong with picking yourself up off the floor and realising sp? that you are worth more.

 

 

 

<quote>And know this...we are much better people than our exes could ever be...even if they tried. But at least we know that we never have to try...it just comes naturally to us.</quote>

 

<quote>ROFL! Friend, I don't even know how to begin to deal with this one. Look, I realise that I am being an ass, that you are just trying to be positive, blah blah blah. But, come on! This forum, as stated on the front page, ".... confront personal conflicts, promote participation in self-discovery and responsibility...". YOUR posts seem to centre around denial, misguiding yourself and other people, a 'there-there' it will all be OK approach when it really is NOT ok and will not be for a long time. Stop copping out.<quote>

 

we all have our good and bad days. Some days it does come naturally.

 

 

What's wrong with me <quote>I've read through your different threads and it seems like you got "bad boy" syndrome. The more of a jerk they can be the more we want them. It's A-holes like him that keep Prozac on the market!!</quote>

 

<quote>What is wrong with you? It's people like you that contribute half, if not more than, to so called "bad boy syndrome". The more of a jerk they can be the more you want to control them, the more power you give them. Wanting someone is not synonymous with needing to understand, and needing them to want you. Blah blah blah. You are enabling.<quote>

 

Agreed, thats why I quit taking prozac.

 

 

 

Raven1845: <<quote>I love him. He sarcastically asked if I did. I said, "no," out of pride, of course. He loud and clearly said, "RELIEF!" What kind of a person could do that to someone?</quote>

 

He said "RELIEF!", out of what, pride? To call your bluff? What did you want him to say? How can you love someone and be scared to say it? Fear, pride, insecurity, these are the evil emotions you are running on at the moment. What kind of person claims to love someone, and then goes about trying to trap them in their own problems? How can you hold it against him? Sure it is nasty, sure it would have hurt like hell, but what did you really expect? If you really think he is an evil person, why can't you get over it? It does not help. The problem is within you.

 

 

You think she doesn't know this? He is an *ss, and it is hard to "get over it" when you cared about the person.

 

In summary

Co-dependency is a bitch, and it scares people away. Your ex may still care about you a great deal, but thinks the only way you will learn or grow as a person is to be harsh and upfront. Your ex may have his own defense mechanisms in place to ensure that he gets over this in the quickest and least damaging way for himself. Everything can be looked at in a different way. You can always feel sorry for your ex in a way.

 

Anyway, I trust that I have offended as many people as possible. I really could go on, and I definitely need to go back and edit some things because I found it hard to put my point across, but this has gotten out of hand.

 

I look forward to your replies.

 

From the experiences that I've had personally, it seems her ex is the one who needs to grow up, being upfront is NOT being harsh.

 

Her exes defense mechanisms? Are you kidding? He's an *ss, if he didn't want her to keep coming around he would have done something different. Most likely he's hoping she cares for him enough to sleep with him when he can't find any strange.

[Raven1845]

 

From the experiences that I've had personally, it seems her ex is the one who needs to grow up, being upfront is NOT being harsh.

 

Her exes defense mechanisms? Are you kidding? He's an *ss, if he didn't want her to keep coming around he would have done something different. Most likely he's hoping she cares for him enough to sleep with him when he can't find any strange.

Whats wrong with me: Hi. I just wanted to say thank you for what you typed in my defense.

 

You're right, my ex is an a$$.

 

I'm telling myself now, I didn't do anything to deserve the way he treated me. I keep wondering what's wrong with me, but I'm slowly (very slowly) beginning to realise that some people are just buttholes, and no matter what, that's just how they are. There's nothing wrong with me, and that is what I'm going to keep telling myself, because it really is true. Even if I were completely perfect, and was everything he thought was perfect for him, it wouldn't have mattered. (he told people I was everything he ever wanted, and look where I am, so I know it wouldn't have mattered). He's just a butthole.

 

I'm older than he is, so perhaps one day he'll be able to look back and think, "Man, she was awesome. I was a jerk." But then again, maybe he won't. He's very closed-minded and prideful. Not the good kind of pride . . . the pride that holds one back. Who knows? All I know is that I just don't want to care. I want to say, "Hey, he treated you like this, he's not worth your time." And hopefully, that will one day happen.

 

Hugs to all,

Raven

[fooled]

And baby - he treats EVERYBODY like that. He will do the same every girl he has a "relationship" with.

 

I resent that I wasn't special to her, even though every day she told me I was wonderful. She even asked me why I was so wonderful to her (I know know that's a red flag).

 

It hurts that we weren't special to them. But truthyfully - they don't WANT someone special. They can't handle it. It's too much responsibility and they don't want to grow up and be responsible. I bet he's lazy too. Mine was.

[Raven1845]

I was just sitting on the couch watching a movie. There was a motorcycle in it, and it made me think of my ex. He has a Yamaha "crotch rocket" and wears the whole leather outfit to match the bike, which I find INCREDIBLY sexy. I started missing him.

 

When I miss him, I think of how sweet the guy I met was. The things he said to me in the beginning. The things that made me love him.

 

What I should be remembering is the real him. How he treated me. Even just thinking of how wonderful he was at first, what I need to remember is that he also told me on the phone Wednesday that he said those things to get in my pants and make me like him more and more.

 

Why do I remember the good and not the bad? I remember the faux him and not the real him.

 

Just by reading my own posts, I know only a fool would want this guy. Why can't I just snap out of it? One person said that it is "codependence," this, however, is not the case. I am dependent on myself ONLY. I know that the only person in this world that can make me happy is me, and I don't need a relationship to complete me. I can't help missing the guy I thought he was, though.

 

Fooled, I, too, resent that I wasn't special to him (even though he told me I was). I resent being lied to. I have never had a "casual" relationship, but I was/am so physically attracted to him that in the beginning I told him if that's what he wanted, I could try it, but he insisted he wanted a real relationship. If he just would have been honest with me . . .

 

The feeling of "who is he with tonight" came over me, and it hurt like heck and gave me a chest and stomach full of butterflies. Before going to bed and crying into my pillow, I thought I'd come in here. I'm glad I did. I needed to be reminded that he treats all women badly. He's even admitted that himself. I forget about that and instead invision him being romantic and all the things I'm sure he isn't doing.

 

I want to slap myself silly. I'm actually wondering whether or not I should have stayed in it on his terms. At least I'd be able to see him once in awhile. (that sounds so stupid, what the heck's wrong with me). How can I know I'm being stupid yet continue to do it? I'm studying to be an archaeologist . . . I know there must be some kind of brains in my head.

 

If I would have taken things on his terms, though, I may have ended up with an STD or something. I wouldn't want that! Besides, I just cannot share someone. Why couldn't I be the one? People that know him say that I shouldn't envy his future bride, that she will end up living a miserable life, because it's doubtful he'll change. I do envy her. I'm such a moron! That Joan Jett song, "I hate myself for loving you." I really do.

 

It's bothering me that one day he will fall in love and it won't be me. I just keep asking, "Why not me?"

 

I need to stop remembering the good and start remembering how he really treated me.

 

Just needed to vent a little bit, hoping it would make the butterflies go away for a little bit.

 

Hugs,

Raven

[fooled]

Raven, we have the same thoughts at approximately the same times.

 

If it's her loss, why am I the one that's hurting so badly?

[Raven1845]

Raven, we have the same thoughts at approximately the same times.

 

If it's her loss, why am I the one that's hurting so badly?

 

Yes we do! I was just thinking the same thing.

 

If your ex is as self-centered as mine is, that may be the reason it's hurting us more. In my case, my ex is narcissistic (I had to tell him what that means, and when I did, he proudly said, "YES! I am! Why wouldn't I be? I like that!" . . . )

 

I was a giver . . . he was a taker. That's why it hurts. It sucks.

[Confused5433]

Hi Raven,

If it makes you feel any better, I just went through almost the same breakup about a week ago.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81668/

 

I know what you mean about how shallow it is to fall for someone just based on apperances, but unfortunately that's a very strong part of the attraction and if he has the personality, then forget it . My ex, was gorgeous, middle eastern, great smile, amazing personality, everyone loved him and worshiped him. He was so charming, specially with the girls, so popular and care-free. He cherised love, friends and family more than clothes, cars and money. He didn't smoke or drink. He was just like a Don Juan, confident, sensitive and passionate. He had all the qualities that I love in a man, unfortunately he was also very closeminded, VERY SELFISH, inconsiderate, immature, not very intelligent or cultured, not well-mannered and not jealous (which made me wonder if he even cared about me) He always talked about girls, this one and that one, and when we would go out he always ignored me to check out some other girl and always made a comment in front of me. When he got mad, he would just cut me off and say hurtful things like "you're nothing" , "You don't deserve my love", etc. And of course I would try my best to ask for forgiveness and fix the situation. Everything was always my fault, he never did anything wrong. I had to change first before he could change. It was a vicious cycle and I feel for it....my dignity was nonexistent as long as he was with me and made me feel that magic, that addictive feeling of lust and passion.

I feel you, and I swear I almost cried with your post.

He also talked about our life together, I meet his family, he was going to marry me and have kids with me. He swore he would be a devoted husband and only care about me and no one else.....I believed every word, and it was magic, the best life that I could ever think about. But slowly I realized that it was not true. He would lie about so many things, and cheated on me at least twice, maybe more. He would talk wonders during our intimate moments, but completely ignore them when we stepped into the world. And if I crossed him, he was so cruel and insensitive to my feelings.

 

I know how much you're hurting, believe me. I feel tired everyday and nothing means more than remembering our love and all the good times. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever meet someone as great as him, minus the negatives. But deep down, I know he would never make me truly happy....is like a disease loving him, the more you do, the more it hurts.

But you seem like a great person, and don't feel humiliated about reaching out to him.....you did what you had to in order to realize that he is not worth it and not the one for you.

 

 

This guy is a REAL Jerk, undeserving of your love, and don't worry I strongly believe in KARMA....what goes around, will come around.

Please don't ever talk to him again, no calls, txt messages, email, IM...NOTHING....It's hard I know, but is the best way to forget him for good and heal. That's my plan right now....to pack all the memories in a box, and with time toss them in the trash.

 

All I can offer you at the moment is to be your healing buddy. Is like we are in a marathon together, to forget and heal our broken hearts.

I found it helpful to read other post like yours, and realize that many wonderful people go through the same experience and Im not feeling all alone with this pain.

 

Keep getting up everyday and thanking God for the good people in your life.

And vent, vent, vent.....I definitely has helped me. Fix yourself up, go out anywhere and smile, talk to people, feel good about yourself and feed on the positive energy many of your friends and loved ones can give you during this time. Don't let yourself go, instead use the pain to make yourself better physically, intellectually, professionaly, spiritually, etc. So that one day if he crosses your path, you'll be better than ever and he would realize what an idiot he was to loose the best woman he could ever have in his life. This helps me a lot, I hope it does the same to you....and if you would like to give me any advice or share more....please do so.

 

We'll get over this........I believe it more and more now.

 

God Bless

[Raven1845]

Hi Raven,

If it makes you feel any better, I just went through almost the same breakup about a week ago.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81668/

 

Hello Confused,

 

I was very glad to receive your post. I have just read your story. He text messaged you that he didn't love you anymore? Sounds like he and my ex would get along beautifully.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. Our stories are VERY similar, and I understand how horrible you're feeling. If you would like to talk back and forth on email, you can find my email address under my profile.

 

Just knowing that there are others that understand is comforting. Perhaps we can help each other get through this together.

 

Hugs,

Raven

[Shattered Heart]

Okay. Normally I wouldn't dignify myself with a response to contradikt's post. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I can't lose face by replying, since I don't know contradikt from a hole in the wall. And you don't really lose dignity by defending yourself to a complete unknown. Now, if my ex had written all that, you better believe I wouldn't be replying at all. In fact, the last time my ex and I had contact, it was an e-mail from her that basically had the same cruel and insulting tone as contradikt's post. That was almost three weeks ago, and I know it's got to be bothering her that I haven't replied to her e-mail. But, I know I'd only be humiliating myself if I did so. I figure that even though she had the last word, I ultimately appear as the stronger one. I tell you, it's so difficult letting bygones be bygones, since there is SO much I want to say to her (read my other threads), but I'm strong enough to let it go...for now. But, as for contradikt, I do feel I must at least defend my position and set the record straight. At the same time, I realize this is Raven's thread, and I respect her enough not to turn her thread into a heated battle (which is probably what contradikt wants anyway, but I'm not going to give in to him). That said, here's the way I see it. And I'll be as straight forward as I can. We are all on this site for the same reason. Sure, everyone's experiences and situations might be different, but the underlying fundamental reason for being on here remains the same for everyone...THE LOSS OF A RELATIONSHIP...or as this forum more directly indicates, BREAKING UP. That alone should tell you that everyone in this forum has experienced or is experiencing some sort of heartbreak. And with heartbreak comes a wide range of emotions. And sometimes it is precisely these emotions that rear its ugly head when posting a reply to someone's thread. I agree that there are a lot of posts in this forum where people's advice, feedback, insight, suggestions, recommendations, opinions, etc. are directly influenced by their own emotions and feelings. However, you must realize that this is solely a support group intended to helping one another to cope with our own losses. We merely offer our own individual experiences, problems, or situations in hopes that others will be kind enough to share some of their views with us and hopefully put a temporary smile on our faces. And, in turn, we try to do the same thing for others. That's why this is a SUPPORT group, NOT a group THERAPY. Please don't confuse a "support group" with "group therapy". A support group implies direct dealings with a group of non-professionals, whereas group therapy implies a group of people who are in a direct dealing with a trained professional of the human mind. I never claimed to be a trained professional, nor will I ever be. And I doubt you are a trained professional either, because if you were, you'd be charging us all for your advice. Listen, as a SUPPORT group, we are all entitled to our own views and opinions. I'm not saying that I'm right or you're right. I'm also not saying that I'm wrong or you're wrong. That's what makes these forums so interesting. It is the expression of views and opinions from a wide spectrum of individuals, each offering their own unique perspectives at different experience levels. And you know it as well as I do, that no matter what "information" is dispensed in this forum by others, it will all eventually be disregarded by everyone, since every single one of us will one day arrive at our OWN unique "inner" answer to help us get over and be completely healed from our pain. In the meantime, I find it therapeutic to offer my own views and experiences. And if by doing so, it cheers someone up and puts a smile on their face, then at least I know I made someone feel temporary relief from their pain. And when that happens, I feel a little better about myself as well. I don't see anything wrong with that. Bottom line is that we SHOULD NOT remain in a constant negative funk, and we MUST NOT let our exes ruin our happiness. If getting back some of our happiness can start here in this forum, it will slowly start to change our outlook on life, and allow us to pick up the pieces and move on. I don't know about you, but it is responses like this that make it all worthwhile:

 

Shattered Heart,

 

I meant to send you a BIG (((HUG!)))

 

 

 

Thanks Raven. You're so sweet. I'm glad I could put a smile on YOUR face.

[Raven1845]

Well said, Shattered Heart!

 

And thank you for the smile. I needed it.

 

Hugs,

Raven

[fooled]

My cat's breath smells like cat food

 

Ralph Wiggum