Raiatea Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I somehow think I am abnormal...(please, no comments agreeing with this ) My boyfriend an I have a happy relationship, but every couple of days or so we argue. And I don't mean about serious stuff like mortgages, life insurance or careers of future offspring. We argue about potatoes. Jeans. Chocolate. And last night we argued about weather. They are not huge arguments, mostly just talking and trying to understand each others opinions (with a bt of door slamming thrown in by me occasionally), but I get upset. We are both very sensitive people, and it is easy for both of us to become offended. We always make up, and even though our arguments never get personal, we know that our relationship won't come to an end because we have a difference of opinion about whether chips are better than mashed. Am I being stupid or does everyone have these disagreements sometimes???
unimoko Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Honey, there is nothing wrong a little argument in a relationship. I remember I fought with my ex for him leaving his shoes near the door. With fights it really depends on the severity and/or frequency. If he is accusing you of cheating and calling you a whore every week then I think that is a problem. Is it everday stuff...again it depends on if you are arguing about the same issues. In the end I think it depends on the relationship. Btw how old are you and your honey, and how long have you been living together?
Outcast Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Of course they do, but some people argue about stupid things because they have to be 'right' all the time or because they can't accept that their partners are different human beings. If your arguments are about one or the other of you trying to change the partner to be just like themselves, then this is indeed trouble and the person who's trying to take control has to lighten up.
Author Raiatea Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 Unimoko, thanks for replying. I am 27, he is 32 and we have been living together for 3 months since I relocated to Florida from England. Its not like the arguments we have are damaging - he never says anything bad about me, it is never more than trying to agree on a compromise (but I do take things personally and blow things out of all proportion sometimes). Our arguments - which never involve raised voices - I suppose couldn't even be called arguments, more like serious talks. He says he trusts me, loves me more every day and we are planning to get married in the future. But I can't help reacting angrily to things he says sometimes. We've both been in long relationships previously, and in my experience there was nothing like these arguments with my ex (but then he would just go along with everything I said, so there were problems there early on too). How did your ex react when you fought with him about his shoes? Did you manage to resolve your conflict? I just want to know whether it is possible to have a future with someone when every few days we seem to have minor disagreements. Outcast - thanks for your response and your comments. It is true that sometimes I feel that my boyfriend likes to be in control, and likes things done his own way. But he has never lived with anyone before (whereas I have, for many years) so I suppose he is still adjusting to life with an eccentric englishwoman. We do try to compromise on all the things that we argue about, and we always solve our problems in the end. And its not like he is trying to change me, just come to some agreement so we can move on with our relationship. Thanks, both of you
Outcast Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 But I can't help reacting angrily to things he says sometimes Actually, you can. Get yourself some books by Albert Ellis. He's the pioneer of Rational-Emotive Behaviour Therapy and he explains how we can indeed change our ways of reacting and thinking. It's worth it, trust me.
Author Raiatea Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 Thanks for that advice, I will get some of his books
unimoko Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Well, my ex proably still leaves his shoes at the door Thanks for filling in some of the puzzle. I think that maybe you still adjusting to this living situation. Plus as you said he has not lived with a woman previously. But I also have a feeling that there is more to the story... I do not imply anything with this statement but do you have alternative living arragments? I do not say that you and your honey won't make it, but I also want to know if you know what to do in the event your relationship may end.
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Yes, all couples argue, even if the relationship is good. What you have to think about though is, why are you two arguing? Is it to make a point? To show who is right and who is wrong? If so, that is about ego and ego only. And that translates into someone "has" to be the winner and the other person is the loser...That isn't good for the relationship. If the arguing is over silly stuff and it's just out of irritation - That to me is healthier. Noone is happy and nice all the time! Being with the spouse, living with them, things are bound to get on your nerves! I know my H drives me insane at times but I know it's MY reaction to him, my mood or whatever. He isn't doing something to purposely piss me off...(I hope!) hehe... Try not to be offended. Try to put yourselves in eachothers shoes while arguing and see if it really is worth arguing about. Most of the time it's just draining. You both could be doing better things together, laughing having fun, having sex! Also, remember just because you two live together doesn't mean each of you have to entertain eachother. DO not rely on him to make you happy 24/7. That has to happen within and each of you still should have things ya like to do on your own. In and out of the house...
Israfil Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I agree with the above posters. This is merely a reporting of 2 observed relationships: My bf's parents have had about 2 arguments in their entire marriage of 27 years or so. My parents have had fights (not mere arguments) every single day of their marriage.
Author Raiatea Posted February 5, 2006 Author Posted February 5, 2006 Thanks for all your replies and advice....even so, it wasn't enough to stop one hell of a fight last night. He said some stuff to me which he meant as a joke (well he told me that an hour after I has almost booked a flight home), I took it seriously enough to end the relationship. To cut a long story short, he eventually apologised and said that I take things too personally. We sort of made up, but I am still hurt by his behaviour. He admits that his behaviour was wrong, and has said that he would never say anthing like that again (he asked if he could have sex with another woman as I was unresponsive to him last night). Am I supposed to believe that this was a joke? Am I wrong in taking this seriously? We finished arguing at 5am this morning and he admits that he said the things he did to provoke me and (in his words) "get you to change your mind and maybe have sex with me". Like upsetting me is an aphrodisiac! Because I actually ended things with him (but he wouldn't take no for an answer) that means that I would have to book a flight home to England and move in with my sister and her 2 kids. I wonder if I'm only staying with him to have somewhere to live sometimes.... At least he admitted that he was wrong, and to be fair to him, he had a stressful day anyway. He often does things to provoke me to be upset with him. Anyone with any idea on why a man would do this???
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 I don't think you can ever get to know someone completely without arguing with them. There are so many aspects of a person that aren't visible until that sort of situation, and lacking it, you could go through a relationship never knowing so many small, intricate parts of your partner. Really, I don't think you can have a healthy relationship without arguing.
TeaCooler Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 I don't think you can ever get to know someone completely without arguing with them. There are so many aspects of a person that aren't visible until that sort of situation, and lacking it, you could go through a relationship never knowing so many small, intricate parts of your partner. Really, I don't think you can have a healthy relationship without arguing. i could not have said this better myself. awesome.
Author Raiatea Posted February 5, 2006 Author Posted February 5, 2006 Am I just being too sensitive about things? I love this guy and want a future with him (ok so I was impulsive when I almost booked a flight home - I doubt I would have gone) but I know I am insecure and have trouble with trust and jealousy. He is always telling me to "just relax". Good advice, although hard to put into practice! Any advice??
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 Raiatea, it's not fair for him to say you're too sensitive. If he already knows this aspect of you, he should accomodate it, not take advantage of it then scold you for it afterward.
TeaCooler Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 Raiatea, it's not fair for him to say you're too sensitive. If he already knows this aspect of you, he should accomodate it, not take advantage of it then scold you for it afterward. i'm with chariot. it's one thing to be too sensitive if he teases you about something stupid, but talking about screwing someone else? no.
Outcast Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 He admits that his behaviour was wrong, and has said that he would never say anthing like that again (he asked if he could have sex with another woman as I was unresponsive to him last night). Am I supposed to believe that this was a joke? Am I wrong in taking this seriously? We finished arguing at 5am this morning and he admits that he said the things he did to provoke me and (in his words) "get you to change your mind and maybe have sex with me". Like upsetting me is an aphrodisiac! I don't agree with the others. Yes, you are taking it too seriously. He was probably being sarcastic to make a point. This is what getting to know each other is about - don't assume that everything the person you love does or says is meant to hurt you since THEY CARE ABOUT YOU!!! If you think that badly of him, then you don't care that much, IMHO. You first give someone the benefit of the doubt. Then before you accuse and get yourself into a lather, you ask what the person means by that. Yes, some people have sort of odd ideas of what's funny or silly. And some people say absurd things precisely because they are absurd and they know that you know it and so you're supposed to not take it seriously. You have to understand that you are two entirely different people with different ways of interacting and that's what the early stages of a relationship are about. Had you asked before you moved, I would have suggested that living together is too much pressure and that you should have taken separate residences and 'dated' precisely to get to know each other's ways. I'd hate to live with someone who is 'too sensitive', personally. I've done the 'walking on eggshells' thing and it sucks. I think you need to work on quitting being so sensitive because 'sensitive' people live a lot of their lives upset (usually over things which turn out to be nothing) and that's not a fun life at all.
TeaCooler Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 I'd hate to live with someone who is 'too sensitive', personally. I've done the 'walking on eggshells' thing and it sucks. I think you need to work on quitting being so sensitive because 'sensitive' people live a lot of their lives upset (usually over things which turn out to be nothing) and that's not a fun life at all. i agree with this too.
Groovy Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 My BF and I have dated 1 month but we've been friends a while. We argue a lot and I asked him last night if he thought he was argumentative and he said yes, I said me too:p ! And that's why we will have a lot of arguing. He is very sensitive (too much) and I tend to be the opposite where things that seem like a big deal I don't give much thought on. It does suck to walk on eggshells around sensitive people. But I dated a guy for a year who agreed with everything just to avoid conflict. That was a waste of time and in my eyes sabotaged the relationship. Agreeing to avoid things is no way to communicate and brings relationships nowhere. At least when people argue feelings and ideas are being put out there, which in the long run is important even though it may be hard at times. It would be nice if things were always done diplomatically but that's easier said than done, especially for some people. At least with arguing though it is being done in some fashion.
Author Raiatea Posted February 6, 2006 Author Posted February 6, 2006 Thanks for all your replies. I know that I am far too sensitive to stuff, and do take things personally. I know that when I am worried or upset it hurts him too, but I am trying desperately to snap out of it. I know that the more I stress out over the important things, the more I jeapordise my chances with him. We are both different races too, which in some circumstances can put additional pressure on us (especially when it comes to sense of humour - I often am totally bemused by what he finds funny, and I know he thinks the same). He is not a bad man, and by far the most caring and loving man I have ever been with. I guess I will just have to shut my mouth in future and stop reacting to everything he says immediately and think before I speak. Groovy, I agree with you that arguing does mean you get to bring things up in conversation which avoiding arguments can't do. I just wish I could stop being so stubborn and just relax!
l2hvn Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Raiatea, I am the same way. I'm very sensitive and take things too seriously sometimes. My bf and I just had a big fight over the weekend and looking back, I wish I never got upset in the first place because it was really really stupid. I tend to blow things out of proportions. It is perfectly normal to argue in a healthy relationship. You guys are two different people and cannot expect to agree on everything. However, if these little things don't get resolved, then that's a problem. One of the biggest things in maintaining a relationship is overcoming the little things.
brokenherted Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 I would say keep on arguing. It's good for you and the relationship. Especially if you kiss and make up after. My uncle and aunt have fought over every little thing all their married lives. They are still together and love each other very much. My mom and dad have never really argued. They are still together and love each other very much. It all depends on what sort of people you are. It's fine and healthy to argue. What is not healthy is like me and my wife. We would "disagree" politely and let the disagreeement simmer inside without saying anything. Problems festerd away and that is one of the reasons we are on the verge of a breakup. There is more to it than that but its irrelevant to your question. Regardless on if it works out with her or someone else I am making a commitment to argue more and say what my feelings are straight away.
Walk Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 I don't think it's as easy as just saying "relax" and stop taking things so personally. He's triggering a response from you. It's not your fault, nor his. But once you realize the triggers, it's your job to change the response. It's incredibly hard to do, and takes constant vigilance. Once you understand what is triggering you, then talk to him about it. I highly doubt you are becoming upset simply because he likes mashed potato's when you like chips, or whatever. So it's maybe his tone, or the way he's phrasing his opinions in a way that leaves you feeling as though your feelings aren't valid, or that he doesn't feel you have a right to an opinion. Here's an example.. guy I was dating would state that I wasn't looking at something right when I told him I was unhappy about a situation at work. The way he said it made me feel like he was telling me I was wrong, and that I had no reason to feel the way I did. I immediately became defensive, got angry, attacked back, and we got into a huge argument. It's the way he would present his views that would make me feel this way. I had to learn how to interpret what he was saying without allowing myself to become defensive. But I first had to understand what was making me defensive, and what I was reacting to. Otherwise, I would continue to react and it would create a bigger conflict then the situation warranted. If you understand what is causing you to react the way you are, then talk to your SO and see if you can find a better way to communicate with each other. If he can rephrase his views so that they leave room for yours, or maybe he would be willing to spend more time listening to your views... I'm not sure of your communication style so it's a little hard to give a suggestion on changing it. If he isn't willing to comprimise, I have one more suggestion. When you start to get angry/upset, take a deep breath, and just tell him "this is making me uncomfortable, and I feel _____ (attacked/devalued/unappreciated/etc)", then follow it with something along the lines of "What are you really trying to say?" Like when he said about the other woman... If you had been able to stop him at that point and explain that he was making you feel worthless, and ask what his point really was, it might've given a different outcome. maybe. Sometimes you need to basically slap someone and let them know their words hurt, and ask them to redefine what they are attempting to say. Because chances are, they aren't saying what they really mean, their speaking from hurt feelings themselves. The important point though, is to get your partner to clarify what he is saying. Either re-phrasing, adding, or whatever. Ask him what he means before getting upset with him, stop him the second you realize you are taking something negatively and ask him to explain the comment more fully. Couples only communicate about 25% of their views and feelings to one another. Do not automatically assume you understand him fully because he made a comment about something. Ask, again and again until you are postive you have as much of the full story as he can give you. That's about the best advice I can give. 1
Author Raiatea Posted February 9, 2006 Author Posted February 9, 2006 That is great advice, I find myself reacting to almost everything he says in an angry way. I will try to stop and think before I speak, during an argument, instead of immediately becoming devastated that he thinks so little of me (which I know that he doesnt). I often think being single would be easier (but then I would have to do my own ironing!) Thanks everyone for your advice, its good to know that I'm not the only one who is going through this.
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