AvoidRepeat Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 Almost 2 years out from my divorce, I really do not have a good idea what I should have done differently to have avoided my divorce. A short version of our marriage is 7 1/2 year relationship prior to marriage. Lived together most of that time, dual, approximate equal financial input, but, at least in my perception, I put in FAR more time in cleaning, cooking, and support for her family issues. Indeed, we sought counselling, and did address these issues. Her issue with me: Yes I supported her and her family through many issues, but not to the degree that she thought adequate. She stated that she did not support my family because she was never asked to. Marriage occurs, my job and income soars, she becomes stay at home mom for our adopted son. Problems with her family continues, and I continue to support her family issues both with my time and effort, and financially we support expenses for issues that arise (health issues with her parents, and mental illness in her sister). Jump two years before divorce and both her parents have passed, issues continue with her mentally ill sister, and I have become 100% supportive, or even in my ex's words, "yes you have been supportive." Critical event is when for the first time in our relationship someone in my family needs my attention. She becomes upset that I plan a trip to visit my father and I become livid that after all the years of support for her family, that she is upset that I must devote some attention to my family (which required no effort on her part). Result is literally two months of no communication. Truce occurs when I do not need to see my father, and she promises to be totally supportive of any issues with my family ..."of course I will be supportive of your family." Straw that breaks the camels back: Vacation planned to same city where my mom lives. She refuses to have dinner with my mom (never had fights with my mom, always cordial), and says she wants to go shopping by herself instead. I once again cannot believe her total lack of support for my family. I confront her and tell her that she promised to be totally supportive of my family, and I consider it important that she have dinner with my mom, and she refuses. Final attempt at counselling initiated by me at first has positive results, but completely fails when we change counselors at her request because she didnt like the counselor that I had chosen. Bottom line is that she stated that she felt that I had not given enough support for her family when she needed it. My impression could not have been more opposite in that I had been asked to give and had given orders of magnitude more support to her family than she had ever been asked to give back to mine. I felt one of two possibilities existed. Either she was extremely selfish to the point where I could not go on with such a person, or she really believed what she was saying in which case our perceptions were unbelievably different, and could not be reconciled. End result, I filed for divorce, she asked on mutiple occasions that we give it another try but never explained what would change in the relationship, so I proceeded with the divorce. I am glad I got divorced, I just do not want to repeat this process in the future. What did I do wrong in letting this happen?
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