Author StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 I honestly believe he will never open that door again. He has said that he knows how it happened and will never allow anything to ever even get close to that road again. He does, however, hate my insecurity, my self-doubt. Which is one reason why he hates to talk about it. It brings to light that he made me insecure and have doubt. He knows it was his fault ... not to say that there were problems in the marriage that his EA was the result of, but he knows he is the one that crossed the line, not me. One of the things I obsess about is "what is she thinking," "what will she do next," "what will she try next," etc. She already went through the "I Need Help", the "I'm sick," "the we can just be friends," all stuff that LS showed me she would try. Since she tried all that and it didn't work ... I wonder what will be next. I feel that if I know, then I will be prepared. I know it isn't up to me, it is up to H, and that he won't let it go there again. Sometimes I feel sorry for her. Sometimes I don't. I highly doubt my H even thinks about her except for work anymore. But I always wonder what she is thinking.
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 I understand that, but he is responsible for YOUR distrust, and insecurities now. HE has to take ownership of that. How long ago did the affair end? How long were they together? See, he has to play his role here, make it right with you. And if you need more resassurance, he should give it to you as it's his fault that things are the way the are. You didn't go looking to have your life turned upside down. You didn't ask to have your trust ruined by him. He did that by a selfish choice. You do however, have to stop thinking of her. WHO cares what she thinks or feels. Right now she isn't part of your life, so don't waste your energy thinking about her. She isn't worthy of your thoughts! Seriously. Also, if you can, do a site search here of DazednConfused's thread. My wife made a stupid mistake. Print it out cuz it's long and let him read it. Dazed's thoughts and how he handled things were really inspirational...Maybe your husband should take a look, and he'll have some more insight of what has gone through your head in the past X amount of months...Even now. He may not realize how deep the wounds are and how long it takes to recover from.
newbby Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 I understand that, but he is responsible for YOUR distrust, and insecurities now. HE has to take ownership of that. How long ago did the affair end? How long were they together? i disagree. of course what he did is the reason why striving became distrustful, but she is still responsible for her personal well being, like everybody is. that is why her taking the step of posting on a help forum rather than talking to her h is so good, because it shows that she is taking responsibility for herself. See, he has to play his role here, make it right with you. And if you need more resassurance, he should give it to you as it's his fault that things are the way the are. You didn't go looking to have your life turned upside down. You didn't ask to have your trust ruined by him. He did that by a selfish choice. whilst this is true, he still has his own feelings to deal with. guilt can be one of the worst emotions. if he does not deal with his emotions regarding the a, then there is less chance that they can make a success of moving on. if he just reassured her, then that creates a dependency on him to reassure her. for him it creates a dependency on her reactions to his reassurances. both become weaker in this way. having said that, i wonder if in her own way strivings silence to her h, is a way of reassuring him...hmmm
Presario Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 I don't see why your husband should be unhappy about you posting here, because it's anonymous. He was upset when he saw you logged in, because he thought that you had an EA -- which was a good lesson, because he felt the way you felt with his real EA. My wife knows that I belong to LoveShack. She knows my username, so she can read my posts. Moreover, before I post a message with some info on her, I ask her to go through it, and she is allowed to make some changes. Once I wanted to create a thread, but she asked me not to do it. She told me that I might get some comments which might influence my judgement, and this is what she slightly feared. But there is more: SHE IS GLAD I FOUND LOVESHACK, because we get a better perspective. StrivingtoSucceed, your husband might be unhappy about the advice you got, or might get. Some people here advise others to divorce, to separate or take some strong steps - I think he doesn't want you to be influenced by these ideas.
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 i disagree. of course what he did is the reason why striving became distrustful, but she is still responsible for her personal well being, like everybody is. that is why her taking the step of posting on a help forum rather than talking to her h is so good, because it shows that she is taking responsibility for herself. If he didn't cheat, then she would not be feeling ANY of what I said. She wouldn't be having trust issues, she wouldn't be wondering about the OW, she wouldn't be having to go through all this, IF he had not cheated. Ofcourse getting help is helping her, by posting here and gaining insight and advice from others...Again, she wouldnt' be having to do that if he hadn't cheated! So yeah, it is mostly his fault she has some insecurities and trust issues. if he just reassured her, then that creates a dependency on him to reassure her. for him it creates a dependency on her reactions to his reassurances. both become weaker and eventually they crumble. having said that, i wonder if in her own way strivings silence to her h, is a way of reassuring him...hmmm Him as the cheater has to bear the responsibility of his actions. He has to be the one who makes things better. Yes, she has to open up and learn how to trust him again, but he has to do all the legwork. If he gets pissed off at her because things aren't moving along quickly enough, and life isnt' back to where HE thinks it should be, HE has to stop and remember HE made the situation...Not her.
Presario Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Him as the cheater has to bear the responsibility of his actions. He has to be the one who makes things better. Yes, she has to open up and learn how to trust him again, but he has to do all the legwork. If he gets pissed off at her because things aren't moving along quickly enough, and life isnt' back to where HE thinks it should be, HE has to stop and remember HE made the situation...Not her. WWIU, I agree with you.
newbby Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Him as the cheater has to bear the responsibility of his actions. He has to be the one who makes things better. Yes, she has to open up and learn how to trust him again, but he has to do all the legwork. If he gets pissed off at her because things aren't moving along quickly enough, and life isnt' back to where HE thinks it should be, HE has to stop and remember HE made the situation...Not her. it is true and he does have to realise his responsibility in this matter. at the same time, i think this can go too far. where does the cheater go for their strength? they cant complain about their own feelings, because why the hell should they complain, right? its their fault. dealing with feelings of guilt can sometimes be such a heavy burden to the cheater and then they have also to take full responsibility for the spouses wellbeing. i am not saying they shouldnt realise this as a consequence of their cheating, just that this method can sometimes seem a little too extreme, and could possibly be counterproductive. just a different perspective anyway.
Lil Honey Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 I honestly believe he will never open that door again. He has said that he knows how it happened and will never allow anything to ever even get close to that road again. She already went through the "I Need Help", the "I'm sick," "the we can just be friends," all stuff that LS showed me she would try. Since she tried all that and it didn't work ... I wonder what will be next. Hearing another person's voice is a very personal thing, which is why I suggested the faxing or emailing of supplies. If he reads this, he can make an effort to do that on his own. I would hope that he does. The OW will stop trying, when she no longer can make an impact. It would be tough for her to make an impact if she speaks to him less (due to the supplies being faxed or emailed). She will get tired of trying to persuade him, when he "moves" further from her. I have trouble understanding why he can't make up the supply order and hand it to the receptionist or someone to call it. I'm not trying to pry, I'm just saying that I don't know of anyone who is indisposable.
Author StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 H has accepted his role in all of this, as I have in my neglect of his EN that led up to him feeling that he had no choice but to leave, or commit suicide. Depression plays a huge factor along with him being diagnosed with a debilitating disease. He also felt that I deserved a better h and the kids deserved a better father. He knew that if he committed suicide then I wouldn't get the insurance money ... so he felt he had no other option at that point but to leave. WWIU - the EA lasted about two months ... July 05 the month I didn't know anything was going on, August 05 was when I knew. I'm sure it started before that, but he didn't realize it for what it was. July is when he started talking to her everyday, sometimes two, three, four times a day. I knew b/c he told me he didn't know what he wanted and he needed time away. I immediately figured another woman. By the end of August he had realized he only wanted me and was only calling her for work-related issues, but I don't think he stopped the conversation when she turned it personal. By the middle of September he stopped the conversation when she turned it personal. Any physical contact? Yes, kissing ... one time, the first week of August. I struggle with that, so won't talk about it now. (Which is how I know I wouldn't have stayed around had it been a PA ... I couldn't handle the images in my head.) H does reassure me although I think he has a tough time with it. It's out of sight, out of mind for him, so not tough unless I bring it up. As long as I don't bring it up ... i wonder if in her own way strivings silence to her h, is a way of reassuring him...hmmm then I am reassuring him (thank you Newbby - this is exactly what I am doing, although not knowingly) that I love him and that I accept him and all his faults. When I bring it up it is a reminder to him that it is his fault. Sometimes he does blame me/us for making it lead up to the EA, but he has admitted that it is his fault for crossing the line. Bringing it up is to him rubbing his nose in it. I don't see what good that would do me, or us. So I refuse to do it unless I really am feeling pretty bad. Then I bring it up b/c what I want his his words. His actions are everyday and should be more important. But at that point in time what I need are his words. Kind of a double-edged sword isn't it? To bring it up causes pain. To not bring it up makes my thoughts continue.
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 it is true and he does have to realise his responsibility in this matter. at the same time, i think this can go too far. where does the cheater go for their strength? they cant complain about their own feelings, because why the hell should they complain, right? its their fault. dealing with feelings of guilt can sometimes be such a heavy burden to the cheater and then they have also to take full responsibility for the spouses wellbeing. i am not saying they shouldnt realise this as a consequence of their cheating, just that this method can sometimes seem a little too extreme, and could possibly be counterproductive. just a different perspective anyway. They go the individual counselling. They work on themselves. That is one place to gain the strength. And honestly, there is NO extreme when it comes to cheating. Suffer the consquences either way. Either the BS takes him/her back and they work things out together, or the BS kicks them out and they live with the awful mistake they made. It is part of the accountability of the cheater. Take the responsibility of his/her actions! Own up to it and don't down play it. It is a different perspective and I guess each situation IS different depending on how long the A went on for, how serious it was and the state of the marriage too. How forgiving the BS is and also how willing is the cheater to work hard to make it all OK again.
Author StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 Hearing another person's voice is a very personal thing, which is why I suggested the faxing or emailing of supplies. If he reads this, he can make an effort to do that on his own. I would hope that he does. The OW will stop trying, when she no longer can make an impact. It would be tough for her to make an impact if she speaks to him less (due to the supplies being faxed or emailed). She will get tired of trying to persuade him, when he "moves" further from her. I have trouble understanding why he can't make up the supply order and hand it to the receptionist or someone to call it. I'm not trying to pry, I'm just saying that I don't know of anyone who is indisposable. I whole-heartedly agree with you. I have a problem w/ why it is exactly that he has to call to order. BTW - it isn't really to order ... it is to get the pricing on specific items so that the purchase guy responsible for the actual ordering will order from the right company. It is also to ensure that he gets exactly what it is that he needs, not what the order clerk wants. With that said, I do know that he has had problems in the past if he just tells the order person what he wants ... he doesn't get what he wants, repeatedly. Fire, rehire, retrain ... it has all happened and it just has become easier for him to make sure himself that he gets what he wants. While I understand the reasonings, that doesn't make me swallow it any better ... Sometimes it could be only once a month ... the trouble the past two months is that a high dollar item we bought for his personal use was not working properly and the calls were going back and forth as they were responsible to fix it. Most calls were between my H and the Manager, not her; however, she answers the phone most times. Now they took the item back and he is waiting for them to reimburse him. Once that is completed (I'll thank God!!) then it should go back to just whenever he needs the pricing info.
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Then you need to trust your husband's judgement when it comes to dealing with her. He says he isn't chatting with her at all on a personal level, and he has NO interest in her, her life or anything personal about her. So what if she still feels abit for him or if hearing his voice makes her smile. You can't control that and neither can he. He can only control his reaction to her and it does seem like he has cut her off, not fallen for her 'tricks' to gain his attention. SO, that is a huge plus right there!
Author StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 On the pricing info ... he doesn't call for every little part that he has his company order, only on certain things. That is why the calls can be once a month, or sometimes longer. Depends on the jobs that are ongoing.
Author StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 WWIU - You very correct. I need to trust my H. One thing I've learned through all this is the difference between trust and blind trust. And this I have just recently learned/realized recently. Blind trust where I never thought anything like this could happen with current H is no longer there. I now realize that marriage does actually take work, all the time. If you don't work at it and meet your partner's most important needs, then there is the possibility of an A happening. Trust itself is there. Although sometimes I wonder and think that maybe it isn't there b/c I have doubts ... but those doubts I have really are placed there by me. While he has admittedly been to blame for placing them there initially, I am to blame for keeping them there. How long do they stay? When do they finally go away? I can't force them away ... I've tried. While I trust that he will never do this to me/to us again ... I worry b/c she is still there, in the shadows, waiting. I worry b/c I think ... what if I do something wrong and she just happens to call at that precise moment .... Logically, I know he won't go there again, but my heart has this wall that keeps wanting to go up and I keep fighting to keep it down. That is what happens when I worry and then, obsese. Also, I know it is a big ego thing for me. I'm 38 ... not once has any man ever wanted to leave me for another woman. That is a tough pill to swallow! They've left other relationships before for me. Yes, I was the OW before in other relationships, so I've been there/done that ... which is the major reason why I think she needs H to verbally communicate it to her. I'm getting too old for all this!
Author StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 You do however, have to stop thinking of her. WHO cares what she thinks or feels. Right now she isn't part of your life, so don't waste your energy thinking about her. She isn't worthy of your thoughts! Seriously. Exactly what I try to do everyday. Exactly what everyone tells me I need to do. I place more importance on her than my H ever did. Shoot, I told her more about my H, then my H ever told her even, and I didn't tell her a lot. He never loved her, they never made love, they never had sex ... it isn't that big of a deal, right? Sometimes I wonder if I am making it too big of a deal. But the hurt, the pain and the feeling of betrayal tells me I'm not. I am getting better though! I used to think about it and her constantly. Then it went about a month before I thought about her again. Of course, because of this darn item that didn't want to work, she was brought to my mind almost daily. Not b/c he was talking to her specifically, but b/c he was talking to her M and I would always wonder .... did she answer, did she call and then transfer the call, did she call to pass on the information and he didn't talk to the manager...... Once we get reimbursed I am looking forward to not thinking about if he called/she called everyday. I know I shouldn't even worry about it, or even think about it. I'll know if there was a call b/c he will tell me, I've got the check, or what-ever.
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