Author cezanne Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 All that is really good practical advice ... KKat ... looking at your threads your own story is scarily similar to mine .. in so many ways ..I could identify with so much .. even him getting angry at you when dog died! .. but at least you understand how hard it is to break away .. even while reading your story I can see so clearly how distructive it all is but it is just so hard in the long term to stay away. Just wondering where you are now in your life --- we about the same age ..
cygny Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 I broke away from a marriage of over 10 years, and that included a fairly good friendship and the business we had built together and both depended on financially. it was very very difficult to break away but i knew i had to. it meant recreating my entire life. I actually moved to the other side of the planet and also started seeing a counselor who would keep me on track, because we normally talked on the phone several times a day. One day, I decided I was strong enough and went no contact--still had to deal with the divorce which was not easy. be glad that you are not entangled in those ways--it is relatively easy for you to find a new job. I know how hard this will be, but yes, I am very glad i have my own life back. I am much stronger now and while i've enjoyed men i don't take second best from anyone.
zoey15 Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 I couldn't help but post what I thougth of this situation of yours.... You are 40, you are the OW, and will never be anything else to this man... Do you want to wake up at 50 and still want to get out? You can't live without him, is this man food? No he is not. You are making excuses for yourself to be put through this torture. So if you keep finding excuses, then you deserve to be going through this. Anyone can find another job! By you saying you can't is just ludacris. Maybe if you find one first, then leave your current job. He used you for 14 years, use him until you find all angles covered. So keep him around w/ out telling him of your decision until you are completely ready. Then say your goodbye and go! Aren't you worthy to feel free, free from all the pain he's caused you? You mentioned he never bought you anything, yet he makes a lot of money. So he basically had a woman who would waste her years to have sex with, cry with, laugh with, go on trips with and he didn't have to do anything in return but be there. Not even a flower? What about for your birthday, didn't he get you anything then? Are you getting this? He is so not worth another 10 years. Find another job first, cut him off, then leave! Change your number, move to another city. There are plenty of jobs in other cities. You just need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and do it! You think you two are completely in love. Well if you leave without a trace, would'nt it be nice to see him go through all the searching to find his true love. That's the real test...would he do it? Hmmmmm, I wonder!! It's extremely hard! If breakups weren't hard, we'd all be doing it on a regular basis. If you don't have friends, find a support group you can go to. I know their out there. Stop torturing yourself. Live your next 30-50+ years free from secrecy and pain. Only you can make choices, make the one that will give you dignity!
Sami_D Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 cezanne... I read your story and I'm so glad that you have found the NEED in you to move on. That is the real thing that matters. But more than that, you've gone in search of ways and means to help you... you're doing all the right things for YOU. Best of luck in finding your way out of this... I know you will. 1
newbby Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 cezanne... I read your story and I'm so glad that you have found the NEED in you to move on. That is the real thing that matters. But more than that, you've gone in search of ways and means to help you... you're doing all the right things for YOU. Best of luck in finding your way out of this... I know you will. excellent post sami, you have seen right to the heart of the matter.
curly Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 I would like to pose a theory about why he invited you to the awards show. Maybe he realizes that he has wasted your time. You've turned 40. He's seen you since you were 25. I'm sure he cares about you at this point. Maybe he doesn't have the strength to leave you either. But he wants you to leave him. What better way to make you realize that you have no real place in his life then to wach and listen to the celebration of his life with his wife and family? Just a theory but maybe he was being cruel to be kind. Showing you the reality may give you the incentive to find your own life without him. By the way, does his wife know about you? I can't imagine that he's so good that she doesn't suspect something. I guess she accepted this situation as is a long time ago and is willing to live this way. How sad for her as well. My exMM's wife knew about me and wanted me gone from his life but never confronted me. I think she just was waiting me out. Sadly, he did leave her and then left me shortly thereafter. He's just so messed up in the head. Yes, I know, he's probably on his way back to her... but that would be her mistake to take him back. I'll never be with him again. I could never trust him. Anyway, just wanted to pose a theory about the awards night. Hope you're doing OK. Keep posting. We've been there and gotten through the separation anxiety. It does happen.
newbby Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 yeah. or maybe it just didnt enter his head that it would be upsetting at all. men are more simple about things. he probably just thinks that because you continue with the situation, it means you like it, or dont mind it and therefore would realise that part of the situation means accepting his marriage and all that goes with it (like mentioning his wife at awards ceremony). at the same time he probably genuinely wanted to share it with you aswell. i honestly think its that simple for him.
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 You have to say goodbye to him. He's living a lie, a double life and seems he cannot choose who he'd rather be with, so you are there - A part of his life and know about his wife...His wife (I assume is unaware of you) thinks all is OK and her hubby is happy and things are fine. And it's not. That is a lie. He's keeping you on the side, having his cake and eating it too. You need a man to share ALL your life with, not just part time. Ofcourse ending it will hurt and you may need therapy to help you cope with it and be able to go on without him. You deserve So much more than he is offering you. Take care, gather up the strength to do this. He knows it's killing you but he can't end it either. IF you want a life of your own, a chance of finding a man who will be with just you, walk away from your MM forever. 1
Ladyjane14 Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 yeah. or maybe it just didnt enter his head that it would be upsetting at all. men are more simple about things. he probably just thinks that because you continue with the situation, it means you like it, or dont mind it and therefore would realise that part of the situation means accepting his marriage and all that goes with it (like mentioning his wife at awards ceremony). at the same time he probably genuinely wanted to share it with you aswell. i honestly think its that simple for him. I'm in agreement with Newbby. I doubt that it ever occurred to this guy that he'd be upsetting you by inviting you to the awards ceremony. That ought to tell you something about how well he knows you after 14 years. How 'in tune' can he be with you if it never crossed his mind that you would feel disconnected, observing him from the periphery of his life? This is a hard TRUTH....but actions have no words to lie with. His "action" tells you that it's all about HIM, what he wants, and what he needs. YOUR needs did not even occur to him. You are left out on the fringe. I don't doubt that he'll use his words to backpeddle once he realizes what damage is done. But if you'll keep watching his actions...you'll see the truth. I'm not an OW. I've been married for over 20 years, and currently happily so. But there was a time not too long ago when I felt what you feel now....that I'd wasted too many of the GOOD YEARS in my life on a man who didn't deserve my expenditure. It's a crummy feeling. But isn't it incumbent upon you, once you've reached that realization....to ACT on it? Otherwise, you are complicit in the continual WASTING of your time. You have a relationship in which your ENs (emotional needs) will NEVER be met. The MM has TWO women working to meet his ENs....but you and his wife are each only getting HALF of his effort. Neither of you will get your needs met. I think that what you saw in this incident was the very stark truth of that. Your relationship needs CANNOT be met by this man. If you were 'single' that probably wouldn't bother you too much...but in a way, you're not "single". You're living in the space between the life of a truly free single woman and one who is committed to a relationship.
Guest5 Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 How can you think this guy truly loves you when he lets you waste most of your life (the most vital years of your life) waiting on him knowing he's never going to leave his wife. You have been a puppet to him and still are none the wiser 14 years later. Your chance for a real marriage, kids etc are pretty much down the tubes because you let those vital years be wasted into a man who was already taken. 14? My god. You must be desperate.
Author cezanne Posted February 8, 2006 Author Posted February 8, 2006 I hadn;'t checked in for a few days and was beginning to weaken .. so these last few posts have given me a reality check ... |Back at work today ... I managed to avoid him but it made me realise how hard this is going to be ... I have an urgent urge today to make him realise what a self centered person he is being ... to be honest newbby hit the nail on the head .. when she said that he really doesn#t realise how that party could have affected me so much ... . you see he really believes that i understand the situation and therefore know how tied his hands were and it is ME who is not being understanding here ..... I am not putting my head in the sand on this ... I think whatever love he has for me it is just not enough and I will not go back to him .. I really won't but I have a very basic need for revenge .. and the only revenge I need is for him to beg me to come back and to say no ... .. I do believe that you cannot treat another human being the way he has treated me and get away with it ... am totally aware of my own part in this story ... but I just am in state of shock that since that party he is treating me like I am the one who did something wrong .. After all this time I really need to send him email to make him think about his treatment of me so can any of you advise me what to write .... I will only send one email so I want it to be concise and thought provoking ... this will be my last request of you all .... and thank any of you who took your precisou time to write ... if you only knew the boost it gives me .. thank you.
Sami_D Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 cezanne, hello again. What is it you want to happen as a result of the email..? closure or something for you..? Or something that he does, or realises..?
cygny Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 i always thought the best line that both concise and thought-provoking was: "you are a cunt." however you probably don't want to use that here, lol. but seriously, in these kinds of situations, *less* is really more. don't be polite and don't explain. and often, nothing is the best--you leave them hanging and wondering forever and forever...
No Stress Lady Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 You have to say goodbye to him. He's living a lie, a double life and seems he cannot choose who he'd rather be with, so you are there - A part of his life and know about his wife...His wife (I assume is unaware of you) thinks all is OK and her hubby is happy and things are fine. And it's not. That is a lie. He's keeping you on the side, having his cake and eating it too. You need a man to share ALL your life with, not just part time. Ofcourse ending it will hurt and you may need therapy to help you cope with it and be able to go on without him. You deserve So much more than he is offering you. Take care, gather up the strength to do this. He knows it's killing you but he can't end it either. IF you want a life of your own, a chance of finding a man who will be with just you, walk away from your MM forever. Excellent advice from WWIU Cezanne. I strongly recommend you do not email him - instead just write everything down, exactly how you feel, exactly how angry and hurt you are. Do this whenever you're tempted to email him. Emailing him will make you feel a million times worse - the best revenge you can exact is to be dignified, to ignore him as much as possible and to express all those emotions to a counsellor, to a friend, here on the forum or on paper - each time you've written all your painful/angry feelings down try to see it as those destructive bad feelings leaving your body - every day you'll feel a little bit better. And you must keep busy if possible - join a gym, go to the cinema, go out with your friends, visit your family, take a holiday if you can - getting away from things can really help and a change of scenery and some sun will make you feel so much better. I know how angry you are but you have to channel that anger into positive energy. It's time to move on - what's done is done, now it's time to make a fresh start. I wish you the best and remember you can always post here whenever you need some support. Good luck
Walking away Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 I agree with all of the posts. I am in the process of leaving my MM. I was only with him for 6 months, but the pain got to be too much for me. Anyway, it has been a slow process. I see it as taking ten steps forward and nine steps back....However, I am consistently and slowly (too slowly in my opinion, but nevertheless, slowly) walking away. I am heading in the right direction and I find that not having contact with him is the best way. The seduction of a MM is strong, but I, and others who have walked in my shoes, got to the point where I could not tolerate the triangle any longer. Have my feelings changed towards him? Unfortunately, no, but I am working really hard at getting him out of my head and heart. What we have/had is an illusion. And that is why I am leaving. I guess it is my self respect and self esteem screaming out that is isn't good...Anyway, listen to these ladies...they are a wealth of good information...
Allegrokw Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 I feel so bad that all of us have gotten ourselves into these messes. It's been 3 weeks of NC with MM and I am beginning to have a few good moments. After 3 years and all of the hell, back and forth - yo-yo stuff, I realize that it's better to be without him than to hurt the way I was. So sorry that you spent 14 years there. If it worked at one time, then cherish the memories. It doesn't seem to be working now, so it seems like time to move on. The only way I can see that happening is absolutely NC, or if it can't be avoided, then remove all romantic, dependent, loving thoughts. Think about something that really deadens your senses when you see him. Like a really bad movie or book. And try to smile as much as you can. Fake it if you have to. And know that we are all here to support you. I am very near your age, so I can really relate.
Author cezanne Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 I have to take on board that everyone has given the same advice gut I am overwhelmed with urge to send email ...you see after 14 years it has just ended now too quickly ... All I want to get across is that while everyone is entitled to end a realtionship surely he owed me a phone call .. an email ..... and that he is very lucky to walk away with his life totally entact ... he knows I have never told anyone ... just a short goodbye note to make him feel ****ty ... To be honest I am totally shocked that he has not contacted me since that bloody award party ... this is totally out of character ... for the last 14 years no matter what row we had he physcially was not able not to make contact ... I think that he was so revered that night ... he still getting congratulation cards ... the only negative was my reaction .... I get the impression he is in a very cocky place at the moment ... Now maybe I should just wait because mark my words he will be back ...because it will probably only be then he will actually read my words. I send him a text to say I had to leave the party distraught and why had he insisted I go to witness that ... and totally unlike him nothing back .... I then sent email the next day to say " where the person I know etc .. how heartbroken I was etc .. " .. which I have NEVER EVER done before ... and he sent a one liner to say ... "Just don't know what to say .. what else could I have done .. sorry you so upset .." and nothing since .... I know that a lot of this is my pride but I just need to say something and then I promise I will completely move on because the greatest present he has given me is that there is no going back after this ... thanks ..
cygny Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 nah cezanne, better to wait til he contacts you. then tell him to f*** off and leave you alone, because you've moved on.
Sami_D Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 nah cezanne, better to wait til he contacts you. then tell him to f*** off and leave you alone, because you've moved on. I agree with this. He sounds like it's all ok with him as long as you are 'happy' to be the quiet OW who was always accommodating and never wanted anything from him that he couldn't easily 'give'. Now you are needing something from him... it's all too hard for him. Don't go asking him for anything (explanations, apologies, agreement that he's acted badly), because he'll just keep pulling away and you're going to feel terrible. I'm SO glad that you've seen this... and that you want it all to be over.
Author cezanne Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 So do I just let him get away with it then ..
Sami_D Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 So do I just let him get away with it then .. Well cezanne, as I asked in an earlier post... what exactly do you want to get out of writing this email. If you could put that into words, then we can look at whether or not those outcomes will happen... Or whether you're just going to end up feeling worse than before. Like I said earlier... if you're just wanting to get a load off your chest and don't care what his response is... then maybe it would be good (for you) to send it. I don't give a monkey's whether he 'gets away with it' or not, what I care about is what's going to happen to you, and how you're going to feel after sending whatever it is you're thinking of sending.
Author cezanne Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 Sami D .. I want him to realise that he owes me a bit more consideration... ...that of all the people in his life why on earth would he want to hurt me by this calleous behaviour .... he has often told me I have got him through the most difficult times of his life .. which is actually true ... I have only ever been kind to him and I am totally baffled by this recent behaviour ... it is so out of character .... I need to remind him that I have been the kindest most supportive and LOYAL friend and that this No Contact without as much as a call or email is cruel to a person who just does not deserve it ..No man would do this in a non secret relationship It is so out of character I can only presume he is either angry at me for making him feel bad about his bloody party ... ..or thinks I have "brought this on myself" to use one of his regular expressions .... and doesn#t actually realise what he is doing ... anyway one way or the other there is no going back but i need to shock him into realising I deserved more at the end. I could have destroyed him with one phone call and he knows I would never do that .... So that is what I hope to achieve ... closure i suppose ... or I take cygny advice and just wait for him to contact as he will trust me ..... and then tell him all the above ..... I also should mention that he knows this is a particular emotional time of my life as something has happened a family member and because of this i am even more baffled ....
cygny Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 cezanne it will be much more effective if it comes in response to contact on his part. you will be sure that he is ready and listening then. telling a man he owes you such and such doesn't really work to make them feel guilty. they brush that stuff off and blame you instead. i wrote an email in response to a jerk once and ended it with the words i suggested and it has always made me feel good and 'closed'--about it all. that i got my last lick in and had taken control and ended the whole thing in a strong way. i had 3 short paragraphs in front of those words, but i have often wished that i had cut it back to just those words. it is way more effective with guys. less is more with guys. otherwise you dilute the message. if it makes you feel better you can come up with something like, you think he's a misogynistic a**hole or something on that level and throw that in there. believe me it gives you a great deal of satisfaction.
Sami_D Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 OK, so you want him to realise that he owes you some consideration. You want him to know that he has treated you unfairly. You want an explanation for his behaviour. You want to know whether he understands how much he's hurt you. To me, there is too much here that relies on his response. You are asking for explanations, perhaps apologies, some admission on his part that he has behaved badly. Do you think you will get those? How will you feel if you don't get the responses you want? I was thinking that you should wait until he contacts you, and then send this email. But if you do that... and he gives you the consideration that you think you deserve (as he might do, if he's feeling he needs you again)... then where will you be?
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