Lishy Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 I have been reading the threads on breaking up and all of the emtions we go through when someone leaves us! It has only just hit me that my ex had all of these feelings for me when I left him. He would call me begging me to go back,then he would get nasty,then he would tell me he hates me because he loves me so much and I dont care about him,He asks me why I hate him,He tells me he is happy now that he is used to being aloneThen he tells me he had a dream about me and gets nasty againHe rings me to blame me for everythingThen he rings me to tell me he knows it was not my faultAnd do you know how I felt whilst he was going through all of these emotions? I felt nothing! I felt annoyance that he would keep putting his crap on me, that he wouldn't let it go and that he wouldn't move on. I felt angry at all of the hurt he had caused me for so many years and he STILL wouldnt let me go even after a year apart! The truth is that I had checked out from that relationship a year before I left. I was so unhappy that when I left all I felt was relief. But When I read your stories on here I feel so sad that he went through that and so sad that he didnt just listen to me when I told him how unhappy I was and so sad that it had to come to this!
CaliGuy Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 He's passive/aggressive. Plain and simple. A bit hard-headed and confused as well. On a side note, Lishy, if you look anything like your avatar, drop me a PM haha.
witabix Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 Well you know Lishy, some people just do not want hear the negatives. They bury their heads and hope it will go away. I don't know about the avatar pic, but the slogan is way too cool!! Where are my ropes, cuffs and KY?
jerbear Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 He's passive/aggressive. Plain and simple. A bit hard-headed and confused as well. On a side note, Lishy, if you look anything like your avatar, drop me a PM haha.
Xillr8ng Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 My wife of 13 years married and 20 years together was the dumper 5 months now.She fell out of love a year ago I guess.She just up and left.Her clothes are still in the closet and all her belongings...Moved to girlfriends house with their family.No fighting between us but divorcing through attorneys.I have asked if she would consider us somewhere in the future but --I did not beg for her to come back.-I did not get nasty.(in fact I heard her car was broken and I paid the bill yesterday so when she picked up the 350 dollar invoice the mechanic said I paid it)She didn't even have the decency of a human being to call or say thank you!!!!"who is this demon that was once my wife!!???--I never said I hated her.--Ive never said I was happy being alone.--I do not blame her for anything.--I have DONE nothing bad or embarrassing like grovel.I have maintained my expressed love and kept my distance ,not asking where or who she is with.Not bothering her for three weeks of NC.Still after ALL this effort I am no more closer to saving this marraige than the man in the moon.
Author Lishy Posted February 2, 2006 Author Posted February 2, 2006 What do you mean, do I look like my avatar? That is a real pic of me - My friends tell me i am very 'animated' And Xill, nothing you will do or say will get her back if she doesnt want to come back - My ex in the last 15 months, has tried everything and to be honest if he flew to the moon naked on a banana I would not go back with him! He has tried no contact, screaming, shoutin, being nice, acting like a friend - Whatever he does will make no difference. The point I am trying to make is that when someone has checked out physically and mentally there is no going back, and there is no persuading - So if you have been dumped just live your life for you and dont worry about trying to do what is right for your ex - They may not care! I know that sounds really nasty but since I have realised this it has made my recent heartbreak seem a thing in the past! So even though you may not want to hear this, accept that that is how it may be for your ex and just LIVE LIFE FOR YOU!
Author Lishy Posted February 2, 2006 Author Posted February 2, 2006 Oh what a co-incidence - I have just had him ring me up and have a go at me because I called our son MY son - He then tells me he hates me and puts the phone down on me! God this man is like a rope around my neck!
littlekitty Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 The point I am trying to make is that when someone has checked out physically and mentally there is no going back, and there is no persuading - So if you have been dumped just live your life for you and dont worry about trying to do what is right for your ex - They may not care! That's a really good point. If someone has been pushed too far, they simply can not be won back. We all have our breaking point, and when it's broken, it's over. And it's very true that you can check out of a relationship long before you leave, making the relief felt greater than the greif when you finally do walk. When someone is in that place, there just no going back.
Art_Critic Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 God this man is like a rope around my neck! Something tells me he thinks the same about you.. There is nothing you can do to control his feelings for you Lishy.. He is all about control. He wants you to feel his way and do things his way and when he doesn't get his way he gets pissed at you..
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 to be honest if he flew to the moon naked on a banana I would not go back with him! That's probably wise... 1
sick of it Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 Im sorry to be "the other side"....but thats a horrible feeling knowing that your ex is "relieved" to be away from you. Thats so horrible to be done months or years before you break so that theres no possibility of another chance. its an incredible feeling knowing that someone is thrilled to be around you...but i think its 10x worse knowing that someone is thrilled to be away from you.
Xillr8ng Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 Lishy. It does sound like I'm up against the same thing.Thanks for the honesty.I have been so strong and focused on changing things for myself since she left.Never once said look at me or I ve changed she knows this.almost 6 months sober ,no cigs retired all of my old booze buddies.I have kept myself busy and my chin high until this incident where she outright ignored my attempt to just be nice.I do not want to highjack this thread so I will leave it at that.I have never been psycho or mentally ill or suicidal but todays tears have forced my attention to the fact that I can not endure this pain any more..I simply cant..I have had enough hurt.My heart has been ripped from my very soul and the agony is stronger than I am and will not leave.I want to go to sleep.
Author Lishy Posted February 2, 2006 Author Posted February 2, 2006 Xll please do not consider yourself as hijacking this thread. What you are going through os awful for you honey I went through all of those feelings but I did it when I was still with him! Now he has no control over me and he knows it! He called again after and I gave it to him both barrells! I told him that he can fk with me I dont care but if he tries to fk with our son then he will have a battle on his hands that he cant possibly win. He knows me so well and he knows that the boundaries stop at my son! This is the man who had so much control over my emotions for so long, but not anymore - Xill I really feel for you and I know this will not help you but time will heal you! I hate saying that as it is no help whatsoever at this moment but it is all I can say to you. One day these feelings will be a memory. Until then darling keep working on making YOUR life more fun and also if you feel like paying for something for her then think again and spend it on yourself and having fun!
Xillr8ng Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Lishy If he'd left you alone like you wanted and had made changes and took oppertunities to do things that were clearly unconditionaly loving gestures.Not like flowers or candy ,mind you.But things like I am doing like paying for anything she needs even after the fact that we are divorcing and I don't have to do these things.She has never been a user and I would hope that in her heart she can pause to consider this marraige salvagable.I will be paying this new expense even after she did not aknowledge the last time.But still the question to you is,would you have consider to try to make the relationship work or is it just that women SLAM the door shut and there is NO way in creation you are willing to forgive them? The true definition for love is forgiveness I thought.
resentment006 Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 My ex dumped me 4 months ago and I exercised strict NC from that point to this very day. She would call me every few weeks but I wouldn´t answer. She recently leaves a voice message asking me to call her back because she wants to talk about trying again. I have pretty much decided after all this time that I don´t want her back. Should I just call her and tell her I´m turning down her offer of a 2nd chance or should I continue NC and move on?
Author Lishy Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 Lishy If he'd left you alone like you wanted and had made changes and took oppertunities to do things that were clearly unconditionaly loving gestures.Not like flowers or candy ,mind you.But things like I am doing like paying for anything she needs even after the fact that we are divorcing and I don't have to do these things.She has never been a user and I would hope that in her heart she can pause to consider this marraige salvagable.I will be paying this new expense even after she did not aknowledge the last time.But still the question to you is,would you have consider to try to make the relationship work or is it just that women SLAM the door shut and there is NO way in creation you are willing to forgive them? The true definition for love is forgiveness I thought. It would not matter what he done Xill I didnt want to be with him anymore! He could have morphed himself into Brad Pitt and I wouldnt have wanted to be with him. This is just MY story honey - You may well still get back with your ex as she may not feel as strongly as I did! I wish you all of the luck in the world - But I must add that paying her bills will not help you - Surely she needs to know how life is without you there to help and support her for her to miss you?
Xillr8ng Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Lish. Paying her bills ,no matter what she does,is the loving thing to do I think.I feel that just because we are not in agreement to save this marraige and just because I feel abandoned and hurt,does not exempt me of providing the duties for which I vowed to her.I feel that I am doing the right thing for now.I will provide for my wife until we part our ways as seperated by divorce...As for your EX,he must have really damaged you.Did the fact that He chased you and harrasssed you and yelled and such push you even further?Or were you already beyond return before he did these things?
cygny Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 wow i never thought about it but i guess i have usually been the dumper. the feelings for the SO left soooooo quickly-- and i either turned my attention to grad school in the one case or another man (my future H) in the other main case. the first case i was even engaged! the feelings for him must not have been *that* strong because after 2 weeks in grad school, i was absolutely certain i did not want to be with him. i knew the first day i was there. it is scarey how fast the feelings disappeared. Nothing could have changed my mind. he was very upset and even punched me (yikes, good thing i left him)... why can't feelings disappear that fast when someone you like doesn't reciprocate? like, i know i want to be over my crush, but can't seem to get rid of the feelings that fast???
resentment006 Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 This will sound harsh but the truth is we don't have a right to be in a relationship with someone. We don't have a right to be married. I don't have a right to have a girlfriend. More power to all of us if we find someone who is willing to reciprocate our feelings but nobody is guaranteeing anything. That's how life is. Nothing in life is fair. I may or may not find someone who is willing to reciprocate but bottom line is nobody is obligated to reciprocate anything with me. A relationship involves 2 people willing not just 1. More power to you if you can legally acquire someone who is willing to sleep with you.
resentment006 Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Lish. Paying her bills ,no matter what she does,is the loving thing to do I think.I feel that just because we are not in agreement to save this marraige and just because I feel abandoned and hurt,does not exempt me of providing the duties for which I vowed to her.I feel that I am doing the right thing for now.I will provide for my wife until we part our ways as seperated by divorce...As for your EX,he must have really damaged you.Did the fact that He chased you and harrasssed you and yelled and such push you even further?Or were you already beyond return before he did these things? The majority of LS members frown upon this and call it the doormat approach. I personally don't. I think you have alot of courage to be doing what you are doing in your situation. I commend you for it. What alot of LS members consider to be doormat behavior I consider to be true love. It's hard to find unconditional love these days. Most relationships these days are not based on self sacrifice and loving each other but they're based on power. A good hearted person isn't worried about making sure he/she has more power in the relationship.
Xillr8ng Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 A doormat....yes indeed I do feel like one.The real truth of it all is that it does make me feel better giving than receiving.Some may say that is unhealthy love but it is still love.Love is long suffering and kind,does not look for its own interests,It does not keep account of the injury. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. I hear you...My love will not save this marraige but it will give me the piece of mind that in my heart I did everything that I could to change the man that I was and never went back to being that man.That I did everything I could to repair the damage.Wether she returns to me or not I will not go back to the man that I was.Do you honestly believe that I am doing more damage than good by addressing her needs at this point of our divorce?
Author Lishy Posted February 6, 2006 Author Posted February 6, 2006 Xill ....... I think you should do whatever it takes to make YOU feel better! No-one can tell you what is right or wrong as every situation is different! My ex tried everything - He was nice, he told me how much he had changed, he did No Contact and when all else failed he got nasty! None of it worked as I didnt want him back! And yes he did hurt me badly - Over many years! He was a bully at times and at times I was scared of him - I had been with him since I was 20 and knew no different! You seem to be a totally different person to him (thank god) and I really think you should do whatever you want regarding your ex. If paying her bills makes you feel good then you do that! If it doesnt then stop! All i said was that she will not miss you if you continue to support her - She isnt even acknowleging it! But saying that I would not judge you if you paid every bill she has - You love her! I wish you all the luck in the world with this and I hope she realises one day what she is giving up and comes back to you!
Xillr8ng Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Thank you for the words of comfort Lish.I understand now what you mean.I will move on and not do anything to stop or slow this divorce.I am sure that one day she will realise but by then I guess it will be too late.The past is mine to suffer as I will remember them always.I hope you are right about the hurt going away.I just dont see much of sunlight ahead on the road.the runaway wife syndrom has continued to grow nation wide these days and I can asure you my heart will NEVER be availabe to be destroyed as easily in the future.I will not marry again.I will not trust the same.I will repair whats left of my heart and place it where no one can damage it again.I can see why boys are taught to BE MEN and Tough and don't show emotion.I feel that if i'd stuck to those words I wouldn't hurt so bad or so long.
Woggle Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Well Xill I will judge you. Stop being a doormat. This woman does not want you anymore so stop paying her bills and stop letting her use you as a doormat. It is over so accept it. Maybe once you have cut her off she will see what she is missing and if not move on. Picture me paying somebody's bils that treated me like a wet rag. Woman respond the best when you do grow a spine and truly learn to be happy without them. When you grow your spine you might find you are better off without her.
newbby Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 i havent read all of this but... whenever i get dumped, i try to remember the men ive dumped and the ones i lost most respect for/got most annoyed with afterwards. then i try to do the opposite of what they did. when i dump somebody, i always try to remember when i have been dumped and which was the kindest way (usually the bluntest), and do that.
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