eLevel Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Hello everyone, This is my first time on here. Sorry we all couldnt meet under better circumstances. I am having problems with my GF. We have been going out for 3 1/2 years and living together for the last 2 1/2 years. We have always had a great relationship and have been in love for quite some time. Everything i am now i wouldnt be without her and I know she used to feel the same. A few weeks ago she had to go on a business trip to a conference for 4 days. A friend of mine also had to go and they took the drive up together. When she returned, she told me we needed to talk and explained to me that while she was gone for those 4 days she had time to think about our relationship and told me she wasnt happy. Apparently, she had been unhappy for the past year and hadnt said anything up until this point. I know that I can tend to be lazy and I was also finishing college so she handled all the home stuff while that was going on. She says she didnt have time for her own stuff like her career and her family becuase she was putting everything into out relationship in hopes that after I graduated i would be able to contribute and things would go back to normal. Well I graduated and i guess things didnt go back to normal and this has bothered her. She says that she loves me but that she doesnt know if she's still "in love with me". She feels we have grown apart and everything i do now to help fix things I am only doing cause I'm scared of losing her. I know i have messed up by not showing her enough that I loved her or by helping out but i didnt think it needd to get this far. I know i will do all things she wanted me to do now but not only cause she's leaving but becuase I'm sad that I hurt her and want to show her the man i can truly be. But she's only stuck on the fact that i'm doing things becuase she's talking about leaving. We talked and she said maybe we just needed a little space to work things out and get our heads right. So this past weekend she said she would stay at her parents to give us that break. Something bothered me about it and the evening after i was hanging with friends i decided to pass by the friends house that she went to orlando with because i had a bad feeling. And low and behold i found her car parked there. He said that he was supposed to be on a business trip and was supposed to leave that friday but that sat night she was at his place. Just to make sure he was there or on his trip i went back the next morning when she would need to leave for work and i saw him and her coming out his house together. He walked her to her car and they kissed goodbye. And a makeout kiss not a peck. I dont know what to do. I really love her and was hoping we could work things out but now with this its gonna be hard to get her to want to stay. I know i can forgive her becuase it really is out of her character and i truly lover her but it seems like everything is happening so fast and i dont want to lose her. When i talk to her about what she did this weekend she keeps insisting she was at her familys and i talk to him and he keeps insisting he's on his trip. Please help me.....
Mz. Pixie Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Confront her with the evidence you have, tell her that you saw her. Do not listen to any lies that she will tell you to explain why she lied. Hold to the fact that you saw them kissing. Tell your friend that your relationship with him is over. She can either go to relationship counseling with you or she needs to pack her stuff and go. You guys are not married, if you were I would suggest working on things a bit more. Since you are not, and have been together a short period of time, I suggest doing the above. Be prepared to act on your promises if she will not quit seeing the guy.
Cecelius Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Hello everyone, A few weeks ago she had to go on a business trip to a conference for 4 days. A friend of mine also had to go and they took the drive up together. When she returned, she told me we needed to talk and explained to me that while she was gone for those 4 days she had time to think about our She says that she loves me but that she doesnt know if she's still "in love with me". She feels we have grown apart and everything i do now to help fix things I am only doing cause I'm scared of losing her. I know i have messed up by not showing her enough that I loved her or by helping out but i didnt think it needd to get this far. I know i will do all things she wanted me to do now but not only cause she's leaving but becuase I'm sad that I hurt her and want to show her the man i can truly be. But she's only stuck on the fact that i'm doing things becuase she's talking about leaving. We talked and she said maybe we just needed a little space to work things out and get our heads right. So this past weekend she said she would stay at her parents to give us that break. Something bothered me about it and the evening after i was hanging with friends i decided to pass by the friends house that she went to orlando with because i had a bad feeling. And low and behold i found her car parked there. He said that he was supposed to be on a business trip and was supposed to leave that friday but that sat night she was at his place. Just to make sure he was there or on his trip i went back the next morning when she would need to leave for work and i saw him and her coming out his house together. He walked her to her car and they kissed goodbye. And a makeout kiss not a peck. I dont know what to do. I really love her and was hoping we could work things out but now with this its gonna be hard to get her to want to stay. I know i can forgive her becuase it really is out of her character and i truly lover her but it seems like everything is happening so fast and i dont want to lose her. When i talk to her about what she did this weekend she keeps insisting she was at her familys and i talk to him and he keeps insisting he's on his trip. Please help me..... She is dumping you, slowly. "not IN love with you" is, frankly, girl talk for "I just banged another guy or am about to and if I tell you this, you are on notice that things are bad, so when I cheat, it's not REALLY cheating." Walk, quickly, before she humiliates you. Just learn what she has told you about keeping up your end of the bargain and work harder on yourself for the next girl
Presario Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 eLevel, I'm sorry to hear your GF cheats on you. You are young, you haven't been together that long, you don't have kids, she doesn't love you, she cheated on you: dump her. You learned your lesson (to try harder in a relationship), she will learn hers. Good luck.
jmargel Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 She's just putting the blame that she's been cheating on you, on you. It helps her not feel guilty. She's rationalizing her behavior. She's immature and this OM won't last. Beat her to the punch. Give her tough love. Tell her you found out about you two and that you are not going to take the lies and the fact that she is blaming you for everything. No one is perfect. However whatever problems you two had doesn't justify her cheating on you. Trust me, if you roll over & piddle on this one you'll be walked all over. Tell her it's over & walk away. Give it some time, she'll be wanting to come back. If you plead & beg with her to stay all that'll do is drive her away faster. Concentrate on yourself and make yourself happy. Show confidence. Women (and I would assume your gf as well) love that.
barfool Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 I agree with the advice given above except for the family thing. It is no business of the families. I was in a very similar situation except that when I did cheat I was honest and knew the relationship was over and told my bf. For me the cheating happened because I did not want to face the fact that I was not happy in the relationship and maybe that wasn't the man I should marry. It was an immature and cowardly way to exit the relationship (though that wasn't a conscious decision). I know that you love her and want her back, but consider what she has done to you and how little she respects you and the relationship since she is lying. Do you really want to be with someone like that? Do you really think someone like that would work on your relationship? No!
Author eLevel Posted February 1, 2006 Author Posted February 1, 2006 Thank you guys for your replies and advice. Unfortunately things have gotten worst. The other night we were watching TV and all of a sudden my chest got tight and i couldnt breathe. My body started shaking and i lost it. The girlfriend called the mbulance but y the time they got there it had passed. I used to have asthma a long time ago and i chalked it up to just being that. The next day i was at work and out of the blue i had another attack. This time it was coupled with sweating, increased heartbeat and lasted alot longer than the previous one. I was rushed to the hospital and recovered. The doctor informed me that what I had was an anxiety attack and that it comes from alot of stress or major stressful events in your life. This has changed everything. I was gonna confront her about everything this week like you guys suggested however with these episodes i've been having, I think it may get worst if i confront her right now. She feels really guilty and has told me that she feels like its her fault for dropping all this on me. I think i'm going to wait until i have my followup visit with my doctor and can get help dealing with these attcks or getting past them before i confront her. I did tell her that I'm done trying to talk things out with her and make things work cause its effecting my health. I said i wouldnt do it anymore and that she's obviously going to do what she wants to do regardless of what I say, so i'm gonna stop pushing it because that might be the cuase of my health probelms. She got very sad and she feels guilty as **** right now. I know it wont change anything becuase i have since then come to find out that this affair she has been having has been since x-mas and they both already have huge love feelings for each other ( i saw her text messages). So i'm just gonna stop trying for a bit until i can get better and not stress anymore and then once i am stronger in the head and mind, i will confront her once and for all..whether good or bad. Thanks again for all the support and keep the replies coming. Its good to let this out and talk to people about this.
barfool Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 Sorry to hear about the anxiety attacks. I had those around that same period in my life except it involved dizziness, dificulty breathing and vomiting. I was given a prescription for something that will calm me down in 10 minutes. Of course you also need to lay down and do some deep breathing. The problem is that these will not go away until the cause of stress is resolved, which is your gf. So I'm afraid it is the sooner the better for this confrontation. It will not help you to recover mentally and physically to be in a relationship with someone who is lying and cheating on you with no intention of stoping.
jmargel Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 Your main concern is your health. Take care of that. You don't even realize it but you did say alot to her. Now she is facing the consequences and realizing what she's gonna lose. Keep distant from her and just do alot of thinking. If she was your first love it's extra hard. It's because you never really experience the loss of someone or even fantom the idea that they could ever hurt you. I was there myself. Came to the point of planning my own suicide. The best way to get through this is to talk to 'your' friends (ones that don't interact with her) and more importantly a counselor. Your world won't end without her. Life will continue. More importantly she isn't dead. What I mean by that is if things are meant to be it will happen. Life doesn't come with an instruction booklet so it's easy to make mistakes. The important thing comes from learning from them and making sure they don't happen again.
carmaenforcer Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 I have found that there is no real answer as to what to do in this sort of situation. I think you know what kind of person you are dealing with and no matter what anyone tells you about how to best deal with this type of person and situation, you will still make excuses for her and for the circumstances. You will blame yourself because that's what's easiest to do and still get back with her. Regardless of what you do, you should try your hardest to be honest with yourself. Know that people can change, but you can't change anyone, they have to want to change themselves. Here is a little story just so you know that you are not alone in this. My now fiancée , cheated on me with her ex, juggled us back and forth and possibly messed with a number of other guys that she call's her "guy friends". Ultimately before she started to try and change and made the decision to be with me, she ended up pregnant by her ex and this happened when we were supposedly doing good. She miscarried and so we never were able to definitively prove that the child was the other guys, but whatever. Given she is now my fiancée obviously means that I forgave her, I also accepted her proposal since then, but even though I still had serious reservations on continuing a relationship with her unless she proved to me that she could change her ways dramatically. It's funny because now that we are closer to the wedding day she has been coming clean about a lot of stuff I thought she would never admit to. She has also been acting more and more like "my" woman, I know that sounds a little sexist but I mean she's treating me and our relationship with respect. All my friends warned me not to trust or even stay with her after the things she did but I didn't listen and it has worked out for me so far, that's not to say that things can never get ugly again but for now we are cool. In your case you have to also consider the fact that women don't deal well with being better at something than their mates. What I mean is that if your woman is more successful than you she will more that likely look down on you even though she may not admit it. I from experience but generally of coarse because I don't know all women and there might be exceptions out there somewhere. As a rule though, women need to respect their men and what they do or there will be trouble. That having been said you may want to either make sure you are always more successful than your woman or get together with a woman you can impress with your accomplishments and that is beneath you socially. Women like to brag or at least feel good about what they have that is better than the other woman's. This is true with their men, engagement rings, purses, homes, children, etc. Like I said, this is a general observation on my part taken from the women that I have known in my life, either personally or as an acquaintance and from talking with other guys. Not all women are like this but the majority of them are. Just something to think about... Good luck and be strong, the best revenge is moving on and being happy.
Author eLevel Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 Hey everyone, Thanks again for the continued support and advice. I really appreciate. Everything was so hard for me to accept and deal with that i was searching for answers anywhere I could find them. Just a little update. I finally got up the courage to confront my GF last night. We had a big argument / discussion while she was at work on the IM and finally said we needed to talk. I had already prepared everything i wanted to say on paper. It came to 7 pages. It almost read like a book. But i know how I am and sometimes I can speak faster than i think and if i didnt get it on paper, i knew i wouldnt get everything out properly. Well i spoke with her before i read the paper and gave her a last chance to be honest with me, which she didnt, so i finally told her that i needed to read her the letter and to not interrupt me until i was done. Needless to say the letter shocked her and made her really upset to the point of almost total breakdown. She endlessly apologized and said she didnt know what happened but I wasnt there and this guy was giving her attention she wasnt getting from me. As much as i hated her for what she did, I just love her to no end and cant bare to see her hurt. I know I'm probably messed up in the head for caring more about what happens to her than myself but i love her that much. We talked things out the rest of the night and she was open and honest about everything that happened with the guy. She felt so ashamed that she could mess up something that used to once be so special to her. I let her know everything i was feeling to and told her that I can forgive her with time if she wants to be forgiven. It wont happen over night, it would take time to build trust again but if she really feels that we can try to make it work, that i will try to give her the opportunity to be trusted again. She knows the stakes now and what she has to do to get back in my life. Ending things with that guy is one and making an honest attempt at trying to wok on us. She did mention that she did have some feelings for this other man and was honest in saying that it would be hard at first because she is so torn. Iguess we'll just have to take it day by day and see what happens but i know now not to get too attached this second time just in case she hurts me again. I feel like i've poured my heart out in here and sorry if the ramblings are so long. I just needed to get all this off my chest cause it provides some level of peace and relief. Thanks again everyone, wish me luck.
Cecelius Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Your g/f cheated on you, subjected you to responsibility for potential pregnancies, exposed you to possible diseases, humiliated you, and all of this was because he was giving her attention you were not? It's not like she was trapped in marriage with you. She could have dumped you. Now she says she has feelings for him? That is girl code for "I may have sex with him again." All you have done is to clear the air so that she can make a choice. Even if she chooses you, what happens the next time she finds someone who's pays a little attention to her?
Guest Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 eLevel, I was in the exact same situation about 2 yrs ago. Your story is scary similar. My ex said she wasn't happy and acting weird. I installed a 'keystroke' on our laptop to record all writing. I was floored when I checked 2 days after installing it. There were some flirting conversations and "I miss you" blah blah. We go away for a trip on Valentines and had a great time. I get our monthly cell phone bill and see this number that keeps appearing on the bill. I asked and she said it's a co-worker and their just friends. She wanted space so I moved out. Anyways, I drove past the guy's house and see her car one morning after returning from work. I knocked on the door and no one answered. I see her purse on the kitchen table so I banged harder. The door opens. I'm full of anger and rage... I keep calling out her name... no one answers... I hear music but don't know where it's coming from... I walk toward the stairs and calling out her name... I hear the music coming from the basement so I head down... As I walk past the room... I see him sleeping... then i see another pair of legs adjusting from the sheets... I'm shaking from anger... I called out her name... they both were surprise to see me... I started calling every bad name. The guy gets up and tells me to get out of his house... I was about to drop kick him when I thought about my niece, nephew, and family... I walked outside and went off... I got in his face and told him he's a back stabbing bastard... I knew him cuz I met him at a few xmas party. She comes up with his boxers on and tells me to leave... The guy had a look like he was about to cry. Long story short... cuz it brings back bad memories and feelings... Your gf and my ex are confused... nothing we can do or say can make them change... I tried everything... even suggest couple counseloring... The 'trust' is gone and never be the same. My advice, take a break from her and clear your head. Think what you really want... Right now you may think that you love her and owe it to her work on the relationship... Nope! She owes it to you and she'll need to do everything to make it work. This should only happen when you both have time apart. Trust me... I wanted to work things out. She promise to stop talking to him... blah blah... but she lied. She works with him. I lived with my friends and she lived in our apt which was 5min walk to work... I know I'm probably not making sense... but seriously take time to yourself and revaluate things... Don't jump back into it. It hurts to write my experience but I hope it'll help.
keymind Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 eLevel, I was in the exact same situation about 2 yrs ago. Your story is scary similar. My ex said she wasn't happy and acting weird. I installed a 'keystroke' on our laptop to record all writing. I was floored when I checked 2 days after installing it. There were some flirting conversations and "I miss you" blah blah. We go away for a trip on Valentines and had a great time. I get our monthly cell phone bill and see this number that keeps appearing on the bill. I asked and she said it's a co-worker and their just friends. She wanted space so I moved out. Anyways, One I drove past the guy's house and see her car one morning after returning from work. I knocked on the door and no one answered. I see her purse on the kitchen table so I banged harder. The door opens. I'm full of anger and rage... I keep calling out her name... no one answers... I hear music but don't know where it's coming from... I walk toward the stairs and calling out her name... I hear the music coming from the basement so I head down... As I walk past the room... I see him sleeping... then i see another pair of legs adjusting from the sheets... I'm shaking from anger... I called out her name... they both were surprise to see me... I started calling every bad name. The guy gets up and tells me to get out of his house... I was about to drop kick him when I thought about my niece, nephew, and family... I walked outside and went off... I got in his face and told him he's a back stabbing bastard... I knew him cuz I met him at a few xmas party. She comes up with his boxers on and tells me to leave... The guy had a look like he was about to cry. I used to drive by this guy's house a few times and see her car. Long story short... cuz it brings back bad memories and feelings... Your gf and my ex are confused... nothing we can do or say can make them change... I tried everything... even suggest couple counseloring... The 'trust' is gone and never be the same. My advice, take a break from her and clear your head. Think what you really want... Right now you may think that you love her and owe it to her work on the relationship... Nope! She owes it to you and she'll need to do everything to make it work. This should only happen when you both have time apart. Trust me... I wanted to work things out. She promise to stop talking to him... blah blah... but she lied. She works with him. I lived with my friends and she lived in our apt which was 5min walk to work... I know I'm probably not making sense... but seriously take time to yourself and revaluate things... Don't jump back into it. It hurts to write my experience but I hope it'll help.
theblade Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 dude...get rid!...simple as that think of it like this... You buy a TV...it breaks, so you take it back to the shop, Do you want the shop to repair it, or so you want a new one? I'd always opt for a new one. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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