pandnh4 Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 so my gf broke up with me last wednesday... we had spoken on thursday again, in the morning over the phone, and in the evening via text messaging when she ended up confirming that it was seriously over, and then no contact throughout the weekend... on sunday afternoon, however, she calls me up because she found out that the balance to a victoria's secret gift card i gave her was zero (during the week i had returned with my receipt and exchanged it; kind of a mean thing to do, but it just didn't make sense to me anymore why she should have it if we weren't going to be together; please don't judge me on this though)... well she b*tches me out for a bit before i say i'll look into it... i didn't admit to what i did, though she was suspicious... then i ask her why the rush, who cares, how about we meet later on in the week and talk things out... she says that she just wanted to get a robe, nothing provocative, to which i respond, how about waiting a bit and maybe if we sort things out you might end up wanting to get other things instead (naturally i was hinting at reconciliation)... well she responded, i just don't think you get me and my decision... my friend suspects that this not only confirms her decision being firm, but also the fact that she was selfish and materialistic... so i deal with it, start accepting reality, go onto myspace and change my status to single (which she already did, though she kept one pic of us together as her main photo; she later told me it ws only to not draw attention)... anyway, later on she calls me that night flipping out about some changes that i made to my profile and accusing me of trying to rub things in her face (even though i still kept a pic of us too)... i talk her down, bear with her, put up with her insults and more verbal abuse while she is crying histerical, telling me she feels low, she's upset, how i scarred her, ruined her self-esteem, etc... she also continues telling me how i was not the one and the reasons that solidified her decision... she finally calms down and at one point hints at wanting to be friends cause she thinks i'm an awesome person and still wants to hang out for my birthday coming up and maybe valentine's day... i tell her it will be hard for me to be friends right now because i have to deal with my own feelings... well she gets a little more upset and then gets off the phone... why is she calling me, hurting me more? why is she making changes but calling me out on them when i do and putting me down... why does she continue tormenting me and herself and continue putting me down even though all she wants is comforting? and why do i keep yielding, picking up the phone, and being the nice guy... i need help, seriously, and more than anything need strength because this is tearing me up inside...
CaliGuy Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 NC is for you to heal. You can do it! It just takes respecting yourself. She needs time away from you to miss you and you need the time away to get your head straight. Know that you don't need her to survive! Take some time to hang out with friends, go to the gym and work out and delve into hobbies. Read the link in my signature. You could really benefit from it!
Author pandnh4 Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 thanx for the support caliguy... i've briefly read that link already in another post of yours on ls... you seem like a nice and kind person and i appreciate you taking the time to help me... though in the past i've only really posted when i felt like i needed advice or to vent, i'm really starting to appreciate the sense of community here... concerning my ex-gf, i've decided to make some changes to my online profiles (which she's already done too) like myspace; changing status to single, removing pics of together, etc... i'm at work right now but basically filed away all docs on my computer pertaining to her and once i get home i will do the same thing with all her personal effects... it's going to be hard because she called me again last night to to b*tch me out about some of the changes that i made (i know right, double-standard), and then basically used me for emotional support; then this morning she messages me on myspace asking me to stop posting things such as blogs or poems related to her, even in the slightest... she still gets in touch with me when it's convenient for her or when she has stuff on her mind yet doesn't give me the time of day once she's made up her mind... i wish that she was a stronger person so that she could acknowledge her own flaws and mistakes and seek out help, as well as more courageous and disciplined to have worked on the relationship rather than throw it away and then later try to justify it by bringing up everything from the past again... arghhhhhh... it hurts...
CaliGuy Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 thanx for the support caliguy... i've briefly read that link already in another post of yours on ls... you seem like a nice and kind person and i appreciate you taking the time to help me... though in the past i've only really posted when i felt like i needed advice or to vent, i'm really starting to appreciate the sense of community here... concerning my ex-gf, i've decided to make some changes to my online profiles (which she's already done too) like myspace; changing status to single, removing pics of together, etc... i'm at work right now but basically filed away all docs on my computer pertaining to her and once i get home i will do the same thing with all her personal effects... it's going to be hard because she called me again last night to to b*tch me out about some of the changes that i made (i know right, double-standard), and then basically used me for emotional support; then this morning she messages me on myspace asking me to stop posting things such as blogs or poems related to her, even in the slightest... she still gets in touch with me when it's convenient for her or when she has stuff on her mind yet doesn't give me the time of day once she's made up her mind... i wish that she was a stronger person so that she could acknowledge her own flaws and mistakes and seek out help, as well as more courageous and disciplined to have worked on the relationship rather than throw it away and then later try to justify it by bringing up everything from the past again... arghhhhhh... it hurts... Ok here's what you do. Hide your MYSPACE profile. Don't visit hers at all. Remove all reminders of her. Don't answer her calls, emails or IMs Delete her number, remove her from IM and delete all her old emails. Basically, wipe her from your memory. If you respect yourself, you will realize that you will not allow her to use you for emotional support. You won't be able to move on until you have accepted it's over and cut all contact and reminders of her. You need this time to heal. You can not be her friend if you still love her. It will delay the healing process. Start hanging out with friends, go to the gym and get absolutely ENGROSSED in a hobby. When you think of her, have some things handy in your mind that you like to think about and switch to thinking about that. Tell yourself it's over, that you're better off without her. Because you are. She's not right for you, that's painfully obvious. The right person will find you when you've accepted it's over and work on your own needs. Forget her for now as much as you can. Let her see what life is like without you. Make no attempt to contact her for any reason for at least 2 months. If you can go that long, and I think you can, you'll be fine!
jacked17 Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 Yeah don't beg her or plead her or anything. It's a waste of time. She's nuts just like most of the girls out there. She gets mad at you for changing your myspace profile around? Whatever, she has no say about anything anymore. She wants to dump you but then wants to keep you as a friend cuz ur an awesome person. So you're awesome enough to be friends with but not awesome enough to stay her boyfriend. You don't need that stuff. It's tough at first and it will hurt a lot. Just keep busy with your friends, workout, party, and do what I did and become obsessed with the television show 24 and before long you'll be better.
Author pandnh4 Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 so my ex and i spoke again on wednesday and after a week apart we decided to talk things over... we spoke about several issues over the phone for a long while and finally agreed to give it a go again... she seemed so much more open and willing to work on things this time around and i felt so relieved... we met up later on that evening and i took her out for dinner and then drinks... we had such a pleasant time, then eventually went back to her place, became intimate with each other, and i spent the night there, etc... it was definitely a strange feeling being back over there after only a week apart but i felt comfort and connection... i went to work the next day and called her later on in the afternoon to see how her day was going... well, the conversation started off great, but little by little she became more and more anxious and then started bringing up issues again... for one, she said that her roommate was concerned about me and didn't feel too comfortable with us... she mentioned that her roommate had felt that i was being manipulative and trying to turn my gf against her; this is mainly because my gf misplaced/lost her wallet a while ago and the roommate overheard a conversation in which i suggested that perhaps she might be involved... fwiw, the wallet later turned up in her my gf's room, all the while i was covering her expenses and bailing her out while it was missing... i told my gf that i would speak with her roommate and try to smooth things over, in that i wasn't suggesting it was her, only asking questions and not ruling anyone out... for the record, her roommate thought that i was responsible for the missing wallet... this is upsetting to me because my gf has no qualms with her suspicion that it was my fault, plus it didn't really seem like she was sticking up for me... anyway, that's that... later on i spoke with her again over the phone; she became upset over my concerns of what she's told her roommate... i told her it's hard to come off as a good person when all she does is spill dirt and talk smack about me when she was upset with me in the past... as the anxiety started to build again, my gf began bringing up old issues again, including one in which she is uncomfortable with me tutoring a little girl (because according to her it ruins the fantasy of role-playing)... i feel like things are going right back to the way they were in which my gf picks apart every little thing that i say or do or without which tries to pick a fight with me... she then began taking stabs at me and cheap-shots, and she would continue even when i would point it out... personally, i feel like her roommate is trying to turn her against me and plant suspicious thoughts in my gf's head... i feel like she knows too much about me and our relationship that she is trying to use it against us... i also just want to work things out but my gf has the toughest time letting go of the past... with her, when it rains, it seriously pours!!! how can i deal with these issues? what can i do to smooth things over and help her move on when she doesn't want to seek help for herself or give in anywhere? am i making a mistake reconciling with her in the first place? thanx for you help, care, and advice...
WeaknPowerless Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Sadly, once the paper is wrinkled, it'll never be as smooth as it once was. I want nothing more then my girl to come back. Aside from family, she was the single most important person to ever enter my life. But if she ever did want to reconsile, she wouldn't be the same person. I'd have to think long and hard and analyze the circumstances. Complacency makes us do things we shouldn't. The protection and comfort of a loved one (in your eyes) would give you momentary satisfaction, but sadly, unless the two of you are committed 100% to work things out correctly, it probably is a bad idea. I don't believe "issues" warrant severe, drastic actions. If the situation was right, I would consider dealing with them and re-starting things. However, thats partially my ego and self esteem (or lack there of) speaking (wanting her back). It has to feel right. It will be awkward at first, but if that awkwardness doesn't fade, then you're only kidding yourselves and there will be resentment later on.
Author pandnh4 Posted February 6, 2006 Author Posted February 6, 2006 thanx for the responses to my problem... i am particularly concerned because my gf is intransigent on so many things and then, when we come to an agreement, she changes her mind later on until things are exactly her way... then when i cave again and she finally does get her way, she puts up more fuss and makes me feel bad for not having gone along with her the whole time... for one, she was upset about the tutoring situation... i've been sensitive to her insecurities, although they are her own, and proposed to stop tutoring young ladies... then she said oh, it's ok, just wait until the end of the semester... so i'm like fine, then when i go to the next session the following week, she gets all upset at me, doesn't return my calls, and breaks up with me for not really *knowing* what to do... like i'm some sort of mindreader!!! so after a week apart and then reconciliation, we are spending last night together... i had already agreed to stop tutoring and then she says it's ok, just give them 2 weeks notice... so i'm like fine, but later that night she says no actually, i shouldn't even go any more... so i say fine i'll just go tomorrow night and tell them face to face that i can't work with their daughter anymore and she flips out about that, saying that i shouldn't even have to go... she accuses me of not being trustworthy, calls me a pedophile, says it's f*cked up for me to even fight with her about this and that she should be more important to me than tutoring... even when i give in she insults me, belittles me, and continues to hurt me when i point out that she is being hurtful... what should i do? i think i have to break up with her, no? otherwise i am just being a serious pushover... it seems as if she has already lost all respect for me so what more is there to lose? help!!!
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