benditlikebeckham Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 I have been happily married for 8 years. About a year ago, I logged into my husband's email and found some emails from this girl who lives in U.K. She sent him 2 or 3 emails with photos of her. Random pics. A few were her head shots and others were of her home town. Her photos were some with and others without any clothes on. Her head shots taken in her bedroom. There was also an email with a large attachment. It was her personal video mpeg of her showing her body and touching her private areas, lying in her bed naked. At the end of the video, she blows a kiss and says "I love you sweetheart." Bear in mind (the girl is pretty ugly and fat). Even my husband admits this ! I found these emails and confronted my husband. He was obviously very guilty at first and then apologised to me. He told me he emailed the girl a last time and told her that she basically ruined our marriage and that he was going to have no contact with her ever again. He closed all various email accounts etc. In my after conversations with my husband - he says the following :- The girl and him have been talking for many years online, from even before he met me and married me. He says she was actually pretty decent until she sent him all this stuff. He was shocked when he received the photos and video, but he continued talking to her via chat for months onwards. Nothing more than "hi" "hellos". My husband promises me that he never encouraged this kind of behaviour or led her to believe he wanted any explict material. He says she just kept insisting that she had something to show him and then finally one day sent those emails. He says she is disturbed and comes from a broken home and rebellious and may have been interested in him at one point. Its possible she was doing this to seek his attention. THIS IS HIS VERSION OF WHAT HAPPENED. I am extremely unhappy about this whole deal but trying to maintain my calm and re-build our relationship. Only because my husband keeps saying he wants nothing of that world, and only thing he wants is me and our family. I know he loves me very much. No doubt. AFTER THE EVENT (6-9 months later) A few weeks ago, I found out that the girl my husband was chatting with online turns out to be related to my cousin's husband. She's his far relative. This is PURE SHOCKING REVELATION !!! My QUESTION IS :- Now that I know shes part of my distant family, should I confront her and report all to her family and make her shameful. b) Should I consider this as cheating by my husband ? c) Should I trust my husband and his words ? I have also emailed the girl and told her how disgusted I am with her beahviour and she has never replied to me. She also doesn't know that my cousin is married to her cousin !! PLEASE PLEASE HELP !! How should I resolve this issue ??
phyrespryte Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice. This is a really confusing situation and I have no idea what you should do. Was it cheating? I think so and I think you know that. I mean she made him a porn video. It's not exactly something family members do to bond. Your husband hasn't been completely honest with you. He didn't tell you that he was related to this woman. So for me I would have a hard time trusting anything he has said or will say. The thing is. I don't know if it really matters that she was related to him. I think that maybe this is bothering you b/c it wasn't some random stranger. That he was cheating with someone close to you and you didn't know. I don't know. Really it's your choice if you want to forgive him. And only you know if you could trust him again. Personally I don't think that I could ever trust him again. Especially since he wasn't 100% honest about her when you confronted him.
Presario Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 (...)should I confront her and report all to her family and make her shameful. If you think that this will effectively stop their relationship, then yes, do it. If there will be side effects (like your humiliation, your husband retaliation), then perhaps no. You know your and her family, so you know what's best to do. If you decide not to do it, keep the photos and the movie safe -- they may come in useful later. Should I consider this as cheating by my husband ? Yes. Don't buy your husband's argument that she sent the dirty stuff even though he didn't want it. You don't send such stuff to random people. If your husband was so upset by the pics and movie, why did he keep it? Probably to jerk off. He should have told you about this and shown you the movie. Why didn't he do it? Perhaps he enjoyed that and counted on more? Correct me if I'm wrong: he got several dirty emails, and not in a batch, but over a period of time. If he was clean why didn't he tell her to stop sending such emails? He should have done it, but apparently didn't because he liked them. My wife has a friend who has a crush on her. Several times he told her he wants to have an affair. The difference is that my wife keeps me updated. If he sent my wife some dirty content, she would tell me right away. Should I trust my husband and his words? No. He has been hiding this relationship for a long time. He wanted it and knew that telling the truth would end it. He may still be hiding something from you. It's up to him to rebuild your trust. If I were you, it would take years to rebuild mine. Benditlikebeckham, you've got a nice nickname. I liked that movie too. Actually, I liked the girls there more. Good luck! Keep us posted.
Author benditlikebeckham Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 I think maybe I did not explain my initial post well enough.. a) The girl is NOT related to my husband. I just came to find out few days back through our community that she is related to MY cousin's husband. So for my husband she was always a stranger and never related to any of us. b) The emails did arrive at the same time. Only once. They did not come in batches over time. I do not know why he never deleted them. They were sent to an email address he hardly used often. He said he never deleted them because he hardly uses that account. That is a true fact. I knew that for myself.
incognito Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Yes. Don't buy your husband's argument that she sent the dirty stuff even though he didn't want it. You don't send such stuff to random people. If your husband was so upset by the pics and movie, why did he keep it? Probably to jerk off. He should have told you about this and shown you the movie. Why didn't he do it? Perhaps he enjoyed that and counted on more? Correct me if I'm wrong: he got several dirty emails, and not in a batch, but over a period of time. If he was clean why didn't he tell her to stop sending such emails? He should have done it, but apparently didn't because he liked them. My wife has a friend who has a crush on her. Several times he told her he wants to have an affair. The difference is that my wife keeps me updated. If he sent my wife some dirty content, she would tell me right away. Exactly!!!!! You're still not getting the truth from your husband.
incognito Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 I think maybe I did not explain my initial post well enough.. a) The girl is NOT related to my husband. I just came to find out few days back through our community that she is related to MY cousin's husband. So for my husband she was always a stranger and never related to any of us. b) The emails did arrive at the same time. Only once. They did not come in batches over time. I do not know why he never deleted them. They were sent to an email address he hardly used often. He said he never deleted them because he hardly uses that account. That is a true fact. I knew that for myself. And he had her send it to that address because he knows it's not his main account.
phyrespryte Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 Ok sorry misunderstood some things. I still think it was cheating though. It might have started out friendly, but it turned into something more. And if it was innocent he should've told you what was going on. And he shouldn't have kept those emails. I agree with Presario it's up to your husband to rebuild your trust.
Author benditlikebeckham Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 So, I have been constantly upset and I asked my husband to email the girl and explain to her what she did was wrong (if he is being honest with me). He did email her and said that she sent her photos and that was unacceptable. This was her response back :- "I apologise deeply for sending those videos to you. I was not in a good frame of mind, and I did not mean for it to cause any problems in your marriage, or to your family. That was not my intent, and I am sorry and ashamed of myself. When we didn't discuss it, I just figured you had deleted them, as it was not mentioned. I was shocked to recieve your email saying they had been found. I appreciate the discretion in this matter on your and your families behalf. If I could do things over, I surely would. There is no excuse for my behaviour, all I can do is apologise, and hope and pray that you can forgive me and my actions." Should I believe her ?
Chump64 Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Whether you believe her is not the issue. She's not married to you. You need to find out exactly what your husband is up to. Have you considered downloading a keylogger to figure out what your husband is up to? These programs record all keystrokes so you can see all of his computer activity. There are free ones available online you can download and hide on your computer. This is how I busted my husband (and he is an IT person). Don't go blathering to relatives of the girl. It will just make you look foolish. You need to worry about your husband's activities first and foremost.
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