Shattered Heart Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 It's been three months since my girlfriend broke up with me. She left owing me thousands of dollars that I lent to her out of the goodness of my heart during the course of our relationship. Well, she paid me back in full last week and now she's moving from NY to CA to be with this guy she's been close friends with for about 12 years. Since our breakup, unbeknownst to her, I have found out a lot of things that she was either hiding from me or lying to me about, such as the extent of her relationship with this guy, telling me that her parents were giving her the money to pay me back (meanwhile, this guy is the one who gave her the money), and a lot of harsh cold statements directed towards me. And the reason I haven't said anything to her is because I didn't want to risk upsetting her and jeopardize not getting my money back. In fact, during this time, I've kept my contact with her at a minimum, have been very pleasant to her, and have stayed in her good graces. However, when she came in last week and paid me what she owed me, I was extremely tempted to speak my mind about all the knowledge I had attained. I figured, 'I just got paid, what do I have to lose?' Instead, I just stood there not saying anything to her as she was attempting to chit chat with me. All I did was nod my head to whatever she was saying, all the while my mind was racing in a million directions. I really didn't mean to just stand there and not engage in a conversation with her. I was just torn as to what I should've done; either keep quiet about everything I know, or "explode" on her. And I know my lack of response bothered her because when she realized I wasn't responding, she said 'goodbye' and walked out. Again, I just stood there, watching her walk out, still contemplating what I should do. I ended up not saying anything. Well, that night I e-mailed her thanking her for the money (oh, and not once did she thank me for loaning the money to her...she just said 'you're welcome' when I thanked her for paying me back...as if she was doing ME a favor by paying me back). She replied to my e-mail with the following cold-hearted, slap in the face response: "If you wanted to say something in person...you should have walked me out last night. Instead you stood there. I felt awkward about the whole thing. Your mom wouldn't even look at me, and you just stood there like we aren't even friends. Now...I have no time. You are welcome for the money...I really hope it helped." Let's just say I have not and will not respond to this e-mail. As you can see, she was really hot and bothered by my silence. From what some people are telling me, my silence was probably more detrimental and deafening to her, and probably had more of an impact than if I had lashed out at her in an attempt to show her that she didn't get away with anything. I don't know. I know they say that silence is golden and that actions speak louder than words, but is this true in my case? Do you think my silence had a more profound and lasting effect on her as she moves away and starts her new life in CA? If anything, she'll always wonder what I was keeping from her, since I've never been so quiet to her. Or she just won't care. But I think her reply indicates otherwise. Also, yesterday was her birthday, and I was torn with whether or not I should've sent her an e-mail wishing her a happy birthday. Well, I didn't, since I figure that cutting all ties from her is the best thing I could do at this point. I think I would only be humiliating myself if I were to reply to her e-mail or start wishing her a happy birthday. Was this a smart decision on my part, and am I 'playing the game' the way it should be played from the dumpee's end?
ThatOneGuy Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Ahh buddy, I’ve been dumped by professionals. Even though not saying anything might make here feel even more uneasy about you right now, and she might be racked with a tiny amount of some sort of guilt, if you lash out with all the words that went unsaid, you’ll feel a lot better and she’ll never forget the words. Ever. Every time her mind wanders off to you she’ll be reminded of all the venom your words will no-doubt be filled with, if you choose to send it. I don’t think I’ve ever had a “Good” break-up. Usually they were (A) Cheating on me. (B) Got bored of me (Only happened once, but that chick was a freak with a capital F. Jesus couldn’t keep this girl happy). Or C, dumped me because of another guy, but they weren’t necessarily cheating on me. Anywho... Yeah, I say you should say every mean thing that comes to mind because she’s moving, what have you got to loose? I feel refreshed after venting on someone that has it coming. If you want to be the nice guy, then more power to you. Personally I find no interests in keeping in contact with people that have abused their relationship with me. But, that’s just my view 1
CaliGuy Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Silence speaks volumes. I wouldn't have even written her the email you sent. Bottom line is you need to take care of you and as long as you hang on, contemplate what could have been and fret over the past, the longer it will take to get yourself healed. A lot of us are on the boat with you. Your Ex deserves none of your time. When you give it to them, especially when they do not deserve it, you are telling them "I don't care about myself." At least that's the way I see things. Silence is golden. It says a million words without once opening your mouth. It leaves them guessing, not you. And it gives you back your personal power. The more you talk to an Ex, the more you give them power over you. You are saying "I don't respect myself." As am I getting ready for bed I was thinking "Would I take the Ex back if she came to me?" No, was the answer. She used me in the worst way. To fill a gap between her Ex and the new guy. That's all I really ever was to her. She got her needs filled at the expense of mine. How utterly cruel and heartless can you be? And why would I give someone like that any of my time? I won't and neither should you.
magda Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I disagree with ThatOneGuy. I doubt she will remember what you tell her, if you do, just that you were mad and unreasonable. (Whether you were reasonable or not, she will remember you as unreasonable if you fly off the handle and spew a bunch of venom.) She'll be gone for good soon and out of your life. The best revenge is ambivalence.
ThatOneGuy Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Oh come now. If he continue’s his silence it leaves the window of contact open, and she might stroll back into his life when he least expects it. If he gets everything off his chest now, it will push her away and I doubt that he’ll ever see her again.
magda Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 He can ignore her then too and preserve his dignity both times.
ThatOneGuy Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Dignity? What an autistic notion, dignity. And I do believe that you are indeed forgetting that had she not owed him money, he would have told her off a long time ago, and this ordeal would no longer be an issue. Telling someone what you REALLY think of them is a liberating experience, and trying to ignore/avoid contact with the person is a lot more time consuming and emotionally nerve-wracking then telling her off. Dignity is all well and good, but I don’t believe telling someone off that has it coming really lowers your “Dignity”. It’s more like Justice being served. Active Karma, “What goes around comes around”.
magda Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I'm operating under the assumption that if he got into it with her, he'd probably end up regretting it by revealing too much of how he feels. I'm a big believer in ambivalence being worse than hate, and so forth. By spewing a bunch of all that he'd simply be showing that he's not over her, in one way or another. My other point is that it is not going to hurt her any to hear how he feels if he says it in a ranting manner. (The infamous email from the ranting ex. I've seen a few of them.) "Look what my psycho ex is saying now. What an idiot." I sincerely doubt that he would really "get her good" or anything close. Maybe a well phrased, short, sarcastic email that you are glad she was able to "make time" to pay back the money she owed. But as far as "exploding" well, I've said my piece.
Author Shattered Heart Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 Okay, I'm finally glad you see what I've been struggling with, ever since I was made aware of "the real truth" which my ex had been sugar-coating the whole time. Magda and ThatOneGuy, you haven't even been involved in my situation, and already this topic has stirred a heated debate between you two. Just imagine what I've been going through. You guys are just two of the millions of opposing voices that have made their way into my psyche, and your views and perceptions have been considered many times over. It's like I have an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. The only problem is I don't know who is saying what. That's why my decision is so hard to make. As for what I'd be revealing to her, it wouldn't be my feelings as much as it would be the hard evidence of the plain and simple truth that I was made aware of, and which she had denied every time I questioned her about certain things. And the hardest thing I've had to bear is her lying right to my face when I know otherwise. If I didn't know any better, I'd actually believe her lies as the truth. But it's different when she thinks I'm clueless and, in reality, I'm actually ten steps ahead of her. In terms of knowing the truth, I'm the one with the upper hand, yet she still thinks she's pulling the wool over my eyes. And here I sit, knowing that she hasn't a clue to my knowledge about everything, while she's currently driving out to CA to live her new worry-free life with her new boyfriend, all the while thinking she got away with murder. And a huge part of the reason why I want to "explode" on her is because I don't want her living the rest of her life thinking that I was an ignorant fool who believed everything she told me, since what other basis would I have to go by, had I not found out the truth through other means? If I wasn't filled with this knowledge, I would have no reason not to believe her cunning lies, but to only accept what she says as the "truth". And there lies the gut-wrenching reality of it all. As far as she's concerned, I've already accepted what she's told me to be the truth. But what I have a hard time swallowing is "letting" her believe that I HAVE accepted what she's told me, which are nothing but mere LIES. So, yes, you could say that I want to expose "some" feelings to her, but it's really more along the lines of revealing to her 'I KNOW EVERYTHING...AND YOU DIDN'T GET AWAY WITH IT!!!' And CaliGuy, I realize I'm obsessing over her, but I can't help it. Believe me, if I could, I would forget everything about her in a second. Every thought, every memory, all the good bad and ugly, EVERYTHING! But, unfortunately, there's no magic pill out there that can erase our exes from our minds. If there were, I'd put my life savings into the company stock that successfully makes such a pill. Oh, and CaliGuy, maybe you can put a major hurtin' on this guy once they both arrive in your neck of the woods, which should be tomorrow. Haha. After all, as much as she's responsible for being highly influenced by his suave words, HE'S really the main one responsible for professing his love to her while we were still a couple. Once he did that, I was a goner, since I couldn't offer her California, being in NY. She basically sold herself to the highest bidder, and I seriously think she's using this guy as a free ticket, because for the next two months, he's going to be taking her to different places out west. After she's all "stimulated" with all her sight-seeing, she'll then look for a job. Until then, she'll be unemployed for two months while she "allows" him to take her here and there. Must be nice. All I know is that some people actually have to work for a living. Ughhh, I can't!
preferwhispers Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 I realize I'm obsessing over her, but I can't help it. Believe me, if I could, I would forget everything about her in a second. Every thought, every memory, all the good bad and ugly, EVERYTHING! But, unfortunately, there's no magic pill out there that can erase our exes from our minds. If there were, I'd put my life savings into the company stock that successfully makes such a pill. Have you guys seen "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?" Absolutely great movie. Watch only if you want to feel like crap, though.
ThatOneGuy Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Explode on her dude, you know you want to. I mean, I think that's the best part of a break-up is telling them all the stuff you knew about/get away with. DOOOOO IT! lol, I want you to go and write the best Well constructed, intelligent, insulting e-mail of your life. Let her know that in the end she got away with nothing, and that when her current boyfriend finds out what she's really like she'll be forced back into the gutter where trash like her belongs.
salmagundi Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 No, dont write the email. Silence is better because if she lied and treated you like **** and whatever she knows it and even if she acts like she doesnt have a conscience she does and it will f*ck with her and make her think she is a worthless ****ty person, dont worry. I've known women in my circle of friends who treat men bad and torment themselves to no end over it. She will too. BUT...if you write her an insulting email, all you are doing is giving her a free pass to not worry about how she treated you because, well, you're a jerk. At least thats what she'll tell herself. So you're gesture will be self-defeating and will actually help to assuage her guilt. Add to that the fact that its just undiginified. An insulting letter will just make you look, hurt, vulnerable, hysterical, pitiable. Silence puts you above her. It allows her no access to what you think of her, which means she wont know what to think. Thats better, because her conscience will make her think that you probably think she is a evil b**ch and so she'll go back to falling on her own sword. And you keep you're dignity. And finally, this insulting letter you wanna write? Do you want all her friends reading too and agreeing with her that yes, you are an hysterical jack-ass?
lilmoma1973 Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Maybe she was wanting you to be crying and begging her back .. I don't get why she was so mad if she was moving on and moving away with another guy!! Sounds to me like she wants her cake and eat it too..I wouldn't give her a second thought good riddens of her ,atleast you got your money!! Maybe she knows now that only reason you was being nice cause, you wanted your money and she thought it was more to it..
CaliGuy Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 All sending a nasty break up letter does is confirm the decision in their mind to dump you. Be a bigger man, implement NC and let her concious do it's work on her.
Art_Critic Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Explode on her dude, you know you want to. I mean, I think that's the best part of a break-up is telling them all the stuff you knew about/get away with. DOOOOO IT! lol, I want you to go and write the best Well constructed, intelligent, insulting e-mail of your life. Let her know that in the end she got away with nothing, and that when her current boyfriend finds out what she's really like she'll be forced back into the gutter where trash like her belongs. cheering someone on to write a hate letter is not the soundest advice I've seen in this thread so far. All it will do is inflame you and piss her off. Like Caliguy said.. it will also reaffirm her decision to breakup with you and then you get to operate and own the pyscho ex award with an anger problem.
notmakingsense Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 You know? Normally I'd fall into the NC camp, but this thread really has me thinking.... Here's what I'd do Shattered -- think about the result of sending her that note. What are the possible outcomes? How would those outcomes affect you? Some starters... (a) She simply ignores the note. How satisfying would that be to you? Would you remain hurt/pissed because she didn't acknowledge you? (b) She retorts and starts a flame war. What was your past history of disagreements with her? How did they usually end up? This war will probably end the same way. How will that make you feel? © She responds and says -- yes, you are right. I'm sorry. Would this even happen? Doubtful, but possible. But still, so then what? Will you feel better about being vindicated? For me, the outcome of A, B, or C would still leave me feeling ****ty, because I'm still entrenched in thinking about our relationship being over. But, on the other hand, I often think about writing one last note to my ex -- letting her have it for how she treated me. For now, I'm still in the NC camp, but I'm interested to see how this pans out!
lindya Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Dignity is all well and good, but I don’t believe telling someone off that has it coming really lowers your “Dignity”. Once a relationship is over, the time to display emotion (positive or negative) towards that person, or discuss your anger/sadness/outrage with them, is also over. However appallingly this woman might have behaved, the OP just needs to focus on being relieved that he'll no longer be subjected to any more of her crap. More fool the new guy who lent her money to pay off these debts.
LonelyinOhio Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 If you really aren't sure about whether or not to send her that email, do this: Write it. Don't send it. And wait 3 weeks. Then read it to yourself. Then see where you stand. The problem with anger is that it's almost always a flash of emotion - and once that email is out there, you can't take it back. For that reason alone, stick with nc. There is NO QUESTION that the best thing you can do to take revenge on her, is complete ambivalence. Oh and by the way -- there's also no question that she'll reach out to you in the next 6 months or so, when she discovers that life in CA with this new guy isn't the fairy tale she thought it would be. Be ready for that, and remain in nc at that time, as well. Good luck.
PlentyLV007 Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Explode on her dude, you know you want to. I mean, I think that's the best part of a break-up is telling them all the stuff you knew about/get away with. DOOOOO IT! lol, I want you to go and write the best Well constructed, intelligent, insulting e-mail of your life. Let her know that in the end she got away with nothing, and that when her current boyfriend finds out what she's really like she'll be forced back into the gutter where trash like her belongs. HOLD THE LETTER!!! GEEZ...ok...when "I" broke up with my ex...mind you I still loved him...he is the type of guy that he knows something is wrong but, will just let it get worse. So I broke up with him because he didn't know after 5 years where we were going...I was 23 him 24. I mean after 5 years I wanted to know where we were going. He didn't know, he was unsure of everything we had. He wanted me to wait for him 2 more years... yeah...ok...I gave you 5 years and you want two more years to keep confusing yourself. no.... After I broke up with him 4 months later I wrote him an email. Telling him how I felt, how in my heart I would always love him and if he ever felt that he needed me for anything that I would be there. We were friends for a good year before we got togheter...so I love him so. We went through a lot toghether. He just didn't value our Love as much as I did. He never asnwered....a year later....I called him.... Left him a voicemail...Of course knowing that he wouldn't call me back. To my surprise he did....we talked and well he did tell me a lot of hurtful things...but, I took it like a champ. I did not cry (even though it hurt like hell) and I took every word he said into consideration and value. Of how much I hurt him and how I "really" made him feel. You would call this closure. We never spoke again. Did it help? Honestly yes! Did it hurt yes! But it helped me become a better person. I can honestly say I that if I were to see him or talk to him again...I would thank him. Thank him for letting me walk away! Thank him for not calling me and letting me know how he was. Thanking him for realizing that we were better off w/out one another. Now I see pictures of him and I know of him by our friends...I'm very happy to see him happy. Call me weird but...I don't regret anything. SCREW IT...do what ever u feel will help...even if it might not give you what you want....even if it hurts....just do it...it WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER!
Author Shattered Heart Posted February 2, 2006 Author Posted February 2, 2006 Let her know that in the end she got away with nothing, and that when her current boyfriend finds out what she's really like she'll be forced back into the gutter where trash like her belongs. You have no idea how much I want her true colors to show themselves to this guy, and that their relationship fails miserably. At least then I would have SOME satisfaction. I just don't know what would be more satisfying; telling her off, or keeping her guessing. At this point, I only wish the worst for them. Silence puts you above her. It allows her no access to what you think of her, which means she wont know what to think. Thats better, because her conscience will make her think that you probably think she is a evil b**ch and so she'll go back to falling on her own sword. And you keep you're dignity. But if her conscience makes her think that I think she's so evil, will that close the door to her ever wanting to contact me again? As it is, she's already deleted my IM screen name and she deleted me as a friend on her myspace page. Is this normal or is this childish behavior? I get the impression she wants nothing to do with me anymore. Maybe she was wanting you to be crying and begging her back .. I don't get why she was so mad if she was moving on and moving away with another guy!! Sounds to me like she wants her cake and eat it too..I wouldn't give her a second thought good riddens of her ,atleast you got your money!! Maybe she knows now that only reason you was being nice cause, you wanted your money and she thought it was more to it.. Who knows what she wanted. And I think her anger just stemmed from the enormous guilt she's feeling now. And she does want her cake and eat it too. She wants her man AND wants for me to be okay with it and for us to be friends. Probably all so she can feel less guilty for breaking up with me. It's funny you mention how she might have suspected the only reason I was nice to her was so I could get my money back. I've been thinking that same thing, but good, let her think that. I'm not stupid. I wasn't going to risk anything. And I think she may now suspect the hidden meaning behind my niceness to her after she dumped me. All it will do is inflame you and piss her off. Like Caliguy said.. it will also reaffirm her decision to breakup with you and then you get to operate and own the pyscho ex award with an anger problem. I may be the psycho ex with an anger problem, but there's good reason for that. As much as the breakup would have still hurt, it wouldn't have been half as bad had she been straight up with me from the start and not repeatedly lie to my face. She brought this upon herself. (a) She simply ignores the note. How satisfying would that be to you? Would you remain hurt/pissed because she didn't acknowledge you? I wouldn't want to "write" it anyway. First of all, I wouldn't want anything in writing that she could use against me. Secondly, she would probably show her boyfriend/friends/family and that would only be adding fuel to the unnecessary fire. I wouldn't even call to tell her, since I'd fear she'd have me on speaker phone. If I were to do this, the only way I would do it is in person. And now I can't because she's on the other side of the country. (b) She retorts and starts a flame war. What was your past history of disagreements with her? How did they usually end up? This war will probably end the same way. How will that make you feel? In our 14 or so months together, we never once fought. That's what was so great about us. This would actually be our first fight, if I chose to start it. © She responds and says -- yes, you are right. I'm sorry. Would this even happen? Doubtful, but possible. But still, so then what? Will you feel better about being vindicated? Knowing her...HIGHLY doubtful. And I'll never know how I will feel unless I actually do it...IF I ever do it. But I'm leaning towards not doing it, and perhaps if we meet up again years from now, I could possibly tell her then. More fool the new guy who lent her money to pay off these debts. I have a feeling he never would have lent her the money if they didn't plan on getting married which, by the way, they have been planning since she broke up with me. I don't think any regular "new guy" would be so foolish as to pay off the girlfriend's debts that she owes to her previous boyfriend. I really hope she sticks it to him though. He might get his in the end. And I really hope and pray for that. If you really aren't sure about whether or not to send her that email, do this: Write it. Don't send it. And wait 3 weeks. Then read it to yourself. Actually, there are a bunch of notes, letters, and e-mails that I've written but haven't sent her. Psychologically speaking, the act of writing down your feelings, thoughts and emotions is one of the best things you can do after a breakup because it flushes your racing, cluttered mind from the negativity. This is also the reason why writing in diaries is strongly encouraged. If nothing else, but to clear your mind. Actually, a dicussion board such as this site is used in a very similar manner. Not only do we get to free our minds by posting threads, but there's also the added benefit of gaining knowledge, insight, and advice from people who either are or have been in the same boat as us. For me, posting and replying on this site has really helped me find answers I might have normally never found. Oh and by the way -- there's also no question that she'll reach out to you in the next 6 months or so, when she discovers that life in CA with this new guy isn't the fairy tale she thought it would be. Be ready for that, and remain in nc at that time, as well. You're really sure of that, huh? I've also been thinking to myself 'what would happen if she does contact me months from now, and how should I respond or react?' Do you have any suggestions? And PlentyLV007, thanks for the story. It really got me thinking. And what was your reasoning for calling him after a year's time? Did you just want to catch up on things or did you redevelop feelings for him and want him back? If you did want him back, I'm sure when he revealed his true feelings to you, it kind of solidified your decision that you didn't want to be with him...or that he didn't want to be with you.
Recommended Posts