tinktronik Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Hello All, It's me again. Ive been shy about posting this but hey , what the heck! Ive touched on whats going on on another thread.But I'll recap. My s/o has a major lack of sex drive , he's in his 40's and litterally would have sex maye twice a year if it were up to him.So for a long time weve struggled around this .In the past I've dealt with this b/c honestly ,our relationship was so strong on other fronts it was "dealable" . I'd always wanted to work on it though. My s/o says our relationship means enough to him to do counciling, but then we dont do it. Now my s/o's daughter is living with us and there are problems there.When she first got here me and the s/o had a minor 3 second squabble over something , (dont een remember what) so she decided to dislike me , she refused for weeks to anwser if I spoke to her and is a slob , who does very little but sit around on the floor on the computer. I talked to my s/o and he says I'm the one who has the problem with her , so deal with it. Finnally she started ignoring me when he was around and he said hed talk to her .Then after , when we all sit down, he says that if I have a problem I should deal with it and tells me that Im being tense about the "situation"(her refusing to speak to me) so Im the one creating the problem. Im a problem and his daughter deals with problems by ignoring them,Thus the ignoring me. So its my problem . To be honest, We work together and since she got here, Ive been picking up his slack because he wants to spend time with his daughter. But it seems now as if I don't exist at all, He spends all day hanging with his daughter ,The things we've always done together to stay connected ,he does only with her now, because she dosent want to be around me, so I'm excluded from all of our regular activities. I know maybe this sounds immature and that Im jealous of his daughter , and I am , I want my life back where we were on a schedual and did things together ,like have a cup of coffee in the mornings ,but now I can't go b/c his daughter needs to go instead and she dosent want to be around me. Theres lots of other stuff too. I barely get spoken to when leaving or entering our home . WTF!!! Ive always considered the plusses of our relationship to way outweigh the minuses , but I'm torn now .This sucks. I dont think I'm ready to leave, but I'd never even considered it before ...and now here it is. Just some advice or whatever would be great, thanks everyone. 1
dgiirl Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 By what you've written, it sounds your S/O is totally disrespecting you. I dont think it's a matter of you being jealous or petty or shallow. By him refusing to get involved and making it your problem to resolve is a total lack of respect and I would be just as angry as you are. It sounds exactly the way my exh resolved conflict. Never got involved and resented anyone who made "demands" on him. The only thing I can suggest is trying to speak to the daughter in a respectful civil manner. Tell her you dont like the tension going on between the two of you and you'd like it if you two could resolve it. You cant expect him to choose you over his kid, but I think you deserve a little more help than he's giving you now.
Author tinktronik Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 By what you've written, it sounds your S/O is totally disrespecting you. I dont think it's a matter of you being jealous or petty or shallow. By him refusing to get involved and making it your problem to resolve is a total lack of respect and I would be just as angry as you are. It sounds exactly the way my exh resolved conflict. Never got involved and resented anyone who made "demands" on him. The only thing I can suggest is trying to speak to the daughter in a respectful civil manner. Tell her you dont like the tension going on between the two of you and you'd like it if you two could resolve it. You cant expect him to choose you over his kid, but I think you deserve a little more help than he's giving you now. Dgirl, Ive talked to the daughter, We all talked together, thats when we had the convo about how she ignored problems ,and I'd become a problem .......so thats why she was ignoring me.That I was the one with the problem because I was tense about it ,and she had no problem because she simply ignored me. So it's my problem. I don't know Im really thinking about leaving, Ive never even considered leaving before this.I keep thinking we all just need to adjust to having each other around, but its just adjusted me into non-existense in our household. 2
lilmoma1973 Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Hugs to you Tink being a stepparent is mortal hell and can be so stressful when the spouse or s/o won't let you discipline .. I know how this feels and constantly battle this situation and h tells me that is my fault.. Sounds like your s/o daughter is jealous of you as well and wants to play you against one another!! I would suggest counseling to get things out in the open..My h told the counselor that i was mean to ss and that is why he don't want to listen and that isn't the case..SS doesn't want disciplining and i give it and h doesn't..Till your s/o quits making you the problem his daughter will always be that way..He should have a talk with her and tell her it is mean the way she is acting towards you..By the way how old is this daughter? If you need someone to talk with im here pm me anytime.. My relationship isn't any better but sure know what you are feeling when your spouse or s/o isn't on the same page with the step kids!!
hooghie Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I've never dated a man with kids (and will never) so I can't be much help, but I hope things get better for you. Maybe someone here who is/was a stepdaughter will post and give the other side or help you figure out what you can do to help the situation. We can't change/control other people's behaviour, but we can control and change our own. Your s/o is really disrespecting you, but he probably has a lot of guilt with his daughter. still, he shouldn't take it out on you. From what I remember of your posts you are young, attractive, and smart. If I were you, I would probably leave the situation if I felt that the cons really outweigh the pros. Good luck whatever you do. 1
Author tinktronik Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 Hugs to you Tink being a stepparent is mortal hell and can be so stressful when the spouse or s/o won't let you discipline .. I know how this feels and constantly battle this situation and h tells me that is my fault.. Sounds like your s/o daughter is jealous of you as well and wants to play you against one another!! I would suggest counseling to get things out in the open..My h told the counselor that i was mean to ss and that is why he don't want to listen and that isn't the case..SS doesn't want disciplining and i give it and h doesn't..Till your s/o quits making you the problem his daughter will always be that way..He should have a talk with her and tell her it is mean the way she is acting towards you..By the way how old is this daughter? If you need someone to talk with im here pm me anytime.. My relationship isn't any better but sure know what you are feeling when your spouse or s/o isn't on the same page with the step kids!! hello LM, the stepD is 17 y/o . I agree , my s/o needs to make some descisions , I do too, the main one being what I will and will not tolerate.Ive told my s/o that if he dosent set things to rights and deal with both our issues and any issues (ie needs I have ) that I will leave , And I will do it soon .I have explained to him that 1) we have to be on the same page 2) when we have discussed the situation and think we are on the same page then in front of others (his daughter) he blames me , this makes the situation worse. 3) If we dont find a resolution to our situation , It will simply get worse, and Im not interested in waiting around just to watch it get worse if I have needs that are not being met. . I have explained that I have no interest in having b-s in a home I pay for , I have my own kids that are my interest ,and anything that effects my output, (i.e. him or his daughter ) effects my children , will be illeminated from my life. Thankyou lilmomma , hugs to you too.
Author tinktronik Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 I've never dated a man with kids (and will never) so I can't be much help, but I hope things get better for you. Maybe someone here who is/was a stepdaughter will post and give the other side or help you figure out what you can do to help the situation. We can't change/control other people's behaviour, but we can control and change our own. Your s/o is really disrespecting you, but he probably has a lot of guilt with his daughter. still, he shouldn't take it out on you. From what I remember of your posts you are young, attractive, and smart. If I were you, I would probably leave the situation if I felt that the cons really outweigh the pros. Good luck whatever you do. I agree with you hoogie, I think Im begginning to set up some boundaries ,what I will and will not put up with. The work I have done in the last year has moved us forward financially , and if I leave I take that benifit with me , But I have explained to my s/o that my concern is to my own kids and its not my fault that he has not taken the steps to make a life for his daughter up untill now. As for not being able to change anyone elses behavior, I m aware of that . For my own behavior, I have some things to work on as well , I am jealous of his daughter , I want my life to continue to run smoothly ,and she has become an obstacle to that . It would be different if she was 8 or 10 or even 15 , but shes not, shes basically an adult ,and Im not financially responsible for supporting her . Thankyou for your offering of support , hogie , I appriciate it. 2
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