kjo314 Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Guys/Gals, Ex dumped me 2 months ago... I have been trying to go out and meet some people and go on some dates.. QUestion is... why does a rejection I get for a date bring me back into the break up kind of feeling I had. I don't understand it. I just want to be happy again.. How do I combat this....Why can't I get a date??? I don't know... I hate being hurt
kitten chick Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Your ego is shattered from the breakup and can't take the hits of being rejected by the new people. I've been out of the dating game for 7 months because of this. It takes some people a lot of time to really get over it.
Author kjo314 Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 See I don't want to be out of it.... I guess I don't have closure with the reltionship I was kicked out of......but I will never get it.. because she doesn't even know why she did it...she is crazy
kitten chick Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Nobody wants to be out of it. Sometimes you just have to give yourself a break until you're really ready to handle it.
jcmartin86 Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 eh..somethign tells me she knows why she did it
Author kjo314 Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 I wish I knew... if I knew I would be better...
jcmartin86 Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 man, if I knew why mine did it I'd be better to... life just sucks right now
WindDrifter Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Yeah I reakon girls say they don't know to try and be nice but in the end it just makes things worse. 1
kitten chick Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 All the closure you need is knowing that you're not together anymore. Sometimes you're better off not knowing why, trust me on this one. When you're ready, figure out on your own what went wrong in the relationship, learn from it, and move on.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Honey, two months is just TOO soon to be trying to date. I know you're probably lonely for the companionship and intimacy you had before. But unless you give yourself the necessary time before dating again, you will only end up getting hurt, repeating old patterns, and go into a new relationship with open wounds that haven't had a chance to heal. Just like a death of a loved one, there is a grieving process that needs to happen when you seperate from someone you love. If you try to rush through the steps or skip any of them, then you won't be properly prepared to begin a new relationship. 1
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 If I can give you a tip... I'm reading a book, venus and mars starting over. It's really good. It outlines the way that men and women heal after a breakup, and how they differ from each other, and it gives you good direction on how to work through each step of the grieving process. And then it discusses how men and women re-enter the dating scene...what to do and what not to do. Check it out. It could be helpful to you too.
riobikini Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 RE: kjo314: " why does a rejection I get for a date bring me back into the break up kind of feeling I had. I don't understand it. I just want to be happy again.....How do I combat this....Why can't I get a date???...I hate being hurt. " Dear Kjo, When someone ( a man, especially), is hurt from rejection, it saturates every cell in his body and comes out in his overall appearance, -in spades. It permeates to the very core of him and when he first begins to attempt dating maneuvers again, he reeks of the intense cologne of recent rejection. It's not that you are unlovable, or are unattractive in the way you look, -it's more specific than that: it's the way you carry yourself, your choice of 'pick-up' lines and words, which are nearly always going to just come out all wrong, and the way you never seem quite sure of yourself. Stumbling through the phrases and the hesitancy and uncertainty of knowing exactly where you are heading with the conversation just makes a painfully pointed spectacle of something else: your unconfident body language, which you probably weren't even aware you were expressing. Women pick up on this right away. Huntresses in 'hunting mode', do notice the body language before noticing anything else. A confident man will give off strong body language signals without knowing he's actually doing it, likewise, also will a man who is still feeling rejected, unsure, and still battling with hurt feelings after a recent break-up. There are some who attribute pheromones to the likelihood of attracting the opposite sex. For instance, as the hopeful theory goes, men or women who are more sexually active are simply more attractive to the opposite gender because of the presence of pheromones being produced and deposited in small amounts on the skin, (as in the pores), from being regularly involved in sexual activity. Because these pheromones may have the ability to attract a mate in humans, as already proven with moths, the opposite gender is thought to be drawn to the scent to actually instigate an encounter, based on our genetic prehistoric disposition to seek out mates for reproduction purposes. So, in other words, if this theory is one day proven to be correct, those who have broken up and have not had sex with someone else for a while, may not have as much chance in attracting a 'mate' (date), after all. Whether this is true or not has not been proven, but it would certainly explain alot of our present 'unexplainable' condition as human beings in the precarious jungle of dating and mating rituals. One thing is certain: our body language speaks volumes about how we feel about ourselves. With this in mind, it is essential that our self-esteem and confidence level be at it's very best in order to 'put ourselves on display' in the world of social dating. And that brings me to the very heart of the matter regarding you, KJO, -you need a plan of rehabilitation to get you past the hurtful feelings that are still prohibiting growth in your life, and that happy feeling that, I'll bet, you haven't felt in a very long time. Below, I am giving you links to other posts to help you get started taking better care of you. Look, you'll be back 'out there' before too long, -but, maybe, just now, you are not ready. Go through these links carefully, absorb them, and get your battle plan ready...you need one. And keep posting to this board. Hey!...you were a hero for many just for getting your a*s out there and trying it, anyway. (Wink) And, if it turns out I meet you someplace and you wind up trying out what you learn on me, -I promise you, I'll go easy on you. This time. (Smile) Take Care. -Rio Here are your links: Pro-Active Healing From A Break-Up http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=695430&postcount=1 The Physiology Of Love Emotions http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=690284&postcount=1 NoFoolin's Guide For The Long Walk http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=56954 1
starr3546 Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Hey what is up? I think first off a lot of your problems with dating and finding a date have to do with a few things here. 1. I think from your break up, your confidence is low. Try working out and doing something that makes you feel good. If your not feeling good about yourself then it is going to be hard for someone else to. Which brings me to part two of your question, why can't i get a date? 2. Well again, ithink it might have to do with your confidence and self esteem. Meeting people is a tough road, especially after a break up. If you are going out and aren't feeling particularly sure of yourself, or if you think that there is something wrong with you, let me tell you...... you are pretty much reflecting it everywhere you go. Nothing is more appealing than someone who thinks that they are something wonderful. Not over confident or over cocky, but believing that you are a amazing individual and projecting that to the world..... I always tell my friends when they are down in the dumps and not feeling great about themselves...that, a person who is absolutely gorgeous...a 10 could walk into a room, and be an 7 because they don't project smiles, an open stance, and no self esteem....But on the other hand a person who is a 7 could walk into a room and have their head high, stand in a welcoming stance, make eye contact and smile, and people willl see them as a 10...and will get hit on more than the girl who is a 10! If your not feeling good about yourself, no one else will feel good about you either, especially in the first stages of getting to know someone!
Author kjo314 Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 I still don't know why the ex does things like this.... she wants to be my friend....... She talked to her friend again... and said the same thing...... she wants to talk to me but she is afraid tha her feelingsf ro me will return and she doesn't want a realtionship.... I feel like she is being a big pussy....i don't know... why do people give into fear so easily..
CaliGuy Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 I'm trying to date as well and man, finding a good woman is hard. My Ex wasn't perfect, but I loved her. The women I have been meeting lately are 'duds'.
jerbear Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Yeah I reakon girls say they don't know to try and be nice but in the end it just makes things worse. Gets worse and suck the guy in deeper and be lead on. When the girls try to be nice but end up making it worse.
jerbear Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 I still don't know why the ex does things like this.... she wants to be my friend....... She talked to her friend again... and said the same thing...... she wants to talk to me but she is afraid tha her feelingsf ro me will return and she doesn't want a realtionship.... I feel like she is being a big pussy....i don't know... why do people give into fear so easily.. fear is part of a defense mechanism. Push a person into a corner and they might come out fighting for their life. Friendship does not happen easily when one has romantic feelings for the other. I got a call two days ago, she said she missed me and was thinking about me everyday and how I was doing. I called her back and said fine, keeping busy and thought of her. She was surprised that she called me and that I returned her call. I was scared and elated when she called. She said she wanted to be friends and I denied it. I told her I cannot be friends when I have romantic feelings. She backed off and said I think of you everyday and miss the daily chats. She said she can't have a romantic relationship with anyone including me; she wants to take a month off but can't. She said she'll keep in touch and won't cross the line, I said to her in time but only she can cross it. Offer is still open and that I can't be friends with someone I have romantic feelings for. We ended it at that. Pretty civil I think. Long story short, you are not alone. My suggestin is to take time away. Don't maintain a friendship you can't keep. She either has to respect it or you will have to get nasty with her.
riobikini Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 CaliGuy, There are a lotta 'duds' out there from both genders. Unfortunately. Now I'm sad. -Rio
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I'm trying to date as well and man, finding a good woman is hard. My Ex wasn't perfect, but I loved her. The women I have been meeting lately are 'duds'. <Sniffle> We're not all duds.
Author kjo314 Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 Guys... what should I do???? Am I still doing the right thing???? ANy ideas on hwo to attract some women and to show some more... interesting things about me... i am chubby and I am trying to work on that but.... it goes slow... I hope I am doing the right thing... Cygny...reply if you are readin this.... everyone else as well...
jerbear Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Guys... what should I do???? Am I still doing the right thing???? ANy ideas on hwo to attract some women and to show some more... interesting things about me... i am chubby and I am trying to work on that but.... it goes slow... I hope I am doing the right thing... Cygny...reply if you are readin this.... everyone else as well... Have you ever had a dog? If so maybe you can train seeing eye dogs. It is a BIG responsibility. Gives you more borrowed charm while gain more responsibility to take care of another's needs. What kind of women are you trying to attract? Have a good conversation piece or topic where you can be proficient in. Learn the difference between Monet and Manet; and brush strokes. If you are trying for business women, do more business networking, political women, volunteer on a campaign. Professors, take some classes. Or if you are more progressive; seek an image consultant. I've asked my friends on comments for me to improve on; most are criticaly and brutally honest. Take one issue and work on it.
Author kjo314 Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 I don't really know what kind of woman I want... i guess i want to kind of play the field and see what comes up... but I don't know how to get them out on dates that is the problem...
jerbear Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I don't really know what kind of woman I want... i guess i want to kind of play the field and see what comes up... but I don't know how to get them out on dates that is the problem... Nothing wrong with that. Go out and enjoy yourself. Do you have any interests? horse back riding, water sports, golf, clubbing, reading, etc... Goto a club with friends and slowly start to chat to a girl. Don't expect anything. goto a country club and learn to play golf. Like books, join a book club. Like knitting, join a knitting club. volunteer with a group like Habitat for Humanity. Might learn some skills for fixing the house later on.
riobikini Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 RE: KJO314: " I don't really know what kind of woman I want... i guess i want to kind of play the field and see what comes up... but I don't know how to get them out on dates that is the problem..." Dear KJO314, There is a method to this madness, -a way to make sense of the 'how-to' part of it and experience a little more success. Since you really don't know what type of girl you are interested in, you are going to have to choose what hobbies and interests you already have, to begin with, that are high on your list of 'fun things to do'. Even better, would be to have the desire to develop more interests and hobbies. Explanation: Categorize your interests and find events, venues, organizations, and private member clubs, etc. at which, surely, females will be present. Or do it all backwards: if you think you might like brainy women, -look for things to do and places to go where 'brainy' people flock. If think you might like artistically or culturally-inclined women, find an art show, music event, or acting theatre and get involved. Same thing with sports, if athletic women are on your 'maybe' list. There are all kinds of ways to meet people whom you think you might be interested in, but it always helps to know a little something about the event, venue, or hobby, -only then can you be more comfortable in striking up a conversation with someone. Contrary to what we've normally been programmed to think, it's the small stuff that does count here, and small conversation doesn't have to be particularly clever nor cute, -only genuine. No speeches, no pick-up lines, no jokes, -just you. If more men knew this bit of information, men and women, alike, would suddenly hear the sound of a big 'whoosh!' from finally, thankfully, being socially decompressed. Hope this helps. You'll do fine, -but remember what I said in my last post to you: work on the confidence thing by getting to know yourself better, and making certain you are truly ready. (Smile) Take Care. -Rio
Author kjo314 Posted February 6, 2006 Author Posted February 6, 2006 Man.. it seems like I have been in this funk... It really doesn't affect me to much till I sit down then I realize that it does..... How can I get out of it.???
Recommended Posts