My story & an unsent letter...

[adesiretoreply]

Good evening to all.

I feel as if my story can not compare. Such hardships we must endure before we learn...

 

Me=34 - Divorced, 2 beautiful daughters.

 

Her=25

Never married. Lives alone with her son. Had been in in a relationship for close to 5 years with a man 20 years her senior when we met. Supposedly ended things one month after.

 

Neither of us expected anything to evolve into what it did. For the 1st six months, everything you would expect in a realtionship was there... family, friends, special occasions etc. All that changed one night after I droped her & her son off at her place after dinner. The plan was that I was going to come back later because I had plans to see friends for a couple of hours and she wanted to clean her place up. So around 11pm, I called. No answer. Maybe she is just expecting me to show up like I have done in the past... so I thought. When I arrived at her door, I noticed a pair of men's shoes... it was her Ex! Needless to say, she was still seeing him behind my back. I lost it. Knocked until she came down... with him. I confronted and spilled my guts. He had no idea who I was. All that time, she kept me hidden... and lied to me about the true circumstances. Crushed, that I was. More so after seeing her take his side. We didn't speak for over a week afterwards. Then, decided to meet and talk. Sparks flew and once again we were together. Difference being, I knew her ex was still in the picture. So for the last couple of months, I have been a secret... hidden from her "other life" including her family. She tells me she feels guilty and almost obligated in staying with him. She's confused... affraid. He is also very much involved with her sons life. He pays for much. Plans ski trips with him... picks him up in the morning and brings him to school etc.

 

Many times since, I have been told that she wants to be with me... that she never saw a future with him etc. I can see the whole situation is making her feel anxiety but at this point and time, there is no progression. We are at a stand still. I've let things slide far too long. I've also made mistakes... I spied on her just recently and got caught.

 

Anyway, I'm thinking it would be a good idea to end things now... NC.

What are your thoughts? Here is the letter I plan giving her... thanks for reading.

 

 

XXXXXX,

 

I had this incredible curiosity, almost morbid, to know the truth. I desperately wanted to trust you… to believe you were going to act on what I was led to deem you would do. So I resorted to spying. I realize it was a huge mistake. Lowering myself to that level to gain some trust… to protect myself from future harm and from the pain I underwent in the past. My trust was broken and I thought you should have been fully accountable… accepting my need to confirm and reassure myself. Obviously I know what I did was wrong… I violated your trust and your space. I am accountable as well. As you said, I had a choice to either accept it or leave it and my actions afterwards only worsened our chances.

 

XXX, you have my word… my “Pinky Swear” that I will not meddle, spy or pressure you ever again. Please know, I did not intend on causing any of the dire feelings you have been subjected to. Never have I seen you as a possession… in fact, I always loved your independence and your free spirit. I know now that there was nothing I could have done to elicit change. I can only generate changes within myself. As such, I must take a hard look at the choices I made that led me here in the first place. You needed time to figure yourself out. I wanted to give you that and tried my very best. For some reason, hopes and expectations were shaped… not by you, by me after our so many failed attempts after succumbing to our desires. I yearned (& still do) to see you smile… to hear your voice… to smell your fragrance… to feel your touch and to walk out your door wearing last night’s clothes.

 

As paradoxical as it may sound, my letting go of you may have allowed this to turn into bliss a lot sooner. Now I dread that my worst nightmare may have come true… losing you for ever. But I was weak; I had already had a taste of what the future could have been and saw how it was slipping further away. My grasp, too tight. I feared that I would be missing out on a wonderful chance to be happy… also, to make you the happiest person alive. I’ve always been the persistent type - one who goes after what he wants. If only I listened to my head instead of my heart… my approach wouldn’t have been so erroneous. But then again, the many pleasures experienced afterwards would not have been. How I wish we could go back in time… to erase all the mistakes and to have what once was.

 

Now my heart aches and numbness dulls my mind. You are gone and I am left dejected with an emptiness, a void which love once filled. For now, I must leave you to yourself. Maybe I'll see you in the distance… another time, another place. My mind will not forget you and my heart will, too, remember every moment meant to last. Your absence will remind me of how close we use to be. Who can say what lies ahead…? I'll see again, your pretty face… your magnificent intellect… your beautiful soul… because our time has not come due. Maybe another time… another me, another you…

 

Forever loving,

[whichwayisup]

You need to focus on your own daughters, live for them right now. You seem like a good guy and you don't deserve this crap from her. She isn't and hasn't been 100% honest with you. She has TWO men in her life. One for security & safety and another for excitement and feelings. I don't doubt her feelings for you, but I doubt her integrity as a woman to follow through on her word. Her truth.

 

As for the email...YOU have done nothing wrong so stop taking so much of the blame. She is the one who cheated on you, lied to you and is keeping you in the dark...Or shall I say, now it's out in the open because the older guy now knows about you...She lied to him and probably still is too.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is end it and walk away. You're too old for this high drama and she is young. Not that THAT is an excuse, but she has SO much growing up to do.

 

Go with your heart on the email, I can't tell you if it's right or wrong...Just don't feel so bad about spying on her. She led you to that because of her dishonesty. Her lies and how she made you feel. You trust her less, you question her and wonder...

 

The pain you're feeling is felt through your words...I'm sorry for that and I hope you get through this. Stick to your guns on this NO CONTACT thing. If she truely wanted just you, she would be with just you and not with him as well. He is a part of her life in so many ways, a safety net almost and until you're gone out of her life, maybe then will she realize what she threw away.

 

Keep posting and venting...

[newbby]

firstly, DO NOT SEND THE LETTER.

secondly, dont beat yourself up for spying, but you are correct in identifying that you have a problem in this relationship if it causes you to act in this way. if you feel like this in a situation then it is up to you to leave. dont bother explaining yourself to her, what is the point in that? you feel that you have maybe messed something up with your behaviour and the whole letter is trying to explain yourself and justify it. well the situation was already messed up. she lied to you and she is with somebody else, whats to mess up?

her position is probably understandable, but it is not for you to try to understand at this moment. what you need to do is remove yourself from it. both physically and emotionally.

do nc, it is hard at first but in time you will see things more clearly and not just through your pain.

[adesiretoreply]

Thank you “whichwayisup”… thank you “newbby”. Your words ring so very true. I decided to end things after much reflection last night. She already knew what to expect since I mentioned it a few days ago after our little incident. This breakup has been the topic of our conversations for the last little while anyways. Both knowing it is the best thing to do, we agreed to meet today so we could part on good terms. We had a fantastic day. It almost felt like nothing had changed or was going to… Some seriousness, some laughter, some food, some drinks… needless to say I won’t divulge what happened afterwards at my place. Rest assured I do feel kind of guilty about it.

 

Anyway… as I was driving her to her son’s school, she questioned my stance. As hard as it could possibly be, I stood my ground and told her that I wasn’t going to go back on my word. She then responded with: “It’s not like we will never see each other again” hinting that we will be together someday after making things right on her end. My response again, was firm. I do not expect to see her again. I don’t think she anticipated that. The sadness in her eyes was apparent. After much hesitation, she prepared to leave. Her son was waiting for her. As she was getting out of my car, I gave her a “modified” version of the letter after which she then asked if we could keep in touch via email. I told her she could email me if she wanted to but not to expect a response. We kissed goodbye and that was the end of it.

 

I understand how hard this will be to get over. No doubt I’ll be going through many different emotions. But right now, I’m actually feeling good about myself. A hard decision but a good one. Hopefully it will be a few more days before this all kicks in. I’m hoping to have a good weekend. Many thanks again for all your support. I’ll keep updating as things progress.

 

Good night.

[whichwayisup]

You've done the right thing...As painful as that was. You stood your ground and didn't cave. That must have been really hard to do, but you did it!

 

You have a good attitude going, so keep busy, focus all that yukky energy into something positive, your daughters! Go do something really fun and spontanious! Surprise them!

[newbby]

well done!

a small warning:

it is much easier to act when you know that you are getting a reaction from it. you have done very well, but, you will need to keep up the strength for a while when you are not seeing her reaction, not knowing whether she cares or not, is missing you or not.... that is when the greatest strength is required.

[D-Dan]

Much as I hate to be the one not to congratulate you - your tale seems all too familiar, and the sentiments in the letter seem to constructed. This is not a criticism.

 

I've been there, and done the same thing, and on reflection, I, too, constructed something that should have been heartfelt but was, in reality, meant to illicit the response I desired.

 

I don't believe you will stand by your own convictions. And I think you have more heartache to come because of that. Remember, I am not criticising, but merely speaking from my own experience.

 

The problem you have at the moment is that you ask for advice, knowing full well that if the advice is not what you want to hear, you won't take it.

 

I hope you get what you want, and I hope you come back if you don't. Next time, you will start to listen to what people have to say. You will cry, and you will hurt - but you will start to mend, and eventually, the pain will go away.

[adesiretoreply]

D-Dan,

You are right about me wanting to illicit a desired response. Part of me wants so badly to know that it wasn't just a sham. I hold on to hopes and dreams but know that I must not... how will I move on? So many "What if's" going through my mind... it's driving me insane. This site is helping me though. I see how I must not hold on to any thoughts of having a future with her but it's hard. Almost unbearable right now. You have all been there and your words of wisdom are certainly welcome. Whether or not I will remain strong, I'm not entirely sure. One day at a time I suppose. Anyway, she emailed a letter today. For now, I will not respond but would like to know your thoughts and opinions.

 

Here it is:

 

Your letter makes me cry, I feel so sad and astray, but still it comforts me at the end because your thoughts and emotions resonate with mine and make me know that you'll understand me.

How can I legitimately apologize for my part in this agonizing roller coaster of emotions? I haven't been able to show to you anywhere near the depth of my remorse, uneasiness, guilt about having had you endure this... while something you don't need to be told is that you don't deserve for your friendship and intimacy to be repaid so sparingly. I'm sorry that in most of our disagreements lately (because they really are almost all about the same thing), I appear indifferent, cold, and uncommunicative. The reason for this impersonal behaviour is that I feel stunted and tongue-tied, perplexed by my actions and the logic behind them, which sometimes seem beyond reasonable explanation. I just continue on without taking time to try to understand my feelings... life's become a series of reactions based on instinct and impulse without cohesion, without an overarching plan or goal. Cliché, but it feels like my childhood nightmare of being forced to drive a car without knowing how and somehow continuing to be able to just barely avert disasters and keep the speeding car under control.

 

You compliment me too much and give me too much credit. I'm failing to even conduct my life with order and dignity. These past months have seen a devolving of my character and the moral and psychological strain has been sucking me dry. To see myself fragmented like this is scary. Never has this side of me been so brazen and sustained for so long that I'm afraid if I don't repair myself now, I'll be undone for good.

Truthfully, I've lived in perpetual fear since November, never being able to shake the anxiety of something like that happening again. You're right... something did change at that point... you became threatening, even menacing at times in my mind's eye. Not to say that in reality you were or meant to be but in my exaggerated fears I felt trapped, hunted, pegged by my wings to a board. Recently, this feeling has intensified to an almost unbearable level, eating away at the feelings I have for you (although it seems that no matter what you or I do, I forgive you and you forgive me). To stop seeing each other like this is too stop transforming ourselves into people unworthy and questionable. For it to come to that makes me sad and ashamed because we got along so well together and shared true, uncompromised affection and respect at one time. It should have stayed at that, or even only at the point of the shadowy potential of the thing, but not this... this deconstruction of our characters, entangled in anxiety, deception, suspicion. How could we do this?

I hope that by standing apart my vision will uncloud, that I'll be able to search the horizon on all sides and think logically, clearly, and conscientiously if for nothing more than my own peace of mind.

 

You know you'd make a great boyfriend with your tender romantic love... with it, you filled a yearning I had for a connection like that, for close friendship and romantic love that was unexpected, sprang naturally from its source, and flowed unbidden. Love that resembled those in favourite books, movies, and poetry and the kind I dreamed of with certainty when I was younger but that I was beginning to realize was more of an anomaly than I thought. My fixation on my desire for this made me mostly restless, sad, unfulfilled.. maybe made me seek you out. I have created more good memories with you than I have with anyone in so little time, although lately these only make me sad because they're representative of a happy carefree time that fittingly coincides with the most radiant seasons of the year. These last couple of months have been dark ones... maybe you have no idea how unhappy I really am. Feeling like I've had my wings clipped and am doomed to stay exactly where I am, in static limbo where I'm fastened with many feelings, expectations, and obligations (my own and those of others). When I was a teenager my ruling desire was to be free! I ran away from the unsettling dullness I feared and the rules of others that tried to keep me fixed there. I couldn't wait to be old enough and in a position to do whatever I pleased, wherever I wanted, express myself however I liked, and above all have fun! I believed I would create a life containing all the excitement and freedom that I imagined should constitute a life. But look at me now... feeling self-imprisoned in some ways... so soon have I lost the will to defy it?

 

The best memories I have are of the summer and fall. Before November, before you began spying. The first time I was aware of it was October 23 and until that point I thought things were progressing (albeit slowly). After that, the anxiety and resentment began to build and I mistrusted my feelings of wanting to be with you.

I miss those feelings of happiness and promise I used to have about us... they're still there but seem distant and unattainable, more like fantasies. The most recent one is a scene in my mind of you holding me while sleeping in my bed in my new room (painted pale yellow) at dawn on a summer morning... the windows are open to the birds and the curtains flutter. Its peaceful because there's certainty that the day will unravel slowly and easily.

But its still winter and like you said, This isn't a break and who can say what lies ahead? For now I suppose I'm relieved just to have room to think, to see things more clearly, and to be able to think of you again in the old way.. You say your heart will remember every moment meant to last; mine will too. They already swirl around my head and bring tears to my eyes. First kisses, first touches, the misty morning walk to retrieve your watch, the windswept deserted patio at Westboro, all the breakfasts, lunches, dinners, the chatting, the time you came to Galilee and to the house on the Madawaska (Neil Young and the early morning swim) Thanksgiving and St. Sauveur, all your little notes and all your Christmas gifts (too many but so thoughtful), the three uninterrupted days we spent together, Christmas shopping and the 'Family Restaurant'... there's so much to ache about and put into perspective..

 

I'm sorry to have hurt you the times I did. You must know that I never meant or wanted to. I miss what was and seriously hope that your feelings for me won't ever change. Please continue to see the good parts of me. There's no way I'll forget.

[newbby]

my thoughts on this are: its over. do nc. dont respond to this letter.

[D-Dan]

I hate to say it - but it sounds like a goodbye letter. She has things on her mind that she can't resolve without time and room to resolve them.

 

I think you do too.

 

You don't need to move on just yet. You need to grieve for what you've lost. Once the grieving ends, then the moving on can start.

 

You should do as she asks. Remember her fondly, and try not to taint the memory with the what ifs. It seems you were lucky to have spent a brief, but powerful time with her. We all know that those times don't last. Sometimes, teh relationship matures, and sometimes it just runs its' course.

 

Circumstance dictates that yours ran it's course. Don't look back with regrets. Look forward knowing that you had something special.

[whichwayisup]

That was her closure, saying all that she felt, in her heart...It is over now and you cannot, I repeat, CANNOT reply to that letter. If you do, the emails and feelings will just continue.

 

Her heart is broken, as is yours...Close that door and never open it again. It's the only way for her to heal and get over the feelings she has for you.

 

Look back and smile one day, that you had something amazing, something you'll always cherish...

 

This is what happens when the heart gets confused and loves two people. One person gets the short end of the stick and both hearts get broken...

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, please take care of yourself. Keep posting, it will help you lighten that load too.

[adesiretoreply]

I'm feeling pretty down tonight... and lost for words. A big part of me is sad because I not only feel that I've lost out on love but also the friendship we shared. I was asked before if we could keep in touch in the event that this would happen. At the time, I didn't think I would want to but now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's best I leave at that...

 

Anyway, just thought I'd check in.

 

Goodnight.

[D-Dan]

I know I've had all the negative things to say on this thread, but here's a positive for you. Tho' it's not something that will happen right now.

 

I've been in love precisely 3 times in my life. The first (and last) time was to my childhood sweetheart. We rekindled our love (for an all too brief 2 years) after a 20 year gap in between. She's my soulmate, my confidant, and the women I call when I'm low, just need to talk, or need advice about women. She's the one who's always there for me. Not lovers anymore - but she will always be my best friend.

 

The second was my ex-wife. I don't really care to be in touch with her - nor her with me.

 

And the third I'm chatting with on MSN right now. She has a new man, and is planning her whole new life. I'm there to support her, and as a virtual shoulder to cry on when she needs it.

 

Now none of this happened overnight. We all had to get past our feelings first. And that means a period of absence, but I wouldn't sacrafice the close bonds and friendships I have now for anything.

 

This could, and probably will happen to you - if you take time to let the dust settle.

 

I'll remember you in my prayers.