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Weddings: Private matter or social obligation?


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Posted

I’ve never wanted a big wedding – not only do I regard being the centre of attention like that as the worst kind of nightmare, but I can think of dozens of better ways to spend the money. Also, we've been living together for years, so it all seems a little silly to dress in white and have a big do about our decision to live together some more. So, the fiancé and I have decided on a simple do, preferably at the registry office or on holiday somewhere (we need to check the legality of this elopment thing).

 

Problem is, I have mentioned this to a couple of friends, and all have been disappointed. The majority said nothing much. However, some wondered why I don’t want to spend my "special day" with my friends. Others made vaguely passive-aggressive comments about how they’d survived the expense to put on a good party.

 

Right. Okay.

 

I don’t know whether this is enough to change my mind. Even if it does, I won’t be offering anything more than a rent-a-roast in the park (but, wow, is it expensive to get a celebrant to come to you!) or a night at a restaurant with us decidedly not telling them its for a wedding. However, despite how it sounds, I do love many of my friends and I don’t want to offend them or give them the impression I don’t want them around. That they would feel this way is something that had never occurred to me, and now I wonder how those who haven’t said anything (my closest friends) really feel.

 

And so I ask for frank opinions from folks I don’t know: would you be offended if good friends of yours had a private wedding and didn’t invite you , or indeed anyone (other then very close family or the requisite witnesses)? Would you still feel the same way if you had invited them to your wedding? Do you think weddings are about more than just the couple getting married? Am I really, as seems to be being alleged, undermining the social fabric of society (not to mention my social sets' social calendar!) in order to save a few bucks?

Posted

...would you be offended if good friends of yours had a private wedding and didn’t invite you , or indeed anyone (other then very close family or the requisite witnesses)?

 

No.

 

Would you still feel the same way if you had invited them to your wedding?

 

Yes.

 

Do you think weddings are about more than just the couple getting married?

 

Yes and no.

 

-----------------------

 

It is your wedding. What you & your fiancé want for it should be paramount.

 

You may be guilty of denying your friends a good excuse to throw a party, but if they are real friends they'll understand & respect your wishes.

Posted

A big wedding is for family and friends.

 

Who do you wish or need to please?

 

For the record, my wife and I eloped. We caught some flack from friends and family but now, nine + years later, nobody remembers (except us) and no one but us cares. It took! We're still married. Total cost? About $200.

Posted

]And so I ask for frank opinions from folks I don’t know:

 

would you be offended if good friends of yours had a private wedding and didn’t invite you , or indeed anyone (other then very close family or the requisite witnesses)?

 

 

No. One of my good friends got married to her husband in Vegas. They were so broke at the time they used to route through their sofa cushions for enough change to buy milk. Why should I be upset that they chose not to spend money on a huge wedding?

 

 

Would you still feel the same way if you had invited them to your wedding?

 

I never had a wedding. But we've thrown big parties where we've spent hundreds of dollars on food, beverages and accroutrements. If friends of ours can't afford to do that, we'd never hold it against them.

 

Do you think weddings are about more than just the couple getting married?

 

Well, yes and no. Weddings are about people becoming family. But you can celebrate 'family' in many ways that don't involve ice-carvings, champagne fountains and bouquets.

 

 

 

Am I really, as seems to be being alleged, undermining the social fabric of society (not to mention my social sets' social calendar!) in order to save a few bucks?

 

 

You're not serious?

 

Society is not about to rip apart at the seams because some people prefer small, intimate gatherings. I think it would do society good for people to re-focus on what really matters in life; friendship, love, genuine feeling, communication, connectedness, creativity, wise financial management, judicious decision-making and following one's own heart.

 

I'm sorry people are giving you such a hard time about this.

 

I'd plan whatever kind of wedding suits you. Some friends of ours recently had an outdoor wedding in their backyard.

 

The bride didn't even wear a wedding dress; she had on a pretty slip dress she borrowed from a friend. Their family made all the food and it was delicious. Each table had a handmade bouquet from flowers in their garden.

 

It was lovely!

 

The ceremony was heartfelt. The music was jumping (they just dragged their stereo equipment outside and let the guests pick CD's to throw on!)

They got really creative and even put their pool table outside, which was a riot.

 

It was the best wedding I'd been to in a long time. Pomp and circumstance is really boring for a lot of people and....believe it or not....a lot of people actually dread weddings.

Posted

i wanted to tell you that you arent alone in wanting to keep things simple . myself , i hate being center of attention.

 

my first marriage didnt work out, however we had a nice little trip to the court house which was spur of the moment for us and no one was invited. we were already living together (common law married )and had very small baby children. it wasnt a big to do. it was inexpensive and just about us.

 

 

i am now planning to do it all again with someone else a decade later. this time we are having a small church wedding with 50 guests tops.

my children are old enough now to understand weddings and need to be there and be a part of it so they can cherish the memories and feel that the marriage is very real. we are doing a sand ceremony with the kids and then my groom is going to promise to be their step father forever and everything .

Posted

I think these people are being selfish for some reason or another. Like you, I dont want a big production wedding either, and the thought of planning a wedding sounds awful to me. Especially when you factor in the part where EVERYone thinks they can tell you what you should/shouldnt do....UGH, can you just imagine how horrible that would be with the people YOURE talking about?!?!?!?

 

I was married before, for a very short time, and didnt really plan much of it, but the thought of another "wedding ceremony" sounds so boring and unattractive to me. I'd much rather go somewhere by ourselves and do it.

 

I say, dont ask anyone else what they think. Theyre making you doubt yourself. Plus, how many of these people will you still associate with in 10-15 years, and how many people will really focus on your decision for the rest of their lives?! You and your future husband need to decide this for yourselves, and just go do it. You can tell everyone about it after its already done.

Posted

would you be offended if good friends of yours had a private wedding and didn’t invite you , or indeed anyone (other then very close family or the requisite witnesses)?

 

Not at all.

 

Would you still feel the same way if you had invited them to your wedding?

 

I'm not a marriage person, but yes. Nobody owes someone a party.

 

Do you think weddings are about more than just the couple getting married?

 

Sometimes they are, sometimes they're not. If it were me I'd rather have a private elopement and vacation in another country than a huge @ss shindig. But some people want to share their vows with family and friends. To each their own.

 

It's your day to do with what you want. If you want privacy, have it. Good friends will be happy for you regardless.

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