Recreational drug use :(

[OdenallPi]

My 18-year old girlfriend of four months uses marijuana regularly (usually about twice a week) and has extensive experience with magic mushrooms, opium and has even had an encounter with cocaine. She says that she isn't interested in doing any of the other drugs, but marijuana is something that she enjoys and will not give up. This has become an issue between us and though I love her, I've started to associate her more with feelings of anger than anything else.

 

A little about me: I am 22 years old and I used to be HEAVILY into marijuana. I started dating a girl who didn't like my habit. She also happened to be a cutter, and it always broke my heart to see fresh cuts on her arms, so I made a pact with her. She wouldn't cut herself, and I wouldn't smoke pot anymore. We've since broken up and though I know she has gone back to her old ways, I haven't touched the stuff in four years. I don't believe in using it anymore.

 

My new girlfriend, M, has been smoking for years unbeknownst to her parents. Her friends cling to the "stoner culture", and most of her personal anecdotes begin with, "This one time, I was SO ****ed up..."

 

Thinking about M smoking up makes me feel physically ill. Maybe it's because I am trying so hard to make it on my own now, without the use of substances. Maybe it's because it makes her seem as though she's living in a different world from me. Either way, it makes me not want to touch her or even see her, and I become very defensive. It hurts me when I smell it on her clothes, or in her car, or I see her bloodshot eyes. I get paranoid, and every time M says that she is hungry, I assume that she has the munchies. Whenever I'm away from her and I wonder what she is up to, the first thing that pops into my head is her getting stoned in her car with her friends. The way I feel about it is putting a lot of distance between us.

 

M knows how much it hurts me, but she says she won't change for me, and that if she did stop using it, she would only resent me for taking away "the one thing that clears her mind" and helps her deal with her problems. We've spent hours talking about it, and I am at a loss. We don't want to break up, because we love each other.

 

What can we do?

[TeaCooler]

i don't have a problem with pot-smokers.

 

but this doesn't sound recreational...it sounds like her lifestyle. her friends, her life, her hobbies seem to be surrounded around this drug.

 

that's not smart. it's one thing to hang out and smoke once in a while, or even often if you can function, but if she's still in that "man, i was so *ucked up this one time" stage, she has a lot of growing up and prioritizing to do.

[whichwayisup]

Either you have to accept her pot smoking or somehow get her not to do it when you two are together, or break up with her. Maybe if she spends time away from you she'll realize pot isn't as important as you are.

 

I know you two love eachother but she has to slow it down and stop. It's not good for her, and eventually it will affect everything in her life. If she is defensive about it all, it's becoming a problem.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

ShaneITR, i have sort of the same problem as you. My boyfriend is a recreational drug user (but is TC pointed out, with your girlfriend, this isn't merely "recreation"), and I'm not crazy about it either. I know he's young though, and he wants to get the most of his youth or whatever other silly things, so all I ask is that he acknowledge that it's unhealthy--and he does. He says he'll stop by the time we're engaged/living together and he's ready to "grow up," so for now, I endure it.

 

Ask your girlfriend if she ever plans to change. Ask her if she even realizes the dangers/health risks of marijuana. Ask her if she'll ever grow up (though you'll probably phrase it more nicely than that). If she doesn't plan to, it's either you giving in and being unhappy, or you getting out.

[OdenallPi]

TeaCooler - It IS her lifestyle, and I know she's also concerned that her friends will give her a hard time if she doesn't smoke with them. She seems very happy with this lifestyle and she says that she isn't ready to face the real world with me, which makes me feel that even though we are together, I am facing it alone.

 

whichwayisup - M is pretty respectful of my beliefs. There has only been one instance during which she showed up and tried to hang out with me after just having smoked (I was so angry that I stormed off and almost ending up breaking up with her for her apparent lack of respect of my feelings). When I met her, she would constantly talk about how wonderful and relaxing it was to smoke. It seemed like every moment could be improved with pot. Now, she is a lot more cautious about what she says around me, and she tends not to seek me out immediately after smoking. Still, I refuse to go into her car because I know what it will smell like, and sometimes I still faintly smell it on her. There are also times when she has to tell me about doing it for the sake of putting something else in context.

 

I Luv the Chariot - Firstly, while I am sorry to hear that someone else is in a similar situation, it feels good to know that I am not the only one. It's good that your boyfriend has expressed to you that he will quit. M has not. She is younger than I am, and we haven't been dating for that long, so I try not to talk to her about the idea of settling down or anything like that (though if I thought I could NEVER settle down with her, we wouldn't be together). She likes what smoking pot does to her, and she actually attributes a lot of her personality to her drug use. She also says that she doesn't have any other way to cope with the problems in her life. While she has never said that it is something she wants to do for the rest of her life, she has also told me that there is no end in sight and that she wishes I would just learn how to deal with it because she is NOT going to stop. I keep telling myself that it's a phase, but she glorifies middle-aged potheads so much that I honestly don't know if she will ever stop.