Scottstina Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I've been dating a really great guy for a little over a year now. We've had our ups and downs, but we have an open line of communication and can generally talk about things and straighten it out. The issue of Moving Forward has recently arisen (in ME) and it is the one thing that he has no desire to ever talk about. I know that he is afraid of commitment (35 years old, never married, no kids, 1 long term relationship besides me). We are exclusive to one another, not even looking for anyone else, we have a good time together, we laugh, we get along, we can talk about politics, world events, etc., we really do have a wonderful time together. However, I want to live together/think about marriage (I am 40)....in other words, I want to make a deeper commitment. In the past I have touched on the subject and he asked me if I would love him any different if we were married. Well, no, but I do want someone to go to bed with every night and wake up and have coffee with and to share the stuff in life with....he just doesn't see it the same way I do. The other night, after much thought and consideration, I told him that I am looking for something different than he is, that I want to be married and share a home and all that goes with that. I told him that he is the person I most want to share all that with, but that if it is not something he is interested in then I need to have the opportunity to find the person who will be able to give me what I need. He got mad...asked me if I was giving him an ultimatum....blah, blah blah, and then told me, "Whatever. If you can't have things your way then it's no way at all." That's so untrue. I am giving and patient and good to him. I compromise. However, I feel that at 40, I'm not getting any younger and I don't think it's unfair of me to want to live in a stable, secure, loving, shared home. As for the conversation the other night, there was never a resolution and since then he hasn't mentioned a word about it and I'm sure he never will. He stayed at my house last night, we went out to eat with friends yesterday afternoon and the topic hasn't even been brought up again. So, I guess it's my job to bring it up again and find either 1) Common ground or 2) Way to end the relationship. The next wierd thing is that he moved this weekend. He moved into the house DIRECTLY next door to mine! I had asked him to move in with me, and he said he wasn't ready for that and he moved in Right Next Door. It's wierd! Friends and co-workers tell me that is a bit of a slap in the face and proof that he is not commited. He may indeed love me, but he isn't going to commit. And that is something that I need. My question here is....how do I break up with him over this? How do I let him know the importance of what I want in any other way than I already have? I know I will hurt him, I know he adores me and the **** part is that I adore him too. I simply feel very strongly that I want to be in a more commited relationship and he doesn't. Is that wrong of me....???
flowergirl Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Well, girl, if you have clearly stated ypur position to him, and he refuses to even discuss it, then that's your answer right there, and you need to go find someone who will commit to you, especially after a year. Good luck, there are men in the world who'll jump to marry you, I'm sure.
Walk Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 That's really odd that he would move in right next door. Do you think it might possibly be his way of trying to comprimise? He's close, yet doesn't cross his boundary. This is what I was thinking reading your post... I think you need to go back and ask how he feels about "commitment", where your relationship is going, and how he feels about it. And try to make it as non-pressured as possible. If he doesn't see living together or marriage as future, far or near, then at least you'll know what you need to do at that point. If he's telling you in the future but won't come close to giving a gestimate on time (a year, two years, later, later..) then dig into why he feels that way, what makes him uncomfortable about it, how can you ease those fears. My second thought was, if you do get your wish, but he feels pressured to move in, then it's going to cause so much animosity it won't be worth it to either of you. It'll break the two of you apart when you were trying to build something closer. I think if he won't talk to you about it after you've tried to talk to him a couple of times without pressure, then you will know he isn't going to commit. When I say pressure, I mean don't go into it with a "this is what I want, and why won't you." mentality. Keep it as far away from you as possible and as much on his views and feelings as you can. Last thought... I know you are feeling like this needs to happen and you've been dating a year now. If he is willing to talk to you and open up, then understand that it's incredibly difficult to integrate two grown adults with years of experience and baggage into one household. And some of the magic and fun of being two individuals disappears. Suddenly it's fights about bills and money, and spending habits, and dirty dishes. Don't make living together into some mystically great place you want to take him. Keep in mind the reality of the situation. Grass is always greener on the other side I guess. Just keep that in mind.
Author Scottstina Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 I know the grass isn't always greener, but I've been married and have children so I know what I'm getting into. The whole "family" and "Sharing a home" thing is very appealing to me..... I've been single since 1999, making sure I was healed from a knock-down betrayal. I've dated, and it's been very difficult for me to find a man that I feel is going to complement me. In almost all ways, we fit like spoons in a drawer, but this is one area where we differ. I guess I have some soul searching to do, think about some of the things I've read in the past weeks/days and try to figure out how much I'm willing to compromise....and to see if he's at all willing to compromise as well. Thank you so much for replying. It really does help to have objective answers to these questions. Your friends tend to lead you one way and that way might make you seem shrew-ish, which is something I'm not. Again, thanks....
Walk Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I was wondering how you bring up the topic of commitment normally? Does he ever talk about the future at all? Like maybe you two doing something later in life, or going somewhere in 6 months a year? Anything like that? Or is he the "here and now" kind of guy? I'm wondering because I think that could give you a good clue as to how far he may be willing to give for what you want. If he's never said anything about a future with you, then your wasting your time. Anyway. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope he's willing to talk with you about this.
Cecelius Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 For what it is worth, a year is not nearly enough time to warrant a marriage or even co-habitation, as far as I am concerned.
Author Scottstina Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 Walk, You know, when we're just sitting around shooting the breeze, he'll say stuff like "Are you gonna push me around in a wheelchair when I'm old?" (he has a crappy back) and yes, he does make reference to future stuff - like going on a vacation to someplace we've talked about. There is definite reference to far future things. OK..I KNOW that he would stay with me forever, just as things are. I KNOW that he's happy and we're secure and all that. I also know that marriage isn't the answer to everything and that having a piece of paper that says "You're Married" doesn't change whether or not we love each other or are devoted to each other. However, I want to be with him on a more secure footing - I want to share a home with him.... You know, the more I'm writing about all this, the more I'm feeling like I'm being shallow and whiney and creating problems where really none exist. God, this is so frustrating.
Author Scottstina Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 Cecilius, I'm not asking for it TODAY - I just want to know that we're looking for the same thing in the not too distant future. Why spend another year if we're not ultimately looking for the same thing...?
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