fooled Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 Yup. I did. After seeing her on the street Sunday, I figured I was strong enough to say HI, cause we are going to see each other - fact. I instant messaged her. She said it's probably not a good idea for us to talk. But we did. I got my questions answered - albeit indirectly. Without the blinding, crushing devastation of discovering her cheating - I was able to listen to her continue to lie. I came out of the conversation with a sense of calm. I am sad - but I don't miss "her." And I think now I'm ready to let her go. I don't recommend this for everyone - but it may have done the trick for me personally. Or maybe not - we'll see. Only time will tell. Tomorrow - the month anniversary of our breaup - will be my new Day 1 of NC.
UT_longhorn Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 fooled. i know that feeling. something that you feel like you HAD to do. I did it 3 weeks into my NC after I saw her. I guess it didnt help that she called like 3 times. But after we spoke...her answer was CLEAR. And I think you now have some closure to move forward. After a month of NC, this wont set you back too much. I honestly think that her being that way to me helped me move forward faster. And although technically it is your 1st day of NC tomorrow, your month's worth of progress and healing is not lost.
Author fooled Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 Yes, I actually do see more clearly now. Not clear - just more so I hope CG doesn't disown me.
pippen_2k Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 If your gonna preach NC, back it up! Its time to walk the walk.
CaliGuy Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Yes, I actually do see more clearly now. Not clear - just more so I hope CG doesn't disown me. Nah. You gotta do what you gotta do. If that's what it takes to gain closure and as long as you realize it sets you back to page one. Personally all the closure you need to know is that she is a cheat and a liar. She will do this to every guy, not just you. When you decide you deserve better, you'll find yourself letting go much easier. Good luck to you.
Author fooled Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 Well, it didn't set me back to page 1 - but maybe page 2. What I felt last night and am feeling this morning is a tremendous amount of anger. I really don't miss her anymore, which is good. I'm just really angry - which my therapist told me yesterday morning that I need to address. He says I've been repressing it. I didn't sleep much - so today I'm exhausted and its mixed with anxiety. Pippen - you are correct. I thought I was stronger. I f***ed up and touched the fire. Hopefully dealing with this anger - which I may not have done earlier - will help me move away from her now. I will document my progress for all of our benefits.
Author fooled Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 Learned yesterday that she is away this weekend with one of her other guys. Not from her. I doubt I've mentioned this before, but both she and I have a degree of notoriety within a section of the entertainment industry. That's why it is inevitable that I cannot avoid knowing her whereabouts occasionally. I am contacted by organizers of events and films and am told "so and so will be here and X and Y and Z, etc". I'm feeling a lot of jealousy and anger today. I've had to drive by a lot of places that remind me of her - especially a hotel where I first suspected she cheated. The dreams I have had this week all involve her coming back to me - and me not being able to deal with the past cheating and lying. I am experiencing a lot of anxiety during the day. I certainly don't feel the pain I did the first week - or even the second. I was pretty crippled then. I don't feel like I miss the life we had. I definitely feel like I don't need her in my life. But I can't exactly place where I'm at - besides the anger and fear.
Author fooled Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 Yes I am, CG - he says I've been repressing the anger. He suggests writing about it, which I've been doing - both here and in a journal. I also told her about the anger I feel towards her. It's really hard - even during the near month of NC - to keep her totally out of my life.
travellingman Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Tomorrow - the month anniversary of our breaup - will be my new Day 1 of NC. When I've had to go NC in the past, I've rewarded myself at certain milestones - even hourly ones when it was getting tempting.
Author fooled Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 NC for me is going to be less difficult this time, I'm sure.
In Sync Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 NC for me is going to be less difficult this time, I'm sure. fooled may I ask you something? what exactly do you miss about your ex. If there's anger you feel betrayed? Because she cheated on you, correct. But what made you fall for her? Because in reading your post it's apparent you may have accepted its over but you haven't let go. What did she represent for you during the good times?
Author fooled Posted February 5, 2006 Author Posted February 5, 2006 fooled may I ask you something? what exactly do you miss about your ex. If there's anger you feel betrayed? Because she cheated on you, correct. But what made you fall for her? Because in reading your post it's apparent you may have accepted its over but you haven't let go. What did she represent for you during the good times? I ask myself all the time what I miss about her. Her wit, charm, the fact that we are both so closely tied in our careers, the feeling that she loved me. I know the latter is false. In fact, when we spoke, she told me she loved me - and I said that people who love each other don't seek out other sexual/romantic interests. What did she represent during the good times? the same as most everyone here - that she would be my life partner. I think I mentioned that the day I found out she was cheating - she was talking to me about moving in together. You are right, I.S. - I do feel betrayed. I hate that I temporarily forget or forgive her lies. I am reminded of them -both by friends and myself. I have accepted that the relationship is over now. I think that I am not accepting that she won't change. EDITED TO ADD: What I am feeling today is a tremendous amount of jealousy.
In Sync Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 I ask myself all the time what I miss about her. Her wit, charm, the fact that we are both so closely tied in our careers, the feeling that she loved me. I know the latter is false. In fact, when we spoke, she told me she loved me - and I said that people who love each other don't seek out other sexual/romantic interests. What did she represent during the good times? the same as most everyone here - that she would be my life partner. I think I mentioned that the day I found out she was cheating - she was talking to me about moving in together. You are right, I.S. - I do feel betrayed. I hate that I temporarily forget or forgive her lies. I am reminded of them -both by friends and myself. I have accepted that the relationship is over now. I think that I am not accepting that she won't change. EDITED TO ADD: What I am feeling today is a tremendous amount of jealousy. You hit the nail on the head! It's jealousy that's at the root, not so much anger. The jealousy is what has you still hanging on. Yes you accept the relationship is but it the jealousy that makes us not let go. All the things you've listed that you miss in her are qualities which, in time you will find in another. SO not to belittle what she gave you, it's your jealoulsy that is rearing it's ugly head... She was not betrothed to you. Indeed she may have told you she loved you, but that doesn't exclude that she didn't or wouldn't ever have desires for someone other. We all want our mates to want us exclusively, because that makes us feel special. That their love and affection is only for us...the minute we face reality that we are not the only object of our loves affection we feel valueless...why? We feel betrayed. BECAUSE WE WANT TO FEEL EXCLUSIVE...is it possible that tying ourselves to that idea is the road to our downfall in the relationship. We are expecting and putting our happiness in that one person by making them say to us, I want only you. AND on top of that expecting them to live up those words. Otherwise we are hurt and crushed. If I've learned one thing by being on LS, aside from strict strict NC I have learned that words from a lover are to listened to with a smile and not a signed contract. Because words today may change tomorrow. Everyone (myself included) has quoted how much their ex's have told them how much 'they said they loved me' or 'how much they care' ...when we all feel good in lust or infatuation we all say alot of things... but hanging on to those words are pointless now, sort of dust in the wind. 2
Author fooled Posted February 5, 2006 Author Posted February 5, 2006 I really like you, In Sync - I'm glad you're staying with me in this thread. I do put too much value in words. I think most of the people here do. And that is the reason for NC. So we will no longer be affected by the words. That was a poignant and insightful post. Thank you.
In Sync Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 I really like you, In Sync - I'm glad you're staying with me in this thread. I do put too much value in words. I think most of the people here do. And that is the reason for NC. So we will no longer be affected by the words. That was a poignant and insightful post. Thank you. It is my pleasure to share and ponder these questions here, because I have them floating around in my head and heart and who better explore these thoughts than with those who can appreciate where I am coming from. I understand you and you understand me, already we've a bond. I guess since words are what we go by when we connect with a new love interest I suppose I wonder how do we step back and not become swept away by false promises when in our hearts we want so much to believe their words their words their flattering words. Of course if I accept the endearing words of my x at the beginning you can understand why I became hurt later when his words were less endearing and more hurtful and critical... I guess the trick to resolving being dettached from the words of our lovers without being swept away completely is to walk around with mini lie-detector kits, eh, maybe not...
Author fooled Posted February 5, 2006 Author Posted February 5, 2006 And how do you not believe the words of the next one? I was already in deep when my ex's actions revealed her true nature. She was good - a real pro.
cygny Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 good insights in sync--but if i accept the notion that i am not special to my love interest, ie he likes other women just as much as he likes me, i doubt that i would like him much in the first place. i don't think i would let myself get 'hooked' in, but rather view him from the outset as a plaything. i'm not sure why i am like that. rationally it doesn't make sense. perhaps i am too romantic.
cygny Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 And how do you not believe the words of the next one? I was already in deep when my ex's actions revealed her true nature. She was good - a real pro. unusual in a woman too. i keep wondering how she could spread herself so thin--it takes alot of time and energy to have so many guys on a string.
newbby Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 i too had a brief encounter with an ex. sometimes these encounters remind us of where we really dont want to be again. (not saying i recommend it either, necessarily). i think it is very difficult not to get carried away with words of love and those feelings of being special, unless you really work on operating outside of the ego at all times. a good practise perhaps.
Author fooled Posted February 6, 2006 Author Posted February 6, 2006 unusual in a woman too. i keep wondering how she could spread herself so thin--it takes alot of time and energy to have so many guys on a string. She meets a lot of people thru work and keeps in touch via email/myspace/IM. I understood that. However I didn't know the nature of the conversations. I just assumed it was work. I had no reason to believe otherwise. The rest just happened when it happened, I guess. We did spend a lot of time together. But I work a lot. And sometimes she would "spend the night at her sister's/parent's." I'm feeling sick just thinking about that. Stupid jealousy again.
In Sync Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 good insights in sync--but if i accept the notion that i am not special to my love interest, ie he likes other women just as much as he likes me, i doubt that i would like him much in the first place. i don't think i would let myself get 'hooked' in, but rather view him from the outset as a plaything. i'm not sure why i am like that. rationally it doesn't make sense. perhaps i am too romantic. I'm not saying we should go into any romantic relationship with doubts on whether our partner don't regard us as anything other than exceptional, but I do think we all have this common experience of shock when we are hit with a fact like finding out we are no longer loved by the same people who only shortly before told they love us and a double shock when we find out they've transfered that love to someone else. We basically are in shock because we can't accept that we are no longer their one and only in their eyes. WE IMAGINED WE COULD NEVER BE REPLACED IN THEIR HEARTS. And they did. So I'm wondering is it because we are unrealistic by romance and expectations, Does being in love come to mean that person belongs to us only? And does that thinking lead to our extreme disillusionment when we get hit with being replaced so easily by that person who said they loved us. How do we juggle the idea of romantic you and I love and only have eyes for each other with the gut wrenching truth that one of the partners may decide 'uh I can't keep that promise forever...'
cygny Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 I'm not saying we should go into any romantic relationship with doubts on whether our partner don't regard us as anything other than exceptional, but I do think we all have this common experience of shock when we are hit with a fact like finding out we are no longer loved by the same people who only shortly before told they love us and a double shock when we find out they've transfered that love to someone else. We basically are in shock because we can't accept that we are no longer their one and only in their eyes. WE IMAGINED WE COULD NEVER BE REPLACED IN THEIR HEARTS. And they did. So I'm wondering is it because we are unrealistic by romance and expectations, Does being in love come to mean that person belongs to us only? And does that thinking lead to our extreme disillusionment when we get hit with being replaced so easily by that person who said they loved us. How do we juggle the idea of romantic you and I love and only have eyes for each other with the gut wrenching truth that one of the partners may decide 'uh I can't keep that promise forever...' I'm not sure whether the roots of this thinking are biological--ie only if we really believed the relationship was exclusive and semi-permanent, would we 'feel' confident enough to breed and have children, and take care of them for 20 years. the other side may be egotistical. if part of us believes that the love of another validates us somehow as worthy, then wouldn't the removal of that love also invalidate us? is that why it is so painful?
Author fooled Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 I haven't broken NC again - it's been 9 days - but just had these feelings and figured I'd update on this thread. I hate that I see something that she likes, like watermelon - and I think of her. Or when I see something I know will interest her. I'm really angry today. It's all over other threads.
cal gal Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 I haven't broken NC again - it's been 9 days - but just had these feelings and figured I'd update on this thread. I hate that I see something that she likes, like watermelon - and I think of her. Or when I see something I know will interest her. I'm really angry today. It's all over other threads. Hey fooled, Be proud of yourself, nine days is better than none.I understand you feeling angry, but maybe it would help if you distract yourself by doing something fun..... It's a beautiful day out, go to the beach or ride a bike? Don't let her get the best of your mood or she wins! Sometimes I see you being too hard on yourself and possibly you just need to give yourself a break. Keep the chin up! You'll do fine.
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