preferwhispers Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 This is a repost from Second Chances, but I think the people here may have insight as well: My story: We broke up a little over a week ago after about a year together. At the time I didn't say a word. I began NC almost immediately with some unusual reactions from her. After five days I decided I needed some closure, some discussion, and so she agreed to meet me at a bar. Our great connection was there in full force (we actually had a good time), but she had decided we needed to pursue independent lives. It was sad. The only remaining issue was the 'exchange of things.' I told her to come to my apartment on Saturday at noon and take her things and leave mine, and leave the key. That was that. Friday night I was at a party and at 2am she texts me to 'confirm' the plan. My night was ruined so I went home. By the time I was getting into bed I already had 3 other texts starting from 'stop playing' to her regretting sending so many texts. I replied to tell her the plan was on. The next day (Saturday) she takes her stuff and leaves my stuff. As planned. Saturday afternoon, she calls me. Something about forgetting a few things, but also because she felt so weird making the exchange without any contact between us (b/c the previous Tuesday was our 'last goodbye'). She wants to go to dinner. I hesistate, but ultimately agree. What ensued was an entire night of making out, going to a bar, making out, going to a party, making out, making out, and her sleeping over at my place... This morning we make out some more and she goes to work. So tonight I'm confused as hell. So I decide to call her and see where she is. She says she had a great night/morning with me. She is adamant that we are not 'back together,' but wants to plan to go out again next weekend, acknowledging that the exact same thing will likely happen. It seems to me that she is trying to take things very slowly from here, and wants to avoid the label of being 'back together' because there are legitimate reasons we broke up and these do not disappear in a day. Moreover, even having a big discussion about what everything means and doesn't mean with her makes us both uncomfortable and wondering if we are doing the right thing. Meanwhile, I'm left confused. Does anyone see disaster lurking here, or is this a legitimate second chance? I don't want to find out in 2 weeks that I was my own rebound guy. What do you think?
newbby Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 it sounds as though she is lonely after breaking up, and wants to keep you around until she gets over it. if you agree to this, it is saying, that you are happy with no commitment. do nc (no contact, not no commitment), and ask her to contact you only if she wants to give a real relationship another chance.
Author preferwhispers Posted February 6, 2006 Author Posted February 6, 2006 do second chances necessarily start with full commitment? can you 'start over' just as you would start with someone else, that is, commitment is something that builds over time? are the only choices are all-in or folding. I don't feel justified in asking for 100% commitment a week and a half after we ended our relationship. is it inconcievable that essentially dating her while maintaining a great deal of distance otherwise (i.e. no sappy phone calls, email poems, daily emails asking how it is going) could allow us to build something back up? i'm trying not to summarily dismiss the 'go NC' advice, but i would like to know if it's the consensus that it's a crazy path to take. thanks
newbby Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 She is adamant that we are not 'back together,' if she wants to take things slowly, why have to state that you are not back together? do second chances necessarily start with full commitment? can you 'start over' just as you would start with someone else, that is, commitment is something that builds over time? i see what you are saying. in my experience this has never worked. even if the dumper isnt 100% sure about the ending of the relationship, he/she eventually loses respect for the other person. in the beginning of a relationship, you are just getting to know one another. there is not usually a discussion in which it is agreed that you are not committed. in fact this kind of discussion usually only takes place in a fwb type situation, which never (to my knowledge or experience) progresses into anything more than casual. in the beginning of a relationship the commitment is not discussed but is an exciting unfolding, and mutual understanding that this is where things are headed. maybe little conversations here and there that indicate, that things are becoming serious. in my opinion, you cant go back to the very beginning. you might make a decision to drop the past and try again, but going from serious to casual in the hope of going to serious again, just makes no sense to me. maybe somebody else has a different viewpoint to offer.
descartes Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 Some relationships suffer the "live-in catastrophe" where you shack up and the passion goes away for one or both people because you're just too damn close. But it looks like the feelings haven't altogether disappeared. I say if you want this "new" thing with her to work out on any level, play it by her rules. Be a friend with benefits (a lot of guys would kill to have this situation!) and go live life without her. Take the opportunity to be selfish and shower yourself with everything that you deserve in her absense. Remember how much fun it is to live without somebody up in your face asking you what you're thinking all the time. Take up new hobbies, new friends, and be aloof when she contacts you because if you continue to pine for her and she knows this, she'll have all the power in the situation. Most of all, don't pretend that you're doing this just to get things back to the way they were before. For all intensive purposes, that part of your life IS over and unless you had something huge like marriage on the horizon, it's not such a bad situation, right? She still likes you enough to go out with you and hook up every now and again. That's more than most people get when they split. Here's to your new life as an independent stud!
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