Other woman addicted to MM

[cezanne]

I have been in a relationship with a married man for the last 14 years .. am now 4o .. I already know better than anyone what a waste for time that has been but I physically cannot leave this man .. he is the love of my life and even if we were not together I cannot imagine myself with anyone else.

 

But now as much I as love him and feel loved by him I cannot continue to be second fiddle anymore .. i no longer enjoy the amazing life we lead as all I want to do with him is to watch tv .. cook dinner .. and have someone to share the ordinary things in life . Something happened recently which highlighted the big nothing I really am and it brought things to a head ... so at this time I am in a bit of a state ... I don't want to go back to that life ... .but I can't live without him and yet nothing will ever change and as I write this I am waiting for his phone call but really want this time to be different which is why I am telling this story for the first time ever. Nobody can tell me anything I haven't already told myself .. that he has the best of both worlds .. what a selfish person he must be etc .. but I just can't seem to move on.

 

We have worked together for about 15 years .. were placed on projects together and fell head over heels in love .. we really are to this day "just mad about each other " .. we really are .. we see each other every single day .. we talk ninety to the dozen .. we laugh and laugh .. we cry .. we like all the same things .. it really is one of those tragic situations .. he has always been there in times of need .. like when my parents died he just dropped everything and even when I have been upset at something lesser like a row at work so I can't claim not to have that type of support. We manage to travel a lot together .. have had the most amazing trips .. this relationship is a complete meeting of minds .. not primarily sexual.

 

So what about his wife... well because we worked together I have been integrated into the family but have tried to stay away as much as possible .. and instead of berating me ... it makes everything much harder for me to bear but it also means that I would never suggest he leaves her or his children as I can see that it is just not an option . It really is impossible to leave a marriage unless it is unbearable. He says he wants me to be a part of all of his life ...I know all his family and friends ... nobody at all knows about us so I feel that there is no humiliation for her. And I really really believe our relationship has in fact kept them together and made him nicer to her if anything. He is quite wealthy so she has a good life but he has never spent a penny on me .. something that has always hurt me ...

 

I don't need an analysis of my situation but what I really really need help with now is how to break away ... I cannot leave my job as we work in a specialised area - because of this big secret I more or less have no close friendships anymore and he is the centre of my life and the one and only person to know absolutely everything about me .. that is so hard to give up. I light up when he speaks to me .. when he rings .. I am empty without him .. I truly love him and I am in no doubt he truly loves me, even though I am sure I will be told he doesn't .. believe me he does .. but can justify it all in his head .. ( not saying this right though ) .. because I am the one he loves he thinks I am therefore the lucky one!! ...

 

It has been off before .. I have done everything I can to get away including leaving my job .. but then couldn't find another one so had to go back .... moved areas ... but we always end up back together. Sometimes in life you meet one person whom you can get through just anything with and we are that person to each other. So how am I going to stay away from him ... I am a distant person .. people annoy me at the best of times ..I am not being dramatic saying I will not meet someone else .. I really don;'t think I will but yet I cannot do this type of relationship any more and I don't want to be just a friend .. and him leaving is just not an option... far too many people would be hurt ... and to be honest I can't even be 100 percent sure I would want that .. I am so used to my own ways now ....will I just slit my wrists now and be done with it ... or can anyone out there see another option i just can't see. By the way for my own family reasons leaving the country not an option for me either ..

Help me someone ..

 

 

cezanne

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[quankanne]

there's an amusing Southern saying for situations like these: Shxt or get off the pot. You claim that you are unable to give him up. Maybe it's time to start demanding that you become his primary mate and that he leave his family. After all, you've invested 14 of the most productive years of your life (as in having kids and still being at an age where your age doesn't scare off most men), and you deserve something much more than being his secret mistress.

 

if you cannot bring yourself to make these demands, then it's time to walk away for good. Unless you prefer to live this lifestyle until your dying days, that's your other option. Hard? Yes. Impossible? Not if you set your mind on the thought that you deserve much more from your life than what you've settled for.

[incognito]

there's an amusing Southern saying for situations like these: Shxt or get off the pot. You claim that you are unable to give him up. Maybe it's time to start demanding that you become his primary mate and that he leave his family. After all, you've invested 14 of the most productive years of your life (as in having kids and still being at an age where your age doesn't scare off most men), and you deserve something much more than being his secret mistress.

 

if you cannot bring yourself to make these demands, then it's time to walk away for good. Unless you prefer to live this lifestyle until your dying days, that's your other option. Hard? Yes. Impossible? Not if you set your mind on the thought that you deserve much more from your life than what you've settled for.

 

Well said.

 

 

You can live w/o him. You have to realize that every one of us here have, at one time or another, felt that very same thing. And every one of us has survived so far, no matter what stage of break up we are in.

[cygny]

I agree with the other posters.

 

What is very obvious in your post is that you know you should leave but you don't want to and are rationalizing it--so basically you are talking yourself back out of it.

 

It will take an enormous amount of resolve, determination and emotional strength to get out of this relationship. I don't think you have it in you.

 

Until you show that strength, this man is not likely to feel like he has to choose between you and his wife.

 

You have allowed yourself to become completely dependent on this relationship for everything except money. So that is the only thing you have going for you right now, is financial independence, which is not a small thing. Start with that as your strength.

 

Make a once and for all decision to break away. Move away, get a different job and don't kid yourself that this will be easy. Resolve this time that you will see it through. Find new friends or go visit family for awhile. You simply will not be able to break away without going into a 'no contact' situation. it will be like withdrawing from a drug addiction.

 

But the good news is--this is completely doable. Normal people do it all the time. This really is the only way to salvage the rest of your life for a normal relationship with a man who can put his full attention on you in a relationship. Up til now you have just been satisfied with a 'partial' relationship.

[Ladyjane14]

..I am not being dramatic saying I will not meet someone else ..

 

Well, you're DEFINATELY not going to meet someone else unless you open yourself to the possibility of it. Maybe the key to unlocking your cage is to consider the "possibilities".

 

When you allow yourself to be trapped in a relationship that is going nowhere....then you're going NOWHERE. No surprise there.

 

But worse still is that you've allowed no room for possiblilities in your life. Just possibly....there IS a man out there somewhere who is ALL ABOUT cooking dinner and watching TV with YOU. How will find out when you're in this dead-end relationship? Your attention is diverted from the possibilities presented to you in every other guy you meet.

 

Why not take a little time to think about all the other guy's that you've met in the last 14 years. Which ones were kind of cute? Which ones made you laugh? Which ones peaked your interest....if only just the tiniest little bit?

 

Now, what if you had NOT been committed to the MM? Would you have perhaps explored a little more. Maybe had a coffee with one of those guys? Maybe even taken in a show or gone to dinner?

 

These are little things, but they can develop into so much more. If you've been denying these things to yourself, maybe a good start would be to STOP doing that.

[whichwayisup]

Something happened recently which highlighted the big nothing I really am and it brought things to a head

 

This jumped out at me. Big time!

 

YOU are special, you are important and you are a somebody! This MM has made you feel less than that. One day when you're ready the right man, a single man will love you and fullfill ALL your needs.

 

He isn't the right person for you. Though he makes your heart sing, he isn't the one...If he was supposed to be with you, then he would have left his wife already. After SO many years, why hasn't he left...

 

You need to start looking for other work. Talk to a headhunter, get your resume out there...Once you quit that job, it will be easier to get over him.

 

Keep busy, dont' focus on him at all.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[cezanne]

Thank you for replies ... actually reading them made me wonder if this is exactly what I need to help me stay away this time. Remember I have never told anyone any of this before so nobody has told me this very basic stuff! ...

 

Trust me re the job ..I can't leave .. left before for 8 months and almost went under .. I was very lucky to get job back at that time .. they came looking for me and I swore to never let him do that to me again. So if anyone has any tools I can use to break away from someone in my face every day .... also remember I am trying to break away from someone I can trust with my life and who is so familiar to me, someone who is supportive of every area of my life and who worries about me. ( in every other way!!) These are not excuses .. the mind part is made up this time and your replies have helped me on that score but I have to realistic .. I need more than to make my mind up ... I have been there before . I need any advice anyone can give on the practicalities of actually doing this.

One thing I do plan on doing is reading your replies over and over again ... the more I realistic I am the better. You are right to say I talk myself out of it .. I probably do because this is the perfect relationship in every other way ... and I am also giving up a lot .. it would be stupid to think it easy.

Bottom line is that I know when I am out of this emotionally I will probably never forgive myself for selling myself so short. So please support me. and thank you ...

[curly]

The key to finding and getting strength is that it comes afterwards. After you're better, you realize how strong you were.

 

You've spent so much time on this man. I'm sure he cares for you and loves you but only to a degree. He does not respect you. He doesn't respect his wife. He doesn't respect himself.

 

There are no magic words to say to you. You know what you must do. You know that you can no longer tolerate this situation. It is abusive and requires you to lie to yourself to justify staying with him.

 

I think you would benefit from some serious therapy. You must change your behavior. You're going to have to change yourself entirely. A therapist will help you do this in a healthy way.

 

I wish you the best of luck. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Take the step and never look back. You must love and respect yourself now. Not him. He is not worth sacrificing your life. That is what you have done. He knows that but allows you to remain trapped by him.

 

Be good to yourself.

[serial muse]

I feel like I'm just repeating what other posters have said, but it bears repeating: you have to go to no contact. That is absolutely the best and most practical advice that anyone could possibly give you.

 

NC is essential, to break the addiction. Fourteen years is a long time; breaking free of this relationship when you see each other every day is far too much to ask of yourself.

 

However, you CAN find another job. You're probably understandably conflicted about that. I suspect you were the last time, too. Reading your post suggests that even though your mind knows it's the best thing, your heart isn't on board yet.

 

But it's essential to go through the motions. Deep down, you know this isn't good for you. Trust that feeling. Do what must be done, though it hurts to break free. But a clean break is by far the most effective and surest way for you to heal and move on with your life.

 

Your life is yours, not his. Take it back and refocus it. It does not revolve around this person, much as it may seem to. These are choices you can make, and you do have options. You can do this.

 

I could say other things about the relationship itself, based on what you wrote - things that, a few months after you've left, you might come to see more clearly. The bottom line is that you feel he's the love of your life, but he has two loves. And there's no reason you can't do better than that. That is the bare minimum. But, I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, and perhaps the practicalities should take precedence. Leave first. The deconstruction can come later.

[cezanne]

I cannot thank you all enough for taking the time and trouble to send these replies .. I think they just might be the crutch I need to make the final jump ... I almost feel I can't let you all down!! ..

Anyway I took this week off work .. am back next week so worried about that a bit ... Let me tell you all what brought it to a head ...

 

He received a prestigious award last week and a party was held to celebrate .. I knew there were going to be speeches etc and did not want to go but he insisted .. saying questions if I wasn't etc .. anyway did go and while it was the most hurtful night of my life it was always a turning point ...His family central .. and speeches how wife best ever etc ..it was as bad as it could get .. now in fairness he did not mention anybody ... but where was I - down the back ... now put this in context .. my first phone call every day is about 7.00 am ..second about 7.45 and so on .. I ask whats he having for breakfast .. he asks me what will he wear today ... we ring each other after every phone call we make to relay the conversation ... we just could not be closer .. whenever we have rows .. he rings and rings and rings .. and guess what I have not heard from him since award night .. this is a first in 14 years. I had sent him an email when i got home to tell him I had to leave distraught .. he simply said he didn't know what to say .. what else could he have done. Maybe he has had a reality check of what he doing to me .. and the best thing that could happen would be that he would walk actually but I also know he too selfish to do that.

Anyway thank you so much for letting me finally get this all off my chest .. I also think good suggeston to go see someone this time .. I have to make this time different .. and you right .. the mind is totally there .. but the heart isn't . However I think that cermony has brought us to a point of no return. While I know I can be strong for a good few months .. I am more worried about the long term ... I am afraid that I will weaken towards him long term. have any of you walked away after a very long relationship with MM and how did you cope ..

[incognito]

Trust me re the job ..I can't leave .. left before for 8 months and almost went under .. I was very lucky to get job back at that time .. they came looking for me and I swore to never let him do that to me again.

 

 

I honestly can not believe that this is the ONLY job in the whole wide world that is available to you in your chosen career!!! Seriously.

[Ladylay]

My Aunt has been the other woman for forty years.I am not kidding.

She met this man at work he was her boss. He never said he would leave his wife and children,who were young at the start of this affair.[They are now both grown and have left the nest]

She left the job but continued the affair .Months turned into years, we all know him in our family call him uncle ***.

He is an integral part of our lives and has attended most of our family functions.

She has no part in his life apart from the time he gives her.

Our biggest worry as a family is that if he were to die, she wouldn't know. Would not go to the funeral.

You are young enough to start again. Don't settle for second best.

She does not think she has wasted her life btw

[LBC]

My Aunt has been the other woman for forty years.I am not kidding.

 

 

She does not think she has wasted her life btw

 

that is amazing that some people have the power and strength to be inlove with more than one SO. Personally I dont think I could, short affair maybe, but 40 years. WOW.

[Ladylay]

that is amazing that some people have the power and strength to be inlove with more than one SO. Personally I dont think I could, short affair maybe, but 40 years. WOW.

I dont want to hi-jack cezanne thread but 15 years is a long time.

 

I just dont want her to end up like my aunt.It is easy to fall into a rut and look in the mirror one day and think "life has passed me by".This realization hit my aunt at 50 believe it or not!When his second child left home.

 

She had a mini breakdown and realised as much as she loves *** He was never leaving his wife. He never said he was, she just hoped that once the children became adults he would be with her.

 

Ten years on she is still the O.W. He is still with his wife, he has the best of both worlds. I love this man btw he has been a part of our family for as long as I can remember. However I hate the fact my aunt has never had kids or another relationship.

I feel she deserves and is worth so much more.

So are you cezanne

[foolinlove]

Cezanne,

I can relate to your desperation of wanting to move on, but not knowing HOW!! I also have been involved with a MM for YEARS.....your post made me have anxiety because at 25 I would HATE to see myself seeing him as a MM.

 

I'll tell you what works and what doesn't work. First off, if you are uncertain if you want a life with him or not..take time to come to that conclusion. If the answer is yes you do, then you need to tell him that if he wants to continue this relationship then he has to leave. Let him digest that...give him time...let him give you a answer...yes or no.

 

Yes he does, then great...the two of you set a timeline together in which this will happen. If he strays from the timeline...you walk. If he delay, postpones etc.....you walk. Realize it is a LONG process..and if you can deal with the ups and down of a divorce....then its worth a shot. I myself gave my MM that choice, he moved out, is working on filing...god knows it hasn't been easy...but i have faith in him and us.

 

No he doesn't....you walk. THAT Simple, and then not. You change the way you communicate with him..and you get YOUR LIFE BACK! You do things for yourself, you establish new and rekindle old friendships. You see other people (down the road, let your heart be ready). And you focus on YOU. Not how he is..or how it is effecting him, because i can be certain, that when he crawls into bed at night with his wife, he isn't concerning himself with YOU. Recently, I got involved with a community drama club. We preform our play at the end of Feb, practice 3 nights a week. This allowed me to focus on something other than my straining relationship. Read self help books, get involved in a art class, excercise class.....let me tell you what endorphins does for the heart....and your self esteem. Do things for YOU. And above everything else..you turn to US....people who know the ups and downs of dating a MM. WE will help you thru this...WE will listen to your day.....WE will encourage you to keep moving forward with your new found life...because WE care.

 

I really feel for you....because i know what it is to love someone regardless of their status. You don't want to be here in another 5 years....trying to get on with your life..you deserve to be happy. With or without him...the choice is yours..and frankly you don't sound happy.

Best of luck...keep posting and WELCOME!

[newbby]

yet you say that your aunt herself does not feel she wasted her life.

[newbby]

cezanne, it is difficult if the situation is not making you unhappy, but rather making you happy. it is usually only when the bad exceeds the good that the ow manage to move on. if you are determined to do this then my advice would be to just try to enjoy the challenge of it. it is a personal goal of setting yourself free, and it is exciting, isnt it.

[cezanne]

Thank you .. I think I have realised reading your reply that even if I do believe there is only one love for me and even if I believe I am better off with a part time true love .. the bottom line is that I am not happy selling myself so short .. not happy being a secret .. that party really brought all that home.

I actually think Ladylays aunt was probably right to stick with it though.. because by that stage she had a lot invested - it does seem like a true relationship and in fact she also has the best of both worlds now! but is it where I want to be in 20 years time. I truly know I don't .... but to repeat myself I total confident of staying away in the short term .. but will I be able to resist long term or if I run into tricky times and need a true friend. I really am weak where he concerned and remember I am totally addicted to him. Nobody lights me up .. makes me laugh .. etc like him.

The head is willing - and I have got to keep that dominant. I think every time I weaken I will just read this thread .. it has given me a jolt I have not had before.

I really think you are all very kind to take the time to reply so please be assured they just might change this girls life.!! ..

[cezanne]

PS .. what do any of you think of him insisting I go to that party where his family life was celebrated ... as I think it the turning point for me. If that party had not happened I don't think I would be thinking at this level, so it turned out to be a positive I hope. But do you agree that he terribly mean to me not to protect me from that and just let me hover down the back with the waiting staff .. not check if I OK ...

[cygny]

it sounds to me like he wanted the ego boost of you seeing him get the award. and he treats you like a plaything, or 2nd class.

 

i think this is what has woken you up, right?

 

i think you're fooling yourself if you think you can keep working with him and break this off. you need to recreate a whole new world with new friends and new environment.

[cezanne]

Yes I can see you are right ... I am going to make a realistic long term plan to change jobs .. thank you. and you are right about the fact that night did wake me up ... I just hope it not too late .. I feel stronger already in these few days .. ..can't believe the power of the replies .....also decided tonight if I feel myself weakening in the long term I will just come back to the site ...knowing that crutch there is so empowering.

Can I take it that all of you have your love lives sorted or are you on the site for your own troubles ...

[newbby]

it sounds to me like he wanted the ego boost of you seeing him get the award. and he treats you like a plaything, or 2nd class.

 

i think this is what has woken you up, right?

 

i agree with this. and...

but to repeat myself I total confident of staying away in the short term .. but will I be able to resist long term or if I run into tricky times and need a true friend.

im sorry, i must have missed this.

just concentrate on right now, before you know it right now will have turned into a few months. the feeling of freedom you will gain and the options opening up to you will not be apparent at first, but will be a gradual realisation. the more time that goes by, the clearer the relationship as a whole will be to you. you think you are addicted to him, because you have made him the centre of your life. you can easily change that, just focus on something else. have some fun aswell. go on some dates, feel great to be on somebodies arm in public without being hidden away.

[Ladyjane14]

ijust concentrate on right now, before you know it right now will have turned into a few months. the feeling of freedom you will gain and the options opening up to you will not be apparent at first, but will be a gradual realisation. the more time that goes by, the clearer the relationship as a whole will be to you.

 

I think what Newbby's talking about here are 'baby-steps'. What little step could you take TODAY...that will get you a little closer to your goal?

 

It doesn't matter what it is. It might be something as small as re-working your resume, or reading through the employment section of the newspaper. The point is that no matter how teeny your 'baby-step' is....it's still Proactive and moves you just a little further on down the pike.

[kkat]

I would suggest you consider making a commitment to some of the following steps:

 

1. Research love addiction and buy and read some books on the subject. You will be interested to hear how many parallels there are with your situation, your mindframe, and love addiction. Note this does not mean sex addiction, as I noticed you have been clear that your relationship is not sexually driven.

 

2. Find a local chapter of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and attend a meeting; many chapters host meetings specifically about "How to break your addiction to a person". You may find the meetings are not for you, but exploring it is a step to try.

 

3. Develop and commit to one new, ongoing activity that does not involve your MM and that you do not share with him. In your extreme situation, this can be something very small, since you are telling him everything you eat, do, etc. etc. The key with this activity is that it is a private part of your life that does not involve him. I would like to stress it can be small, since you share everything with him now, this will be a very private segment of your life.

 

4. Develop and commit to one new ongoing activity of substantial new direction for you, even if you do share this one with him in conversation, but something that DOES NOT include him actively.

 

5. Find a friend that you can do things with that is not him. Volunteer with an organization, take the same yoga or pilates class at the same time for a few weeks and friend up with someone, whatever you have to do...find a friend that can become an ACTIVITY PARTNER and also confidant for you.

 

6. Create a story in your head where you have a life without him, and where you are content and happy. Don't try to make it a fairy tale, just imagine a situation where you are neutral about him and you have happiness without being his mistress.

 

 

 

If you let him be your entire life, you will never leave him. Never. You have to create a new life for yourself outside of him, or you will never be able to imagine leaving him and staying away from him.

 

Now I have a question - you mentioned he is v wealthy, and you left your job for a bit, and almost went under financially (did I understand that correctly) -- Where was he in all of this - did he not offer to help you out financially or did he sort of stand by the side while you struggled financially?

 

Good luck.

[Ladylay]

yet you say that your aunt herself does not feel she wasted her life.

No she had a wobbly at one point, but now no she does not.

 

 

 

what do any of you think of him insisting I go to that party where his family life was celebrated

 

Either he wanted to give you a clear message i.e this is the real world.

You sitting at the back his wife by his side.

Or as you are a part of his working life, it would have raised questions as to your whereabouts.

I really feel sorry for you Cezanne. sending you cyber hugs.