I had an abortion, and he doesn't know about it yet

January 31, 2006

I really need advice from the wise or people who have experienced something similar to this situation..

not here for a religious statement.

I'm 24, with a good steady job, but not physical nor emotionally ready to bring a new life at the time being, an he's definitely not financially ready or mentally. The father is my on/off boyfriend of 4 years, whom i'm really trying to forget and move on. And recently told him i wasn't ready for commitment, yet i would still spend time with him. We really do love each other, i really do. But we carry a lot of history and bagagge, which IMO neither of us can handle it anymore and it's keeping us from accomplishing a future.

2 weeks ago i find out i'm 6 weeks pregnant and i was informed that i have the chance to get it done without surgery, "the medical pill", and went through with it, withouth thinking it twice. With my friends and my mom's support, i made my decision. And also agreed not to tell the father, as he had experienced it in the past with his ex, he felt horrible and was against it, and well...At that time nothing was going to stop me, otherwise he would've been able to convince not to.

However, right now I feel so much confusion and not sure if telling him would be the right choice..don't want more people to find out. I was just 2 minutes away from calling him and confessing everything. What should I do, he's been calling me and i've been ignoring his calls.

January 31, 2006

How long ago was this? 2 weeks? Your hormones are probably still adjusting.

Honestly, I think your initial decision not to tell him was right, given what you wrote. Why did you want to tell him? What did you hope it would accomplish?

January 31, 2006

I don't think he needs to know. If he didn't contribute anything financially or emotionally, it's not really any of his business.

And if he's going to get upset, it's just going to upset you.

Let it go and move forward.

January 31, 2006

Did he know you were pregnant? If not then why are you worrying about this?

January 31, 2006

Because I have a terrible guilt about it, i love him, and we've spoken at times about having kids in a future.

I know he shouldn't, but my mom keeps mentioning that he should know, it was also his responsibility and he should cooperate with the $450, which ofcourse came from my own pocket. I don't care about the money, i was able to afford it. I wanted to get it done, and move on. I even planned a trip to visit my Dad back in Spain for fresh air, and would probably start a new beginning there since i miss it so much.

He's still in love with me and he's been more than caring, always. Maybe it's a stupid reason..

I believe, after so many years together, he deserves closure, and for having such a vindictive personality i've cheated back at him and our trust ended (long story)... but for the both of us, to give the relationship closure and honesty, it was his baby after all - and my mom might be right (??) otherwise why would she advise me to do so? she hates him.

It might help, so he stops calling me.. and i can move on. i really don't know. and now he's texting me. I think he feels something's wrong.

January 31, 2006

I know you're 24 and don't feel ready, and I believe you. I also believe you have troubles in your relationship, so maybe it wouldn't be the very best time/place for you to have a kid.

I think you've handled this by avoiding anything that would be uncomfortable for you. I don't consider this the best, most mature way of dealing with things.

You chose not to tell him you were pregnant, because that would have been hard.

You should have told him. At a minimum you should have told him what your choice was. But you also should have given him an opportunity to give his side of it. Born or not, sentient or not, it was his kid, too. Maybe he would have come through for you and made all the love you talk about actually amount to something.

You chose not to have the baby, because that would have been hard.

I personally don't agree that abortion is justified simply because you don't "feel ready", but won't argue that point any further. This is your choice.

You are choosing not to tell him now, because that would be hard.

All I have to say is that if a girlfriend of mine (or ex) confessed to me that she had been pregnant with my child and had aborted it and had never told me about any of it, I would feel so incredibly low and betrayed and insulted. I think that that is maybe the hugest slap in the face you can deliver. "I didn't care enough about you or your child to tell you. I didn't care about your point of view and didn't want you to have any say in it. I didn't care about your feelings on something so important. All the unimportant, easy stuff was fine, but not that."

I understand you were scared and maybe you don't really hate him that much. But you should consider what kind of person you really want to be in life. Ironically, I think having a child would shape you up in a hurry.

I'm sorry. I know this is painful for you. More than I can imagine.

January 31, 2006

Don't feel guilty, it was YOUR decision, if he was to push you into having the child you would've held resentment for him and yourself for having it. It was only 6 weeks in and you just took a pill. ITS OVER. Break it off with him, you obviously want to, and start a new. There are millions of opportunities out there, will you take them?

January 31, 2006

I think the right thing would have been to tell him you were carrying his offspring from the beginning. It shouldn't be just about you; after all, the child was half his and he had a right to know. But now that you've gone and done this without consulting him, I don't think there's much to be gained from telling him. You'll hurt him, and no good can come of it. So just keep your yap shut, and next time think of the other party too before you go and abort their child without their consent.

January 31, 2006

I agree w/ Johan and BlahBlahQueen, so I wont go into that part.....

But I also wanted to say that I dont think it would be good for him to know at this point. I think the only reason you want to tell him about it now is because you feel guilty about keeping it from him. You need to think about him and how much it will damage him that 2 girls he was in relationships with aborted his babies.

He is already scarred by the other girl that did this to him....please dont put him through the agony that he'll have for the rest of his life knowing that multiple women did this. It will cause SERIOUS issues for him, and he doesnt deserve that kind of pain.

Please dont be selfish, and think about HIM. Your guilt is yours, and he should not have to pay for it

January 31, 2006

It is the woman's decision. Not the couple's. And if a woman feels uncomfortable telling such a thing to the suspected father, that already suggests that the relationship is unhealthy.

Does anyone think it is obligatory to have the baby if you know the relationship will not work out?

These issues are anything but easy, even rationally speaking. For instance the guilt issue. Who is to blame? Both are to blame, but that does not solve anything, and does not mean that klandes is right, and the bf is wrong or vice versa. It is useless exercise to blame one or both partners.

As for who deserves the pain, that is an useless question. You cannot attribute responsibility for matters in a relationship to a single person, and that includes birth-control, by whatever means practiced.

You can avoid giving pain to your boyfriend, and as telling him does not seem to lessen the guilt and the pain for you, it seems recommended that no-one tells him. The fact that more than one person knows, however means that you will not be certain that everyone keeps it a secret from you.

At the same time, not telling him makes a relationship harder, if not impossible. But as the relationship was not healthy to begin with, that is barely an issue here.

January 31, 2006

No, I didn't choose to do it because it would've been hard for me, but because there was no future for a baby in our present condition.

Me telling him or not, it would've been an abortion either way. We've had a false alarm in the past and he agreed to go through with it, if it was my choice, and would give me %100 support towards my decision, even though it would still hurt or open a new wound from his past. Telling me his past experience the pregnancy was a fetus (4 months), not an early pregnancy.

This guilt should be shared by him as well as the responsibility, he would never enjoy having sex with a condom, and wouldn't mind about the concequences during the short time that i wasn't under BC. I'm not justifying myself yet part of me feels as if he really wanted this to happen, in order for me to commit and move in with him. I take full blame as it is, however this is and will scar me for life as much as it would do to him.

Him knowing could reiterate the fact that our relationship is doomed, his addictions were unstoppable and i couldn't deal with it anymore. It would've been an unhealty child. It might make him hate me this will evidently put an end to our endless issues.

What do i do, if i see him? how do i hold it inside?

January 31, 2006

I hardly know all your circumstances, but I will say that I *strongly* believe in your right to control your body and your life, just as I believe bringing an unwanted child into the world is a recipe for destroying three lives. If you felt you couldn't cope, then *I* think you made the right decision.

That said, however, you made the decision alone, and in the circumstances you are going to have to deal with it alone. Guilt is an inevitable feeling, but you will eventually move on. Do NOT make a decision based on guilt, because you will regret it when the guilt passes (and it will). Certainly do not dump your guilt on someone else, especially when you did not give that someone else a choice in what's caused it.

Before picking up that phone again, as yourself this: what possible good could come out of telling the father? Think this through very carefully. If you come up with a single good, positive reason why he needs to know now that the deed is done(other than the couple of hundred dollars) I would be surprised. Him feeling guilty is not a good reason. It may rebound on you.

I do feel for you - abortion may be one of the most common gynaological procedures around, but it's also probably one of the most emotionally draining. Take time to recover before doing anything rash. Going on what you say, your mother is prejudiced toward the boy and is probably not helping the situation (which is probably understandable - she will naturally blame your boyfriend rather than you). But you shouldn't suffer alone. My advice would be to find a female friend who you trust and talk and cry it out with her. Or maybe visit a counsellor or your family planning clinic. They can help you work things through.

Then, move past this current relationship. The very fact you didn't feel you could discuss this is proof enough that the relationship is just not working. But telling him in the name of "honesty" won't fix things, and keeping it a secret will posion the relationship still more.

January 31, 2006

you're absolutely right. i needed to read that. nothing good will come out. absolutely nothing.

i just felt that having his arm around me this time around would have been nice and comforting. we've been there for each other so many times.

it's hard but i have to go on, and keep avoiding him at all costs. it's my own punishment.

January 31, 2006

Don't tell him. What good is it going to do? If you need to discuss any feelings of guilt, go and see a counsellor.

You can't ask him to help pay for something that he knew nothing about.

I think you need to decide now if you want him in your future or not. If you do, take precautions or you may find yourself in the same situation again

January 31, 2006

As for who deserves the pain, that is an useless question. You cannot attribute responsibility for matters in a relationship to a single person, and that includes birth-control, by whatever means practiced.

Actually D'Arthez, that's a pretty illogical statement. If the choice for carrying the pregnancy to term -- or not -- was hers, then it was her responsibility to make exercise her reproductive destiny or use birth control in order to avoid pregnancy in the first place. It can't be a solo decision in one case and a group one in another. It's either-or or neither-nor or both.

As far as telling the guy? Considering that you've already had the abortion without telling him, why bother telling him now? Do him a favor and move on. You haven't exactly shown yourself to be responsible; if you were, you would have made sure that you both used protection -- so as to not get pregnant as well as, in the case of condoms, avoid STDs -- and you would have at least informed him about the pregnancy in order to gauge where he stood, even if you decided to have the abortion anyway.

January 31, 2006

Actually D'Arthez, that's a pretty illogical statement. If the choice for carrying the pregnancy to term -- or not -- was hers, then it was her responsibility to make exercise her reproductive destiny or use birth control in order to avoid pregnancy in the first place.

Of course she has responsibility there. She can't make herself pregnant.

But so does her boyfriend. And klandes already described how her boyfriend responded to the whole fertility issue, not wanting to use condoms etc, despite the fact that he

would never enjoy having sex with a condom, and wouldn't mind about the concequences during the short time that i wasn't under BC.

An on/off relationship suggest more is happening, all of which klandes does not have to share. To absolve bf from guilt of getting klandes pregnant is a stretch of the imagination.

It can't be a solo decision in one case and a group one in another. It's either-or or neither-nor or both.

Yes, it can. Pregnancies are not shared between the two parents to be, but rest solely on the woman. That is purely because of physiology. A man cannot bear the child for 9 months.

And what do you think would happen in healthy relationships? Of course the woman would talk with the suspected father. The moment that happens, it is a group decision.

By no means pregnancies solely occur in healthy situations. This was obviously not a healthy situation. I do not know the guy, but if pleasure is more important than the fact that it messes two (three) lives up, then yes, I would not expect him to make sound decisions in the new situation either (knowing of the pregnancy, before abortion was taken).

if you were [responsible], you would have made sure that you both used protection -- so as to not get pregnant as well as, in the case of condoms, avoid STDs -- and you would have at least informed him about the pregnancy in order to gauge where he stood, even if you decided to have the abortion anyway.

Well, we know how responsible bf responded to klandes expressed concerns. We know that both of them did not consider pregnancy the greatest idea of the time. That however does not mean, that said bf was responsible in the matter. His enjoyment of sex was apparently more important to him, than to avoid such a situation.

And telling him would only have led to increased pressure on klandes to keep the baby, which she was not willing to do. We could have expected a lot of guilt-trips, which would have had a detrimental effect on klandes.

If she would have taken the abortion then, it is end of relationship, with the added issue of being called a murderer for a joint responsibility. Great ...

If she would not have taken the abortion then, my bet is that she would have become a single mom, even before the baby was born. The relationship lacked stability (on/off). Add to that:

he's definitely not financially ready or mentally [ready].

.

January 31, 2006

To tell him now would only be to absolve yourself of guilt. It won't do him, or you any real good. It's too late for him to have a say now.

January 31, 2006

I'm not judging you but i personally couldn't have killed my baby even with a pill!! But being you was in that situation you done what was best for you and you didn't want him in your life because he wouldn't have been there for you financially or emotionally so you felt you would be alone.. If i didn't want it i would have given it up for an adoption,but again not judging what you done .. It is your body and your decision ,you could tell him but what will it gain ? Ask yourself these questions? Do you want him back ? Are you feeling guilty for what you done ? Do you wish you didn't do it?

January 31, 2006

It is the woman's decision. Not the couple's.

THAT'S A LOAD OF BULLCRAP. It's BOTH PARENTS' decision. The child is not just the woman's, it's BOTH of theirs. Just because the woman has to bear the child does not mean that the child isn't carrying half of the man's genes. It's HIS child too. There's NO getting around that. If a man can't have a say in whether a child comes into this world, then he should not be made to pay child support. For that matter, his name should not even be on the birth certificate. He donated half the child's genetic matter - half its EXISTENCE... if you don't feel a connection to, or responsibility for, your offspring, then by God, have a vasectomy.

January 31, 2006

THAT'S A LOAD OF BULLCRAP. It's BOTH PARENTS' decision. The child is not just the woman's, it's BOTH of theirs. Just because the woman has to bear the child does not mean that the child isn't carrying half of the man's genes. It's HIS child too. There's NO getting around that. If a man can't have a say in whether a child comes into this world, then he should not be made to pay child support. For that matter, his name should not even be on the birth certificate. He donated half the child's genetic matter - half its EXISTENCE... if you don't feel a connection to, or responsibility for, your offspring, then by God, have a vasectomy.

Regardless if a male deposits sperm in a woman, it is her physical body that must carry the child. Should we also dictate what she consumes while pregnant? Both may donate genetic material to the offspring but the offspring would not develope without the womans body. How much control is this pregnant woman allowed over her own body?

I agree a man should not have to pay child support if he wants the fetus aborted. There should be a law that allows that. It certainly would stop quite a few women from trapping men into marriage and relationships. IMHO

a4a

January 31, 2006

However, right now I feel so much confusion and not sure if telling him would be the right choice..don't want more people to find out. I was just 2 minutes away from calling him and confessing everything. What should I do, he's been calling me and i've been ignoring his calls.

What do you think it is that's placing you in this dilemma as to whether or not you should tell him? If you're trying to work out the ethics, then I think you have an impossible task ahead of you as demonstrated in this thread. There are varying views about the "right thing to do" in a situation like this...and, of course, everyone will feel that their view is the morally/politically/logically correct one.

My advice would be that you set up a counselling session so that you can talk this over with someone who's trained to take an objective stance in assisting you to work out what the best action would be for YOU - rather than confusing yourself further by eliciting opinions from people on a message board. This site can be helpful with some matters, but issues such as abortion always seem to draw out strong opinions, value judgements and personal agendas...none of which will necessarily help you clarify your thinking about this.

January 31, 2006

Regardless if a male deposits sperm in a woman, it is her physical body that must carry the child. Should we also dictate what she consumes while pregnant? Both may donate genetic material to the offspring but the offspring would not develope without the womans body. How much control is this pregnant woman allowed over her own body?

Fair enough, let's say that the genetic heritage of the child makes the decision 50/50, but the pregnancy makes the decision 100/0... average that out and let's say that the decision should be 75% the woman's and 25% the man's. Deal?

January 31, 2006

If a man can't have a say in whether a child comes into this world, then he should not be made to pay child support.

In some cases I agree, as it is sometimes absurd to claim that the father wanted the child. Remember the case of the divorced woman, who inseminated herself with the sperm of her ex, after they had broken up, and did so without his knowledge, and he was still required to pay child support?

It is absurd to assume, just because ideologically speaking it is held to be a mutual responsibility, to assume that because pregnancy occurs both are always responsible for it to occur. Unless of course, you would not mind to check your gf 24/7 to make certain that she actually takes the bc-pills. Uses the patch, and whatever else is available, in addition to using all male contraceptives available. I can see, this is a great display of trust in one's partner.

Same holds for cases were men deliberately puncture the condoms, or women who deliberately lie about using birth-control with the sole intent to get pregnant by her victim.

For that matter, his name should not even be on the birth certificate. He donated half the child's genetic matter - half its EXISTENCE.

Half if its existence? Last time I checked, a human does have more than 23 chromosomes. Normally 46. And a human with 23 chromosomes is not viable, i.e. cannot live. Even though the contribution is 50%, it is still granting the whole of life. The same for the woman.

About 1 in 10 children have a biological father different than the guy who is on the birth certificate. So what does the birth certificate prove?

February 1, 2006

Half if its existence? Last time I checked, a human does have more than 23 chromosomes. Normally 46. And a human with 23 chromosomes is not viable, i.e. cannot live. Even though the contribution is 50%, it is still granting the whole of life. The same for the woman.

About 1 in 10 children have a biological father different than the guy who is on the birth certificate. So what does the birth certificate prove?

Exactly what is your point? I see nothing here that negates anything I said...

February 1, 2006

She can't make herself pregnant.

But so does her boyfriend. And klandes already described how her boyfriend responded to the whole fertility issue, not wanting to use condoms etc, despite the fact that he

But he can't insert himself in her -- except in the case of rape -- unless she chooses to let him. And from what she has said, there was no rape involved. Essentially it's her decision to let this man sleep with her without using condoms; she therefore is responsible for getting pregnant. Period. He may have shot the semen into her, but she allowed him to do so. Enough said.

And what do you think would happen in healthy relationships? Of course the woman would talk with the suspected father. The moment that happens, it is a group decision.

But under the law -- and in reality -- it isn't a joint decision. Remember Roe v. Wade: A woman has the right under the law to choose whether to proceed with or terminate a pregnancy. A man has no right to determine a woman's reproductive destiny under the law. Just because they discuss the matter with one another means it becomes a joint decision.

Imagine if you will that someone came to you to discuss whether they would sell a stock. Then that person decides to sell. Was that a joint decision because that person discussed the matter with you? Unless you are a fiduciary in the matter -- be it a trustee, a court-appointed guardian or an executor of an estate -- it isn't a joint decision.

Same with pregnancy. The woman, under the law, can proceed with a pregnancy or an abortion as she wishes. She can choose to inform the man who she allowed to shoot the sperm inside of her to start the process or not. She can even discuss all the ramifications with him. But ultimately, it's her choice.

Sorry, but Klandes' boyfriend was from all accounts, merely a sperm donor whose seed was unwanted by the girl and thus, the fruits of that seed were disposed. He has no responsibility to her and she has none to him.

BlahBlahQueen said: Exactly what is your point? I see nothing here that negates anything I said...

He has none.

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I had an abortion, and he doesn't know about it yet

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