Guest1231321 Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I am seriously considering breaking up with my boyfriend. We've had a long term relationship, and there are times when I have really felt that he was "the one". I don't consider this so lightly then, I've put a lot of thought into it thus far. However, I still have some doubt that this is the reasonable thing to do, and I also don't really know how to go about doing it. I am very much in love with the person he is, but I am fed up with many of the things he does. I'm really lost, and really angry. Is it time to call it quits? Right now he is away with work for a week, and so I have had some extra time to think. He hasn't called me once the whole time he's been gone. He might have a valid excuse for this, but it would have been nice for him to take 2 seconds out of his time to call me and tell me he made it there all right. If he wanted to, I'm sure he would. This bothers me a lot too. Here is my rationale for breaking up: I really feel that he is being controlling. It’s always questions my judgment. Sometimes he doesn’t listen to me. He’s very critical of me. He belittles me sometimes, by talking to his friends about me (not just “the guys” joking around, he talks to his girl friends about things too. Its very disrespectful and inappropriate. I told him that.). He’s almost trying to change me sometimes in some ways. We’re very alike, but he expects that we agree on every single miniscule thing. And he tries to get me to be like this. The scary thing I have realized in his absence is that I have been. I am always supportive and interested in his differences, and this isn’t really reciprocated I don’t feel. I accept that he is different, and he doesn’t seem to get that. He gets annoyed when I have a different opinion. When I joke around and we play fight, he treats me in a childish way. He also does this with his possessions. He doesn’t want me fooling around with his laptop or digital camera.. yet he messes with things that are important to me. It’s like a control issue. He always wants me to be involved in his life, but he doesn’t seem interested in mine. (close friends, etc.) I never realized that he was like this until he left, I was just always annoyed, and never understood why. He’s very intelligent, and he seems to do things in subtle ways. It hasn’t been obvious that he is like this, however I have called him on the things that he does do. I have tried everything to get him to listen to my concerns, but they don’t seem valid to him. I’ve been kind, and patient, and I’ve been assertive and outspoken. I’ve tried backing off, warming up, everything in the book. I feel exhausted by my efforts.. and this seems like a clear indication that it’s break up time. However, I am only giving the bad side of the picture.I would say that 70% of the time we are goofing around, out doing fun things, enjoying each other, and really being a great couple. He usually has reasonable explanations for his behavior, and I trust him. I love him a lot, and I feel like he cares about me a lot too. He’s said things to me like “you’re my favorite person”. He loves me, but he’s so controlling. It’s been getting to me, and eating away at our relationship, slowly. In addition to this, he kisses funny lately, and hardly at all. That sets off an alarm in my mind. I have a lot of things to accomplish with my own work, and I don’t have time to be treated like this. That’s how I feel. I’m just so angry and lost. I don’t really know what to do. I won’t allow anyone to control me any longer, but I do honestly love him. And I think he loves me too. I plan to call him when he gets home and tell him to come over for something urgent. I want to just tell him everything, and then see how he responds. If he apologizes and understands I would give it a shot, but if not I’m done. Is this reasonable?? Any suggestions? Advice?
riobikini Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 RE: Guest1231321: " I am very much in love with the person he is, but I am fed up with many of the things he does. I'm really lost, and really angry. Is it time to call it quits? " Dear Guest, I think you already answered that, for yourself. A genuinely caring relationship has some basic criteria that ensures it's viability through any future problems, -yours is falling much too short of the basics. Aside from the very obvious damage the relationship is having on you, and can have long-term, think of what it can do to a family, should you go on to have one. He belittles you, -if you go on to have children at any point in the future, do you want your children to watch as their father belittles their mother in front of them? What do you think that does to a child and his/her future? He's controlling. In a caring relationship, there's a little something called compromise, where two people work out problems, together. He's highly critical. Same thing with any future children, -do you want them to hear all those awful negativities? He doesn't listen. Communication is vital in any relationship in that it opens up the door to all types of understanding and is the tool for grasping appreciation of the heart and core of any individual. Without it, a relationship dies. Trust. He doesn't trust your judgement, therefore, he doesn't trust you. Big problem in any relationship, and, again, -a real reason for it not to survive. Among other things I read from your post that makes me shake my head in amazement that you found anything to love in this man are: lack of patience, selfishness, arrogance, and manipulation. I could go on, but that was quite enough to make me wonder what keeps you hanging on to any thought of a future with him. Please read this over and over again, -as many times as it takes- and then ask yourself if you could recommend such a relationship for someone whom you truly love. The answer you come up with (I hope), is a resounding 'no!'. So, now, apply all the realizations from that answer, if was, indeed a 'no', -to yourself. Please use the search button in this site to look up topics that relate to your situation and do some research on the subject of co-dependency, self-esteem, confidence, etc. as well as, perhaps, other key words that can help better inform you of how important it is for you to depart permanently from this very dysfunctional and hurtful relationship. You are a very valuable and lovable human being, and should be treated with much more respect and recognition than you have been getting from this awful, awful man. "There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not. " -Francois de La Rochefoucauld I hope I have helped. Take Care. -Rio
Touche Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 You know just the fact that he's been gone a week and hasn't called his "favorite" person would be enough for me to say goodbye. If it's like that NOW, that's not a good sign at all.
riobikini Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 P.S. Sorry for the typos in my post, above...the site is cheating on minutes allowed for editing, lately, -making it difficult to, sometimes, create a coherent 'read'. -Rio
Guest123abc Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I respect 100% of everthing you said. I would tell him exactly how you feel about the relationship. It's better to let him know the feeling now then in the near future where you both might get marry and have kids. If he love you enough, he will understand and he will changed. If he doesn't understand your feeling then you guys should not be together even though you both love each other. I have learned to always express my feeling even if it might jeopardize the relationship because at least one of you is happy.
Recommended Posts