KnowHowLoveFeels Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 How many of you who are involved with a MM or MW want to stop thinking about him or her? How successful are you and how did you do it? I am constantly thinking about my MM even though I know that we cannot carry on an affair. (I am married to his best-friend). The affair would be pointless because we would be discoved in a second. Furthermore, there would be too many hurt feelings in the process. I have been imagining him as the scum, and I want to start hating him... but it is so hard to forget. So any "success stories" out there? Thanks for answering my post.
Allegrokw Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 I can't say for sure. I think letting go with love is healthier for you. I just ended a 3 year affair with MM. I am only a couple of weeks into it and I think of him constantly, but we parted lovingly. At least when I think of him it is in good terms. I don't ever want to hate him or stop thinking about all of the wonderful things we shared. Hope this helps.
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 You have to not think of him in a sexual or loving way anymore. It isn't serving you, is it? I mean, why think about something that isn't ever going to happen? You're just setting yourself up for a big hurt and allowing those feelings to continue. You have to tell yourself NO MORE and every time he pops into your head, stop thinking about him! Distract yourself, keep busier and focus all your energy into your husband and marriage.
Jane001 Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Hi, Not so long ago I wrote my story on this forum. I was upset, hurted and furious... I did not know what to do and saw myself as a helpless little girl who could not controlle her feelings and would not ever get over this whole situation. Now a few weeks later I feel great, I took the discision to end my relationship with my committed partner and believe me felt like sh*t for a time, I thought I would never forget him and would not be strong enough to go through this... UNTIL some great friends saw how devastated I was and could no longer see me like this. They ordered me to go out and make fun again... The first night out was terrible, I did not want to see other people and couldn't stop thinking of him!! But it went better and better, I re-believed in myself and saw how great the world could be again (even without him)!! After a few saturdays I met this great guy, we are dating know and it feels super to know how it feels again to be the ONLY one. I'm getting all his attention, I can phone him whenever I want, I can see him whenever I want and I feel wonderful! So please: Go out,go meet other people (even if in the beginning this is absolutely not what you want). Make some fun and start to live again (for yourself) You are worth it!! Believe in yourself and believe in the fact that you are to good to be that second one! P.S.: I'm from Belgium so sorry for my writing-errors! greetz, Jane
My_Other_I Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 One here. Stop fantasizing about him and cut off all possible contact with him. The only way to get over it. Give it time, just wait it out and keep reminding yourself that it's temporary. MOI
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted February 7, 2006 Author Posted February 7, 2006 THanks everyone for posting. I am having such a difficult time forgetting him!!! My H is better, BTW. He does a little bit of house work yesterday (picked up the kids' toys.) I guess my biggest problem is that i am still holding HOPE that OM and I will one day get married. It is a crazy thought. My H loves me and I know that he will not easily let me go. One day, I will be able to look back and see how foolish I was.
Walking away Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 Perhaps one of the hardest things to to is to let go of the hope. However, hanging on to that hope is also a source of discomfort also. I guess I just got to the point where the pleasure of his presence in my life wasn't worth the pain. It is an uphill battle, for sure, but I know that all of us in this situation have the strength to do what is best for our sanity and self respect.
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted February 8, 2006 Author Posted February 8, 2006 I am imagining my OM in all horrible scenarios so that I will eventually built up my ANGER toward him. There are good days whereby I succed in being angry at him, but there are many unsuccessful days as well. I am usually a pretty strong person, and I am fighting this head-on. Thanks guys!
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 Actually, the best way is to keep busy and dont' think of him at all. Yeah, easier said than done...But even if you are thinking of him in negative way - HE is still in your head! Treat it like a bad habit, an addiction that you have to stop. Takes no time to get into a habit...And it takes 30 days to break a habit. Be strong and fight it hard!
sylviaguardian Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 A good way to get over him might be to ask him outright if he sees a future for both of you. He will probably run a mile and then you will have reason not to drool over him.
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted February 8, 2006 Author Posted February 8, 2006 Thanks girls. I started thinking about my "healing" process yesterday as I went back to work at 9PM and stayed there to finish my presentation until well over 2AM. Yes WWIU, I am keeping myself very busy. I put in many, many hours of work instead of getting my sleep because I know that I can't sleep anyway. Sylviaguardian, I have been most preoccupied with that question, of whether he'd throw away his friendship and his family for me, and there are days when I am certain that he would not, yet there are days when I am not so sure. I wish I know the answer!!! Anyway, I was thinking that I won't come back to LS again. I feel that I am not able to completely break away from him because I find myself repeating stuffs... and that brings back memories - which are inconducive to a complete recovery. I admit that I am obsessed with him. I don't know why, though. He is good looking, but I have met many good looking men in my life and I don't become this obsessive. Maybe I knew how impossible it would be to have him. I need to figure this out myself. Thank you all!
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Good luck and please try your best to see that your time with him is over and it wasn't meant to be. It's time for you to put yourself FIRST and do everything you can to move on...Find a single man who will love just you.
My_Other_I Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 A good way to get over him might be to ask him outright if he sees a future for both of you. He will probably run a mile and then you will have reason not to drool over him. LOL! That would be perfect! Unfortunately that is the least scenario likely to happen. PRO-MM are skilled liars and will tell you what they think you want to hear. Unfortunatelly OW gives out many hints on what she wants to hear. I'm not saying all men are like that, some might want a future with the OW, but for whatever reason it's more convenient and comfortable to leave it the way it is.
sylviaguardian Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 I admit that I am obsessed with him. I don't know why, though. He is good looking, but I have met many good looking men in my life and I don't become this obsessive. Maybe I knew how impossible it would be to have him. I need to figure this out myself. QUOTE] Here's a tip: the reason why you are obsessed with him has nothing to with HIM per se. It has to do with you and only you can figure out what that is. 1
Walking away Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 Read a few posts from the betrayed spouses. That should give you a healthy dose of reality. It is working for me.
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 Hi every one! I really miss being here, so I've been lurking in the background, just reading other people's stories. Surprisingly, I am feeling sooo much BETTER today! I am also warmer toward my H. I have come to see my OM with a clearer lens now... in his humanly form (instead of his angelic form). I just found out that he is having another fight with his W and she went to live with her parents (40 minutes drive). Somehow, picturing them fighting makes him more "real", and "average" to me. I must sound twisted and full of vile. (I do not take delight or comfort in knowing that they are fighting - in fact, I feel bad for them - I was praying in my heart all day today that they would find their love for each other again.) I was asking myself if I'd want him if he divorced his W. For the first time, I was not certain that I'd want that. (So that's a good indication that I am healing, right?) If he were single... all the magical allure about him would vanish! I don't want to be in the position to choose him over my family... especially if he did it for ME. So I've come to the conclusion, that I'd like us to remain as platonic friends. As I have been on LS for a while now, I am coming to terms that this obsession of mine is an indication of MY problems, rather than having met my "soul mate". He was perfect as a guest, but how is he when he is at home with his wife? Would he act like my H, not loving, not caring? I am a very naive person, still am, despite all this heartbreak. But I will protect my heart against future "handsome" men. My husband is not all bad, I just need to ... expect less, want less, need less, care less.... A little love is all a marriage needs, really. Grand love doesn't last forever... obviously.
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