SFJD Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 I'm really depressed. My BF has a kid. My BF and his ex (his son's mom) had a really bad break up, went thru the courts, had no contact orders etc. See, his son was conceived right when he broke up with her. He didn't know. He met me soon afterwards. She called him like 4 mos later saying she was pregnant. He tried to get back with her for the sake of the baby, but she was mad that he already was dating someone etc. and wouldn't have him back. Anyway, she contacted me when they were trying to get back together asking me if I was still talking to him. I told her yes, we did talk once, but it was with the understanding that he was gonna work things out with her. This angered her b/c he was prolly telling her that he broke it off with me (which he did, although we did talk that one time). Anyway, They decided to have no contact until the baby was born. I stayed with him. His son was born, but at the time he was born, his ex was with someone new and my bf was with me. They tried to co-parent, but something happened where she got mad b/c he wouldn't return his son earlier than they agreed b/c he was working.. she got a restraining order trying to say that he was gonna kidnap the son. The judge threw it out b/c there was no merit to it. Anyway, she was really mad and hurt at him understandably b/c he wasn't with her during the pregnancy b/c he was with me. They both agreed on a no contact order and the only communication they would have would be thru email. Now, thier son is 19 mos, things have settled down, and she reopoened the past by saying things like "why didn't we work out" and he said "I would've done anything for you, but you were with your new BF" etc.. she said she will always love him and is not sure that she could ever get over him, started calling me a home wrecker. She blamed the whole reason why her son doesn't have a family on me. She said during that one conversation that I had with her 2 years ago I tried to say things to get her to stop seeing my BF (that he was the one who couldn't let go of me.. that it was me fighting him off with a stick - which of course were lies). Anyway, she's using this against me and now has got my BF wondering if they ever really gave it a shot. She's living with her new BF right now too (but may leave soon). During all this time, I formed a bond with his son as I would accompany my BF to all his visits etc. Anyway, since his ex has told my BF that she will always love him etc.. they started to talk about how things went wrong etc, I guess that reawakened feelings. Initially my BF told me that this was good for them to get all thier feelings out and not hate one another, to build a friendship for the sake of thier son, but I felt it was more than that. 2 days ago my BF told me he wanted space to decide what he wants .. whether he should stay with me I guess. He said he has all these issues with his ex, and its not my fault. Apparently he still has feelings for her, after being with me for like a year and a half after the birth of thier son. I guess he thought she hated him and he tried to move on, but when he found out that she still cares, I guess that reawakened feelings. This really hurts. I guess I'm just waiting for the boot b/c there is no way I can compete with the mom of his son.. I mean they share a blood bond... I'm just depressed and feel so betrayed. I thought he loved me and was over her =( Oh ya.. I'm doubly screwed b/c I have the bar exam in 3 weeks and I'm a total wreck. Anyway, thanks for your time in reading this, I just need to vent.. never ever had my heart broken like this before.....
ThatOneGuy Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Im sorry to hear all this bad stuff is happening to you right before your bar exam. Love is fickle. Sometimes it’s as strong as any other force in the world, and sometimes it blows away on a careless wind. Im sorry that your heart is broken like it is, and that your boyfriend can’t see what a good relationship he already had with you, instead of going back to the mother who has already caused enough trouble as it is. Some people don’t realize what they have until its gone. Sad, but true. Anyway, I know none of this makes you feel any better, your heart is probably still torn asunder, but... you have my condolences. I wish you the best of luck, hopefully he’ll make the right choice. (You).
Author SFJD Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 OMG what a sweet response. Thanks for actually taking the time to read my post and respond. I actually feel better. My BF is confused, and I guess I don't deserve that after devoting so much time to him and our relationship. I feel like I'm losing 2 people - my BF and his son. I'm better off finding someone who can commit to me fully. But its hard, b/c I loved this guy so much and thought he may be "the one"... but now that I look at things more objectively, I think I was more in love with him than he was with me. Just sorta hard to accept the harsh reality.
littlekitty Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 God I really really feel for you. My bf also has a son by his exgf. It's always hard when that 3rd adult is involved in your relationship. I love his son, but his ex gf is a nightmare. It's hard having a relationship with someone who has that bond with an ex. And I can imagine how heart broken you are to not only loose your bf but his son too. I would be devestated. I can't give you any brilliant advice, I truely wish I could. It's hard to compete with the bond that they have. Clearly thoughout the relationship there has been those unresolved feelings and emotions. I'm not sure how much you could have done to protect yourself other than to have walked away when she got pregnant and not taken that chance on him. It seems that maybe you didn't pick up on the fact that he wasn't not with her because of what they saw as fundamental flaws in their relationship, but rather because of timing/emotions. It doesn't sound like he was very specific in that he knew things wouldn't work and that that's why he wasn't there with her. I guess my only advice is should you ever find yourself in this type of situation again is to make sure that there are no residual feelings there. That he is not with her, not because she's upset about this or that, but because he knows that long term thier relationship will not work. My bf is aware that although he loves his son, things would never work out with him and his ex. They have different morals, likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams etc. They live different ways, different lives. As much as he wishes he could be a family for his son, he knows that the family we provide will be a better, happier one. He simply wasn't the best dad he could be when he was with her as he was soooo miserable and unhappy. Keep your head up, you did the right thing! I hope you feel better soon!!
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