jennifer1983 Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Hey everyone, I had posted yesterday on my well now ex bf and being upset about him talking to his ex wife. Well we got into an argument about the situation again and he called her back finally after she had left him a message. He sat there and was flirting with her and everything right in front of me and then even turned the volume down on the phone so I couldn't hear what was being said. He sat there and told me to my face that he didn't know he had turned the volume down on the phone but HELLO there is this huge button on the side of my phone that you have to push to change the volume. Anyway, that isn't the real issue. He was never really there for me he had his excuses and all but excuses only work for so long when I was becoming so emotionally drained. I gave all I had to get nothing in return but "I'm going to do what I want to do when I want to do it". I told him everytime I was wrong and not once got a sorry even after he called me a smartass b****. I know this is for the best but since I dropped him off last night I have constantly caught myself checking the phone to see if he calls I guess because he has always waited no more than two days to call me back even after he would break up with me. I HOPE that he doesn't call me back as hard as that is to say because I am not a strong person right now and if he calls I will probably end up going right back. To be 34 years old he is a lot more immature than I am at 22. Even though he hurt me so bad I still sit here and feel like I did everything wrong. This is all for the best I know....well in the bottom of my heart I know..its just hard to tell the rest of me that.
jerbear Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 You have to stay strong and be independent. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. The ex-wife issue will always arise regardless. If he is not there mentally then it is over. I had similar thought when I was with someone but thought of someone else. She ended it and I had to get my answers from the person who I thought of. It is not easy. Sometimes it does require a deeper understanding of where you are, where will you go, and how are you? Can you forgive ("and forget") and believe there is a future? If YOU do not see a future then stay strong and move on. Forget the phone. It took me a few days to delete her phone #, her address, and her email folder. I've always had a thing against older men vs. younger women. It is a social norm and I've always preferred older women. That is me. I'm 30 and pursued a 40 year old for a few years. Now she wants an older man 12 years her senior. Honestly it is hard to break old habits and deal with history.
Author jennifer1983 Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 That was a very good point(s). I would have never even considered dating someone with his emotional issues or continued after I found out how he was but he kept on saying how he was done in the past and how he only knows to act like he did when he was married all those years well that is what he is used to and he doesn't know any different. He did try at times to show me he cared but I guess it was too late. I know that he would have to talk to his ex wife because of the kids but still the way he acts around her is too much for me. She cheated on him constantly over and over again and he acts like its nothing. I mean he swears up and down he doesn't want her but his actions are different in some ways. Then again I do read too much into things sometimes so maybe its all in my head. I think I am making the right decision we have tried this many times and each time he ends up calling me back and I always answer. This time I will be the adult and make sure to ignore his call. Its funny how things make more sense when you can look at them from the outside and writing all this down really does make me realize its the right thing but it doesn't stop my heart from hurting.
jerbear Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I think I am making the right decision we have tried this many times and each time he ends up calling me back and I always answer. This time I will be the adult and make sure to ignore his call. Get caller id so you can avoid certain calls. I've picked up calls of people whom I didn't want to talk to, and it wasn't telemarketers. If she cheated on him and he just lets it go as if nothing happened then well he just got stepped on. Being a guy if a girl cheated on me I would be devastated and trust issues will arise; after she gets the ultimatum and the boot. I have dated women who had kids and it was hard for me to know that there is another guy involved and can pop in at anytime. I know myself and end it after 1 date. I could never deny history. What is done is done. He feels safe with her and goes back to his norms around her. Amazing how sometimes people fall back into their niches. I've seen women fall for guys that are like their fathers and men falling for women like their mom.
brisman Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Jennifer, it sounds to me like you know it's mostly in your head but you choose not to see that this could be the source of your troubles. He has to deal and have contact with the ex-wife for the sake of his kids. So much the better if this can be kept and civil and light-hearted. This is a strength of his, not a weakness and is not a reflection on you in any way. It's certainly not evidence of any lack of feelings for you. He's with you - not her. I'm prepared to bet that seeing and hearing him talk to his wife makes you wildly insecure and jealous and this is spilling over badly into your relationship with him. If this style of relationship is not for you, then that's your choice, of course.
Author jennifer1983 Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 brisman- I do see the source of the trouble is in my head. That is the thing but when he sits here and doesn't at least try to talk to me and just blows up about everything and tells me hes going to do what he wants when he wants I do shut myself off from him. You are right completely about getting jealous when he talks to her. Maybe this isn't right and I am not going to make any excuses that is why I broke up with him because I know me, and I know what I can and can't accept even if it isn't right. I guess it all still hurts just the same whether or not I know it is best we are over. This evening has been horrible because I sit here and look at my phone every two minutes. I tried to make myself busy but I catch myself stopping what I am doing to check the phone. The weird part is I don't really want to talk to him I know in my heart that it has to be over but I can't help but feel heartbroken.
jerbear Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 I tried to make myself busy but I catch myself stopping what I am doing to check the phone. The weird part is I don't really want to talk to him I know in my heart that it has to be over but I can't help but feel heartbroken. I've been doing NC for almost 1 month now and how I stop myself from checking the phone and email is by changing my own behavior for the better. It actually made me more productive at work that I didn't have to check VM or email every time I get a buzz (treo/blackberry) or phone rings. If it is really important, they will call. Another thing I do is to spend time with friends who bring me back into life and for me to be me. Another thing I did was to archive her email folder, deleted her email address from my addressbook, removed her "important" status email sound, deleted her phone numbers, and delete her addresses from my car NAV system.
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