StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 First, while I’ve said all along my H and I tell each other everything ... I haven’t told him that I’ve been participating on LS. More so b/c I knew what his reaction would be and I didn't know how to respond positively enough to tell him about it just yet: * something to the point that I’m not moving forward ... still hanging on to the past * your telling people personal information about us? I knew that he would have some type of negative reaction b/c it wasn't something he knew about. My reasons for coming here, to all of you anyway, are obvious, but to him I think he takes it as .... I don't know, just negative. I have used this mostly when I have doubt, and sometimes when I want to vent. Venting to him will do absolutely no good for us. Showing doubt to him, while I do sometimes, only brings it all back to the front again and then, of course, it is because I am not letting it go. I know he really does try to understand me then and knows that I am trying to work through it all, but at the same time, it brings up the hurt we both went through and therefore, he would rather not talk about it ... His reaction was a little different then I thought it would be. His first reaction was he thought that I had begun cheating on him via the Internet. Or at least something to that point. He saw LoveShack and he had that look on his face like, WTH!!!! I said it wasn’t what he thought, I said it is a Forum, like a chat room. He responded with and who do you chat with? I said I will show you and brought it up on the computer. He asked how long I had been doing this and I said since December. Then he decided that “he was going to check out his own sites ... and started looking up Girls Gone Wild. Not that I cared ... that doesn’t bother me and he knows that ... it was his way of joking to make the situation a little more comfortable. I didn’t think that was the end of it though ... I knew he was going to say something else about it. When we went to bed he said something about “the LoveShack” and it came out that when he first saw that his first reaction was that he thought I was cheating. I told him I would never cheat on him and he knew that. He asked what I do on there. I said I talk to other people who are going through the same emotions, or have gone through the same emotions that I’m going through. He asked what exactly do I talk about. I said us and my feelings. Then he got a little upset and started comparing apples to oranges - i.e., he’s not allowed to talk to other people about us, or about personal information, but I am ... of course, who/what he is referring to is that I explicitly asked him to never share personal info, or talk about us, or me with the OW. I said I’m talking to other people who are giving me support (or something to that effect). He said he doesn’t really know, he is only going by what I have told him. I told him that he is free to read everything that I’ve posted. He said how can he do that and I told him that I’m always logged on and my screen name. I also told him how I came up with the screen name ... I am trying to do anything and everything I can to make our marriage succeed, so StrivingtoSucceed. After that everything was fine ... but I do wonder what it is that he will think if/when he actually reads it. I don’t want all the stuff brought up yet again b/c I really am over the actual EA. As most of you know, my problem is the fact that she still calls (with the excuse it is for work) and that she still is waiting on the side-lines for him ... or for me to screw up that is. But at the same time, want him to read it all to understand the pain and frustration I have with the fact that they still have to have contact due to the working relationship.
jerbear Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Coming from me, the truth may hurt when he reads it. Your H should attempt to read it and if it works great, if not the true feelings come out. Communication is key.
newbby Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 firstly, loveshack is something that you chose as a type of personal counselling for yourself. you are anonymous, which is completely different to talking to people who know you both. it isnt going over old ground, because you are not going over it all with him. however, if he reads it, it will be bringing it all out in the open again. he has his way of dealing, which seems to be to not talk about it and you have your way of dealing with it. he may find your way uncomfortable and unhelpful, just as you may find his way. you are individual people with different ways of coping. that is why it is good that you have found this for you. 2
Becoming Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 What newby said. Spot on! You're doing what you need to do to take care of you through this, and it IS totally anonymous. Wouldn't hurt him to read some of LS either!
Touche Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Don't know you're whole situation but to me it sounds like he's a little worried about the advice you're going to get. Or advice you HAVE gotten. The fact that they're still in touch is playing with fire. Maybe he's worried that you will try to put a stop to it. He's worried about more than just the fact that you're discussing private things with strangers. That's my guess.
newbby Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 i dont think so touche', not after reading her previous posts. and thankyou becoming!
Touche Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 What do you mean, New? You know for a fact that he's not worried about what I said he was? How can you know what's in his head? Of course, I'm speculating. That's my educated guess. Just don't see how you can shoot it down with such certainty.
newbby Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 of course i dont know for certain touche', and i didnt mean it as a criticism, it is just that i have read many of strivings previous posts.
Touche Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Admitedly, I have not. But it really shouldn't have any bearing. That's still my sense on this particular issue of his being uncomfortable with her being on here. Would you care to speculate as to why he might be uncomfortable with it?
witabix Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 I don't think I would ever mention posting on here. Not because I have something to hide, but because I feel this is a good place to get all sorts of opinions from unconnected sources. And as others have said LS does give you some support and peace of mind, in that you see others taking a broadly similar stance to yourself over a certain issue. I did print out a thread from 2003 on Friendship vs Relationships and gave it to my gf. I think she read it, and I think it did affect her view on what I had said. I pointed out the fact that it was from three years ago, the people writing were complete strangers, but they were talking about the same 'philosophical' point that we were arguing over. I would like to think that it gave her a better picture of my perspective.
Author StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 Touche - I have to agree with Newbby on this .. I don't think he is worried about the advise that comes, or the advise that I have received. Although, that isn't to say that maybe by reading it he will get an idea of what the OW goes through and why it may be important for him to verbally communicate to her that it is indeed, a dead issue. That is my biggest issue and why I don't feel that this is a dead horse ... b/c OW has never recieved closure and therefore, (and this may also be just in my head) is still waiting. Why I think he will be uncomfortable with it is b/c for him this issue is a dead horse. He has admitted he was wrong, apologized and continues to show me everyday that he loves me and wants to be with me. While it is over for him, it is harder for me, thus ... the LoveShack.
newbby Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 no touche', i would not. i'm sorry, i didnt mean to upset you or anything. i know that striving is having a hard time letting go of this and from what she has said before, her h has a hard time talking about it and just wants to leave it in the past. thats probably why i jumped in so quickly, because i thought she might start to worry again. it wasnt a personal attack on your opinion or anything. i hope this explains things.
Author StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 Of course, I don't know what is going on in his head either and that is the complexity of the whole situation isn't it? I want to believe in everything that he says, I want to believe in his actions. But, b/c of the short-term EA he had ... I sometimes wonder, and then obsess about, if what is really going on in his head is what he is telling me. There may be another reason that he is uncomfortable with it. And, uncomfortable might not even be the word to use. H is a very private person, evident in that he never told the OW personal things about him, or us. Shoot, he doesn't tell anyone anything personal, except for me. I do know that he doesn't like this b/c of the major fact that I am sharing personal information, that I am talking about us, that I am talking about him, that I'm not talking to him. That much I do know, not b/c he told me, but b/c I know him. Why aren't I talking to him? B/c that brings it all to the present. He wants it over and gone ... it is over and gone for him. I am working at getting it over and gone, but doing so differently then him. Sometimes I do bring my thoughts and emotions up to him, but he then gets defensive b/c it is a reminder of the hurt we both went through. So, to prevent his hurt, I bring my doubts here.
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 The OW has to make her OWN CLOSURE. He can't do it for her, no matter what he says to her, it won't be enough. Closure comes from within, acceptance of her part in the situation and that is that. “he was going to check out his own sites ... and started looking up Girls Gone Wild. Dumb move on his behalf. LS is NOT Girls gone wild. BIG difference. GGW isn't a support group, a place to open up and talk about hurts and get advice.
Author StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 Touche - As much as I would like to put a complete stop on any possible contact between them, I can't and I won't. Can't b/c it is his job to order specific supplies for his company, unfortunately, OW is the person responsible for taking those orders from one of the only two companies his company will use. And, no, there isn't another person at that company he can give the order to, as much as I would like for it to be otherwise. Won't b/c I won't ever force him to do something he isn't willing to do. If and when he ever gets tired of her calling, then I would expect him to be just as vocal as he is in everything else and tell her so. Won't b/c if he ever does anything like that, I want to know that he did it on his own and not b/c I told him to, or made it an either/or thing. Does my won't mean anything? In a way I think no b/c it will never come to play b/c he has to order these supplies, and until she no longer works for the other company, she will be the one to take the order. (Believe me ... I hope everyday she gets another job somewhere ... in another state would be perfect!) In a way I think yes. Why I think yes ... b/c he knows that while she calls for work, in her own way she is calling to check, just to see, if things are going alright for him. H's response is that she never will get the answer she is looking for, so why should it bother me. Granted, I've acknowledged that it bothers me b/c of my ego ... she still thinks that she could have my h if she really wanted b/c she never got the closure that I want her to have. This is my belief and what I am trying to overcome. So, I think yes, b/c deep down I want my H to tell her that he loves me and would die w/o me and would never leave me, etc., etc., etc.
Touche Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 New and Striving yes, I saw your points. All is well. I was just throwing out that possibility. As for you Which...what do you mean LS isn't like GGW? I beg to differ! (Do the words "Friday's Hot Thread" ring any bells? Sorry, couldn't resit that one! All I can say Striving is do what you have to do to get past this. I think you're handling it well.
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Yeah I guess you're right in a way, but there is so much more to LS than the hot threads. The GGW is there for ONE reason only...Visually stimulating ofcourse! I think you're handling things really well too Strive. I feel for what you're going through.
Author StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 Thanks for the laugh WWIU! No GGW isn't anything compared to this ... and I can actually laugh about it which is good! Sometimes when we are bored we search the Internet and have come across those sites. Nothing big for either of us except for a laugh. I have even bought him a GGW Mardi Gras video b4 b/c my travels have taken me to New Orleans many times and he always had a comment relative to Mardi Gras ... after about five minutes of the tape, he was done with it and saw that it was just the same thing over and over and over .... boobs. He didn't do it to hurt me. I think he was trying to make a point ... his one thought at that time was that I was cheating on him and talking to other guys about him ... so he thought he would look up stuff on girls and that was the first thing that came to his mind. B/C at that point I think he was very hurt as he was thinking I was talking with other guys. H isn't too big on computers, hates emails, etc. He doesn't see what use a Forum would be to someone at this point. I think what he sees/thinks is that a Forum is where people get together to talk about their problems and that it will lead up to meeting ... people of other sexes. Honestly, I have never participated in a Forum, or chat room, or anything like this before myself. W/o having participated, I think I would have my doubts about what really goes on in them too. I read LS for three months getting a feel of how it all worked before I actually joined in.
Author StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 The GGW is there for ONE reason only...Visually stimulating ofcourse! Well ... it did lighten up the mood enough that I was happily pleased afterwards.
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Put it him this way..."Honey, would you prefer me to sit and cry, pour my heart out and tell you I'm having a bad day and why? Talk about MY pain and distrust of you - Even though I'm working my ass off to try to get things back to where they should be in the marriage? See, LS helps with that. These people listen and help me, show me how much better our marriage can be by doing X,Y and Z! So, those people DO help!" Haha, I bet he'd let you post all ya want! Give you his blessing. LS is like a bunch of friends. We can vent, talk and gain perspective. Some of those things our partners can't do for us, so we get it elsewhere. I know there is NO way I'm going to tell my hubby how horrible I feel cuz of PMS or my period. I jump on here, post about it, or I call a girl friend. Some things are just better quiet. He should appreciate that you're dealing with things the way you are. I really hope he sees that effort...And that he is trying too.
Author StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 I have to admit to a little bit of vindictiveness. NOT PLANNED, but when I saw his face when he saw LS on the screen, I knew exactly what he thought and hence, felt. That punched in the stomach, can't breath, etc., feeling that we all know so well. So, there is a little part of me that was not exactly happy, but something, that he felt it. 1) b/c it validated that he loves me (sick way to validate that, I know) and 2) b/c then he would have some slight idea of how I felt, although short-lived for him.
Author StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 You're right ... I would think he would actually appreciate me being on here as it as helped me maintain a balance of sorts. My first reaction was one of the jilted lover doing anything and everything to get the lover back ... crying, begging, etc. LS showed me that I was being pathetic and not something I should be doing. The second reaction was such anger that I wanted to throw in the towel. This, of course, was after he decided he wanted to make our marriage work. LS showed me that was also just a reaction and that in reality it wasn't something that I really wanted to do. I want to make my marriage work, I want to live happily ever after ... isn't that what we all want? So, since LS has helped me through all this, and is still helping me, then I think if he ever does read any of this, then he will be o.k. with it b/c it was good for us.
Author StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 WWIU - The OW has to make her OWN CLOSURE. He can't do it for her, no matter what he says to her, it won't be enough. Closure comes from within, acceptance of her part in the situation and that is that. This sticks out to me ... so what you are saying is that even if H told her everything that in my mind I would want him to tell her, she still might not accept it, or have her own closure, right? Interesting thought.
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 I'm betting she has trust issues with him and probably would question what he says. It could make an impact for a little while, but chances are, she'd think and think and think...Then come up with more questions than answers and stuff...I don't know. He can't provide what she is looking for, so she has to accept that it is over and admit her part in it, get over it and move on. Find a single man and forget your husband. Hopefully she does know it's over and isn't trying to get back with him. I would hope that your husband isn't foolish enough to open that door again ...
Lil Honey Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 his job to order specific supplies for his company, unfortunately, OW is the person responsible for taking those orders from one of the only two companies his company will use. And, no, there isn't another person at that company he can give the order to, as much as I would like for it to be otherwise. He must work at a small company. I wonder what his company would do if your husband . . . I dunno . . . went on vacation for two weeks or something. I'm thinking that if he doesn't want to talk to her, he can fax or email his supplies order . . .
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