WeaknPowerless Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 Hi, I’ve been reading this site for 2 months now…basically since day 1 of my little scenario. I finally snapped today and need yet another avenue to blow off steam. I’m 25 and a working professional. I’ve been graduated for 3 years and moved away to start a life for myself. I’ve dated a few girls, not a ton though. I’ve broken up with a few, been dumped myself, and mutually walked away at times. Like everyone, I’ve had highs and lows and many lessons have been learned. Anyways, I met a girl about a year and half ago. She was gorgeous in every way. I adored her and we started an intense and loving relationship. We met each other families, holiday visits etc…(she grew up a very great distance from where we lived). Our families loved us together, as did our friends. It’s starting to sound all very cliché, but in this instance, this was all true. The third party people in our lives were very excited about us. We moved in together after about 6 months and she/we started discussing our future. She would be finishing school this October (she’s a year older then me, just did school slowly), and we intended on moving back to where she was from as her dad runs a very successful company and her and her brother are being “groomed” to take it over. The commitment to move was great as “home” would have been 1000’s of km’s away up in the Arctic Circle. I’m a small town guy and loved the idea of the adventure. Moving was exciting to me. She also desired a family and started discussing kids. That was a big thing to talk about, but after some rationalizing and some discussion, I felt in my heart that what I wanted was to also start a family, etc… Anyways, she comes from a troubled past and a few other intangibles; really bad boyfriends, a previously poor relationship with her family (she was a rebel, drugs, drinking, etc…). I knew about all these things, and to be honest, the girl I met was built from her experiences. I loved the person I met, and not the person from the past. She is also half Egyptian (dads side) and half white with a mom that is very free spirited. I admire her family but this is where a problem arose. Her dads side of the family is very family oriented where her moms isn’t, I started to see her flip flopping a lot about what she wanted in life. One day she wants us to have kids, the next she would get moody and want space. This only lasted maybe a few days at most, and knowing her mood swings, I always smiled and let her do her thing. Now, not to say that I was a perfect boyfriend, but in comparison to her past, I like to think I treated her like a queen. Like I said, I adored this girl. Anyways, to keep a real long story just “long”, at the beginning of December, she woke up one morning, told me she loved me, went to school, and when I got home that day, she walked out on me. Just like that. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I’m not here to analyze my failed relationship. I see where the problems lied. I was led on and she did lie to me about some things. I was blinded because I cared too much to see the issues and to not figure a few things out on my own. My real problems now are getting over the emotional commitments I made. I can’t shake the promises of kids, moving away, marriage and all the things we talked about. I’m young, I know, but I’ve always been a bit older then my age. If she was just “some girl” and we talked about little things, then big deal, pick up the pieces and move on. But what we discussed was as big of things as you can talk about. My mind was fixed on helping bring these things to life, as it should be when you figure someone else wants them. She now lies to me about what she was talking about…fine. There are 3 sides to the story; hers, mine and the truth, but we both know what was said. She say’s “I’m too young to think about it”, then says “I’m at the age where I’d talk about kids with any guy”. No, we said “our” kids. Regardless, I know I was lied to as I am 90% sure she met someone else and looked to escape things. I wasn’t cheated on, but I was betrayed. She told me she loved me daily, and I believed her. In two months I’ve gone through all the stages, however, now I’m just getting completely lost in thought. I miss the girl I thought I had. She was a wolf in sheeps clothing, and I resent it. I resent being used and I resent committing to things I thought we both wanted. I hate thinking of her being with other guys, and I hate that the sun came out today and I miss the times we had. I’m better off now not being stuck with kids with a woman not sure of what she wants in life, but the hurt remains. She was a girl more beautiful then I’ve ever even talked to, and I’m addicted to her and a pre-planned future. By the way, 3 weeks now of NC and it’s helped, but…I’m snapping. Thanks for listening. I could of spent all day writing more…god knows I have in personal journals.
riobikini Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 RE: WeaknPowerless: " I cared too much to see the issues and to not figure a few things out on my own. My real problems now are getting over the emotional commitments I made. " First of all, you are not 'weak and powerless'. Instead, you have been quite strong and fearless in trusting your emotions with someone, so I hereby christen you 'Lionheart'. (Smile) Look, you are not the first to believe in a love that wasn't true, or real, or right. Know that. Know also, that love has a peculiar way of not being wasted, even if it is lost. Your feelings for this young woman will last for a long time, perhaps, til you are gray, wrinkled and bent, -but you will allow that thought only for a brief moment for a particular comparison, and to thank God for the one who will be standing beside you, watching your grandchildren play. It's a scenario that is too grand and far-reaching for you to imagine, right now, but it will happen. Let it. (Smile) -Rio P.S., Lionheart: " Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." -Theodore Roosevelt 1
notmakingsense Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 Lionheart (I'll go with what Rio has dubbed you): Excellent expressions of what you are going through. For a 25 year old, you seem very in touch with your situation and a good sense of what is right for you. Just keep using LS and other harmless methods to blow off steam, and you'll be fine. Many of us will be benefiting from your advice soon enough.
AltplanB Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 your story was very powerful. You say many of the feelings that i had about my current ex. Like i was lied too. Everyday she would say she loves me or would show serious affection and then one day, it was all over....a sheep in wolves clothing. We are left with the sense that we were lied too. But we have to remember that they were not doing this on purpose. She did not decide that she would lead you on for as long as she wanted. She is just messed up, much like my ex. She thought she loved you, but it turned out she loved the idea of you, not you. Im glad that you have held strong and not contacted her. I tried for 2 months to get mine back, and here i am at the end of month 3, 3 weeks into NC and i have up times and then much longer down times. What we have to remember is that at some point, we will forget all the pain and feel lucky for the time that we got to spend with them, loving them. Dont lose hope dude, your 25. Also dont forget that like your ex, mine was smokin and if we can score girls like that, we can do it again. She was not a fluke, those dont happen in this game.
Outcast Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 I don't think these women 'lied' to you. It's very common for people to believe they are 'in love' in the early stages of a relationship before they know each other real well and for the 'love' to fade as the infatuation stage passes. Which is why it's unwise to believe you're 'in love' for about the first year and a bit.
Author WeaknPowerless Posted February 2, 2006 Author Posted February 2, 2006 Thanks all for the response. The name, well, it was a poor choice. The thread title and my name are all music based. It's the one constant in my life right now. Everyone said great things, and I don't want to single anyone out; so I'm replying to everyone... A 1.5 year relationship is not long in the grand scheme of things, I completely realize this. But the long road of a "lifetime" partner has to start somewhere. And I am the first person to stand up and declare the word "Love" is used to commonly these days (next to the Pope I suppose...at least CNN tells me he said that ) And I also don't really believe in love at first site, but the day I saw this girl, I had to meet her. I was head over heals fairly quickly, and we had a pretty intense relationship, even leading up until the end. I always felt that "honeymoon" feeling with her. Anyways, I've gone through many thoughts about life since about 17. I wanted a family, young. Then my parents split up when I was 19. That changed me. Then I was just "dating" people with no real intent...until I met this girl. She dug up so many feelings I never ever felt for anybody. Not that I didn't care or get excited about others before, but when something hits you like a bus, you take notice. I try and remember other girls I thought I loved. How I don't even think about them anymore until I start reflecting. The problem is, I HAVE to make her one of these memories for my own personal health, but I want nothing more then to have her in the forefront of my mind. That was my friend and partner in crime. All these plans and thoughts for the future, and all of them had us, side by side kicking ass and doing things as right as we know how. But, I know in my heart that it's all false hopes. Me holding onto a reality that isn't there. It's getting better, but I desire to have back what we built. Not just a great looking, loving person around, but all the other things with it. Her coming home and saying hi, even the arguments over things. I'm a problem solver, and issues to me were just ways of perfecting things. Not fodder to use later in another arguement. *sigh* With every day we don't talk, it get's a little better and at the same time, a little sadder. I think I'm coming to the peak of it though, because I'm not a disaster with the fact she's gone, but more the deep feelings I have are duking it out with my acceptance. Anyways, I can't ever seem to write short. I've exhausted all my avenues. My friends are supportive, but I don't want to go on and on and on to them about things. When I don't get this stuff out, I feel I get destructive in my mind. Thanks again
notmakingsense Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 With every day we don't talk, it get's a little better and at the same time, a little sadder. I think I'm coming to the peak of it though, because I'm not a disaster with the fact she's gone, but more the deep feelings I have are duking it out with my acceptance. This describes where I am with my feelings almost perfectly. Can I make you my ghost writer?
riobikini Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 Lionheart, Re: "When I don't get this stuff out, I feel I get destructive in my mind." About coming here just to talk and 'unload': You are certainly in the right place. We say things here, we wouldn't dare say to our ex, nor to anyone else. It's funny, tho, regarding alot of the stuff we talk about in here, -maybe we're not saying it to the people who really need to be hearing it, but it's helping us, anyway, despite that fact. (Smile) Take Care. -Rio
Author WeaknPowerless Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 My head is constantly grinding away. It always has. These last few weeks, I've written the most scathing words of my life. I've also poured my heart onto paper. I've got it all tucked away in files, buried in a folder. I have no idea how so much rage/anger/hate can come from so many deep feelings and in the next instance, strong, loving feelings. I can't control my emotions inside me, while on the outside, I am calm, cool and collective. I've been knocked down, hard. But I got back up, and I'm still standing. The only person that can beat me now is myself, and I have to be careful of that. I want that beautiful girl back. It's cliche, but the girl I thought she was, was it. No one better. Not another soul got the devotion I gave. I guess she's just in the form of another person. I've promised myself, not another tear for this girl. If she was as perfect as I thought, she'd of never let go. --- A groan of tedium escapes me, startling the fearful. Is this a test? It has to be. otherwise I can’t go on. Draining patience. drain vitality. This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act’s a little old. But I’m still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. and I’m still right Here. But I’m still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. and I’m still right Here. I’m gonna wait it out If there were no rewards to reap, No loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I’ve chosen here, I certainly would’ve walked away by now. I’m gonna wait it out If there were no desire to heal The damaged and broken met along this tedious path I’ve chosen here, I certainly would’ve walked away by now. I still may. and I still may. Be patient. I must keep reminding myself of this... If there were no rewards to reap, No loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I’ve chosen here, I certainly would’ve walked away by now. And I still may. and I still may. and I still may. I’m gonna wait it out. I’m gonna wait it out. Gonna wait it out. Gonna wait it out.
fooled Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 I really wish I had read this Tuesday. Quite eloquent, Lionheart - and you have echoed my feelings as well. Please keep posting.
Author WeaknPowerless Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 LS is very therapeutic; it’s somewhere fresh for me to release my mind. I don't intend to create multiple threads of my problems. Let's call this my running diary. Hopefully it fades into internet obscurity in no time. I try and collect my thoughts in Word when my mind wanders at work, but sometimes it's not enough. I'm sharing this because telling people creates a sense of truth within me, plus, for those in the same boat, the words may be welcome company... ** Dear LoveShack.org members ** When I am feeling low, I will return to this thread. When my mind starts to wander to the following thoughts, I will return and remember why I should not dwell on self induced fairy tales about a person placed on the highest of pedestals. I write these memories down for you all to see how there are plenty of great things to reflect on, yet how ridiculously irrelevant they are to a third party. And although one day I hope to look back fondly at the good times, the betrayal and lies given to me warrant no such rush on any positive reflection. • October, 2005: Your brothers wedding. You caught the bouquet and everyone gave us a big clap…We were next. Remember dancing and your mom smiling at us? That kiss? Probably not anymore… • December 1, 2005: Two days before you walked out on me. We decided that when we move to Inuvik, your dad would move to the condo and we’d stay in the house. Oh yeah, you were excited about how great a team we were with work. • You saying on the plane that you wanted to stop the pill…That you wanted us to start on the family right away. Remember me giving you the ok…How I was ready to do this with you? How could I emotionally commit to that and you say those things and not feel the same right back? I remember everything. I remember all the thoughts. Everything we said to each other. You know the things we promised and all the plans. I do remember the rough patches too, but if I remember correctly, we always got through them in each other’s arms, happy. How do I trust anyone emotionally? As much as I am my own person, I handed you my heart, my trust and my faith in you. Now I see it all lying on the ground. And to top it off, you walked all over it. I want to replace your beautiful face with a woman of substance and beauty greater then you ever were…but it’s hard. I know you’re a good person, but you f*cked up and ran away, like you always have. The catch-22 of life, love.
notmakingsense Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Hey WnP -- have you done any research on Commitment Phobia? From what I've read, your exgf may fit the mold of a CP. Just Google it and you'll find tons of information. Here is a link to a message-board on another on-line community purely deadicated to breakups and CP: http://groups.msn.com/BreakUpSurvival/commitmentphobia.msnw You'll gather that this is usually a male affliction, but women can be CPs also. Reading others' stories about this will help you realize that your gf has a condition, much like a disease, that is all about her -- and nothing about you. This knowledge may help you move on faster and realize that you WILL be loved again, completely, by another wonderful woman.
Author WeaknPowerless Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 Hey WnP -- have you done any research on Commitment Phobia? From what I've read, your exgf may fit the mold of a CP. Just Google it and you'll find tons of information. Here is a link to a message-board on another on-line community purely deadicated to breakups and CP: http://groups.msn.com/BreakUpSurvival/commitmentphobia.msnw You'll gather that this is usually a male affliction, but women can be CPs also. Reading others' stories about this will help you realize that your gf has a condition, much like a disease, that is all about her -- and nothing about you. This knowledge may help you move on faster and realize that you WILL be loved again, completely, by another wonderful woman. Thanks for the link. You can bet I'll poor over every word in there. I spend countless amounts of time doing personal therapy. It's worked so well. The more I read and write and read and write...the better it seems to get. It kept me sane. I've NEVER had feelings or emotional commitment like this, and it practically destroyed me. My first real, true love... The over/under of her losing her mind, telling me to suck it up and man up if she ever saw all this. I'll take the over. I'm not sure if mentally I can't handle these things and that I've built things up and created my own truths, or she really did crush me.
In Sync Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 WnP, Despite the emotional turmoil this breakup presented for you, please know that your postings have struck a chord within each of us....something beautiful has happened- your insight and your struggle to come to terms with all that has happened is transforming you inside. How strange it is that the ones who leave us, betray us, hurt us are the catalyst for reinforcing our inner resolve...we rise like Phoenix's out of the fire.
Author WeaknPowerless Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 In Sync, I won't be held down. I refuse to be buried by this. I'll keep digging. I love the Phoenix analogy. I'm not perfect, but I'm honest and true. My cards were always on the table and she always knew my intentions about life. While I was not always "open" about the little things, I worked at it...you know, a stereo-typical guy thing. I also wasn't a "Yes" man either. If I disagreed with things, I spoke my mind, but I did so with concern to her needs. Walking the line of loving someone deeply and not appearing co-depandent is a fine one. • I don't place the entire blame of the breakup on her, but I do hold resentment to her tact...and possible intentions • I will grow from this • I will learn from my mistakes • If I was a good boyfriend before, I will become a great one down the road • When I find someone new, I will leave the baggage at the door • I am entirely capable of finding/growing/maintaining love I'm pretty positive right now. Friday night and I'm not dwelling on what she's doing right now. At the risk of sounding self centered, I love who I am and what I'll be.
Becky Jean Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 allow yourself to go through the grieving process. Part of this grieving process is verbalizing it. What amazes me is the fact that one minute (maybe you don't experience this) I feel okay, then I'm mad as hell! Keep yourself busy and realize you are a good person. It has helped to have friends I can confide in any hour of the day. Take care~
Author WeaknPowerless Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 I'm cooked right now. Lit the f*** up. I'm half a second from calling my girl... My girl? no, someone who left my ass. Someone who I used to share every Friday night with. My heart aches every weekend. * Curse for a long time * Could I have picked up someone tonight?? with effort, yes.. Did I? Can't! Jesus, f***, why is she probably getting her f*** on, and I'm loving her for doing..anything? I'm not going to be a bad guy, but f*** being the nice guy. I'm tired of it. If I didn't write here tonight, I would have called. I have had zero tradegy in my life. This ranks as the worst. God I miss my babydoll. What a weak, pathetic state I am in. This girl holds me by my f*cking arteries. God damn you for taking my being. Why would I give myself away? It used to be so right, and now its so wrong. I could sympathise people, laugh, ridicule, understand, feel compasion, justify...but in my own damn world, this girl is the ultimate story. I'd show photos and everyone would comment on how beautiful she is. I'd tell stories of our passion and everyone would relish in the romance. Why do I think my story is so unique? Why this damn pedestal? She's sleeping beside someone right now. My inadequacies and pathetic pleas sadden me...such effort with no results.
notmakingsense Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I'm glad you didn't call her -- and if you had been drinking (or whatever) and still managed not to call -- then that shows the true strength you have about this. The anger that was brought out when you wrote was very pertinent and accurate. She may not be sleeping with someone else right now, but the symbolism of her lack of caring for you is what you need to keep reminding yourself of. She isn't worthy of your longing. I felt that my ex gf was the most beautiful, sexy, funny, smart, loving person that I'll ever have the chance to meet and be close to. But in the end, she didn't feel the same way about me. It is still hard for me to believe this internally, but I have faith in what I am being told -- that there is someone else out there for me, and for you. And at some point down the road, we'll both think back on this time -- chuckle to ourselves -- and shake our heads at how happy we are to have made it through and be with our new loves.
Author WeaknPowerless Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 Yeah, I drank last night. It was a good time and all that. I was actually more embarrased to wake up this morning to remember what I wrote. This is all like a huge broken record...and as tired of it all as I am, I can't help but to continue venting. I'm anxioius for the day I don't feel bothered to even want to think about it all.
Becoming Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I'm not perfect, but I'm honest and true. My cards were always on the table and she always knew my intentions about life. While I was not always "open" about the little things, I worked at it...you know, a stereo-typical guy thing. I also wasn't a "Yes" man either. If I disagreed with things, I spoke my mind, but I did so with concern to her needs. Walking the line of loving someone deeply and not appearing co-depandent is a fine one. • I don't place the entire blame of the breakup on her, but I do hold resentment to her tact...and possible intentions • I will grow from this • I will learn from my mistakes • If I was a good boyfriend before, I will become a great one down the road • When I find someone new, I will leave the baggage at the door • I am entirely capable of finding/growing/maintaining love Word. Re-read it when ya need to. It hurts more when you lay it all bare--a courage many don't have.
AltplanB Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 ther will be a point down the road for both of us when we realize that we needed this to happen. Everyone needs to get dumped by a lover. If we didn't we would not be able to fully appreciate the next one. I know that i didnt until it happened to me. Not to say that didn't appreciate her, but that i didn't realize how strong my feelings for her had become and how i should of acted upon them in the right manner in certain situations. I look back on the memories, the awesome times, and all i feel is pain because its over. I have no reason to contact her, other than to hurt myself again. I just have to somehow make my life work again, start over...we all do.
Author WeaknPowerless Posted February 6, 2006 Author Posted February 6, 2006 ther will be a point down the road for both of us when we realize that we needed this to happen. Everyone needs to get dumped by a lover. If we didn't we would not be able to fully appreciate the next one. You're right. 100%. Except that I was under the impression that we both committed to each other for the long run. I hate not being in control of myself though, because I do know it's for the best. I don't want ANYONE who would leave me for reasons not justifiable. It's natural for our emotions to get the better of us, but through all the reading/talking/analyzing, obviously this is for the best. I know that my intentions were pure and I didn't play games and if we did continue on the path I thought we had laid out, it could of been much uglier later on. I have such a tough time separating the girl I created in my mind with the one that she ended up being. Don't get me wrong; she's not a terrible person. I have to be careful to not start creating this aura that she's a horrible girl, but when all is said and done, it's better that she didn't lead me on for much longer. I just had the world in the palm of my hands and everything seemed like it was a dream. She stripped away things from me that are proving very difficult to overcome. I continue to lead my own life, but my future has been altered unwillingly and I need to clear my head to find my way again. • My down days are frequent, but less then before • Weekends, although great because of great friends, are less depressing • 2 cute girls smiled/glanced my way this morning. Who knows how I’d approach someone though…I’ll figure that out later • When I “remember” something or think something I shouldn’t, I still get that loss of breathe feeling, but the pain doesn’t last too long anymore It’s slowly getting better. It’s no longer minute by minute…I’m on the hour by hour, at least.
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