CaliGuy Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 Oh it works. No contact is nice in theory, but in practice it's pretty unrealistic. When you're broken up with you feel absolutley miserable, misplaced and heartbroken. You can barely get out of bed enough to be productive for yourself, and the concept of no contact is about giving the other person space and giving you time to get your life together. That's a nice idea if you weren't thinking and hoping to get back together most of the time. So mostly it's a tactic in the game of lust in which you are hoping that this distance will make that person wonder about you and come back to you. Now, it's intended to get you to feel better and eliminate wishes and hopes, but less face it, you won't feel better, and it won't rid you of wanting. I think in order to eradicate these obsessive thoughts and emotions is to be honest. Honestly, you want to call. You're in a desperate place. Will it get the person back to you? No. But you knew they probably wouldn't come back any ****ing way. And chances are when a relationship ends it's not just one person feeling like it's not gonna work out. At least if you call and talk and "try" you are being honest with yourself. If they cuss you out and say no more then you know where you stand. And let me tell you, that is more of a motivational tool than just someone nicely telling you that they need space and not calling you, leaving you in a world of pain where you're forced to pretend you're okay in their honor. So I say go for it. You'll know exactly where you stand. You probably won't get this person back, but who cares? The book is closed. Not true. The book is 'closed' when the Ex says it's over. That is your closure. You may choose not to accept it and get your hopes up of a reconcilliation but really that is you doing it to yourself, not them. NC is not a tool to win them back. It's only purpose is to help you get on with your life as soon as possible. Your Ex's don't make you feel bad, it's you giving them the power over your feelings that makes you feel bad. When you've decided you want control of your life back you'll respect yourself enough to say "If they don't want me that's fine. I'll be OK without them." Getting closure by telling them off as I mentioned earlier only proves to your Ex they 'own' you and your feelings. It solidifies their decision to leave. If you stick to NC and they want to come back later then the power is in your hands. Hopefully by that time you've moved on to someone better for you. Do as you wish, but understand that the only person responsible for giving you closure is yourself.
luvtoto Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 You say that no contact is about you and not them and yet scattered throughout your statement to this person is all about how the ex will feel about the situation. "The ex will respect you, the ex will look back and regret it" That really isn't helpful for healing his situation and giving him closure. And if she runs into the ex years down the road she'll be over it by then. She'll hopefully be a stronger, hot looking person and the ex will probably have forgotten about bad things and remember the quintessential good things. If it's about her then she has every right to put an end to things her way. It takes back some of the control that was lost when she was dumped. That's far healthier than repression. This wasn't just a statement...it was a true story for me. I was dumped by my fiance for no other reason but that he was a selfish prick. If I had it my way, I would have ended things by becoming a stark raving mad bitch!! Eventhough, deep down, I was hurt beyond repair and he never really knew how badly he hurt me. I hugged him and maturely moved on with my life. I didn't repress anything, trust me...I felt every little bit of pain and went through it without reacting to it. Now, years later the pain is gone, but I occassionally run into him, his parents, his friends, his kids (small town)...and I don't feel any embarrassment or humiliation. I actually I feel pretty damn good about how I handled things in that bad time by not leashing out at him. That in turn builds my self-esteem. That's how I gained control back that was lost when I got dumped.
trone Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 So what if you tried to got her back couple times right after the break up and she initiated the NC with you. Does she really care that you do not contact to her? I dont think so. In my case she thinks she will get hurt if we talk again so decided not to reply any phone calls, emails or text messages from me. I do not contact mainly bec I know that she wont reply
starr3546 Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 I have been doing NC sincce the 1st week of november, and guess what, my x called me and invited me out to coffee, it is the first time i have seen him in months, besides a month ago running into him at the bar for about one sec. During our get together, he spoke in circles a lot and kept telling me how there wasn't anyone good out there. I wanted him back so bad when we first broke up and it was so hard not to call, but hey i healed a little more everyday, still not perfectly in tact and sadly i still love him, but....look what NC did, it showed him A that i don't need him, B that i am not psycho, and C it gave him the time to figure things out. He hasn't called me since i last saw him sunday when we had coffee, but he kept calling out get together a date, so lets see if he calls again. All i know is NC is the best way to go and the only way to have a healthy healing time.
jerbear Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 So what if you tried to got her back couple times right after the break up and she initiated the NC with you. Does she really care that you do not contact to her? I dont think so. In my case she thinks she will get hurt if we talk again so decided not to reply any phone calls, emails or text messages from me. I do not contact mainly bec I know that she wont reply If one keeps on pushing and breaking NC, you might get a RO (restraining order) There is really no reason to contact only to get slapped again.
Author preferwhispers Posted February 1, 2006 Author Posted February 1, 2006 Oh it works. No contact is nice in theory, but in practice it's pretty unrealistic. When you're broken up with you feel absolutley miserable, misplaced and heartbroken. You can barely get out of bed enough to be productive for yourself, and the concept of no contact is about giving the other person space and giving you time to get your life together. That's a nice idea if you weren't thinking and hoping to get back together most of the time. So mostly it's a tactic in the game of lust in which you are hoping that this distance will make that person wonder about you and come back to you. Now, it's intended to get you to feel better and eliminate wishes and hopes, but less face it, you won't feel better, and it won't rid you of wanting. I think in order to eradicate these obsessive thoughts and emotions is to be honest. Honestly, you want to call. You're in a desperate place. Will it get the person back to you? No. But you knew they probably wouldn't come back any ****ing way. And chances are when a relationship ends it's not just one person feeling like it's not gonna work out. At least if you call and talk and "try" you are being honest with yourself. If they cuss you out and say no more then you know where you stand. And let me tell you, that is more of a motivational tool than just someone nicely telling you that they need space and not calling you, leaving you in a world of pain where you're forced to pretend you're okay in their honor. So I say go for it. You'll know exactly where you stand. You probably won't get this person back, but who cares? The book is closed. flakyapplepie is right. sometimes you need to do what you need to do. i told you all that i sent a text message the other night. after receiving a mostly nonresponsive reply, i decided to call her yesterday. she agreed to meet me for a drink. now here's where some background may be important. as i mentioned in another post, when she ended it i was very strong. i did not ask questions, i did not cry, i just got out of bed, got dressed, and left. i was pretty proud of myself! then, having been given advice on this board and by friends, and began NC. the only communication we had was about getting our stuff back, but it was emotionless. i wondered if it was that way because she was following my lead. i didn't know, and there was no way to find out. and so... more questions started to pop up. why did this happen? how does she feel, specifically? what was the problem? where do we stand? i had no answers, only guesses. so that's when I said "screw it." For me, I needed to sit down and hear what it was. What happened to the beautiful relationship that we had, from her perspective, and yes, I needed to have her hear mine. that was what i was able to do last night. and without going into details, let me tell you, i am so very happy that i did. our conversation was so honest and sweet that i felt totally at peace with the decision that we had (now) both made. you'd better believe i am still heartbroken, but i am no longer sitting and wondering, no longer looking at the phone, no longer checking my email every 3 minutes, no longer worried that if i turn off my phone and she calls but doesn't leave a message i will never know. instead, we allowed ourselves that one last laugh, that one last loving glance into each other's eyes, and that one last kiss. the shock had subsided, we needed to say goodbye. and as i leaned against the wall and watched her walk away, her image growing smaller until i could no longer see her, i knew i'd be alright. what we had doesn't disappear in an instant, and i'm hopeful that our paths will cross again someday. but i am comfortable to set out in this new life without that as a driving force. what will happen will happen. in the end, i love her, and myself, all the more for having the strength to be 'weak'
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