3xbroken Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 Hello. This is my first post. I'm not happy to be here. But I really need some advice, and a friend suggested that I try to find the answers here. My husband and I have been married for 23 years. We have enjoyed a wonderful life, its had its ups and downs like any couple. He was my best friend. Last July I suspected that he was carrying on with a female co-worker. He talked about her too much and kept looking for re-assurances that I wasn't jealous of her or worried that they were working together (its a male dominated line of work) I got fed up with every conversation ending up being about this girl, and finally asked him point blank if I had anything to worry about. He didn't say know, he just said "come'on, you've seen her" and made a derogatory hand description of her large butt. But he didn't really deny it. Within the last 3 years we have been preparing for his impending retirement, this included building a very nice home in a beach community 2 hours from us (in another state). We use it right now as a vacation home, but we do have to visit it regulary to mow grass, etc. Anyway, one such weekend that I took our children to the beach house, I decided I had to have some answers, so I placed a voice activated digital recorder under the seat of his truck and confirmed that he was with her all of Saturday Evening, and most of Sunday afternoon. I confronted him and was told that yes, he had spent time with her, it was "nothing", they were just friends, and he felt sorry for her because she was new to the area, and new to the job and many of the men that she was working with didn't want to have anything to do with her because she was a female. We argued for 3 weeks, and I got promises that ended up broken. 2 months later, I had suspicions that the affair was still going on, and one weekend that I was supposed to take our kids to visit their grandparents while he went to the beach house to mow grass and install some light fixtures, I made other arrangements for care of the kids, and drove to the house. On the two hour drive, I managed to convince myself that I was being stupid he wouldn't do that to me, and I ended up having a nice romantic evening planned for the two of us by the time I pulled in the driveway. I entered the house to find her standing in my kitchen, at my kitchen table, folding her clothes that she washed and dried in my laundry room. My husband was in the bathroom taking a piss, with the door open (indicating a certain level of comfort with this woman if you ask me). I confronted him. He spent a few weeks begging me to forgive him, told me it was over, etc. He promised that I was the only one for him, and that he was really sorry that he f'd up and it was a mistake and it wouldn't happen again. I even made it a point to ask him how he knew it was over for HER, since he could only speak for himself. Well, an aquaintance ran into us two weekends ago, and said "hey, I saw you two walking at the state park last weekend!" It wasn't me, I had the kids at the other house. He didnt' deny it, instead all he could come up with was "oh, it couldn't have been her, she was at the beach house". Well, last year when I bought the recorder, I also bought a wireless internet camera. I had never even taken it out of the box. So I dug it out, and installed it in the beach house, jeez, it wasn't even hidden! The weekend that I installed it, I really didn't think anything would come of it because my husband was driving down on Sunday morning to join me and the kids, spend Sunday with us, and then Monday he was going to do some drywall work, and come home Monday night. I really installed it with a minds eye to the following week when he would be driving down on Monday and staying through Wednesday. Anyway, the camera has a URL that you can hit from any website. I hit it a few times during Monday, just to make sure it was working. And what was I treated to? a little show.... my husband and his girlfriend making love on the sofa of my beach house. Anyway, I love my husband. I don't want our marriage to end. I want to go to counseling, I want him to go with me and he has agreed to do whatever I want in order to put things back together. We are going to sell our house and move in order that she isn't going to be "around the corner" It will mean that both of us will have to commute to work, nearly 40 miles, a big change from living 1/2 mile from my employer. But I need to know that she's no longer convenient. They already had ceased working together, she was re-assigned somewhere else, so that's not an issue. My question really is.... as much as I love my husband and can see that he is in pain right now (not to understate the pain that I'm in) and want to comfort him, how in the world am I going to stop playing that video in my head. Every time he has touched me over the last few days, I see his hands on her breasts, etc. His lips on hers... you get the picture? Its a nightmare and I need to know how to turn it off.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 I have to admit....if something like that happened to me, I'd have divorced my husband out-of-hand. There is NO WAY, I'd have considered staying in the marriage. But since it's not me.... You might start by reading a copy of Surviving An Affair by Harley. Based on what you've written, I kind of doubt that this affair is really over. (Dr. Harley is the founder to the marriagebuilders website btw, which is also a good resource.) Based on your post, your husband never admits to more than what you've caught him at 'red-handed'. Unless his life is a COMPLETELY open book to you now, you can't be guaranteed that he's being honest yet. He's cried his crocodile tears before and each time you took him back. Why would he think that this time is different? The information in the book will help you to determine if you're making real progress as opposed to "false recovery". It will explain about affairs in general...how they happen, why they happen, how long they last; and it will give you some insight into the psychology of the wayward spouse. It will also give you a method for helping to end the affair if it is still ongoing. And if worse comes to worst....a method for moving on with your life if the marriage becomes unsalvageable. I wish I had some useful advice about getting rid of the "image" in your head. I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say. I couldn't have stayed in the game after that. 1
StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 You are braver than I am. I'm sorry to say that if it were me, I would be out the door and on to a new life, as scary as that may seem. I wouldn't be able to handle those images and I wouldn't be able to just erase them either. With that said I agree with Lady Jane on reading the book she suggested. She has suggested some books for me in my situation and it has really helped me learn how to deal with it. I understand that you love your husband and are trying to come to terms with what he is going through and that you sympathize with his pain; however, you need to concentrate on yourself. You can only control your actions, you can't control his. You can work on yourself, but he has to work on himself.
Becoming Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 Honey, I'd have that beach house in a divorce settlement so fast it'd make his lying a** spin. Truth is, you can't turn that tape off in your head. All you can do now is what http://www.marriagebuilders.com suggests in the infidelity section. What's it gonna take for you to know he's being honest and forthright? Get clear on that, know what you need to stay in the marriage and be able to eventually forgive, and make him adhere to it. In the meantime, hold onto all your evidence in case you need it, but I hope you don't. I also suggest you consult a lawyer just so you know the legal lay of the land and can protect your assets.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 Hello. This is my first post. I'm not happy to be here. But I really need some advice, and a friend suggested that I try to find the answers here. My husband and I have been married for 23 years. We have enjoyed a wonderful life, its had its ups and downs like any couple. He was my best friend. Last July I suspected that he was carrying on with a female co-worker. He talked about her too much and kept looking for re-assurances that I wasn't jealous of her or worried that they were working together (its a male dominated line of work) I got fed up with every conversation ending up being about this girl, and finally asked him point blank if I had anything to worry about. He didn't say know, he just said "come'on, you've seen her" and made a derogatory hand description of her large butt. But he didn't really deny it. Within the last 3 years we have been preparing for his impending retirement, this included building a very nice home in a beach community 2 hours from us (in another state). We use it right now as a vacation home, but we do have to visit it regulary to mow grass, etc. Anyway, one such weekend that I took our children to the beach house, I decided I had to have some answers, so I placed a voice activated digital recorder under the seat of his truck and confirmed that he was with her all of Saturday Evening, and most of Sunday afternoon. I confronted him and was told that yes, he had spent time with her, it was "nothing", they were just friends, and he felt sorry for her because she was new to the area, and new to the job and many of the men that she was working with didn't want to have anything to do with her because she was a female. We argued for 3 weeks, and I got promises that ended up broken. 2 months later, I had suspicions that the affair was still going on, and one weekend that I was supposed to take our kids to visit their grandparents while he went to the beach house to mow grass and install some light fixtures, I made other arrangements for care of the kids, and drove to the house. On the two hour drive, I managed to convince myself that I was being stupid he wouldn't do that to me, and I ended up having a nice romantic evening planned for the two of us by the time I pulled in the driveway. I entered the house to find her standing in my kitchen, at my kitchen table, folding her clothes that she washed and dried in my laundry room. My husband was in the bathroom taking a piss, with the door open (indicating a certain level of comfort with this woman if you ask me). I confronted him. He spent a few weeks begging me to forgive him, told me it was over, etc. He promised that I was the only one for him, and that he was really sorry that he f'd up and it was a mistake and it wouldn't happen again. I even made it a point to ask him how he knew it was over for HER, since he could only speak for himself. Well, an aquaintance ran into us two weekends ago, and said "hey, I saw you two walking at the state park last weekend!" It wasn't me, I had the kids at the other house. He didnt' deny it, instead all he could come up with was "oh, it couldn't have been her, she was at the beach house". Well, last year when I bought the recorder, I also bought a wireless internet camera. I had never even taken it out of the box. So I dug it out, and installed it in the beach house, jeez, it wasn't even hidden! The weekend that I installed it, I really didn't think anything would come of it because my husband was driving down on Sunday morning to join me and the kids, spend Sunday with us, and then Monday he was going to do some drywall work, and come home Monday night. I really installed it with a minds eye to the following week when he would be driving down on Monday and staying through Wednesday. Anyway, the camera has a URL that you can hit from any website. I hit it a few times during Monday, just to make sure it was working. And what was I treated to? a little show.... my husband and his girlfriend making love on the sofa of my beach house. Anyway, I love my husband. I don't want our marriage to end. I want to go to counseling, I want him to go with me and he has agreed to do whatever I want in order to put things back together. We are going to sell our house and move in order that she isn't going to be "around the corner" It will mean that both of us will have to commute to work, nearly 40 miles, a big change from living 1/2 mile from my employer. But I need to know that she's no longer convenient. They already had ceased working together, she was re-assigned somewhere else, so that's not an issue. My question really is.... as much as I love my husband and can see that he is in pain right now (not to understate the pain that I'm in) and want to comfort him, how in the world am I going to stop playing that video in my head. Every time he has touched me over the last few days, I see his hands on her breasts, etc. His lips on hers... you get the picture? Its a nightmare and I need to know how to turn it off. I'm with LJ, I'd be out of there. I'm sorry, I think he knows you're never going to leave him and that is why he continues to do what he does and lie. Moving will NOT do any good. You cannot police someone to keep them from cheating. This is not really about HER and her being after him- HE is the one that is not running. You're a smart lady. You had the sense to install the tape recorder- and the web camera and access it from the internet. I'd probably never be able to do that. You're smart enough to seek out some legal advice. Have your options available and your demands that you want him to meet. If he's not willing to meet them, then you have your answer. I'm sorry to say that I cannot help you with not being able to remember what you saw. Might have been a good idea to get a friend to look at it first just in case.
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