"Silent all these years"

[i'mhurt]

That’s just it I have expressed my feelings to her extensively for several weeks (I ended my openness as of last week). When I was being completely open and honest she would tell me that it’s pointless because it’s too late. When she told me this I didn’t care that it was pointless; I didn’t want to repress my new emotions, so I didn’t; until now. Yes, I’ve taken responsibility for my past behavior (and she has forgiven me for hurting her) but it’s her current behavior (with regards to the other guy) that is hurting me so therefore I have to stay emotional distant to heal completely.

 

I don’t think I scorned her gift, I’ve told her before that I can’t accept any gifts or any type kind gestures from her right now. But maybe you’re right I should tell her one last time about how I feel currently. In fact what you suggested is right on the money. Thanks for that. Yes I’m trying to learn how to communicate to others about my feeling, actually very successfully. But it’s harder of course when you are afraid of getting hurt.

 

I wish I had read the book you suggested a year ago. Live and learn I guess.

[greenshift]

For some, gifts are how they express affection. Does your wife fit into this category? It may have been a peace offering.

 

Just a thought.

[i'mhurt]

Yes, I would say that she expresses affection by giving gifts. And yes it could be a peace offering. But I can't assume anything. She has to be direct with me at this point. It’s hard for me to simply accept her kindness for the sake of being just kind.

[greenshift]

There's a book you need to read called "The Five Love Languages," or possibly "The Five Languages of Love." I don't remember the exact title. It's $15 and will take you about two hours to read. Well worth it.

 

I understand where you're coming from. But, from where she's standing, a present may be the most direct way she knows to talk to you, especially considering the history you've outlined here of keeping your feelings inside. That may have trained her to believe that talking about your problems doesn't help.

 

It sounds like what you want is an outright, vocal expression of what she may have been trying to say with that gift. I'd say not to be too selective; you may be right, but being right may cost you a chance at reconciliation.

 

You know your situation better than I do - obviously. Still, try not to shut down what may be overtures on her part because they're not in the right format. If I've misunderstood, I apologize, but think about it.

[i'mhurt]

I'll have to pick up that book, I've been reading a lot of self help books and this one sounds like a good read.

 

Yea I don't want to overlook her kindness, so I just emailed her to express how I currently feel. Thanks to Becoming I've used a lot of her words in the email. My therapist said the exact same thing as Becoming but I never did say anything to my wife about it (I was afraid of getting hurt/ rejected) but at this point what do I have to lose. Risk it all!

[Becoming]

I'll have to pick up that book, I've been reading a lot of self help books and this one sounds like a good read.

 

Yea I don't want to overlook her kindness, so I just emailed her to express how I currently feel. Thanks to Becoming I've used a lot of her words in the email. My therapist said the exact same thing as Becoming but I never did say anything to my wife about it (I was afraid of getting hurt/ rejected) but at this point what do I have to lose. Risk it all!

 

There ya go! What you are going through is so painful. It's easy for us armchair quarterbacks to tell ya what to do, but so hard to actually do it. Just tell what you're doing and why. Sounds like she needs to do the same.

 

She really is giving you mixed signals, huh?

 

So you get more practice at learning how to use your words. Oh, joy!

 

Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com Some of the stuff there can help you see some things that might have gone wrong. If nothing else you can learn for the next relationship.

 

Healing prayers to you!

[i'mhurt]

Well she replied to my message, and yes I was rejected (again). Momentary set back. But I must press on.

Here’s her email, “I understand. My giving you that was not intended as a way to indirectly say that I want to patch things up; I wouldn’t want to send you the wrong message.

I will give you the space you need to heal; that is best now.”

Ok what I don’t understand is I’ve told her in the past to stop giving me mixed signals and she did for a several weeks until recently. But she says “I wouldn’t want to send you the wrong message”, what! Send me the wrong message, what was her message anyway? Why would anyone do that to someone? Give a person that they dumped a gift and expect that person to not see some meaning behind the gift. I feel I’m right back to the beginning.

[greenshift]

Man... well, at least now you know - that sucks. I know when I was first starting down this path there were a lot of gestures that were genuine, and quite a few that I wanted to believe were, but were really just her trying to make things not so bad for me, for whatever reason, without any intention on my X's part of patching things up. It's hard to tell the difference.

 

Sounds like space is the best thing... sounds like she's sending a lot of mixed signals, like she doesn't quite have her head on straight. And you're going through a lot so you don't really, either, which is normal, and to be expected.

 

All I can really say is that it does get better, after a time, but I know that's small comfort right now.

 

Be well.

[i'mhurt]

Yea my initial reaction was anger, but you know you are right; at least now I know how she feels and I don’t have any regrets for letting her know how I feel. I can handle the truth; even if it hurts. So yes back to limited contact.

 

I don’t think she ever quite had her head on straight, but I was ok with that. LOL!

[Becoming]

I think the gifts are a girl-thing. We're always trying to make everyone feel better, and that's probably the only way she knows how.

 

But you are responsible for your feelings--not her. Only you are the expert on how to care for you, and you probably need to keep reiterating that to her by telling her that you appreciate that she cares about your feelings but that gifts are not what your feelings need to be cared for right now. What will really express her care for you is her honoring your desire for limited contact solely for the sake of your child so that you can go on to heal. This is kind, forthright, and respectful of both of your feelings.

 

You're doing great, though I know it probably doesn't feel like that right now. It will. Hang in and keep participating in your own healing.

[i'mhurt]

I've decided to file for divorce. I finally realized that I had to LET GO. My head knew that I had to let go but my heart would not because I still loved her. But last week I caught her with another man. I guess I needed that visual evidence of her with another man to really let go. I’m actually doing ok with it all. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past several months; the biggest lesson is to allow myself to feel the hurt and not fight it. Once I allowed the pain to pass through, I understood it and then could learn from it and finally move on. Once in awhile I still have bad days but that’s ok; because when I have good days they are the best days I’ve ever experienced. I now feel fully to live fully! Feel less, you live less.

[greenshift]

If that's really what you want, then I wish you well.

 

I'm not sure how much interaction you have with your wife at the moment. It might do you some good to take a couple of weeks, get out and enjoy yourself, and see how you feel at the end of that time. Not that it will change your decision, but the last thing you want is to wonder if you acted too hastily a few years down the road.

 

I know how difficult it is to actually, physically see your wife with someone else - when it happened to me, I completely flipped.

 

Good luck.

[CaliGuy]

I'mhurt: I'm really sorry for all that has happened. However, I do have a few questions for you.

 

What have you learned about yourself through this entire process?

What would you have done differently knowing what you know now?

What effect will this relationship have on future relationships for you?

[Becoming]

Thanks for update, i'mhurt. I'm sorry. This must have been quite a shock.

 

But it sounds like just the shock you needed to jumpstart your new life.

 

Blessings on your new life! May this time of turmoil be wrapped in God's peace to you.

[Guest]

I've decided to file for divorce. I finally realized that I had to LET GO. My head knew that I had to let go but my heart would not because I still loved her. But last week I caught her with another man. I guess I needed that visual evidence of her with another man to really let go. I’m actually doing ok with it all. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past several months; the biggest lesson is to allow myself to feel the hurt and not fight it. Once I allowed the pain to pass through' date=' I understood it and then could learn from it and finally move on. Once in awhile I still have bad days but that’s ok; because when I have good days they are the best days I’ve ever experienced. I now feel fully to live fully! Feel less, you live less.[/quote']

 

 

Does she know that REALLY hurt you? Or does that not matter to her? Maybe it's time to move on.

[i'mhurt]

I’m still separated. My last post indicated that I was filing for divorce, well I went through the process, attended a workshop to properly fill out the forms, filled out all the forms, created a MSA, etc. but then I realized that the filing fee is $320. Yikes! So I proposed to the STBX that we split the cost. But she’s been struggling with money, at the time she quit me she quit her job; lost her health insurance and now works part time. So she didn’t have the money. I didn’t want to pay for the entire fee (I too really didn’t have the money) just on principle; I didn’t want the divorce so why do I have to pay for the fee? So the original driving force of filing has now dwindled; I was acting more on anger I suppose but now I’m at peace with my situation. I’ve taken control in how I react to her actions, giving me mixed signals, calling me for advise, etc. I still experience waves of emotions but I can manage them much better; I’ve been using different techniques, NLP exercises, meditation, reading a lot of books to understand who I am, etc. (Good book to read, The Introvert Advantage – I realized that our temperament difference, she’s an outie I’m an innie was a significant reason why our relationship didn’t work). So as I experience these fluctuating emotions I would act differently towards her. When I’m feeling resentful I’ll maintain my distance; limited contact. When I’m feeling happy/ peaceful I’ll actually share details of my life with her. At first I thought it’s much easier to erase her from my memories; out of sight out of mind, right? Well it’s difficult when we have a son together; so I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s easier to just be at peace. And it’s working. A few weeks ago she came to pick up our son from the house; I was hanging out with my roommate having a few brews. She actually hung out for awhile to have a beer. And it was a lot of fun. I attribute this hallmark moment to my attitude on life. I’ve been really happy and giddy lately; laughing for no reason, meeting a lot of new people, creating stronger binds with family and friends, etc. So that great moment past and I actually didn’t analyze it, does she want to get back with me because we had a moment, blah, blah. Nope, I just accepted it and moved on. Recently she wanted me to take our son on a night that I don’t normally have him, but I was reluctant. I still have to maintain my dignity; I’m not here at your beckoning call I thought. So she was annoyed but I maintained my stance. Moments later she texted and said don’t worry about it, then later another text; send me the divorce forms (the forms that I already filled so she could file). It was obvious that she was mad. I instinctually called her (which I rarely do) to ask if she wanted to meet and talk. She asked why, I said I sensed that you were mad and I don’t want a bad relationship. So we met for lunch. I had the opportunity to tell her all things I’ve been holding back for the past 5 months. I guess I got my closure. But then she dropped a bomb on me. She prefaced first I have something to tell you (and when someone says that you know it’s bad), Biff (not his real name but the guy I caught her with) is moving here and we’re getting a place together. Ouch! I was silent for what seemed like eternality; then the first thing that came out of my mouth was I don’t want him around our son. She said that’s not fair. We exchanged a few more words about the topic then I just let it go. I said at one point do you love him, she replied yes. She then said that was probably hard for you to ask. I said, yes. Later she indicated that she could see marrying this guy. The tragic part of all this is that this guy is apparently playing my role (the introverted dumpee) from his previous relationship. The twisted irony she’s interested in the same kind of person that I am but dumped. Also tragic is that I still love her and I can’t do anything about it. Well I can and I have in terms of my well being. She even said it’s sad that you couldn’t have been more open, better communicator, etc. while we’re together; I just said I have bad timing, I guess. At the end I felt good talking to her. I did find closure that day. Since then we’ve been talking a little more; as friends. And that is what’s important to me and especially for our son.

[iron_m]

I’m still separated. My last post indicated that I was filing for divorce' date=' well I went through the process, attended a workshop to properly fill out the forms, filled out all the forms, created a MSA, etc. but then I realized that the filing fee is $320. Yikes! So I proposed to the STBX that we split the cost. But she’s been struggling with money, at the time she quit me she quit her job; lost her health insurance and now works part time. So she didn’t have the money. I didn’t want to pay for the entire fee (I too really didn’t have the money) just on principle; I didn’t want the divorce so why do I have to pay for the fee? So the original driving force of filing has now dwindled; I was acting more on anger I suppose but now I’m at peace with my situation. I’ve taken control in how I react to her actions, giving me mixed signals, calling me for advise, etc. I still experience waves of emotions but I can manage them much better; I’ve been using different techniques, NLP exercises, meditation, reading a lot of books to understand who I am, etc. (Good book to read, The Introvert Advantage – I realized that our temperament difference, she’s an outie I’m an innie was a significant reason why our relationship didn’t work). So as I experience these fluctuating emotions I would act differently towards her. When I’m feeling resentful I’ll maintain my distance; limited contact. When I’m feeling happy/ peaceful I’ll actually share details of my life with her. At first I thought it’s much easier to erase her from my memories; out of sight out of mind, right? Well it’s difficult when we have a son together; so I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s easier to just be at peace. And it’s working. A few weeks ago she came to pick up our son from the house; I was hanging out with my roommate having a few brews. She actually hung out for awhile to have a beer. And it was a lot of fun. I attribute this hallmark moment to my attitude on life. I’ve been really happy and giddy lately; laughing for no reason, meeting a lot of new people, creating stronger binds with family and friends, etc. So that great moment past and I actually didn’t analyze it, does she want to get back with me because we had a moment, blah, blah. Nope, I just accepted it and moved on. Recently she wanted me to take our son on a night that I don’t normally have him, but I was reluctant. I still have to maintain my dignity; I’m not here at your beckoning call I thought. So she was annoyed but I maintained my stance. Moments later she texted and said don’t worry about it, then later another text; send me the divorce forms (the forms that I already filled so she could file). It was obvious that she was mad. I instinctually called her (which I rarely do) to ask if she wanted to meet and talk. She asked why, I said I sensed that you were mad and I don’t want a bad relationship. So we met for lunch. I had the opportunity to tell her all things I’ve been holding back for the past 5 months. I guess I got my closure. But then she dropped a bomb on me. She prefaced first I have something to tell you (and when someone says that you know it’s bad), Biff (not his real name but the guy I caught her with) is moving here and we’re getting a place together. Ouch! I was silent for what seemed like eternality; then the first thing that came out of my mouth was I don’t want him around our son. She said that’s not fair. We exchanged a few more words about the topic then I just let it go. I said at one point do you love him, she replied yes. She then said that was probably hard for you to ask. I said, yes. Later she indicated that she could see marrying this guy. The tragic part of all this is that this guy is apparently playing my role (the introverted dumpee) from his previous relationship. The twisted irony she’s interested in the same kind of person that I am but dumped. Also tragic is that I still love her and I can’t do anything about it. Well I can and I have in terms of my well being. She even said it’s sad that you couldn’t have been more open, better communicator, etc. while we’re together; I just said I have bad timing, I guess. At the end I felt good talking to her. I did find closure that day. Since then we’ve been talking a little more; as friends. And that is what’s important to me and especially for our son.[/quote']

 

SHE

If he is playing your role... I would interpret this:

1) she likes that kind of men (introvert). She liked you and she likes him.

2) she doesn't love you any more for a reason OTHER than being introvert. After all you are opening yourself and communicating your feelings. she is saying "how bad you didn't do this before", yet she is starting over with a man that is more like you was before.

3) She say the she sees herself marring this man, yet, she still gives you "mixed signals".

4) the true mixed signal here is in points 1) and 2)

 

YOU

1) you are convinced that you have to divorce. But you don't feel like filling for divorce and affording all the cost.

2) you are dealing better with the situation, and afronting all of this with more dignity than at the beggining

3) despite 1) and 2) you are stilll vulnerable.

 

can you anticipate your reaction when his friend moves with her?

because that is your soft spot right now, at least from what I can read.

[i'mhurt]

Thanks iron_m for your insight. I haven’t considered your points 1 and 2 as mixed signals; I guess they could be but I don’t see it that way. We all have a desire to be a complete person so we’re drawn to our opposites. It’s her natural to be drawn to this guy because of his temperament and other characteristics. I could interrupt this as being unfair to me, right? Honestly life’s not fair. So I can’t sulk and dwell; if I did I would just relapse to the beginning of this journey. The irony; she says she still loves me. Yea I know; talk about mixed signals. But it’s how I react to these types of statements that I’ve changed. You make good points though, iron_m. As for the filing for divorce; I think its best that I just file myself. That’s the true tragedy; dissolving a marriage with someone you love. That would be true closure. Yes, I’m vulnerable but I realized that’s my true strength now. If I allow myself to feel fully; I live fully and grow.

>> can you anticipate your reaction when his friend moves with her?<< I hope I can maintain my dignity and be mature. Honestly I don’t know; especially when my son says things like, “guess what dad I went to Disneyland with Mom and Biff yadayada”, or whatever he may say about him. I know that I’m his dad and will be for the rest of his life but it’s this unknown predicament that I don’t know how I’ll react to. As far as seeing her with another person; yea that’s going to be hard. But I’ve allowed enough time for this idea to sink in that I’ll be ok. Let’s hope.

[sirjay]

SHE

If he is playing your role... I would interpret this:

1) she likes that kind of men (introvert). She liked you and she likes him.

2) she doesn't love you any more for a reason OTHER than being introvert. After all you are opening yourself and communicating your feelings. she is saying "how bad you didn't do this before", yet she is starting over with a man that is more like you was before.

 

2) is unlikely to be true. it is very, very common that people are attracted over and over again to relationships that are not what they truly want. People repeat circumstances from their childhood etc. She may well keep repeating this pattern until she figures out the underlying reasons behind it.

[Becoming]

2) is unlikely to be true. it is very, very common that people are attracted over and over again to relationships that are not what they truly want. People repeat circumstances from their childhood etc. She may well keep repeating this pattern until she figures out the underlying reasons behind it.

 

I agree.

 

Thanks for update, i'm hurt. It's good to hear how well you're doing. It sounds like you've grown a great deal through all this while she hasn't grown at all. How sad for her.

 

Weren't you going to therapy? Sounds like that's working well for you.

 

If you don't want to file for divorce, don't. If she's really in love with the guy, she'll find a way to file. She wants the divorce, she can get it. If you want, do it.

 

Either way, all the best.

[i'mhurt]

>>It sounds like you've grown a great deal through all this while she hasn't grown at all.<<

By leaps and bounds I've grown. I can't speak for her growth; I can't see it. But how I would I know, right?

 

I stopped the therapy several months ago; I felt I reached a point where I was finding my own methods of therapy, as I described before. Honestly I didn't really like my therapist; she was a little uncompassionate. She served her purpose, hehe!

 

I don't want to file for divorce but I felt it would help me get through the "letting go" process. It's now or later. I figured I quickly rip the band aid off.