Why are people still scared of not being single if they have something better?

[Tangerina]

Grrrr.... so I have a basically perfect relationship... won't go into details but it is so loving and beautiful and great and I have felt so happy and relaxed... a big contrast from my last relationship where I was always walking on eggshells...

 

The only real problem that has ever come up (not counting silly arguments or things like that) is that although he is absolutely crazy about me and wants to be with me, he is scared that maybe because he likes me so much it means that we will get married some day and he will never be single again... (We are 20)... Being single is something he has enjoyed greatly in the past... he is kind of a player, but also falls for people hard when he falls (ie it was his idea to keep seeing each other when I moved to a new city, his idea to committ to a relationship, etc...)

 

After many hours of talking about this, one thing that I realized is that his deffinition of a "short term" relationship and my deffinition of a "long term" relationship are pretty similar... I think he thinks of "long term" as basically setling down and leading towards marriage... my deffinition of long term is commit to each other, go through a few big life changes together and see what happens, find out if you grow closer and can appreciate each new stage... his deffinition of short term is "see what happens"... so once we figured out this semantic difference a lot was cleared up and we realized that we really were on the same page, just playing the relationship out and seeing where it takes us...

 

And like I said, he is crazy about me... does and says sweet things all of the time.... talks about a future together... or like the other day when we hadn't even been talking about this problem at all he is holding me and says very genuinely "God, I can't even believe I wan't to be single sometimes, because how could I ever meet anyone better than you?" But he still does want to be single sometimes... Listening to his past stories, all of his happiest times have been when he has been in love and committed, but he still deffinitely has a BIG attraction to the thrills of being single....

 

My problem isn't so much that he feels that way, because I don't know any guys or many girls my age who don't feel that way sometimes... and my problem isn't the marriage thing, because although in some possible futures I could see myself with him, it isn't a pressing concern to me right now compared to things like.... finishing my degree, going to grad school, etc... our relationship is very important to me, however, and I fall more in love with him every time we are together and I can see that although the immediacy and excitement are wearing off for him, he is as attracted to me (physically and mentally) and in love with me as ever.... It's just thinking about this whole issue kind of causes a "Fight or Flight" response in me because it was a big issue in my last relationship as well and I have developed some powerful emotions about it. For a while this weekend I seriously toyed with the idea of just letting him go, because if he is thinking about this seriously after 7 months it is only going to become a bigger deal to him, part of me says, and things will get less exciting, not more, as time goes on and if he isn't ready to be committed then I don't want to hold him back and pretend, just to lose him after I have fallen even deeper.... I even told him this and he said it scared him because he doesn't want to lose me... I told him that I don't want to lose him either, but I also don't want to hold onto him if that isn't fully what he wants... because as long as we are together and in love my actions in the relationship are geared towards learning and growing closer....

 

The understanding that we have come to is that of course he wants to be with me otherwise we wouldn't be together, and he thinks I am amazing and he is excited to be with me but he is never going to stop wishing he were single sometimes.... he is coming down off of the initial infatuation that makes it seem like anything is possible and is realizing that in reality I may not be "The One" (which his infatuated brain made him assume I was, who knows, it could be, but that is way in the future) and now he is just adjusting to a more evaluative approach towards the relationship, really trying to learn and see how our personalities do and don't mesh.... From this viewpoint I am right there with him... I am even moving to his city (I used to live there) over the summer so we can get more real time together and really see how things are and where they are going.... I feel relieved that he has stopped talking about marriage because honestly at the beginning of the relationship I was afraid that his infatuation was giving him unrealistic views of me and that when he finally saw that I was normal and even boring sometimes it would be a huge letdown... I think in some ways it is a bit of a letdown for him settling into the "sameness" that comes with the long term... but personally I thrive in serious relationships, feed off of the comfort and friendship and love that develops, I love having a lover who is also a friend (and not having to wonder where my next booty call is coming from.... ewww, or where it has been... shudder) but seriously, that is who I am... if I can be with someone who is worth my time, that is where I am happiest. As I said, from his past stories and what he has expressed to me about our relationship, (and what I have read about his past crushes in his Live Journal, awwww) I can see that being loved and in a relationship really what makes him feel most alive, but it still makes me feel so insecure and sad that "not being single" is such a big deal to him.... I mean, I could understand if things weren't going well or if we were finding that our personalities don't match like we thought they did.... then being single would seem attractive to me too, but nope, things are perfect as ever except that he is afraid of not being single anymore.... it makes me feel bad that he could be so happy with me and this could still be such an issue...

 

What is the big deal, anyways? I mean, if you don't have anyone to be with then it is a great way to pass the time... playing the field and all.... but oh my god, given the choice I would chose a lover who I know really loves me, who knows the good and bad of me and still wants to be in my bed, who knows my body and mind and how to please both, who still wants to be with me in the un-sexy times, and the cranky times and when they tell me I am beautiful I know they mean it because they know the ugly things too and still see the beauty.... given the choice I would chose that in a heartbeat over the thrill and feelings of validation that come with seduction.... even though a random encounter can be more intense on the short term, it just does nothing for me in any way that compares to being loved.... I just don't understand how it can be so seductive to someone who HAS the love....

[Tangerina]

Thanks for listening, sometimes I have too many words and I deffinitely overthink things, which leads to even more words....

 

I think I am just gunshy right now, since I put up with so much crap and confusion in my last relationship even small bits of confusion in this one make me want to run for the hills... this is worth it though, because as he said in a song that he wrote me "Being with you today is gonna change who I'm gonna be..." Reality is that things probably won't work out in the long run (tho it is nice to think they might!) but I am not going to learn anything or get anywhere from dwelling on our collective insecurities... I just get afraid sometimes that I will hold on too tight or too long and resentment will grow instead of love....... been there and I didn't like it.... I really need a mantra reminding myself that this is a new situation with new positives and negatives and I can't let my past fears and failures dictate how I feel in this situation...

 

If I don't risk anything, I can't gain anything... the trick is knowing when the risk is worth it and I think it is in this case... he wants to see our love grow just as much as I do, he is just scared about some things, as I m scared about other things...