Devildog Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 Okay, I want as much input here as possible. Many of you are well aware of the situation I have had to deal with regarding my XW. This past weekend she asked me about counseling. I am not entirely sure if she means us to go to joint counseling or what? She mentioned that it might help to work things out for our daughter's benefit. Now the issues I have: First, I am not sure if this is some attempt by her to try again regarding the marriage. I don't want that. And if that is her goal here then I don't want to be bothered with this. But on the other hand, she obviously needs counseling if she is ever going to be a happy, reasonable person. Also, if this is nothing more than a ploy to try to get another chance, is she really going to be honest with herself, which she needs to be in order for the counseling to do her any good? Should I recommend she start individual counseling before we even discuss anything beyond that? FWIW, I don't think she will be able to be honest enough and I know she will not like what she will hear regarding the situation, so I really have my doubts that there will be any benefit from this. But if there is the slightest chance that she might become a reasonable, healthy person, should I play along for my daughter's sake?
Ladyjane14 Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 I'm curious as to how she framed her question about counseling. What was the topic of discussion at the time? Regardless, I think it would probably be safe to say that she's having difficulty with you being mad at her. Through your posts, I get the feeling that she's insecure and can't stand for people to think ill of her at all. In regards to YOU in particular.....it's probably ALOT more difficult to influence you now. You're no longer cooperating with her manipulations the way you used to. Anyway, there are some good things to be had in counseling, but....forgive me for sounding jaded....I seriously doubt that those "good things" are what she's after. You're like a 'bad hair day' these days....she can't do a damn thing with ya! And I'm thinking that she wants to enlist aid in the form of a third party to reassert her influence. You can throw out a few hoops for her to jump through, just to guage her true interest level before committing to anything. I found several book titles at Amazon.com just by typing the words "coparenting, divorce" into the Amazon book search. I would suggest maybe buying two copies of one of those books, one for her and one for you, and asking her to read it first while you read your copy. Maybe suggest to her that you'd like to see what can be accomplished first before committing yourselves to counseling. I think you'll be able to tell where her head is, not only by how she reacts to the idea initially, but IF she carries through on it. You expressed some concern with getting her into counseling in order that she, herself, might become more healthy. Again, this might sound jaded but I don't think she'd actually get much out of it. If she was interested in IC, she would have gone a LONG TIME AGO....when it still might have made a difference. And there's nothing really that stops her from going now. She's got to want it, before she'll get anything positive out of it. 1
dgiirl Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 As always, ladyjane gave great advice. Just to relieve your fears tho, a good counsellor will listen to your concerns and realize that you do NOT want to work on the marriage and should respect that. When my exh left me, I was devastated and I wanted to go to counselling. My exh told me he would go with me if it would help me accept the marriage was over but he wouldnt go to help save the marriage. I went on my own and told the counsellor that he'd be willing to come if it would help. I really wanted him to come, but she wouldnt let me bring him. She simply told me to thank him and maybe if she has further questions she'll invite him. Never happened tho.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 DD- unless it's about how to co parent effectively, she needs to be in IC. Ladyjane was right on with her advise!
butterflygurl929 Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 Did she say she wants to work things out? Maybe she is just wanting to do it for the child? Wanting to make things as simple as possible for her child. I haven't read any of your other posts ,so im just stating from a women's point of view. Women love and strive to protect their child from things, so to make peace they will go to great lengths.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 Did she say she wants to work things out? Maybe she is just wanting to do it for the child? Wanting to make things as simple as possible for her child. I haven't read any of your other posts ,so im just stating from a women's point of view. Women love and strive to protect their child from things, so to make peace they will go to great lengths. Yeah, I can tell you haven't read any of his posts! She's definitely not trying to "make peace" but I can see your point BG!
Author Devildog Posted February 7, 2006 Author Posted February 7, 2006 Did she say she wants to work things out? Maybe she is just wanting to do it for the child? Wanting to make things as simple as possible for her child. I haven't read any of your other posts ,so im just stating from a women's point of view. Women love and strive to protect their child from things, so to make peace they will go to great lengths. Wow, they don't even have a smilie that comes close to the laughter from that one! No offense meant butterflygurl, it's just very obvious you haven't read any of the other parts of this saga. It's a long story. 25 pages on the initial post. And a couple of other multi-pagers here and there on this board. Readers Digest version. Newborn daughter died, XW went off the deep end, started screwing around with old HS crush. Kicked me out of our home to pursue the fling. I suggested counselling, she refused. Divorced. HS flame humped and dumped. Year later and she has recently been blatantly hinting she would like another chance. There is a whole crapload more to it, but that is a very general overview. Now for everyone else. I agree wholeheartedly with what has been said so far. I guess I was thinking of a bait and switch kinda situation. Get her into counseling BAMN, and hope she gets her head straightened out, not to go back.
Spurned Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 Hey Devildog It seems pretty clear that your ex-wife is trying to get back together with you! There are selfish motivations for every action we take, and your wife's cogent arguments about "working it out for your child" are probably a ruse to get you to open a dialogue with her. And this time, in front of a neutral third party so she can insinuate her way back into your life and heart. I hope you do whatever is best for you and your kid, obviously I have no experiential basis to give you advice, but I hope that my opinion regarding this matter helps clarify things for you! Good luck, dude!
Author Devildog Posted February 15, 2006 Author Posted February 15, 2006 Yeah, it was an attempt to see if she could have another chance. And when I told her another chance wasn't an option, she went right back to form. It was everyone else's fault that she did what she did. She didn't have any choice. If we had just given her a chance to get her head together, blah blah blah. So I pointed out that she had plenty of choices at the time. That no one forced her into doing what she did. And that if she had actually taken the time to get her head together rather than see it as an opportunity to screw around and "sow her wild oats" it would have been a different story. And right back to the "they were just friends" line. Funny how even her parents tell a different story there. Still no personal responsibility on her part. Still not taking ownership of her role in all this. Typical her. Oh, and of course I am being a bad father because I am not willing to give her another chance for our daughter's sake. It's funny how when she tore our family apart it was for our daughter's sake and now she wants to fix things for our daughter's sake.
dgiirl Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 sheesh, she needs to stop doing things for your daughter's sake lol
Author Devildog Posted February 15, 2006 Author Posted February 15, 2006 You know dgiirl, I laughed at that comment at first. But then I started thinking about it. What happens if she actually starts to blame my daughter for her problems. If she has used her as an excuse for leaving the marriage, if she is trying to use her as an excuse to have a second chance, is it a stretch to think she might start viewing my daughter as the reason her life is so screwed up? I hope not, but damn, that seems to be a realistic possibility here. I'm sure it doesn't help that my daughter won't let my XW be involved in anything we do together. For example, a few months ago I took my daughter to see Wallace and Gromit in the theatre. It just came out on DVD, my XW asked my daughter if she wanted her to buy it for her. My daughter said no, that I would be the one that got it for her. Which of course I had the very day it came out.
dgiirl Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 That is a very sad thought indeed. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to prevent that except be there for your girl and show her how much you love her. However, my initial guess is that she's not using her as an excuse but more of a leverage against YOU to do things for her. If she makes you feel guilty enough, she gets her way. She's probably jealous too that your daughter doesnt want things from your xw, but your ex is just going to have to live with that and work through it. You might be able to _gently_ tell your wife that by her using the kid as an excuse, she's kind of placing blame on her and that you wont tolerate that. But your ex doesnt seem very rational so I dont know how far that would get you.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Yeah, it was an attempt to see if she could have another chance. And when I told her another chance wasn't an option, she went right back to form. It was everyone else's fault that she did what she did. She didn't have any choice. If we had just given her a chance to get her head together, blah blah blah. So I pointed out that she had plenty of choices at the time. That no one forced her into doing what she did. And that if she had actually taken the time to get her head together rather than see it as an opportunity to screw around and "sow her wild oats" it would have been a different story. And right back to the "they were just friends" line. Funny how even her parents tell a different story there. Still no personal responsibility on her part. Still not taking ownership of her role in all this. Typical her. Oh, and of course I am being a bad father because I am not willing to give her another chance for our daughter's sake. It's funny how when she tore our family apart it was for our daughter's sake and now she wants to fix things for our daughter's sake. Oh wow, DD. You know, I can somewhat relate to your ex a bit on this end. Don't hit me!!! It's just that it IS hard on the WS (wayward) but not until much later. I guess I didn't get the reality of exactly what I'd done till much later and it still continues to weigh heavily on me, even now that I'm remarried. I think alot about what would have happened if I would have slowed down a bit more- and took a bit more time in getting the divorce. For my kid's sake. Your wife is wayyyyy more mental than I ever was, and in reality, should be because she lost a child. Of course you did too, and I'm not trying to minimize that at all- it's just that I cannot imagine what she went through- what either of you went through- and this is probably not uncommon in that situation. It's just sad, DD. Not that I think you should take her back. I believe she's only doing this because reality has set in, and this other guy is gone. She's starting to see things were not as bad as she thought they were. I think she's not doing it because she loves you and misses you but more of because she thinks it will make her life easier.
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