Men Hurt Too...10 years of pain

[dademurphy]

I am seeing alot of women talking about how they have been hurt by the men in their lives, but I am not seeing too many men discussing their issues.

I guess it is not macho, or manly to do so.

Well, I am here to tell you that men hurt too.

 

I have been with the same woman for about 10 years now.

I have never cheated, and I have never thought about it. I am 29 years old and I am a powerlifter with long brown hair. With the muscles and hair, I have had the chance to cheat in meaningless one night stands a few times, and I always removed myself form the situation because I am a relationship.

 

However, over the past 10 years, my finace has cheated on me numerous times. And every time she has gotten caught she has promised through fake tears and emotion to stop. And like a fool, every time, I forgive her. Love makes you really blind to real issues, I guess.

After the last time she was caught cheating, I made it clear that I would not accept another apology. I cannot allow myself to go through it again. The thoughts and feelings I had were do dark and disturbing, and I do not deserve to feel like that....nobody does.

 

So why am I here, now? Well, over the past couple of months, she has been staying up really late on these instant messengers and chat rooms. She SAYS she is not doing anything with these guys online, but every time someone does cross the line on these things I ask her to stop talking to that one person. And she does, removes them from the contact list, and says she will not speak with them again. Then the next day, there they are again, either with a different screen name or in a chat room instead of on the messenger application.

I stopped trying. And I vowed not to care and not to let it get to me.

Then this morning I got fed up.

I wake up at 4:30am every day to work out. So today, what do I find? She is online, going into the 13th hour, speaking with a GUY and he is on his web cam. Now, what purpose would an engaged woman have, to view another man's web cam at close to 5am when her FIANCE is alseep?

ONLY one purpose comes to mind.

I mean, if you are chatting about nothing as you say you are, why do you need to know what this guy looks like? And why does it have to happen behind my back while I am asleep?

 

I think she is cheating on me with these guys, and I mean emotionally. Obviously not physically.

But it still hurts just as much.

And I believe a physical meeting is coming soon.

 

Do I love her, still. Sadly, yes I do. But I am confused as to what to do here.

I want to be with her, but I do not feel I deserve the lies, and hurt.

 

Is it even possible to have a faithful mate anymore in this world?

 

Sadly, I feel it would have been easier to never fall in love. I never had any of this pain when I was 17 and 18 and all I cared about was lifting and meaningless sex. But now that I got my heart into it, it breaks slowly day after day.

 

It is not worth it.

What do I do?

 

(note: questioning her and trying to speak to her is useless. she either lies about it, or refuses to talk at all)

[ReluctantRomeo]

Man, I'm sorry to hear about this. That kind of infidelity hurts.

 

I'm no expert on this. I'd suggest though that you look at marriagebuilders.com.

 

I'd also suggest that to sort this out - if it's not already too late - you'll need the right balance of tough and tender. You need to be firm on this lying and cheating - for your own self-respect you can't take this. But on the other hand, it would be worth working out what is driving her to cheat. Some women are just cheaters by nature, but more stray through neglect.

[ThatOneGuy]

Well, truth be told it's not exactly a new thing for a man to be hurt by a woman. Books have been written on such a thing when the world was still young

 

Anyway, This situation does sound bad. Im sorry your wife cannot see that she has a guy that actually loves/cares about her.

 

My advice? Leave. Your only 29, and if you work out that much Im sure you could find another woman.

 

But, truthfully I know you wont take my advice. Sometimes I tell my heart to shove off and do what I KNOW is best for me, and I know that staying with her will only inact more disloyalty and heartship.

 

But... it's not like you can help it. You still love her, and sometimes you cannot help matters of the heart.

 

I would consider just packing up in frount of her, tell her that you can't take this kind of life anymore. Ask her "Do you even still love me?" "Why must you put me through this kind of torment!"

 

Tell her you need space, ditch for a couple days, maybe watch the house and see if she invites anyone over. Ect.

 

Maybe, just maybe she might get it through your head that this kind of behavior is not acceptable. It's worth a shot.

 

Anyway, If it was me I would have never even given her a 2nd chance, let alone how many times you've forgiven her. You must really love her, and that makes this situation all the more sad.

 

I hope everything works out and whatnot.

[dademurphy]

Well, to clear some things up:

I know some people cheat because they fell neglected ins ome way, but I cannot see why this is the case. I tell her constantly how I love her. All my attention goes to her. I work, I cook, I clean the house. Not because I have to, but because I want to. It give me stuff to do and it seems (to me at least) that making her life easier would make her happy.

She gets love letters, poems, gifts, etc. So neglect seems like it cannot be an issue.

 

It just seems like every time things start to seem like they are ok, I let my guard down, and then I get hit in the fact with truth. I cannot explan how much it hurts.

 

I mean, it IS possible she is not doing anything on these chat rooms and IM programs, I know, but she just does not see why after doing what she has done, that the trust is not there.

I personally would try and make sure to NOT EVER be in a situation where an accusation or assumption could be made. If I was unfaithful and my partner had the heart to forgive me I would MAKE SURE to never be in a position to be accused again until that trust was re-established. But she just goes on like I should trust her 100% with no questions or reservations.

 

As for leaving, yes that would be an option. But after 10 years, how do you move on without the person? I mean, she has been near me for 10 years. That is like losing a leg or an arm. She is a part of me.

 

I fear there is no escape from pain here, and it s killing me.

What do I do?

I love her. And I want to trust her. But I am hurting so much.

[dademurphy]

The more I think about it. The more it hurts.

Honestly, right now, a life like this is not worth experiencing.

I wish I could fall asleep forever.

[ThatOneGuy]

True, she is like a limb. Like an arm or a leg.

 

And to continue with that analogy, have you ever heard of a Coyote getting one of its legs getting caught under something, and it’s only option is to either stay there and die, or chew off one of its own limbs to survive?

 

That’s much like this case here. Save yourself, I know it must be hard to think of moving on without her, but surely you must have friends that will support you in this. A pack, if you will.

 

Anyway, I think she’s only just going to keep hurting you, and you sure as hell don’t deserve that after 10 faithful years with her. I know going back down the road of being single is tough, but it’s better then having a wife that cheats on you. My father went through the same thing with my mother, and it was a really horrible environment to grow up in.

 

So, like I said. Stay with the crushing weight, or chew off one of your own limbs to survive.

[dademurphy]

Actually, no.

I have no "pack".

My family is all gone. And I cut ties with alot of friends because they were not condusive to a relationship.

I had alot of good times in the past. From the time I was 16 until I met this girl all I did was lift, run around texas, get girls, and do ALOT of partying.

I cut all those ties because I wanted a stable family life.

 

So no, I have no friends to support me.

I thought SHE was my best friends and the only person I needed.

 

I made the mistake of giving 100% of my mind body and soul to her and did not keep any for myself.

 

I am just tired of living in general now.

Seems like nothing I try in love works for me.

Am I one of the unlucky few who are destined to be alone forever?

 

I am sickened by this feeling.

I wish I could just "leave" everything.

[ReluctantRomeo]

I mean, it IS possible she is not doing anything on these chat rooms and IM programs, I know

 

With her history? A 13 hour overnight webcam with a guy? You have every right to be upset. I'd be upset even if a previously 100% faithful gf chatted that long overnight with a guy.

 

You have to ask yourself - would she do that with a female friend? And does the guy do this with his male friends? I think not.

 

 

But she just goes on like I should trust her 100% with no questions or reservations.

 

Someone with her history does not have that right. And probably never will.

 

 

As for leaving, yes that would be an option. But after 10 years, how do you move on without the person? I mean, she has been near me for 10 years. That is like losing a leg or an arm. She is a part of me.

 

As long as you have that wussy attitude, she can do as she pleases. With all due respect, a gf should be scared of how you will react if you catch her cheating. I don't mean physically scared, but I mean she should feel that she'll have some tough explaining to do.

 

 

I fear there is no escape from pain here, and it s killing me.

What do I do?

 

It will hurt less if you start taking charge and making boundaries.

[ReluctantRomeo]

So no, I have no friends to support me.

I thought SHE was my best friends and the only person I needed.

 

Even in a strong relationship, this would not be healthy. You have to cut that dependency.

[ThatOneGuy]

Kay, suicide is not the answer. And Romio, don't be a dick. He does not have a "Wussy" attitude, he loves the girl.

 

Anyway...

 

As I was saying, Don't go jumping off any bridges just yet. And not having ANY friends isn't normal. Your 29, Im sure you have phone numbers or some sort of way to get in contact with some old buddies. Or maybe just go down to the bar one night and make new ones, I dunno.

 

Alright, So you have no people to fall back on and support you through such a tough time. Thats fine. Now, I know nothing in this world could get any worse, but all hope isn't lost. You may still be able to raise a family, and such.

 

I think you probably should get out of the house for a day or two though. Don't tell her where your going or when your coming back. Just tell her you need some space because of everything she's done. You can't handle it anymore. Tell her how much you've devoted yourself to her.

 

Now, im not trying to sound mean, but you probably should yell. Just raise your voice to make sure you get your point across. Maybe after this final dire ploy, she'll change.

 

It's worth a shot, no?

[littlekitty]

RR is right, even in the best of relationships you should have your own outside interests and friends. It helps keeps you interesting to each other and allows you to not be fully dependant on your partner which isn't good for the relationship.

 

I hate to say it, but I agree with the others. You've let her get away with this for so long, she knows she can just make excuses and you'll stay anyway. Easy, dependable dademurphy won't walk away. He'll stay and look after me, and I can have my cake and eat it.

 

If you really want this to work, try the suggestion by TOG, walk out for a couple of days, shout and make her understand that YOU WILL NOT STAND for this again. You need to exert some power and take a stance.

 

I suggest even if this does work out and you stay, that you still investigate ways to make new friends and new hobbies etc. Surely you must have some training buddies?!

 

It is not, ever, IMO acceptable to have that kind of online/emtional relationship with any man when you are in a relationship. It's cheating, regardless of the content of the talk. 13 hours invested in someone else and building a relationship with them simply isn't on.

[dademurphy]

I understand all of your points.

I really do.

 

I have yelled, fought, hospitalized the guys, questioned her, etc.

I am just thinking I am too afraid of being alone.

Nice, huh? 300 pounds, can lift a car, tattooed, but scared of losing a girl...huh...guess I am a "wussy".

 

Does anyone here understand the level of hurt I am going through? I mean REALLY understand?

In the time since we have been together I have lost a mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, MY ONLY friend in life was shot and killed, and I lost my daughter.

I have always lived by the mottos "What doesn't killl you makes you stronger" and "Only the strong survive" but after all this, I do not feel very strong inside.

Now I am facing losing this one person I thought would always be there for me.

It just seems that everything is coming at me and I cannot dodge it fast enough.

 

This hurts, people.

I tried counselling but it seemed all they wanted to do was force pills down my throat and tell me "things will get better".

 

I do not know what else to say.

I just cannot express my feelings enough in words.

 

I apologize for botherig you guys.

You can close this thread if you like.

I am sorry.

[cedric4691]

 

 

Does anyone here understand the level of hurt I am going through? I mean REALLY understand?

 

 

 

Yes, I think I do. My wife was the one person I thought I could always trust completely. Then I found out she has been hiding and lying about phone calls to one guy for nearly two years, and that she went out and met another guy after telling me she was going for a girl's night out. Even after confronting her with her lies, all she does is get more careful.

 

I could forgive her having an affair if she would just be honest about it, apologize, and agree to counselling. But so far none of that has happened, and I'm trying to reconcile myself to ending the marriage.

 

Like you, I let nearly all my relationships with others fade away. But I'm already starting to rebuild. I'm making efforts to get involved in new things and make some new guy friends -- its hard to build a social support structure from the ground up, but I'm convinced it can be done.

 

Nothing will make it stop hurting, I'm convinced, except time. That's the point I'm holding to. I've been through bad breakups in the past, and gotten over them, so I'm simply having faith I can bounce back from this one, too.

 

Hang in there!

[Guest8868]

You can buy a program that you installl on the computer. It saves all IM and emails that have been written. Yes, it is spying, but it is also peace of mind. If she wont tell you the truth, you have to find it out for yourself! Also, have you tried to IM her from another computer under a fake screen name? Find out how far she is willing to go? Games, I know but you didnt start them. I can feel your pain, I have been there and felt that.

[ReluctantRomeo]

I am just thinking I am too afraid of being alone.

Nice, huh? 300 pounds, can lift a car, tattooed, but scared of losing a girl...huh...guess I am a "wussy".

 

Sorry Dade, I meant well. I guess what I should say I like your niceness and I think it's great, but I feel she is taking advantage of it. I wanted you to stand up for yourself.

 

 

I have always lived by the mottos "What doesn't killl you makes you stronger" and "Only the strong survive" but after all this, I do not feel very strong inside.

 

Sometimes it doesn't make you stronger, I'm afraid.

 

 

I do not know what else to say.

I just cannot express my feelings enough in words.

 

Keep trying.

 

 

I apologize for botherig you guys.

You can close this thread if you like.

I am sorry.

 

It's no bother. Don't apologise - you're a great guy who has fallen on hard times.

 

Someone else should be apologising IMO, but not you.

[lindya]

Kay, suicide is not the answer. And Romio, don't be a dick. He does not have a "Wussy" attitude, he loves the girl.

 

I think Romeo is just trying to gee the OP up a bit, and I think your remark there was pretty uncalled for. If you read all of the advice Romeo's provided here, rather than just taking out one bit, you'll see that it was very well thought out and supportive.

 

Dade - the lack of a support network does seem to be an added problem for you here. I'm sure you know that none of this

 

I have yelled, fought, hospitalized the guys, questioned her, etc.

I am just thinking I am too afraid of being alone.

 

is helping the situation....but it sounds as if you need some help in getting out there a bit, and building up the helping network that will prevent you from being too dependent on one person (never a good position to be in...)

 

Maybe at the moment you need to just talk about what's been happening in your life and in your relationship. Once You certainly don't need to apologise for coming here and talking about your girlfriend cheating and the emotional impact that's had on you. That's what the site is for, after all...and although none of us will have clear and simple answers for you, spending a bit of time looking at the situation and getting other people's feedback might help you to be clearer about what you need to do to improve things.

 

At the moment it sounds as if you just need the space to tell your story and air your feelings. Again, that's what the site is for. Once you've got some of that out, you might be in a better position to work out how you're going to deal with this situation. It's a pity that counselling didn't help you before...but it can be a pretty lengthy process, that you have to put a lot of yourself into, before you start seeing benefits. Obviously, too, a lot depends on how skilled the counsellor is.

[barfool]

Yep, I recommend that you stay in counseling. Maybe not with the same person if you did not like him/her. And I know it sounds like BS when someone says "things will get better." That is one of the first large hurdles when getting through depression is to admit to yourself that there is at least the possibility that your life may improve, that things won't always be this way, that it is possible to move on.

 

Your fiance sounds like major trouble. I think that when someone cheats it is not always wrong to give them a second chance. But I do think that they have to work to regain your trust and need to do everything they can to be a sparkling clean example of a SO. Your fiance is obviously doing that. She is not respecting the fact that some of her behaviors are making you suspicious. If she truly cared about you and the relationship she would stop them immediately.

 

You really need to do what is best for you in the long run. It will most definitely hurt like hell but would you rather hurt now or for the rest of your time together?

[jmargel]

She might be there physically but emotionally she's not there. So what's the difference if you kick her out?

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over, expecting different results.

 

You want this to all stop? You want her to realize what she is doing to you? Then you have no choice but to use 'Tough Love'. What made her attracted to you? Your confidence. Women love that. However you are not showing confidence when it comes to this. You are rolling over & piddling like a puppy would when you yell at it. She has lost respect for you, not because it's your fault but because she is immature and not having to face any consequences.

 

When you see her today, say the following to her:

 

"I love you alot but I will not go through this anymore. It takes two to make a relationship work and I have held up my end but you have not. You have constantly disrespected & cheated on me and I know there are women out there that would love a guy like me. I want you to leave and when I am ready to talk I will call you".

 

Then make sure she does leave. Wait a few days (if she tries to call in between don't answer). Be distant to her, don't tell her you love her except in that quote I put up. When you do eventually call her, if you decide to stay with her, give her the ultamatium. Either you two see a marriage counselor or you are getting a divorce. If she won't see a counselor then you know she doesn't want to put any effort into the marriage and no matter what you do it's not going to work anymore.

 

Also read my link in my signature, it may help you. You won't get respect unless you show confidence and demand it. Make her face her consequences. She's been acting like a child for way too long now. Don't fall into the 'pity' ditch and how you 'will be lonely without her', because all that's going to do is make you a lonely man in the end.

 

Trust me, it works. I've used it myself. Some people don't realize what they have until it's in jeopardy. Sounds like she's the perfect example for this.

[dademurphy]

I have decided what to do.

Thanks, everyone.

 

Bye.

[barfool]

Good luck. I hope everything turns out well for you.

[dademurphy]

It will.

I found a solution.

This is my last post.

[jmargel]

Just don't do anything stupid. The way you worded your last post has me kinda worried. Hope you write back.

[Curmudgeon]

As for leaving, yes that would be an option. But after 10 years, how do you move on without the person? I mean, she has been near me for 10 years. That is like losing a leg or an arm. She is a part of me.

It's not easy but it can be done. I divorced the ex after 25 years of marriage that produced five children because of her infidelity. It was painful and life changing but it opened up a whole new world in which I eventually found real love and commitment.

 

Of course, after two years of licking my wounds I was open to the possibility. I can't imagine putting up with, accepting or settling for anything less.

[alfagrl]

Dademurphy,

 

I am 29 and have been with my BF for 6yrs. I do the same things your fiance does(well maybe not to the extent your women is doing) and I do it because i am not in love with him. why do I stay? because we have a history plus he make my life very comfortable. I bet you do everything for her, as my man does for me, she feels your a saftey net. 10 years this has been her behavior and she hasn't stopped. Its turely a lack of repect for you, your relationship and your wishes. Its only a matter of time before she realizes she's not ready to get married and this is her acting out or a way for her to back out. She is not threatend by your talks because she knows it just words.

 

If you go into this marriage hoping things will get better. Guess again.

[jmargel]

Dademurphy,

Its turely a lack of repect for you, your relationship and your wishes

 

Well then give your bf what he deserves, a chance at true love. Quit using him and end the relationship. You are cheating him & yourself out of true love.