lilmoma1973 Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 My h is unfair in this household with the kids .. My ss gets to come and goes as he please's ,disrespect and never really get any punishment!! My daughter made a comment saying daddy loves her brother more he gets away with whatever.. She is 6 and still learning disciplining but ss is 15 and knows better and makes comments that she gets away with stuff!! My daughter has more than her share of spankings and punishments .. My ss runs the roads and h will tell him it is got to stop but h never is consistant with what he says! My question is what is it when not being the same with both ? Why is my h so baisis to my daughter? My daughter is a happy child, my ss isn't he stays in his room and is sneaky.. My daughter is very open with me and ss isn't .. He doesn't respect anything in this house unless it is his!! My h noticed that when he slammed our new stove and it made h mad.. My h said ss said something that he is always been yelled at for things and feels he can't do anything and h said we was going to be more leanant with him!! I told h sorry ss needs discipline and do chores if he don't like it tough noogies..Why is my h so baisis to my daughter? Why is it that he tries to be ss friend and not parent ? He lets him go all weekend and throughout the week.. I wish things wasn't this way .. Is it cause daughter is girl and ss is boy? If that is the cause that is shovenist and i will not stand for it!!
Touche Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 LilMoma...I've experienced a similar issue too. And I don't believe it has anything to do with that your ss is a boy and d is a girl. In my situation we have a son and I have a ss also. I've always thought H was much more strict with our son. It all comes down to guilt. The divorced spouse always feels guilty about breaking up the child's home. And no matter how good you are to ss you're still the stepmom and not the mom. They (spouse) will always be protective of their child. It's really hard. I've been in your exact shoes. The only thing I can tell you that may make you feel better is that you don't have much longer to go until he's out on his own. It's not that long now so hang in there. You've put up with it this long, a few more years is nothing. So hang in there!
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 Thanks for sharing that with me and we are going to counseling for this now .. I hope it helps if not i will probably not stay, so tired of trying and feel i am the only one making the effort!!
Touche Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Then tell him that. Have you said that to him? Also, you DO have the right to make your own rules in your own house. So if you don't like what's going on, take control. I had to do that too at times.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 Yeah i told my h Sunday when he let ss go to his gf house and just came back from his friend house .. He spent the night before with his friend and already been out for the weekend and dad had said that he couldn't go but one night a weekend!! That is what pisses me off is my h not being consistant with ss and lets him come and go as he please's ..
Touche Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Well, you both need to be on the same page. Your husband is not doing son any favors with his inconsistency. Maybe when you go for counceling it will help. Until then, just try to look the other way I guess. I mean what else can you do, short of leaving?
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 Totally agree with you on that and that is why i have daughter in counseling and the physcologist is wanting to talk with us Friday at 5 .. Looking foward to that to see what he has to say ..I know the reason he does it because he hates his dad for making him mind and being strict when he was around!! My h wants to be a friend and not a parent .. I really think because my h became a dad at an early age he didn't get to grow up and it is time he does..
a4a Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 :lmao: You are going to laugh at this but my H does this with his damn dogs! His dogs are out of control. I love dogs but they need rules just like kids do. His dogs can do no wrong, hell his horse can do no wrong. Even when the lil bytch was dragging him down the road Ah, but my dogs are second rate and must behave........ NOT! It boiled down to almost a competition thing for him. Very odd, but after a long talk about why he felt the need to defend his dogs and horse we worked things out. I know you probably think it is different, and it is. But it is also a similar situation in a way. The best way I finally found to approach this was to ask how I could learn to get along better with his dogs. I used to hate to even see the little buggers! Funny though they pissed me off even more when I was pissed at my husband. Am I reading into something that is not there but: Is your daughter more yours and his son more his? LM I got to wonder how you deal with what you have to..... hats off to ya! :) a4a
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 :lmao: You are going to laugh at this but my H does this with his damn dogs! His dogs are out of control. I love dogs but they need rules just like kids do. His dogs can do no wrong, hell his horse can do no wrong. Even when the lil bytch was dragging him down the road Ah, but my dogs are second rate and must behave........ NOT! It boiled down to almost a competition thing for him. Very odd, but after a long talk about why he felt the need to defend his dogs and horse we worked things out. I know you probably think it is different, and it is. But it is also a similar situation in a way. The best way I finally found to approach this was to ask how I could learn to get along better with his dogs. I used to hate to even see the little buggers! Funny though they pissed me off even more when I was pissed at my husband. Am I reading into something that is not there but: Is your daughter more yours and his son more his? LM I got to wonder how you deal with what you have to..... hats off to ya! :) a4a I ask myself the same thing everyday!! I guess exercising helps with the stress guess, why i love it so much.. Just tired of always being the one to take the lead of things and he always says when i am discipling our daughter that i am arguing .. I tell him no i am being a parent not arguing .. He would rather to give them their way instead of dealing with the issue at hand!!
a4a Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 I.. I tell him no i am being a parent not arguing .. He would rather to give them their way instead of dealing with the issue at hand!! Same thing with the damn animals that my H "owns". He is getting better after our long drawn out chat. I hope the session goes well for you...... hang in there! a4a
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 Same thing with the damn animals that my H "owns". He is getting better after our long drawn out chat. I hope the session goes well for you...... hang in there! a4a Thanks a4a me too!! I will see on Friday how it will go.. I will hang in there glad to see that things are better on your end as well!! Just be lucky you don't have kids ..
Mz. Pixie Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 LilMoma...I've experienced a similar issue too. And I don't believe it has anything to do with that your ss is a boy and d is a girl. In my situation we have a son and I have a ss also. I've always thought H was much more strict with our son. It all comes down to guilt. The divorced spouse always feels guilty about breaking up the child's home. And no matter how good you are to ss you're still the stepmom and not the mom. They (spouse) will always be protective of their child. It's really hard. I've been in your exact shoes. The only thing I can tell you that may make you feel better is that you don't have much longer to go until he's out on his own. It's not that long now so hang in there. You've put up with it this long, a few more years is nothing. So hang in there! Touche is right. I've experienced this guilt with my kids as well. What has helped me though is that I told my husband right from the start that the only way we would get married and stay married was for all the children to have equal treatment. It's only starting but we're trying to stick to that.
cal gal Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 Anytime there is divorce involved there are bound to be issues with the kids. Most issues are based on the parent having guilt. Life is hard as a step parent. I always treated my step son the same as my younger boys. My husband accused me of being too strict until he saw the younger ones turning out like wonderful human beings as opposed to his easy way with my step son who turned out to be a druggy, user of anyone he met, irresponsible never holding a job, individual. I think if he could go back in time - he would choose to be more consistent and strict with reasonable guidelines that have consequences if not followed - kind of father. He appreciates that the younger ones are much more sure of who they are and where they are going, with a great sense of values and moral obligation to society to be contributing in a positive manner. Like I said, you are in a tough position, but if I were you, I would stay out of raising him and let your husband handle anything that has to do with him! The standard answer to anything should be "don't know honey, go ask your father" Your husband will quickly understand how much you are both being worked over when he has to deal with all the manipulation himself. Good luck LM, and PM me if you need to - life is not easy in your shoes! PS my step son is now 26 and my younger boys are 16 and 14. My heart is with you!
Author lilmoma1973 Posted February 1, 2006 Author Posted February 1, 2006 Thanks calgal,Mz.Pixie,Touche, for your advice and appreciate it !! Being a step parent is hard and yes i treat him just as i do my daughter .. Lately i have taken a step back from him though because h is always saying im always on him!!
Angel Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 I would be more worried about my daughter than the ss. It is the mom's job to protect, if my husband were not fair (her getting more than her fair share of spankings) and if my daughter had to go to a phychologist "that is why i have daughter in counseling and the physcologist is wanting to talk with us Friday" because she is in distress, I would get out of the relationship. My child would be NUMBER 1. Why he is the way he is would be his problem, mine would be the welfare of my daughter. Just a thought.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 I would be more worried about my daughter than the ss. It is the mom's job to protect, if my husband were not fair (her getting more than her fair share of spankings) and if my daughter had to go to a phychologist "that is why i have daughter in counseling and the physcologist is wanting to talk with us Friday" because she is in distress, I would get out of the relationship. My child would be NUMBER 1. Why he is the way he is would be his problem, mine would be the welfare of my daughter. Just a thought. She is going to a physcologist because her teacher has made her self esteem down and i called the principal about it and she is made other students not want to go to school as well.. They are scared to ask the teacher for anything cause she makes them turn their card .. My daughter is going to counseling for that and her temper tantrums she is having .. The counselor said that she doesn't won't authority and h needs to get on the same page with you!!
Angel Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 If a young child is having problems at school, many times it is because they are having problems at home. She may be acting out, not respecting authority, etc. or not being able to cope with any rejection at school because she is not feeling good about something going on at home. The title of your post ---is a good indication that your daughter is not feeling special and #1 in the home. A child must feel safe and completely protected in order to feel secure outside of the home. I have dealt with children for 30 years (and have raised three emotionally healthy adults) and I am only trying to offer you a little from my experience. When I posted, I was rushed with my response, so I didn't have time to word it more tactfully. Your husband may/may not be doing this maliciously, but to your daughter----it doesn't matter. Your little girl must feel like she is special -- when their is not fairness in punishment, she will be emotionally frustrated and hurt and IT WILL show up in her behavior. I am sorry you are going through this, but it is extremely important that you help her with this. I sincerely hope this was helpful.
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