blah1234 Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Ok, well, we broke up 3 weeks ago from today. A lot of crap has happened since then. When we first broke up, I tried to be really strong about it, but I ended up breaking down after awhile and actually crying in front of her. It was bad. Then about a week after the break up, we "hooked up." Not such a great idea. After that she told me that she wanted no contact for one week. Well, I kept up with my end of the deal, I didn't contact her, but she's been calling me and I've been seeing her and hanging out with her every day. One night, she even called me three times to talk. There has been only one day where we didn't speak at all. We've actually been having a lot of fun hanging out together. We hung out all night tonight and last night. Nothing has happened, though, which I guess is good and bad. Although, she often asks me about my masturbation habits, which is very odd... I usually just tell her that we shouldn't talk about it now. So, she is going out of town for the weekend and I figure this will tell me a lot. I know she is going to be pretty busy, so if she calls me, I figure that could mean something. I don't know. She is also seeing one of her male friends who she told me she was semi-interested in just recently. Although, she also told me that she wouldn't do anything with any other guys until she is over our relationship (that will take at least 6 months, according to her). Yeah, so in the interest in keeping this short, I'm going to leave out the rest of the details because these are the important ones. Oh, and I am going to give her a card when I get back to apologize for being such a pussy about our break up. I also made her cry a few times, which I feel kind of bad about. Any thoughts? Concerns? Suggestions?
riobikini Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 You have just described the slow-moving machinations of breaking away. You think that by moving slowly through it, assessing each step and analyzing each little thing that happens in the relationship, that you will have a better chance at spotting something 'fixable', salvageable, or you may just be using the more gentle approach with the crumbling relationship to avoid those awful hurt feelings, either yours, hers, or for the both of you. Moving slowly through a relationship with problems is neither good nor bad unless, you are applying the wrong move to the wrong problem, like seriously delaying the end to a relationship that really should end immediately to avoid any dangerous consequences of staying in the realtionship, or trying desperately to keep someone who simply does not love you to reunite at any cost or under any compromise they wish from you. It depends. Sometimes it's just a drawn-out delay that doesn't need to happen, -other times, you do, indeed, need to re-assess, for goodness sake- the true viability of a once-good relationship that, actually could be good, or even better- again. Breaking away from something (someone) you have grown familiar with and might have strong feelings for, is like moving day for a child, sitting in the backseat of a car peering tearfully out the rear window, watching the town, school, and friends he loves grow tinier, and tinier as the car rolls away. He may see them all again, someday, but just for now, he knows that he will miss them all incredibly, and can think of nothing but the the 'good times' that he had, -and none of the 'bad'. And that's often exactly the way we are with letting go. We may stare for a while through the rear window of our mind , zeroing in on all the good things, but then we begin to slowly let them fade to the back of our mind, for glorified reference, perhaps, later on in life when we may need a good story for a heartbroken friend, or for our grandchildren. (Smile) In time, these memories and experiences become replaced with new ones, which does not belittle the happy memories, nor ignore the 'bad' ones, but just as a way to keep the whole idea of forward motion, in forward motion! And life goes on, creating a new chapter. The first pages of which, without realizing it, you have already begun. (Smile) I hope this has helped you. Take Care. -Rio 1
pisces writer Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Life is indeed like a big novel. It is full of sad, happy and even bizarre chapters. It is also interesting to see what the next page brings.
newbby Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 further to rios excellent post, you need to accept that its over and do nc.
salmagundi Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 I've learned more than I ever wanted about some of the crueller dynamics of breaking up with someone. One important lesson I've learned, and that you are probably about to learn too, is that if someone ends an otherwise good relationship with someone they nonetheless care about but dont see as "the one"...they dont stop caring about you. It hurts them to let go even if they are the dumper. Sometimes it hurts enough that they are reluctant to do it firmly and definitively. After all, unless they dumped you for another guy...then life for them postbreakup is going to seem a little scary and lonely once they cut themselves away from a relationship that...for its duration...provided much of the structure of their lives. The dumper, in other words, has to get over the dumpee almost as much as the reverse. In the case of your ex, who gives you the impression of not quite being able to let go...you ave to be careful that she is not using, leaning on you...to get over you. I have learned that if the dumpee doesnt walk away, if he lets the ex keep coming around, hanging out etc. he risks thinking he has a second chance when in fact he has become his ex's rebound... Really bad spot to be in. I sometimes think thats exactly teh position i put myself in recently. Like you, we split up and agreed we would give each space to getover it but then...guess what? I saw my ex just about everyday. We hung out. We got physical. She cried and tod me (still tells me) she doesnt want to lose me. We've almost spent the night a few times. None of this ever led to us getting back together of course. But two months later she has stopped calling, stopped appearing at my work, stopped "running into me" at school and basically, I dont see her anymore. Guess she's over me now. I dunno. But if I could do it again there is no way in hell I would chase someone who dumped me. And much less would I let them keep coming into my life without "sorry" and "lets try again." ANything less is setting yourself up to be used, even if they dont mean it (and they dont...they DO still care about you...they just dont want to be with you anymore once they get over you.) So keep doing what I did and you'll be exactly where I am...wondering what happened to all the post breakup hugs and tears and phone calls and "i love you's". Then you run into them somewhere and there with another guy... There really is no escaping the inexorable logic of NC... salmagundi P.S. anything that has gone right for me post breakup has been teh result of listening to peoples advice both in my real life and here at LS. ANything that hasnt worked out for me is usually becaused I ignored that same advice.
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