brokenherted Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 Hi Everyone I've known my wife about 6 years. We got married 18 months ago. We've had a few problems during the last year. I have frequently brought things up to be discussed but she hasnt. Anyway last week I discover what I thought was final proof of an affair with a work colleage of her's. Bank statements showing hotel rooms on nights she said she was staying with a (female) friend or working late, and emails from him to her stating his love and stuff like that. I confronted her. She admits to kissing him but not sex. She says she was in the hotel rooms on her own trying to get some space from me (and my never ending attempts to discuss what is wrong with our marriage). She agreed to never see him again and I heard her make the phone call to tell him "We can't be friends". To be honest though in many ways I made her make the call so can I trust it ? She starts a new job tommorrow so she won't really have any cause to see him again anyway. We attempted a short holiday but didnt get on very well for various reasons. Tried to talk everything over with her but she is not very communicative. I have told her how much I love her and that I want us to work things out and have a wonderfull future together. The only thing she says back is that "she doesnt know what she wants anymore." I've read a lot so far this year about marriage and relationships and I can see how both of us were not really meeting each other's emotional needs for a while. I can forgive this "nearly an affair" - an emotional affair perhaps I should call it. I have told her that. The thing that is getting to me though is in the grand scheme of marriage we have only just got married. She can not really have had the same concept of commitment as me if as soon as we run into a few problems (not meeting each others' needs) she "runs" to someone else rather than talking to me and trying to sort out what's wrong. The other thing that bothers me is that she acts like she has done no wrong. I may be guilty of ignoring her but that does not justify kissing someone else. They may not have had sex but she still been lying to me about where she was and about him. She may still be lying to me.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Hello! I am sorry to say that, most likely, she is *lying* to you. Her feelings for the other man (OM) is extremely addictive. I am constantly thinking of my OM and I want to end my marriage with my husband.... I am a mess. But I want you to be emotionally prepared that she will not change her feelings toward the OM just because she was discovered or that she said that she wanted to work on the marriage. This is just the beginning of a roller-coaster of emotions. Start marriage counseling right away. Also, check out marriagebuilders.com for some really great advice on handling an affair. Keep posting. Best wishes to you.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 You've only got 18 months invested in the marriage, and you didn't mention children, so I'm assuming you don't have a family to consider. You're free to walk if you like. If it were me....I believe I'd spend some time considering that. There's a couple of different things that could be at work here. Maybe your wife is still a bit immature, and doesn't share your view of what a marriage should be, or what level of effort and responsibility she should be bringing into it. If she's young and inexperienced, it's entirely possible that she'll eventually mature and become a wonderful, loving partner. On the other hand, it's equally possible that your wife will NEVER change her views, and she'll just continue to yank you around for another 10-15 years...until you've had enough and eventually divorce her. Unfortunately by that time you'll likely be dealing with childcare issues, support and visitation schedules. You know her personality and your situation best. If you aren't afraid of losing her....I think you can afford to show her a bit of Intolerance in regards to cheating. If you're up for accepting the consequences either way it goes...and ONLY if you can really live with it either way....then 'cowboy up' and give her the ultimatum. "You're in...or you're out. Your choice. But I'm not here for half-measures.' If she decides to stay, she'll still pout about it for awhile. But if she's compliant in 'No Contact', and negotiating with you in repairing the marriage, then you can afford to be loving and supportive while she goes through the withdrawal phase following the EA. This would be the time to concentrate on identifying and meeting ENs (emotional needs). You'll need to 'put your money where your mouth is' if she decides to stay in it. You'll want to prove to her that she made the right choice. You can certainly work on meeting her ENs and 'luring' her away from the EA now, but I get the feeling, based on the brevity of your marriage....you're wanting proof of her committment. The ultimatum scenario can provide that. Just remember that it's a 50/50 proposition, and it can go either way.
Brianschick Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 I have to agree with Knowhowlovefeels on this. Unfortunaly your wife most likely is not telling you the whole story. If she is telling you flat out that she doesn't know what she wants...she probably does not deserve you. It sounds like you really love her but why waste time and energy on someone who is not as committed to the marriage as you?
Bryanp Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 I am sorry but she is lying to you. You see emails of the OM professing his love to her. You catch her spending nights at a hotel while she tells you she is staying with a girlfriend. Be serious. What woman would book a hotel by herself just to think and meanwhile have a boyfriend on the side telling her how much he loves her. You bet she has been screwing around on you. You have been married only a year and a half and she does this and tells you she was only kissing him? I am sorry but you are being played and would be a fool to believe anything she says. Clearly her wedding vows after 18 months means nothing to her and meanwhile she is still lying to you. This is certainly not a person to have children with and be married to. The bottom line is that she has very little respect for you. Don't waste you love on someone who has such a broken moral compass. You married a liar and a cheat. Don't you think you deserve better than this?
THX2000 Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Hi Everyone I've known my wife about 6 years. We got married 18 months ago. We've had a few problems during the last year. I have frequently brought things up to be discussed but she hasnt. Anyway last week I discover what I thought was final proof of an affair with a work colleage of her's. Bank statements showing hotel rooms on nights she said she was staying with a (female) friend or working late, and emails from him to her stating his love and stuff like that. I confronted her. She admits to kissing him but not sex. She says she was in the hotel rooms on her own trying to get some space from me (and my never ending attempts to discuss what is wrong with our marriage). She agreed to never see him again and I heard her make the phone call to tell him "We can't be friends". To be honest though in many ways I made her make the call so can I trust it ? She starts a new job tommorrow so she won't really have any cause to see him again anyway. We attempted a short holiday but didnt get on very well for various reasons. Tried to talk everything over with her but she is not very communicative. I have told her how much I love her and that I want us to work things out and have a wonderfull future together. The only thing she says back is that "she doesnt know what she wants anymore." I've read a lot so far this year about marriage and relationships and I can see how both of us were not really meeting each other's emotional needs for a while. I can forgive this "nearly an affair" - an emotional affair perhaps I should call it. I have told her that. The thing that is getting to me though is in the grand scheme of marriage we have only just got married. She can not really have had the same concept of commitment as me if as soon as we run into a few problems (not meeting each others' needs) she "runs" to someone else rather than talking to me and trying to sort out what's wrong. The other thing that bothers me is that she acts like she has done no wrong. I may be guilty of ignoring her but that does not justify kissing someone else. They may not have had sex but she still been lying to me about where she was and about him. She may still be lying to me. I am so sorry about your situation. Unfortunately I think your wife has probably cheated on you. When I discovered that my long term gf was on a "school related" trip and it turned out she was with another man she lied and told me the same crap you are getting. I then found proof on my computer that she was sleeping with him and she still denied it. She finally admitted to having sex with him "twice". That was also a lie and the affair had actually been going on for six months. I hate to tell you this but she is lying IMHO and will continue to lie unless forced to admit the truth. Be prepared to be blamed for this as well. Cheaters have a habit of making you the bad guy as a coping mechanism because if you are the bad guy then what they have done isn't as awful.
Tiny Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 I am so sorry about your situation. Unfortunately I think your wife has probably cheated on you. When I discovered that my long term gf was on a "school related" trip and it turned out she was with another man she lied and told me the same crap you are getting. I then found proof on my computer that she was sleeping with him and she still denied it. She finally admitted to having sex with him "twice". That was also a lie and the affair had actually been going on for six months. I hate to tell you this but she is lying IMHO and will continue to lie unless forced to admit the truth. Be prepared to be blamed for this as well. Cheaters have a habit of making you the bad guy as a coping mechanism because if you are the bad guy then what they have done isn't as awful. This happened almost exactly the same way to me, and tbh your dead right, lies, lies, lies, even when faced with proof. Then they'll admit a little, then lie some more
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