NC and HARSH WORDS

February 7, 2006

I don't get "passive/aggressive personality." That phrase seems overused, and seems a convenient label to use whenever someone is expressing hurt feelings and you don't want to deal with it.

I might be using it out of context, but let me expplain.

At first she tried the 'sweet and gentile' tactic to get what she wanted.

When she failed, she resorted to getting angry and nasty at him.

She's flip-flopping her behavior to try and manipulate him. It's not working and thus she throws a hissy fit.

it sounds to me more like she's panicked than "confused."

MMm, sounds more to me like she's pissed because she's being held accountable for her actions.

February 7, 2006

PISSED? more like fuming at the mouth. But its only nocible if I take notice and react to it not so?

February 7, 2006

PISSED? more like fuming at the mouth. But its only nocible if I take notice and react to it not so?

Right. So don't react. Don't reply. Say nothing, do nothing.

February 7, 2006

Well silence is golden and when it comes to her IM getting rich.

February 7, 2006

Well silence is golden and when it comes to her IM getting rich.

RR, your complete silence will say more to her than any words you could ever say.

February 8, 2006

Thanks mate the support is much appreciated and all that was said is well noted.

I will keep you posted on what is going on and how Im doing.

Thanks a mil for everything

February 8, 2006

You're welcome, my friend. Keep your chin up. You deserve better.

And your story is helping others I am sure of that.

February 8, 2006

At first she tried the 'sweet and gentile' tactic to get what she wanted.
When she failed, she resorted to getting angry and nasty at him.

She's flip-flopping her behavior to try and manipulate him. It's not working and thus she throws a hissy fit.

Do you really think that this is conscious manipulation on her part? I don't believe that she is purposely being evil. Being messed up in the head can make people exhibit very odd behaviour, which I think everyone here can sympathize with.

Actually, I'm more inclined to agree with beangirl46's view. Obviously it all depends on the OP's care factor and on the ladies level of distress, but is she likely to hurt herself? Is it ever the wrong thing to do to give of yourself in order to help someone who is behaving in a disturbing way?

Two wrongs don't make a right. True strength would be to be honest and upfront. By your logic, CaliGuy, it would seem that Ruff Ryder's behaviour is manipulative also.

In hindsight, it is my first post here and I respect your opinion. I think it is an interesting topic.

February 8, 2006

Do you really think that this is conscious manipulation on her part? I don't believe that she is purposely being evil. Being messed up in the head can make people exhibit very odd behaviour, which I think everyone here can sympathize with.

Was she concious when she decided to cheat on him?

Now she realizes she made a mistake and tried to be 'nice' to him. When that didn't work she blew her top.

How much more manipulative can you be?

Actually, I'm more inclined to agree with beangirl46's view. Obviously it all depends on the OP's care factor and on the ladies level of distress, but is she likely to hurt herself? Is it ever the wrong thing to do to give of yourself in order to help someone who is behaving in a disturbing way?

She's disturbed, to that we can all agree.

Two wrongs don't make a right. True strength would be to be honest and upfront. By your logic, CaliGuy, it would seem that Ruff Ryder's behaviour is manipulative also.

No, because he isn't using NC to win her back. He's using it to get on with his life. She screwed up and if he has an ounce of self respect he won't take her back. This is a win/win. He gets on with his life and gets to meet someone more wwrthy of his love and affection and she learns a hard lesson in love, one she hopefully never repeats.

It's only two wrongs if they're using it manipulate the relationship. As long as he sticks to NC for good he's using it for what it was intended for, healing and moving on.

He's confused too, because he loves her. He knows the right thing to do is to forget her. But when your heart and mind are at battle, you don't always make the most rational decisions.

But, he's here seeking help and advice. Where is she? Can you tell who the more rational person is?

In hindsight, it is my first post here and I respect your opinion. I think it is an interesting topic.

Oh believe me, I'm not angry and it's good to have a difference of opinions. But if you know why we implement NC then you understand he's not trying to manipulate her back into his life. He's trying to move on in the most healthy and fastest way possible.

February 8, 2006

Do you really think that this is conscious manipulation on her part? I don't believe that she is purposely being evil. Being messed up in the head can make people exhibit very odd behaviour, which I think everyone here can sympathize with.
Actually, I'm more inclined to agree with beangirl46's view. Obviously it all depends on the OP's care factor and on the ladies level of distress, but is she likely to hurt herself? Is it ever the wrong thing to do to give of yourself in order to help someone who is behaving in a disturbing way?
Two wrongs don't make a right. True strength would be to be honest and upfront. By your logic, CaliGuy, it would seem that Ruff Ryder's behaviour is manipulative also.
In hindsight, it is my first post here and I respect your opinion. I think it is an interesting topic.

I truly don't mean to be contentious, however I don't see how RR's actions can be interpreted as manipulative. Does he have lingering feelings?? Probably so. Does he still care. Probably so. But isn't that what makes break-ups so hard to begin with?? And I don't believe she is evil.

My point is..........he's doing what is best for him at the moment. Maybe at some point he will want to reconcile, but for now I can understand his feeling leery to throw himself into the fire again (so to speak).

I'm speaking from experience........and recent. I still love him (ex-bf), but will not subject myself to another dramatic episode. It was killing me inside.

I think all of us want to validate the relationship (past or present) in any way, and do not want our emotions to be in vain. But this doesn't necessarily mean we should be together with said person.

I don't think RR's ex's actions are in HIS best interest............her actions are to make herself feel better.

We all need time to heal. And I think she should respect that. Besides, she won't absolutely realize what she has lost until she has had time to think (and think HARD in an introspective way). And the best way to amplify that is time alone.

(sorry RR to speak of you in third person)

And, again condradikt, I as well respect your opinion, however this is fairly 'fresh from the present' subject with me.

February 8, 2006

Doesnt matter what the topic is people will alway have their own point of views and oppions. That is what it is to be human.

I just feel that this is the way forward and instead of taking 2 steps forward and one back why not just go forward?

I really appreciate the input from everone one involved and DONT worry some times I refer to myself in the 3rd party too.

I will keep you posted on my failures and success in this matter and lets just be strong and true to what we hold dear in and believe in.

Thanks again guys BIG HELP all of you

February 8, 2006

Today was a bit better or so I thought. It started of really well and nothing could fase me untill you see something that reminds you of what you once had and bang it all comes down.

I did well didnt contact her and she only tried to call me once and that was about an hour or 2 ago and I didnt answer I really wanted to but I fought the addiction and won this round.

Its getting harder to do but it 100% necariary and Im sure it will get better just have to give it time and not focuse to much on it.

Anyone feel the same?

February 8, 2006

RR you'll be fine.

Sometimes you have to wade through a ton of manure to get to the flowery spot on the other side of the pasture

February 8, 2006

RR, since you have moved on, as you've indicated earlier, you are doing her a favour by not responding. It sounds like even if she were sincere about seeing you, you're not open to that option. So there's no point in leading her on with a reply. The day she walked out on you was the day she lost the right to know if you are ok or not, to see you and to have contact with you. To be honest, it really doesn't matter now if she's being manipulative, controlling or passive aggressive. The point is you are doing what's best for the situation as a whole.

February 8, 2006

Cali you seem to have loads of experience in the NC department. How did it all turn out for you? I mean its not easy and fun what keept you motivated to do it?

February 8, 2006

Cali you seem to have loads of experience in the NC department. How did it all turn out for you? I mean its not easy and fun what keept you motivated to do it?

Well, my the realization that I have enough self-respect to say 'this is complete bs! I am not going to let her have control of my feelings.'

That was enough for me. I mean, damn, how much can one take of another kicking sand in their face? I had enough of her.

So, I really dived into my hobbies, worked harder in the gym, started hanging out with friends more and basically worked on myself mentally.

This will sound weird to some, but I basically stared at myself in a mirror. I started to see a good looking guy in great shape who is fun to be around, has a positive attitude and who had no reason to think of himself in a negative light.

I realized that some things are just not meant to be. That I know there's someone out there much better for me than her. That I am worthy of being loved the way that I love. That my gut insticts were right all along and I just didn't listen to them. I decided to LET GO as I realized it's the only true way to get on with my life.

I also forgave her. I understand that she saw me as clingy because she didn't feel the same way about me. The longer I tried to hang on the worse i made it.

I figure if she comes back to me on her own accord that I will be in control and decide if that is what I want, if at all. That if she does want to come back her feelings will have truly changed and that's the ideal situation to be in. All the begging, pleading, calls, emails, IM's only served to drive her away and confirm her decision that I was not the one. I learned that having self-respect and dignity go hand in hand with confidence.

And most of all this experience has taught me how to do self-reflection and see where I can make improvements. I certainly am not perfect. But, I can see where my faults are and have made significant strides to improve.

Not sure if this answers your question but sticking to NC is the only way. The way she treated me was uncalled for (even if I was behaving like a needy person) and in that sense I damn sure am not going to feed her ego by giving her any of my time.

She has to earn it if she wants it. I'm not giving it to her, that's for sure.

February 8, 2006

im in that same place that you were in. I also have started new things hitting gym hard have the same oppion of myself no to bad looking and full of fun and life.

I have accepted that I may have oused her away and that I'm sure some were along the line i did bad things that had negitive implications. but Im now also working on myself keeping possitive and focused. I'm very big into the mind and what thoughts do and how they impact ones life.

So yea I know exactly what your saying and mean. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders I do hope if you havent already that you will find someone whom is best suited to you.

Thanks for the back up and support it does really throw light on the situation.

Big up to you and yours.

February 10, 2006

Well, my the realization that I have enough self-respect to say 'this is complete bs! I am not going to let her have control of my feelings.'

That was enough for me. I mean, damn, how much can one take of another kicking sand in their face? I had enough of her.

So, I really dived into my hobbies, worked harder in the gym, started hanging out with friends more and basically worked on myself mentally.

This will sound weird to some, but I basically stared at myself in a mirror. I started to see a good looking guy in great shape who is fun to be around, has a positive attitude and who had no reason to think of himself in a negative light.

I realized that some things are just not meant to be. That I know there's someone out there much better for me than her. That I am worthy of being loved the way that I love. That my gut insticts were right all along and I just didn't listen to them. I decided to LET GO as I realized it's the only true way to get on with my life.

I also forgave her. I understand that she saw me as clingy because she didn't feel the same way about me. The longer I tried to hang on the worse i made it.

I figure if she comes back to me on her own accord that I will be in control and decide if that is what I want, if at all. That if she does want to come back her feelings will have truly changed and that's the ideal situation to be in. All the begging, pleading, calls, emails, IM's only served to drive her away and confirm her decision that I was not the one. I learned that having self-respect and dignity go hand in hand with confidence.

And most of all this experience has taught me how to do self-reflection and see where I can make improvements. I certainly am not perfect. But, I can see where my faults are and have made significant strides to improve.

Not sure if this answers your question but sticking to NC is the only way. The way she treated me was uncalled for (even if I was behaving like a needy person) and in that sense I damn sure am not going to feed her ego by giving her any of my time.

She has to earn it if she wants it. I'm not giving it to her, that's for sure.

Reading this sparked a thought. You know all the posts about how we should never send our exes another communication after NC has started? I was wondering.... when we all end up feeling healed and resolved in a manner similar to what you just wrote -- what if we, after a significant amount of time, write a note to our ex's THANKING them for the relationship and what we got out of it -- both from them and from the self-reflection and growth that came from within ourselves.

I couldn't do that myself right now -- it would really just be a thinly veiled attempt at re-opening the door, but maybe in a year or two -- wouldn't that feel good as a final chapter in a sometimes painful story?

For now.... still NC.....

February 10, 2006

Reading this sparked a thought. You know all the posts about how we should never send our exes another communication after NC has started? I was wondering.... when we all end up feeling healed and resolved in a manner similar to what you just wrote -- what if we, after a significant amount of time, write a note to our ex's THANKING them for the relationship and what we got out of it -- both from them and from the self-reflection and growth that came from within ourselves.

I thought about that once, for about 2 seconds. Why would I want to thank my ex for treating my sh*t?! I mean, yes I learned but these are things I should have known already. Believe me she wasn't trying to do me a favor or teach me a lesson. She was just being selfish and cruel.

So no, I would never send an email thanking my ex. That'd still be viewed negatively and as an attempt to cling on. Just be grateful you learned from the relationship, dust yourself off and forget her.

I couldn't do that myself right now -- it would really just be a thinly veiled attempt at re-opening the door, but maybe in a year or two -- wouldn't that feel good as a final chapter in a sometimes painful story?

For now.... still NC.....

In a year or two you should be happily involved with someone else and any thoughts of the ex that brought you here will make you glad you're not with her. You will have no desire to thank the ex. At least I don't. I respect myself enough that I'd never go there. Not in a million years.

February 10, 2006

I figured that's what you'd say!

My ex didn't treat me like s'hit so much except at the very end she just stopped talking to me (rather than break up directly). So I guess its a bit different for me.

I was thinking more about this as a way to show off my new found self by telling her how the painful experience made me a better man, so much better, that I no longer give a crap about how s'hitty the experience was because I'm much better off because of it! It would be totally cool if, in the same letter, I told her how I ended up with the woman of my dreams as a result of my improvements!

Anyway, I didn't mean to hijak the thread..... just a fleeting thought.

February 10, 2006

I was thinking more about this as a way to show off my new found self by telling her

For what reason? There's only one reason to contact an Ex to tell them how much better off you are now, and that's to somehow entice them to come back to you.

When you truly let go you won't have the slightest desire to update them about your life at all. Frankly, once they shut you out they relinquish all rights to know how you're doing.

February 10, 2006

Think of it as a "F'uck you -- look at me now!" kind of thing. Or as another analogy -- the people who talk about "the best revenge is living well."

That's why I could never do it right now -- because a part of me does want her back. I'd only do this when I know I have moved on and AM doing well!

February 10, 2006

Think of it as a "F'uck you -- look at me now!" kind of thing. Or as another analogy -- the people who talk about "the best revenge is living well."

The best revenge is living well and not saying a word to her. Silence speaks volumes and more than you could ever say in a 'f-you I'm doing well' message. When you're doing well you won't ever have the desire to contact her anymore.

That's why I could never do it right now -- because a part of me does want her back. I'd only do this when I know I have moved on and AM doing well!

Like I said, when you're truly doing well any desire to contact her will disappear.

February 10, 2006

Think of it as a "F'uck you -- look at me now!" kind of thing. Or as another analogy -- the people who talk about "the best revenge is living well."

That's why I could never do it right now -- because a part of me does want her back. I'd only do this when I know I have moved on and AM doing well!

If you truely have moved on and are doing well, there's no need to seek some kind of validation or get a final pot shot, especially if a significant amount of time has passed. CG is right.

Anyways, though, if you really want to do it -- as a learning experience -- I'd say, try it and see how you feel. It won't be a good thing and it will just end up destroying all the work you've done to get better.

February 10, 2006

Well Ok then! But the idea of taking that pot-shot is bringing a smile to my face and making me feel better now.... lol I like the idea of her reading it and getting all depressed that she let a good one slip away....

For now, and probably forever, I'll just use the imagery to lift my spirits...

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