NYCA Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Ok so timing stikes yet again. It always seems to happen to me and a lot of other girls I know where a guy starts dating you and is really into you and then all of a sudden, he just realizes that his life is "too unorganized" and that he can't date you anymore. Now I can understand feeling this way BUT what I DON'T UNDERSTAND is why you guys decide that you'd rather not discuss why you can't talk about it and so instead you just do the disappearing act. This happened to me as of late. I was dating a guy, things were going well and then he told me that he needed some space, sorry he TEXTED me that he needed space. He said that he wanted to talk about things when we both had time and well, it's been a couple of days and I haven't heard a peep out of him. I just don't get it, he said it a couple of times WITHOUT MY PROMPTING that he wanted to talk about the needing space even though I said I knew what I need space means. He said he was going to call me and talk to me about it on Thursday and as to be expected as he has been doing for the past week, he said he would call and hasn't. To get the whole story of what happened, you can read the thread "he's depressed or not interested in me anymore, I'm getting mixed signals." I just wanted to know from the guys out there why a lot of guys are so adamant about talking about things and then seem to chicken out and disappear? I know that the disappearing is probably for the best so that you don't have to hear the worst but it always seems like there is never a conclusion to things when they are ended this way. I have not emailed, texted or called him because I've already done my part, I've done the chasing all week, if he really wanted to, he would call me. But I guess he's not interested anymore so the only thing to do is move on.
riobikini Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I'm dealing with that same sorry, whiney-ass, flimsy excuse, (I don't know what I want, I need time to 'find' myself, etc.) -so I'm anxious to hear some posts on this subject, myself. Curious. -Rio
salmagundi Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I can honestly admit that I have lost feelings for girls many times at the drop of a hat. I dont know if I can speak for all guys but in my case, I can pinpoint the exact moment I get infatuated with a woman and the exact momentwhen I know she's not it. The first time its like a valve opens and floods my head with chemicals and I know "I want her". Then when I get her and decide that who she actually is has less and less to do with my infatuated fantasies of her as a person its like another valve opens and all the chemicals drain out and at that precise moment I start looking to disengage. Its weird, but there you are. This always happens within the first few months. It takes a while for guys to decide that they really have it bad for someone and once we do, we're f##cked. At least I am. Truth is, in any relationship I've had that lasted less than say, 3-4 months, I'm almost always the dumper. But any relationship that crosses the six month mark...well...I've always been the dumped. Hmm... So basically, men (I think) make up their minds about a woman in the first few months. If they're not that into you, they try to get out early. IF you keep a guy around longer than that, however, he's yours. Hope that sheds some light, anyway, salmagundi
Author NYCA Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 Thanks for your response salmagundi. You did shed some light on things but I was MORE curious to hear about why a guy would be so adamant about talking about things but then just disappears? I understand how someone can lose interest but I was wanting to know about the whole "my life is awry and I am trying to piece it all together" routine that guys give as well. Or is that also an excuse/code for "I don't like you anymore" EVEN if the guy was to go into detail about why his life is unorganized and why he is unhappy?
justagirl1121 Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 yeah that's happened to me too. i made a good friend, i was interested, he semeed interested...eventually we went on a date and stuff and then after he puts moves on me he tells me he's not interested in any type of relationship and now he's not talking to me. so screw him!!!
loony Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Thanks for your response salmagundi. You did shed some light on things but I was MORE curious to hear about why a guy would be so adamant about talking about things but then just disappears? I understand how someone can lose interest but I was wanting to know about the whole "my life is awry and I am trying to piece it all together" routine that guys give as well. Or is that also an excuse/code for "I don't like you anymore" EVEN if the guy was to go into detail about why his life is unorganized and why he is unhappy? It's an excuse. Let's be honest, isn't it the same when a woman gives out her number, the guy calls and she tells him, "I will call you back" and never does? He knows he should talk with you, but actually he just doesn't know what to say, so he avoids you and hopes you will get the hint and move on without him having to talk about his feelings with you. If you want a talk, you will have to nail him down. If you want to leave with the possibility of him missing you and thinking of you as someone he respects, I'd suggest that you go to the place where he lives and have a talk with him. Even if you don't want him anymore, because he's just a stupid little coward, at least your mature behavior will let him know that you're pretty cool and he is not and he will start missing you when he can't have you. At least that's my theory.
alphamale Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 but it always seems like there is never a conclusion to things when they are ended this way. maybe its better you don't hear the real reason why....this way your mind can write its own ending...
loony Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 maybe its better you don't hear the real reason why....this way your mind can write its own ending... Oh well, enough with all this soul searching. He's a freaking a**h***, simple as it is.
alphamale Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Oh well, enough with all this soul searching. He's a freaking a**h***, simple as it is. i would not go that far. he is afraid of confrontation, like most people (of either sex)
loony Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 i would not go that far. he is afraid of confrontation, like most people (of either sex) Are you rejecting my personal version of the ending and its reasons? Ok, seriously, I think when you enter a relationship you accept responsibility for your partner and that also includes a sincere talk at the end, if not, you are a freaking a**h***.
alphamale Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Ok, seriously, I think when you enter a relationship you accept responsibility for your partner and that also includes a sincere talk at the end, if not, you are a freaking a**h***. hey looney, i've ended many relationships just by splitting and not ending it and for me it was the easiest way, the "path of least resistance", shall we say. Personally I see nothing wrong with it at all. If the bytch does not deserve closure and an "ending" from my end then she don't get one. if she does deserve it then she gets it.
lindya Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 hey looney, i've ended many relationships just by splitting and not ending it and for me it was the easiest way, the "path of least resistance", shall we say. Personally I see nothing wrong with it at all. If the bytch does not deserve closure and an "ending" from my end then she don't get one. if she does deserve it then she gets it. Right loony. You take port, I'll take starboard. It's about time to start that spinning process.
Lishy Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 The bytch? Alpha I am so glad we live in different countries cos there is no chance I will bump into you! Thank heavens for little mercy's!
loony Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 hey looney, i've ended many relationships just by splitting and not ending it and for me it was the easiest way, the "path of least resistance", shall we say. Personally I see nothing wrong with it at all. If the bytch does not deserve closure and an "ending" from my end then she don't get one. if she does deserve it then she gets it. I guess unless your ex-partner has done something really hideous they deserve closure. This is called respect and I'm sure the downfall of your nation that you have so often criticized can be traced right back to a widespread lack of respect for other people.
cygny Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I confess to having ending relationships by not explaining anything, or maybe saying the minimum if confronted. Mostly because it was a case of having nothing to explain--it's usuallly not a matter of reasons but of complex emotions, and anything I said would only lead to other questions and arguments---but depends on the depth and longevity of the relationship--if someone i had been seeing for months, some sort of short bit for closure would seem appropriate. why he insisted on having something to say is hard to say--perhaps it was his wimpy way of 'softening' his news. not a very sophisticated fellow. maybe he wanted to leave you hanging, so that you would 'wonder', just like you are doing...lol.
newbby Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 its probably just because people like to end things as nicely as they possibly can. he probably thought he owed you "the talk" but when it came down to it, he didnt want to have to do it or couldnt see a way to explain it. i have had men just not say anything at all, or be vague about it too, its annoying. personally i prefer that someone be as blunt as possible with me, without insulting me. i always end things that way and if people ask for an explanation i say "whats the point?", because, as cygny says its impossible to explain, and why would anybody want to be insulted.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I hate the "I'm so busy with work demands and other stuff, I don't have the time or energy for a relationship" excuse. What that tells me is that if he has to cut something out of his life, it's going to be me. f***er.
Author NYCA Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 So I just picked up the phone and called him and told him in the nicest way possible via voicemail because I thought he was avoiding my call. I didn't realize it but in the midst of my message, he sent me a text saying that he was looking forward to talking with me about my new job and everything and that he was sorry he didn't disappear, he was just caught up in work. Well anyway we talked about things and turns out he really DOES need to just sort things out he said several times, I do want to see you and that we should do something next week if possible. I of course, the typical girl that I am, needed the reassurance that that was the truth and he told me it was. So basically we just came to the conclusion that both of us have a lot going on in our own lives and that we will continue to see each other but just not going to be a regular dating pattern until things are sorted out. So I guess what I need to do is just do my thing and let him do his. Just let things be. Thanks for all your responses they DEFINITELY helped. EVEN Alpha's!
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 NYCA, I'd be VERY skeptical if I were you. This is exactly what my ex did and said to me (several times) before he eventually dumped me on the phone.
Author NYCA Posted February 5, 2006 Author Posted February 5, 2006 Don't worry jen_jen_heartbroken, I'm being smart about it. I am not dumb enough to think "eveything is ALLLLLLLLL better!" No way. Like I said, I'm in no rush to have a committed relationship RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND. I'm happy with just seeing how things go. But at the same time, if I see that it is going NO WHERE after a couple of months (we've only known each other for a month afterall), I won't waste my time either. Caution is key here.
latefragment Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 i hate it when guys do the slow fadeout. i hate hate hate hate hate hate it. it's painful. why do guys do the enthusiastic "i'm so into you" thing and then suddenly decide they're more into someone else, and then don't bother to tell you and hope you get the hint? i hate that. although after having been dumped a couple times i'm getting better at taking a hint. hate hate hate hate it!!!!
Pyro Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 Ok so timing stikes yet again. It always seems to happen to me and a lot of other girls I know where a guy starts dating you and is really into you and then all of a sudden, he just realizes that his life is "too unorganized" and that he can't date you anymore. Now I can understand feeling this way BUT what I DON'T UNDERSTAND is why you guys decide that you'd rather not discuss why you can't talk about it and so instead you just do the disappearing act. This happened to me as of late. I was dating a guy, things were going well and then he told me that he needed some space, sorry he TEXTED me that he needed space. He said that he wanted to talk about things when we both had time and well, it's been a couple of days and I haven't heard a peep out of him. I just don't get it, he said it a couple of times WITHOUT MY PROMPTING that he wanted to talk about the needing space even though I said I knew what I need space means. He said he was going to call me and talk to me about it on Thursday and as to be expected as he has been doing for the past week, he said he would call and hasn't. To get the whole story of what happened, you can read the thread "he's depressed or not interested in me anymore, I'm getting mixed signals." I just wanted to know from the guys out there why a lot of guys are so adamant about talking about things and then seem to chicken out and disappear? I know that the disappearing is probably for the best so that you don't have to hear the worst but it always seems like there is never a conclusion to things when they are ended this way. I have not emailed, texted or called him because I've already done my part, I've done the chasing all week, if he really wanted to, he would call me. But I guess he's not interested anymore so the only thing to do is move on. I have known plenty of guys and gals that do the "disappearing" act. Some people in general are just too afraid to take up responsibilities for their actions. One of the many problems with society today.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 I have known plenty of guys and gals that do the "disappearing" act. Some people in general are just too afraid to take up responsibilities for their actions. One of the many problems with society today. Agreed. Accountability seems to be lacking in many, if not most, people's character.
jerbear Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 Agreed. Accountability seems to be lacking in many, if not most, people's character. I personally made a date/meeting or whatever and ended it. I don't know how to say this but it is VERY SIMILAR to dismissing someone at work. When I was younger, I would do the disappear because I was just not interested or clicked with her. What I dislike are those that keep her around just to have a gf; before dumping her for someone else. For me, those relationships that last after 3 months, tend to be keepers for awhile. These ones under are just "nah". I wouldn't put more time into it.
riobikini Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 I think it is simply a matter of character, -either a mature and responsible one , or an immature, irresponsible one. -Rio
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