Scottstina Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I've been dating a really great guy for a little over a year now. We've had our ups and downs, but we have an open line of communication and can generally talk about things and straighten it out. The issue of Moving Forward has recently arisen (in ME) and it is the one thing that he has no desire to ever talk about. I know that he is afraid of commitment (35 years old, never married, no kids, 1 long term relationship besides me). We are exclusive to one another, not even looking for anyone else, we have a good time together, we laugh, we get along, we can talk about politics, world events, etc., we really do have a wonderful time together. However, I want to live together/think about marriage (I am 40)....in other words, I want to make a deeper commitment. In the past I have touched on the subject and he asked me if I would love him any different if we were married. Well, no, but I do want someone to go to bed with every night and wake up and have coffee with and to share the stuff in life with....he just doesn't see it the same way I do. The other night, after much thought and consideration, I told him that I am looking for something different than he is, that I want to be married and share a home and all that goes with that. I told him that he is the person I most want to share all that with, but that if it is not something he is interested in then I need to have the opportunity to find the person who will be able to give me what I need. He got mad...asked me if I was giving him an ultimatum....blah, blah blah, and then told me, "Whatever. If you can't have things your way then it's no way at all." That's so untrue. I am giving and patient and good to him. I compromise. However, I feel that at 40, I'm not getting any younger and I don't think it's unfair of me to want to live in a stable, secure, loving, shared home. As for the conversation the other night, there was never a resolution and since then he hasn't mentioned a word about it and I'm sure he never will. He stayed at my house last night, we went out to eat with friends yesterday afternoon and the topic hasn't even been brought up again. So, I guess it's my job to bring it up again and find either 1) Common ground or 2) Way to end the relationship. The next wierd thing is that he moved this weekend. He moved into the house DIRECTLY next door to mine! I had asked him to move in with me, and he said he wasn't ready for that and he moved in Right Next Door. It's wierd! Friends and co-workers tell me that is a bit of a slap in the face and proof that he is not commited. He may indeed love me, but he isn't going to commit. And that is something that I need. My question here is....how do I break up with him over this? How do I let him know the importance of what I want in any other way than I already have? I know I will hurt him, I know he adores me and the **** part is that I adore him too. I simply feel very strongly that I want to be in a more commited relationship and he doesn't. Is that wrong of me....???
blind_otter Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 No. You have needs, those needs aren't being met in your current relationship. IF he cannot do so then there's no other alternative than to move on.
salmagundi Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I think relationships have to be mutally fulfilling to be healthy. I mean, thats what compatibility is all about, right? The capacity of two people to fulfill each others wants, desires and most importantly needs. Two people are not compatible if one is obliging the other one to ignore needs the first partner is simply unwilling to fulfill. Relationships are about compromise, always, but you have to decide how much you are willinng to compromise yourself to stay with this guy. Compromising on long term commitment (the purpose of dating and relationships, after all) is not the same as compromising on, I dunno, you want to eat sushi tonight but he wants to go mexican... basically, if you stay in this relationship you give him what he wants (your commitment to him without him having to give his commitment to you) by directly denying yourself what you want (long term commitment, the knowledge that this relationship is going somewhere). Thats not a good position for you to be in. You're giving him what he wants. If he cant give you what you want, cut him loose. If he doesnt like it, too bad. Right now it seems he just wants the milk for free without having to buy the cow.
csfong007 Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 If what you truly want is a totally committed relationship, i.e. living together or marriage and he doesn't, then you do in fact need to break it off with him, hopefully in a loving and gentle manner. However, I think you need to re-think things. I was tickled pink to learn that he moved in right next store! If it were me, I would love something like that. But, then again, I'm almost 50, been married and divorced twice. And, having said that, I'm sure you don't want to hear that living together and marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be. When you're around someone 24/7, you see them and they see you at your best and at your worst. It isn't all peaches and cream. When people are around each other all the time, they begin to take advantage of each other. Your boyfriend, living nextdoor, to me, that has all the benefits. You can see each other when you want and be alone when you want. What more could you want? I'm not trying to be so totally negative, I'm just trying to paint the picture that if you sleep with each other every single night it isn't going to be all a bed of roses. Of course if you are thinking of having children this totally changes the picture. My viewpoint is very different from yours because I've been in two marriages and had to raise my daughter on my own. I'm in a relationship now where we both don't want to live together or marriage. Just think about what you really want. Sometimes we can't always have what we want. But, if you can have what you want some or most of the time, isn't it worth it?
skeptik224 Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I can honestly say I'm you but in a different way. My ex broke up with me because I wanted more than she was able to give. Coming out of 2 long term relationships, she just couldn't commit to anyone/anything. She left and is now dating other people. If you want more, and he is unwilling, do not settle. My ex wanted to lower our committment to just dating while dating others. I (like you) deserve more. She couldn't give me what I want/need. She is 36 and just isn't ready. For whatever reasons your boyfriend may have, if he says he isn't ready, believe him. Nothing you say or do will change his mind. It's a hard lesson. I don't necessarily think him moving next door was a slap in the face. Maybe that was his way of being closer to you. But, I will say, it'll make it hard if you break up. My ex and I went back/forth for 3 months but in our case, there really wasn't a compromise. you need to follow your heart....as hard as it is. My ex is the love of my life, but if she isn't ready, she isn't ready. I TRULY believe that there is always 1 person in our lives that we let go that we really shouldn't. I'm going to be that person to my ex. You may quite possibly be that to yours
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