Single mum meets bachelor- ! Alpha, you out there?

[datingmum]

Here's the short of it (ha ha):

 

I'm new to the dating world after being married for years. I ended my marriage a year and a half ago and haved moved on to create a stable environment for my two young daughters 3 & 4). One of the biggest reasons this marriage failed (besides the fact that we met when we were children, never fully individuated, were not equally certain about marriage <he was not> or children <he was not>) was that due to my ex's reluctance to have children, he played out his resentment by withdrawing from our family unit. He was an emotionally unavailable dad, even though he begged me not to abort our second child because he 'wanted it all to work out'. We're both ex-pats living in the UK. I am twenty-nine, turning 30 this month.

 

Met a beautiful soul after moving to a new apartment and digging into my new life. He was my NEIGHBOR! We have so many compatibilities - we both love literature (I'm trying to write for a living, he was a Classics major), both like a tidy home, have same musical tastes, same snotty views, both love to ride motorbikes...

 

Everything has been gorgeous and I took it slow introducing him to my girls, telling him at every step "I have children.... you must be careful" along the way. We've done the whole family 'meet the family thing (him inviting me to meet his all the time), the Christmas as girls, etc.

 

Recently, I've discovered a horrible pattern that has pushed me to my limits. We have these wonderful times together, everyone is close and he is super super affectionate. Then, unexpectedly he will begin sabatoging our happiness. It starts with nit-picking until in the end, we always end up on the topic of commitment and how he's panicking because he doesn't a) know if he can be a father figure b) if he wants to be a father figure c) wants marriage/family life over and above his elusive and totally ungrounded in reality (he never does these sorts of things) dreams of travelling the world. Each time, I have said "Okay, I'm going to let go, leave you to your decision." I have been more and more forceful each time. The vacillation has been more and more frequent until they outweigh our loving moments. Since our New Year trip to France with my girls, he has instigated no interest in spending time with them, organising any fun together with them and seems to always 'have something to do' on the weekends that pulls him from our situation. It kills me to watch someone slipping away.

 

He is a very dramatic man, like me. We both love to talk as well. We talk alot about this. Everytime we have an argument arising out of his weird, nitpicky behaviour, he admits what he is doing and says it's subconscious because of his turmoil. Yet he keeps telling me he loves me, is certain his life would be worse without me, feels extreme pain when we're apart, keeps telling me "it's all going to work out, I'm going to make it all okay". Nearly a year into our relationship, I am ready for a committed and happy family life with this man who wants to spend all of his time with me (just NOT be a father figure). I feel half-loved . I don't expect him to be SuperDad or anything, just ask us all out or come over and hang out with us like he used to.

 

The paradox is, he wants me all the time, but is so scared of marriage. He has lots of issues about this from his own childhood. What's worse, because we were neighbours (not anymore, i bought my own house) we were sleeping together from about 4 months into our relationship and he would sneak to his next door in the morning before the girls woke. So now, we really feel the pain of separation when we are apart.

 

I do not know what to do. It's happened one time too many, and all of this pain distracts me from my writing and from being emotionally strong and available for my children. I keep telling him, we need to make a decision about what we are going to do. Each time, he convinced me with his words that he had 'commitment issues' and 'loved me so much he was ready to work through them and would I help him with that'. He told me he was ready to live with me 2 weeks ago. I said "okay, you know how I feel about living together, though - i'd like to be married first and let's sit with this decision for a year before we do it so that we can be sure" A week or so later, some great house deals came up along my road and I brought home the details. He ignored them. I ignored that he ignored them. I was interested in his response and whether or not he truly was ready to do all of the practical planning and looking and talking about our future together. If we are to set up a situation in which we can successfully be together, a situation where he does not feel trapped, wherein we are both a party to choosing our new life,then that process needs to start now.

 

I feel I'm in limbo. On the one hand, I see what a huge life changing experience this will be for him. On the other, I truly believe if he just jumped into the experience, he would work through all of these fears, WE would work through them hand in hand. I could handle some of his critical, negative acting out behaviours if I knew that, in the bottom of his heart, and in his reality, he was committed.

 

 

Someone help me decipher this before I get hurt even more. I'm thinking of breaking it off tonight. But he has repeatedly stated he will not let me go. So, short of him down on one knee, how can I gauge his wholehearted dedication to overcoming his fears and engaging in my whole family life? Each time I've let him in, I've been disappointed.

 

Further, I feel like by breaking up with him, I am almost issuing an ultimatum that may force him to do something his heart does not believe in, and I will end up in the situation i was in with my ex.

 

Am I expecting a fairytale romance?

 

I have a date with him in 3 hours, and I think he knows this may be coming. I'm dreading doing it, but I have no idea what other route to take.

 

Sorry to be long. Thanks for listening.

 

 

xxxxxxx

[alphamale]

well DATINGMUM...heres the deal. In this situation he percieves that he has much more to lose and you have more to gain if you end up marrying. He would also have to assist in raising another man's children which is no easy task and he would also lose his freedom. You, on the other hand, would gain security and a father-like figure for your kids.

 

You should talk with him and agree to a time period (six months or one year, whatever) where everything stays status quo. After that time period you both agree to part ways or get engaged/married.

 

i think you would agree this situation is more stressful for him than for you.

[datingmum]

Hi there! I've been reading your posts for years now, hence asking for your help.

 

 

You two sound just alike, alpha! Your view is his exactly.

 

The problem we have is: we already agreed this! We agreed that he is very committed to me and feels that me having children is almost Shakespearean in its tragedy. In this vein, we agreed to sit with our decision. I guess the house details thing shook him up a little bit, but I can't walk on eggshells! We agreed to let it sit, no changes... however, he can't seem to handle that either! He is a real romantic at heart, a traditionalist and I think that just by being with me and loving me - he feels PRESSURE to do the right thing in his mind.

 

Plus, he is feeling the pressure within himself! As I said, when we hang out together and it's good, inevitably he ends up freaking out with no prompting or provocation from me. How am I suppossed to deal with this? Am I to expect him to spend no time with my children either?

 

Cheers my dear.

 

One and a half hours to meeting. And the worst part is, if I break it off tonight, I'm missing "jerry springer: the opera" which was banned here last year! ha ha

[alphamale]

Hi there! I've been reading your posts for years now, hence asking for your help.

thats nice, thanks

 

You two sound just alike, alpha! Your view is his exactly.

why do you need to get married? ever though of that? maybe you should just accept the relationship as it is....if you cannot deal with not getting married then you should move on to someone else. if you can deal with the realtionship the way it is for ever than stay with him....easy as that.

[datingmum]

Your post generated many thoughts on marriage and living together. Initially, I wanted to just 'live together'. It was not until he planted the dream of marriage in my head that I began to fall in love with the idea. Since he has vacillated on his decision to be completely in my life (either living together or marriage), I've found it hard to stomach. It made me want a firm symbol of our commitment to one another, i.e. marriage. I forgot to mention that he went through a whole series of shenanigans during our first few months together including:

 

"when you're my wife", "when we have our children" "will you buy a house with me" (which culminated in me saying no because it was too early at that point) etc.

 

NOW, he's not sure. I guess that when he got to see the reality of me and of being in a committed relationship as a father figure, he panicked and backpeddled.

 

This NEVER works in all my knowledge. Backing off of a relationship just leads to resentment, feelings that it was 'never meant to be' etc. Marriage #1 taught me this.

 

 

ANYWAY:

 

I've been out with him this evening. I was friendly, confident, funny and sweet. I told him exactly what you said "You are right, honey. It is asking much much more compromise and change from you than from me. I realise how stressful this decision is and I respect you for making it." It was the perfect way to begin.

 

He discussed his fears: does he want to be tied down in this way vs he can't live without me.

 

I pointed out that I need to stanch the wound and would leave him to make up his own mind.

 

He said "but i was ready to live together but then you pushed marriage"

 

I said "I'm not pushing marriage anymore" (but for the sake of argument, inside I still want this)

 

Then he wiggled around on the living together subject.

 

I threw up my hands and said "I love you but goodbye!!!"

 

The whole time he was grinning at me, touching me, trying to kiss me. We were in public by the way - less danger of having sex that way.

 

So, as I go to walk out the door he says "So if we live together...."

 

I laugh between kisses and say "Goddammit, I knew I bargained too low!"

 

We devolve into financial discussions which eventually bring us back to the subject of marriage. From a purely financial perspective, I HAVE ASSETS TO PROTECT. Getting married will not protect these assets, but will act as a further barrier to losing them. If I put in our whole house downpayment and pay all the legal fees etc, and he gets the house/mortgage in his name and pays the mortgage (as he has the big income now), then how am I protected? He says it's about trust. Yeah. Try using that word in the middle of an all out blazing argument! Or when you find your nanny on top of him! ha! joking, but you never know, do you?

 

I also do not want to be stuck in a house I cannot afford on my own if he chooses to leave.

 

I have two children to protect as well, Alpha.

 

Plus, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I just love him and want to be his wife. I want to know he loves me that way and I want the world to know it BEFORE I EXPOSE MYSELF TO EMOTIONAL/FINANCIAL/SPIRITUAL PAIN. I want to be ''the one''. I want our story to be romantic! Not "we'll get married because we got pregnant" and/or "everyone is pressuring us to do it!"

 

I told him as he drove me home "Don't call me, come over, or bring champagne and flowers at all. Only come back here if you have packed your suitcases and are moving in" He knows what I mean.

 

He was smiling and kissing me. It was almost as if he needed me to push him, I swear! We'll see in the coming months/days.

 

So, if he wants to do the live-together thing - how will I overcome this marriage barrier? How will I stop it from bothering me when his family insinuates? or my girlfriends? or anyone?

 

The truth is, alpha, and you know it: the one is the one is the one. You're not the one until he is down on one knee telling you so, until he carries those words down the aisle and puts them into action throughout the rest of your lives together!

 

My first husband never knew, we lived together, we married and it all reflected in the way he treated our relationship and then the way he treated our children. I'd be an a*shole to do it again!

 

God. You must be thinking "She's an aspiring writer?" This is the most long winded, unedited drivel I could possibly produce!

 

Thanks for reading it though. I guess some masculine side of me identifies with you