BilgeD Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 Without rehashing the whole tale of how I wound up here, let me give the Reader's Digest version: I had a very casual relationship with a woman for over the last 3 years. It remained this way until this past summer, when I realized that slowly I had started growing feelings for her. Turns out, during this time, she fell in love with me as well, but neither of us had expressed these feelings to each other (why is whole other long story). Not thinking I loved her, she moved on and began dating someone else. Our communications quickly trailed off. Figuring I had nothing to lose, I sent her an email telling her I loved her and how much she meant to me. She never responded. Then at the turn of the year, she contacted me with a quick email, and asked if I'd like to have a dinner with her. We met for dinner, had a great time and then called it night. However, the white elephant of my email was never mentioned. After parting, I called her during my cab ride home (and with 3 drinks in me - yes, the ol' drink and dial), I called her to ask her about the mail I sent her, and if she had received it. She said that she had and wasn't sure how to respond to me, as she had become involved with someone else. I reiterated how much I loved her, and then she revealed that she had fallen for me a while ago too, but moved into another relationship when she thought I was unavailable (though she mentioned her current relationship wasnt anything to write home about). We finally ended the call, ultimately saying we shouldn't speak to each other for a while. Naturally, I was devastated. I tried calling her a couple of days later to apologize. I left a voicemail apologizing and saying that I wanted to retract not contacting each other - saying that having her in my life was more important than anything else. I could forego my own feelings of romance, just to remain friends. She never called me back, but did wrote me an email confirming that she had received my voicemail - no accepting an apology, or anything else. Again, I felt terrible. Which brings me to the latest installment: After having about 3 weeks of NC, I sent her a short mail the other day basically saying "hey, hows it going?" She responded pleasantly enough (with some details about our lives, her studies, etc.) We exchanged a few mails back and forth, and surprising me, she then invited me out to dinner. So now I'm confused. I'm not sure what to make of this. I've now professed my love to her twice (the last time with quite a bit of alcohol) and she revealed she had the same feelings too (albeit a bit earlier than I had realized). I'm nervous about our meeting up, but can't help but feel excited and cautious all at the same time....
Art_Critic Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 This should be easy to break down.. If she is seeing someone else.. no matter what she tells you about how bad the relationship is let her go. Why would you want to be someones second choice and be kept on the back burner while she is banging someone else ? so i think I would find out whether or not the BF is in the picture .. if he isn't then do dinner.. if she is still with him.. Never and I repeat never contact her again... NC
Author BilgeD Posted February 7, 2006 Author Posted February 7, 2006 Good point, AC. I guess just being upfront with the question about her BF is best, but I would be going against my offer of continuing to be friends. Still, apparently I'm still looking for a romantic relationship (and feeling excited by the turn of events), so I guess getting this information will be key. thanks for the thoughts Bill
Art_Critic Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 thanks for the thoughts Anytime.. I think your right, an upfront question first but remember that the offer to be friends and the acceptance of that really truly doesn't mean anything if one party has feelings for the other and won't do anything about it.. or one person had feelings and the other doesn't
CaliGuy Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 Agree with AC. Don't settle on being her second choice. Do go to the dinner and see where she stands. Don't beg for her back, let her vent and say all she needs to say and then stew over it before replying. Your situation is a bit different than most but again, she's with someone else now and you need to respect yourself enough to say "I'm not going to settle for being #2."
Author BilgeD Posted February 7, 2006 Author Posted February 7, 2006 Thanks AC and CaliGuy, Yeah - its really weird. I don't know for sure yet if she's still seeing this guy. I'm confused by why someone who knows obviously how I feel about them, would want to extend such an invite. If the shoe were on the other foot, I'd be very hesitant about wanting to interact with a person who said they loved me and the feelings weren't mutual. Who knows? Maybe its just easier for women to navigate in the gray areas of relationships. BilgeD
curly Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 As a girl/woman, I can tell you that we work in the same mysterious, confusing ways that men do. What you are not realizing is that when someone acts contradictory to their words, it means they are confused and unsure of how to proceed. She may or may not still be seeing this other guy. If so, walk away. End of story. Walk! If not seeing anyone else (and you may want to confirm that before proceeding) then hear her out. If she wants to come back to you, make her work for it. If you want to be with someone and they are somewhat willing to listen, then nothing will stop you from trying to win them back. She will make a stand to win you back. Don't make it easy for her. Earn her respect for you back. Don't roll over and be right there for her in an instant. Trust me, I've done this so many times. He always leaves again. I'm sure thinking that when he's lonely and missing me again, I'll take him back. And on the flip side, I've done this to someone else. When I was feeling lonely, I always knew this other guy was waiting in the wings for my attention. It's a crap existence. Another thing jumped out at me. You feel guilty if you tell her No Contact after saying that you would be friends with her no matter what. 1st - that's so weak and she has realized that. She knows that you are willing to accept less than 100%. 2nd- that won't work for you. You'll just prolong your pain. However, don't feel bad about changing your mind now. If you can't be friends with her, even if you said you could, then just say that. I can't be friends with you, not right now, maybe never. Again, you're being clear about your feelings while remaining the strong one. Just don't contact her at all then. Remain strong. If she wants you back, she'll come begging. And I do mean begging. Don't accept anything less than her crawling on hands and knees begging for forgiveness. Good luck at your dinner. Let us know how it turns out. Be strong and don't cave.
Author BilgeD Posted February 8, 2006 Author Posted February 8, 2006 Thanks for your response, curly. You're right - I don't want us to come back together because of convenience. I havent been able to get her on the phone today yet - in which I was going to ask her about the bf. I'm starting to feel a bit reluctant because she made some reference today to going out of town this weekend (I'm not sure, but I believe her relationship with her bf is a LDR). I guess all of this is hard for me to accept because how we evolved from a true and trusting friendship over these years and then it blossomed into romance. And it seemed to have fallen apart solely because two people didnt come forward with how they felt for one another. Anyway, I hope I can remain strong here. BilgeD
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