ohzee Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 Superbowl Sunday, I was home surrounded by friends, including a new date (she is not really my type), I met recently. It’s the end of the fourth quarter, Pittsburg is winning. I have had my share of beers throughout the afternoon. Suddenly, my cell phone rings, (no caller ID), Guess who? Yep, it’s her. I excuse myself and go into a private room to take the call. As some of you may remember she called a week ago only to hear my voice. Now she wanted to tell me that all the warnings and predictions I had given her during the decision making of our break-up had all come true. Now she is depressed and hurting. The kicker is she also informed me that she and her b/f have left the state. News I did not need to hear. It appears to me that these calls she has been making to me are all behind his back. Reason for my assumption is the calls are very limited in time and few detail are brought to the table because of that. My guess is she has started to see the light of her ways and is slowly but surely regretting her poor decision. I knew in my heart that this would eventually happen, yet I never prepared to deal with this possibility of a second chance. Since the break up I have been on strict NC. I used NC for its true purpose, not for the purpose of getting her back. I thought I was almost completely over the pain and misery but after that call I came apart faster then the shuttle on reentry. The fact is I do want her back on my terms. I do not know the extent of damage she has done as far as her relocation, loosing her job etc. I am convinced she wants to come back, otherwise why would she call me. We did not remain friends; we did not keep in touch. So why is she calling me? So here I am again at 3:00 AM on a work night, wide awake and stressing over different unknown scenarios and hopes of reconciliation. I think this is the opportunity I had been hoping for. That opportunity may be here and now I am scared, I want her, but at the same time I don’t want to wrap the noose around my own neck. I feel I really need to talk to her to get honest details as to what she is feeling and what her intentions are. Option one is to embrace the opportunity and do what ever it takes to return to a very happy life with her. Or go with option two, dismiss the entire idea and demand she never contacts me again, go back on NC and finish healing completely. I really wish I could make this decision with a guarantee of no regrets. Does this ever end?
Art_Critic Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 I am convinced she wants to come back, otherwise why would she call me. If she hasn't made it clear why she is contacting you then she doesn't want to get back.. she is just stroking her ego to she if your still in the wings. If she wanted you back you would know and wouyldn't have any questions about it. Continue NC.. and the next time the phone rings while your with a date... Don't answer WTF ?
HotCaliGirl Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 I thought I was almost completely over the pain and misery but after that call I came apart faster then the shuttle on reentry. Why did you guys break up? The fact is I do want her back on my terms. What are your terms? The fact that she calls you means she still likes you, but doesn't have the courage to tell you at the risk of you rejecting her now that she's coming back, and wants you to bring it up? If you still like her, which it sounds like you do, be nice when she calls until she feels comfortable enough to tell you what her intentions are towards you, or you can straight out ask her so if she doesn't want to get back together, she doesn't keep hurting you with the calls she is making to make HERSELF feel better... I started posting here the day after Super Bowl last year when I becamse suspicious of my then boyfriend cheating on me so I celebrated this year with a big party, but was not even tempted at all to calll his sorry cheating behind so she obviously has some feelings for you that need to be explored.
Author ohzee Posted February 7, 2006 Author Posted February 7, 2006 Why did you guys break up? We broke up because, as I found out later, she had within a few months broken up from a long term relationship with this same guy. As soon as he found out I was with her he came running back with everything he muster up to win her back. So basically, I was the rebound guy from a relationship that wasn’t completely over. She made a decision to settle that relationship once and for all…..hence kicking me to the curb. What are your terms? My terms are that this relationship that she is in must be completely over mentally as well as emotionally. There may never be any further contact with him. Finally the true reason she comes back to me is that she truly wants to commit to me not as a rebound guy but because in her heart she wants to be with me.
HotCaliGirl Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 I think at this point if she wants to come back to you, then she feels like she does care to be with you instead of the other guy. Maybe this was a good thing that happened, otherwise she would never be over the other guy deep inside and if 10 years passed and suddenly he was in the picture, how much harder would it have been if she went back to him to test the waters? You wouldn't be able to call it a rebound then...so feel lucky that she feels that her heart is with you, try to be understanding and if I was you I'd be happy and give it a second chance....
gfto Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 I agree completely with Art Critic. Unless she shows up at your door, crying, begging you to take her back, it's strict no contact. Incidently, consider the feelings of your super bowl date. She's not really your type? Then, why are you with her? Don't lead her on if you're not into her.
Author ohzee Posted February 7, 2006 Author Posted February 7, 2006 Incidently, consider the feelings of your super bowl date. She's not really your type? Then, why are you with her? Don't lead her on if you're not into her. The purpose for adding her into this thread was to point out that I am trying to move on. I met this girl a few days ago and since I was throwing the bowl party I invited her. Yes she was my date, however the date proved to both of us that we are not into each other. although we still talk we are no longer seeing each other. But I do appreciate you taking that into concideration. that would be cold of me.
oss91 Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 Unless she shows up at your door, crying, begging you to take her back, it's strict no contact. This will never happen. Think about it, if you dumped a girl and after a while decided you wanted her back, would you show up randomly at her house one night banging down the door, professing you love, and acting like a damned fool? I know I wouldn't. I'd be trying to test the waters and see how the ex still felt about me and if I could somehow ease my way back into her life, which seems to be what she's doing with you. The fact she's calling you and getting in touch with you means she still likes you. That's always good. And while at this moment she may not want to "get back together" per se, it doesn't mean that she won't in the future. If you play your cards right, stay calm and don't panic, who knows what may happen. When she calls/IMs/emails just be friendly and make every conversation positive and fun. Remind her why y'all were together in the first place. Just don't play games. Don't ignore her when she contacts you if you truly want to talk with her. Face it, the only way to remind her how much fun y'all had together is to continue having fun every chance you get - no matter how short the opportunity is. If YOU want to move on then go no contact, but if you just have a gut feeling that all may not be lost, then respond in a positive manner. Just be mature about the whole thing and let things play out on their own.
Author ohzee Posted February 12, 2006 Author Posted February 12, 2006 This past Wednesday I was at the jobsite, doing my thing when my cell phone rang. I took the call and again it was her. She apologized for the brief call on Super Bowl Sunday and expressed she was unable to talk at that time. But at that time she wanted me to know that I was right about the predictions. Now Wednesday, she had plenty of time to converse. She started off by telling me how she should have listened to everything I had told her that would happen, (at time of break-up). She was very apologetic and remorseful for what she had done. She realizes that she, in her words, lost something precious and wanted to know if the there was any chance of saving it. I listened intently for several minutes then asked what the real purpose of the call was and would she be honest with me. She agreed to be honest and reminded me that she had promised me that when she realized that her new relationship failed, she would call me so I could tell her “I told you so”, and laugh at her. Of which I didn’t do either. We also had agreed that when it did fail, I would have the opportunity at a second chance before she got involved with anyone else. So here she is keeping to her word. She expressed concerns that I would for ever hold this against her and continuously throw it in her face. She asked if I would restart a new relationship with resentment towards her. She asked if my family hated her for her actions. I assured her that none of the above was true and would never occur. I told her that I was glad she did what she did because had she not gone thru with it our relationship would have been one that included him on her mind. Not fully dedicated to just us. So she got it out of her system, and now is sure he is not for her. Here is where it gets a little weird; as some of you may remember, when he found out I was with her he came running back. Well, he moved her and her daughter out of the state so that I would not be able to chase her and would not have any influence on them. Well guess what, I went on strict NC and still had complete influence on them. She took our history with her and has compared him to me since their restart. He is very much aware that he is constantly being measured up to me. They constantly argue and she no longer wants to be there. She is very unhappy with her current situation. Whether she told me these things to stroke my ego or just being honest I may never know, but this was included in the conversation. We concluded the call with me telling her that if she truly wanted to be with me I would bring her back home. This was a decision she had to make on her own. She told me she needed to talk with her mom and family because they all are concerned with her previous decisions and she would call me again and let me know of her pending decision. It is Sunday morning now; I have been awake since 2 AM wondering why I have not heard from her. Does she really want to be with me or just get out of the miserable conditions? I have not contacted her nor have I made any effort to influence her decision. I am aware that there are a lot of certain logistics in making the final break, relocating and transplanting her child again. My patience is thinning and I am starting to get concerned. What is she waiting on?
HotCaliGirl Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Does she really want to be with me or just get out of the miserable conditions? I have not contacted her nor have I made any effort to influence her decision. From her not contacting you again since Wed. and from all the complaints she is making (I do think she is stroking your ego) I do think that there is a possibility that she just wants a free ticket to be paid for her and her child to transport back. If she (finally) does call again, you can tell her that you are still confused and once she gets back, you can talk to her in person about the two of you.
Citizen Erased Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I really do think that noone but this woman could possibly know what is exactly going through her mind, but I will try to analyse her bahaviour. From the sounds of it, she still has feelings for you, but the thing is could you trust her anymore? Would you indeed throw this in her face whenever you have a fight over something? She hasnt called for a fewdays, she could be arguing with her current partner about this decision, after all he does have every right to be consulted about this. Her family is involved too and so this is much deeper than it seems. I wouldnt make any guesses until you hear directly from her. If she eventually calls you back and tells you she has changed her mind then respect her decision, but just remind her this is the last time and go back to NC. Of course, if its any more then a week from today then I would give up! Some relationships do deserve a second chance and work out, but some dont, which you have to be prepared for. Good luck
Author ohzee Posted February 16, 2006 Author Posted February 16, 2006 For those of you that have kept up with the drama I have been living and those of you that have been there for me with the great advise and caring words, I thank you all. I have been reading everyone’s saga since I found LS in November, last year. I found this site by accident shortly after my break up. I read almost every post daily and find some incredible healing assistance in it. There are some very wise people on this site and I encourage you to listen to their wisdom. It helped me incredibly. The purpose for this post is; there are very few threads on here with happy endings. I would like to share, hopefully for the last time, a very happy ending. I will try to make it as brief as possible. Last November my girl ended our relationship stating she was not quite over her ex and required that relationship to either work or find out for herself that it is not for her. At that time I gave her multiple reasons as why not to take that challenge. My argument was fruitless and I was dismissed. I found this site and thru the wisdom of others learned of the values of NC. I determined that my situation would require Strict NC so I set my mind to it. During this hard, hurtful and extremely long process, I did a lot of soul searching and realized I had some undesirable character traits. I made it my goal to improve and correct these qualities in preparation for a future relationship. I feel that I have been successful at my goal at this time. I just have to concentrate on not allowing those undesirables to return. I now consider myself a better man for it. If you read the original post on this thread I can move along. Communication has increased to several daily conversations. She has finally admitted the she made a terrible mistake in judgment. The choice she made by going back to her ex has been very painful to her and her young daughter. She expressed regret and remorse for her actions. She told me that once she accepted responsibility for her mistake she has been praying that I would consider accepting her back in my life where she truly wants to be. The recent conversations we have had have been very sincere, honest and emotional. I have decided that she is worth as second chance. As embarrassing and humiliating as it was for her to come forth and pour out her heart to me, I truly believe she is being honest with me. I have decided to reinvest my heart into this relationship. In a few hours I will take a 2500 mile round trip drive to bring her and her daughter back home to me. We plan to be a family and if I don’t fall back to my old ways I am certain this will be a relationship that most would be jealous of. This morning I feel a happiness that I have not felt in a very long time. I owe this to all of you that contribute daily to help others on this site. You are all a great bunch of caring and wonderful people. Sometimes there is a happy ending, and there is a lot to be said for the powers of NC. Thank you all. Sincerely, Ohzee
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