centered Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 Short Version: I'm told by bf of 1 year that I'm being unreasonable when I'm unhappy with being told he wants to spend V-Day with his separated wife and daughter because the daughter wants to do something with mom and dad. And, oh, yeah, me and my daughter are invited, too. Huh? I'm supposed to be happy with this plan? Maybe I'll invite my last boyfriend and *his* daughter and we can all double-date, or something. Let's make the kids happy, right? Because V-Day is just like any other kid-focused day, right? Yeah. Sure. I calmly told him I'd prefer NOT to spend V-Day with his separated wife. And if he'd already made those plans, then I guess my daughter and I will do something on our own. (Not a good omen for the future of this relationship that his blind spot is so large, or his catering to his daughter's whims is so extreme. His wife left him almost 2 1/2 years ago for one of his best friends, and everyone is sure she was cheating on him. And now, 2 1/2 years later, every holiday, and every excuse for a Hallmark card, is spent with her along. I have the patience of a Saint. And probably the brains of a cow. I love him. What can I say? But I have limits, and I'm reaching them....) Long version: There is so much pressure on a new relationship this time of year. I think we (women, especially) tend to get our hopes and expectations up as V-Day approaches. Complicated enough to maneuver through the emotional swamp, but throw in his 14-year old daughter, my 13-year old daughter, the separated (for 2.5 years, lives with her boyfriend, but doesn't want to move ahead on a formal divorce) wife, his last girlfriend (who is still in love with him and uses any excuse to contact him), and things get interesting.... So this year, it's on a Tuesday. A workday. I have to get up at 6 am the next morning. Though the bf and I have been dating for nearly a year, we spend most nights apart -- mainly because of the kids and of logistics. And I won't move in with him, even if the option were on the table, unless he is serious about this relationship heading toward marriage. (I'd want to be engaged, minimum.) After having my expectations knocked around for the last year, mainly around scheduling issues that were never bouned off me until he and his sort-of ex-wife had already locked the plans in for everyone, I'm getting tired of being told my reactions to his planning aren't "normal" or "reasonable." The latest? Months ago, we talked about doing something nice on V-Day. It's his night with his daughter, and I have mine, too. So I thought maybe a nice dinner out, or go bowling, or something like that. Romance wasn't going to happen with the kids along, and it didn't seem right to either of us to find sitters for them. So a "family" event it was to be. Then, last week, he informs me his kid's mom wants her daughter that night. Why? Because she wants a "family" night with her new boyfriend and his 2 young girls, and since his pending divorce is hostile, he doesn't get a lot of time with his kids. I'm not thrilled about losing out on "our" family plans for that night, but who am I in their planning, right? Just the girlfriend. Why should he include me in any discussions regarding how my time will be spent? (That's sarcasm, by the way.) Fine. Whatever. So I spend a week adjusting to the idea that it will be just me, him, and my daughter. It'll be fine. Missing out on any bonding stuff with his kid, but I'm resigning myself to the fact that bonding time is an afterthought to him and his (not yet) ex. Then, at lunch today, he lets me know he and the (almost) ex have decided to on this arcane schedule with his kid that winds up meaning our daughters won't see each other for 3 months in every 6 month period. (Don't ask -- this whacky schedule requires a PhD to figure out.) After I was clearly unhappy with this news, it starts to become really clear to me that there is no malice on anyone's part -- it's simply that my time in his life -- as it relates to his daughter and a possible future for all of us -- is totally an afterthought. He's not happy that I'm not happy, and he vows to do his best to fix it. He also adds that the V-Day schedule change was his (not yet) ex-wife's way of giving me and him a romantic day together. I point out to him that both she and he *know* I have my daughter that day, and that this has been on both of their calendars for months. So I'm doubtful she really was trying to make a nice gesture. Either she or he said this to try to smooth things over for me, realizing that, as usual, I was an afterthought in the planning. There's a pattern of this, and all of the people in his life have said so. And, in all fairness, the main problem may lie with him -- he's not the best communicator. So tonight, he informs me the schedule is fixed, and things will be simpler. They're going to try an alternating week schedule -- something that most 2-household families eventually come to. And he, rightly, pointed out that he had to arrive at this conclusion on his own. Okay, good. Then he drops the news that V-Day will be yet-another day shared with his separated wife. Why? Because his kid wants to spend that day with her mom and dad. Ever see the Parent Trap? I'm living it. And he is surprised I'm not happy about this news. Genuinely surprised. I kid you not. Is it me? Or is he operating from a different "Owner's Manual to Life"? And now he's mad at me because I'm not happy about V-Day with his still-not-divorced wife, who, I have a strong suspicion, is keeping him around as Plan B in case her mid-life crisis doesn't turn out as well as she'd hoped.
bobbyb Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 This is really surprising to me. Not so much that this guy decided to spend his Val day like he is, but more so that you're letting him get away with it. And more than once too! I dated a gal and invited her out one night - then uninvited her cos my ex-gf's cancelled plans with me were back on. It was strictly a friendship thing but breaking plans with the current girlfriend screwed everything up. It was a huge mistake and I paid the price for it. So much, infact that it led to me breaking up with her about 1 1/2 years later because she kept bringing it up. What I'm trying to get at is that he should respect your wishes and pick up on the vibe that you're not cool with what he's doing. If he really loves you like you love him he should pay extra special attention to you of all days on Val day! But, most guys (including me) don't take Val day as seriously as we should. It is a day for women, and why not? Why shouldn't we shower them with kisses and flowers and good times? You desere it for putting up with us. Not doing so just makes you women bitter. Personally if I were in the situation I would find sitters for the kids. They're in their teens so maybe have them do some kind of Val day thing/get together with their friends. Valentines day is for you and the one you love the most (and I don't mean your Mom) so you should spend it with them and them only. Seperated wife? Emphasis on the SEPERATED. If he won't budge, don't be spiteful. Just make sure he knows that you're not cool with it and you don't know how much more of that you can take. But don't do what my ex-gf did by reminding me of how much of a jerk I was everytime we'd get in an argument like it's a secret weapon or something. Don't make him hate you - and don't hate him. He's just an idiot and needs to shape up... FAST! Hope this helps.
Author centered Posted February 1, 2006 Author Posted February 1, 2006 Hope this helps. Thanks, BobbyB, it does help. Good advice -- all of it. I'm already dealing with some trust issues from other amazingly stupid things he's done (just search my older threads for details), and I'm having a hard time rebuilding trust when he continues to do these things. In all fairness, things have been going MUCH better since his ex-gf went a little too far and showed how unbalanced she is regarding their "friendship." I'm hoping she's well and truly out of the picture at this point. I'd just as soon we all get past the EX factor, whether it's old gf's or old wives.
Walk Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 I'm too soft with people, so you might not want to take this.. but it sounds to me as if the guy is dealing with a lot of guilt issues. And that his almost exwife is pulling those strings to keep him around. I'd hate for you to take this out on him, when it sounds to me like he's already being pulled in a ton of different directions. But at the same time, you can't just let it slide or this will continue indefinitely. I don't know.. I'm just getting the feeling that the wife knows he'll do anything for his little girl, and is using this to break the two of you up. With the pretense of she's not because she invite you too. Too bad you can't go to the source and nip this in the bud. Stand your ground. I think backing down and going along with this ridiculous plan will only cause you bigger issues in the future. Personally... I don't think Vday is that big of a deal. I'd go with him and have a good time and plan a different day for just the two of you. But that's me. Vday is just a day, not the end of the world. And if he hasn't shown you he loves you the rest of the year, then one day isn't going to make a difference. But as you said, this seems to be a pattern, and at some point, the pattern needs to be broken if you are to feel secure and happy in this relationship. p.s. Do you really look like your avatar? just curious. I'm straight, but thats a really good looking woman. I'm wondering why a man would make a woman who looks like that unhappy on purpose. The word fool comes to mind.
basscatcher Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 I'm not going to sugar-coat- plain and simple- sounds like: His X and he still have a connection (more then child) and they aren't willing to let go. There is still a bond between them. V-Day is for lovers.. The children can have a sleep over or a get together with their friends or do something else. I can't help but think this from reading your post: They are using the child as a reason to be together on a day celebrated for lovers. Their child can be seen as a product of their love they have still for one another. Your situation leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don't know your whole story, althought I have read some of your other posts in other threads, I think your bf and his X still have some unresolved issues between them. When a relationship is truly over you don't care to have any get-togethers with your X unless it concerns the childrens health, schooling, activities, marriage, birth of grandchild, etc etc. Too get together with your X for holidays is not normal and a Psychologist once told me it is not healthy in most cases to spend time with your X going out to lunch, dinner, movies, hanging out together for holidays, etc.. Get togethers are only healthy when it is for the interest of the childs welfare to discuss plans, arrangements, etc. (with current spouses (SO) is a possitive because they are involved with the childrens lives too.) I am only speaking from knowledge, experience, opinion and what I was told by a Psychologist.. I feel for you. It is a tough situation to be in. Especially when you have invested your heart.. It is hard to even consider backing off or stepping forward.
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