jerbear Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Any ideas? Below is my predicament. She broke NC after 1 day. Jerry -------------------------------------------------- Background: Known her for 5 years. Was there when she started her bachelor’s degree, when I was first started random classes. Was the only person to call her Sept 11, 2001; no family, friends etc... called her. She called back, left VM and asked if I would come over. She said I was the one who gave her confidence to start her business. Granted she started it without asking me or saying anything. Didn’t call or reply back after 3 weeks, well being a guy, I think she doesn’t want to talk to me so stopped calling. After the 4th week, she called frantic because her laptop doesn’t work; the $75/hr consultants couldn’t get it working all day. I told her that after not talking to me for a month, now she wants my help. I got accepted to grad school which surprised her. She never expected me to “exceed” her; she once called to say she was lying in bed and thought of me; “that I would one day exceed her with my degree.” (an Ivy masters degree and meeting some interesting people) Starting around Oct she started being more amorous and we started sleeping in the same bed, no sex; once and I was invited over more often. I then asked about a vase and she said it was given to her. I said what… so I felt some issues. Dec 27 she called and said she got the 3 month wine subscription and would cook dinner and enjoy the wine together. Dec 30, I sent her flowers saying happy new year to a intelligent, beautiful, woman. She called and said to save my money and thank you. 1st week of Jan, she was busy because of a court case, new year, and start of FY. Jan 11, 2006, I showed up and she said she was tired and wanted a nap. I said ok, let go take a nap; I'll keep you warm. She said ok. After a few minutes, she was hungry so we went to grab some dinner. During the dinner conversation I asked where we are going. She called earlier to ask what I wanted to do when I get my graduate degree. I currently have a FT job and held it for over 5 years. Also I met her when she. She wanted me to get a job in the area, preferably in the same state so she can help me start life. Keep it short, I asked her about the conversation and told her how I felt. During the conversation she bought it up that she is back with Ed and wants it to work out. That she needs to be careful on how things are done between us. No more sleep overs, taking naps, going out. I was upset... forward to... Tuesday night I called her at 324am to say we need to talk. On Wednesday we catch up and she said she has things to do and was tired and I said ok tomorrow? She said ok; and gave me a deep hard hug; Thursday we met and she had to get pricing quotes. I said ok maybe Monday. She said how about the weekend. I said I'll be in Washington DC for a conference, unless you plan on joining me. She said nah and gave me a deep hard hug. She left me a voicemail for Thursday about the Mon Jan 11 talk about that it was not me and that I should keep what doing what I do and that she was always attracted to older men. It was not me and for me to continue being me. Right now, we're keeping distances from each other. No emails, phone calls, public meetings, sharing beds, visiting each other. It was last MLK, Monday (1/16/2006) which we pretty much agreed to take time away. Around November, I met her friend and both of us went over to watch a movie. She was tired and fell asleep on her friend's couch, made a comment about me being near her side; attending to her hand and feet. I said sure, gave her my jacket then she fell asleep. Her friend said she never falls asleep anywhere. Her friend said I can go home but I said nah I can stay and drive SO home. SO would wake up here and there then say nah to staying the night and would drive us home. So there is something. In December 11 she asked what I wanted for Christmas, I immediately said "I want you". She paused then said she was broken, getting white hair, life is in disarray, and that I need someone younger. I accept her for who she is, the woman she is, and the woman she will become. If I wanted a younger woman, I would not be having the conversation. She is over 9 years older than me. I asked her out to watch the New Years Gala at Radio City in NYC this past Saturday. She said yes. That was the Monday (1/11/2006) before MLK Monday. I know her and put that into her schedule. Our MLK day conversation, a few things were bought up. She said only friendship, then I bought up things; past 30 minutes, past 3 years, 1st day of meeting etc. and she was surprised. She said she won't risk the friendship on a what if and no regrets of that decision. She wants me to graduate, use the MGA degree, go be successful. Stay in the area, Philly but preferably NJ. So she can help me get settled, get a steady relationship etc. She looked at me and loved my hair cut, and commented on it a few times. I said to her I did it because I was called a "madam" while checking in at the Marriot plus I was about to do what I was about to do. I better look good. SO was like wow. I also found out from her two friends that she is having 2nd thoughts with her "new" 52 yr old "bf/friend"; he is stringing her along. SO wants the relationship to work out with Ed. Her two friends, one I've met just said she is not here and whatever you are going to do; DON'T. Her friend then said you two have something going on and it ain't friendship. Her friend said she is in a vulnerable moment, having home issues, and to give her time. I told her friend, well I have to at least tell her how I really feel and get it off my shoulder. One has to choose their battles and this is one I have to fight; even a losing battle. I told her that she calms me, whatever ails me she would defuse, if I was upset, she could defuse it. SO said Ed said the same thing. She wants stability, safety, and a future. She said she has always been attracted to older men. She noticed that the last few years that I have improved my stability, safety, and future; just no money now. I did surprise her and proved somewhat that I can exceed her expectations. She once called me and bought up that I would one day exceed her. During the conversation SO said I was the only young one to stick around and pursue her. I said I was the one for her, the one to bring balance, calm to home, work, love, and future. I would take her cell phone away, take her car key away not the FOB and take her somewhere. I said I will bring balance, if I detect changes I will bring you back into balance. SO asked about me dating history, I said I've dated a few in the past months and remember an ex. I told SO that when I was intimate with Norma, I was not thinking of the ex but of her. She said then the EX was not the one for you. I said no kidding that is why I'm here talking to you. She said I should be going out and date some; I said I did and most went to 2-3 dates but I still came back to you. She told me she bounced a check a few weeks ago, overdrawn by $1000, the first time in her years. She then said she was under stress, the guy that persuaded her to pursue the court case dumped her and left her. I didn't know that she dated a guy and now no longer talks to her. I can see where she comes from but she also has a lot of guys around her. She wanted me to graduate, go out and do the best I can with the degree and I told her that no matter where I go I can still bloom. At famous computer company I bloomed, at my current job I bloomed (not like a weed but still bloomed), and after graduating with a new job, I will bloom too. I survived and bloomed. She then said that she is getting white hair, getting old, her hands are showing age. I said I know that but she still looks great, smells great, and still beautiful to me. The hands show her age. I told her that I have never wanted her money. I told her I would even sign a prenuptial agreement giving her everything we make together. She said she doesn't have that much. I said to her so what? The only assets I want from her were what her parents gave her. I wanted her, the one born in hometown, her state. She just smiled and looked at me. I also told her that if we have kids and she still feels like it is a mistake; I'll take them and she can be her own woman again. I'll be a man about it, if I bring them home, I better take care of them. She then said I do want to have kids and feel it is part of happiness. She then wants an older man, stability, safe, and I said more like Freudian psychology of wanting a father figure, she was close to her dad and she was devastated when he past away when she was 30. She looked at me and I explained it to her. Stress brings it down, you know why you like, him, knight in shinning armor, older, helped you (she hired him) to put the hardwood floors in. Grates were custom made for free. That he was the floor guy pissed me off; but that is besides the point. I said I know and understand her a little better now. That is how she got me when she met me at Wharton and when she started her business. She then asked me to explain and I told her the safety, the midlife crisis, the older man, the men around her, "me", business, house, home, her older brother, younger sister, her mom, everything pulling on her. I said to her I can take care of a lot of those things. She looked at me and said you are getting to know me. I said back to her, I took the time and would spend the rest of my life learning what makes you tick. I told her I wanted to know what makes her purr, moan, groan, and scream. I would take the time to figure it out. I told her I will have evening sex with her everyday. Settle all disagreements and arguments we have. Whoever's on top, I don't care, as long as we are together; in fact I told her she can be on top. If you don't want to do it, I'll just leave it inside because I know you would feel safe and know I'm not out there ****ing around. I said I will have morning sex is to start the day off right; more so on the weekends. Going out of the house with a smile and knowing someone loves you plus you got some well those are some points. That has positives. After that she complained about her white hair, and I came back saying "so", I said I liked her hair and honestly didn't notice and besides you can color it. I even told her I wouldn't even mind if she was trimmed or bald down there. She said stop it and won't go there. I stopped and said fine. She said she wants a friend's first then see how that goes; I said I know that was why I stuck around. She bought the kissing romantically, I said I know we didn't. I understand some Virgos, they need to know they are constantly loved, wanted, and desired. Yes, they do periodically require some prodding. Prodding that allowed me to take her home to the train station, then train station near home, then spend the night, then spend nights watching tv in the same bed, napping, and now this. We didn’t kiss because one of us would break away. We almost did, and she said yeah. I told her that if she called that she will be home late; when she gets home, dinner will be ready. She said I don't cook, I replied, no reason because her kitchen still doesn't work. Under renovation, besides the cooking is one big chemistry experiment; put a pinch here put a pinch of that there, and viola. Worse thing that can happen is food all over the place. I bought up 9/11. She remembers when I was the only one to call her when Sept 11, 2001 happened. Her other friends, family, and colleagues didn't call; I called. She remembered when she got cold, I gave her my jacket. She remembered when she had computer issues, no one was able to help including those $75/hr types. Once her network went down, a guy by chance was buying a mortgage product from her; looked at it took like 2 hours and still didn't get it right. I got it figured out in 15 minutes, fixed in 2 hours because I had to find a store that had something in stock. I said to her I want her to be my dance partner in dancing and in life. She looked at me and said I remember you asking me and almost did. She wanted to learn to ballroom dance, and I said "I offered it to you and that I wanted her to be my dance partner" She said "I remember". She bought up that I surprised her when I got accepted to the MGA program and now about to complete it. I think she underestimates me sometimes. She didn't know I know how to cut veggies, how to cook without a microwave. She bought up that we never had a romantic kiss, I said true because we both chickened out. Going on a real date, or going out, we both chickened out. I pursued but then she chickened out and vice versa due to career, life, or just chicken. She bought up we didn't hold hands, I said not for more than 5 minutes. I grabbed her hands a few times and she gave me that "you got me look." SO said I was one of two best things to happen to her at school (Ivy League business school) I had been though many years with me, that I helped her though the years. School, start of her business, crunches, sounding board, etc... I said I know and been the one to support and help her thru the years. Anyway that Monday, I told her that one reason I got a hair cut and doing what I was doing because I'm making a battle of my life right now and telling her how I felt. Even if it was a battle I might lose, some battles need to be fought. I also told her what I had in my sports jacket pockets; left pocket had a letter and in the right pocket a ring to back my words with action. She told me to shred the letter and keep the ring. She was surprised by both actions and that I was bold and assertive. Before then end of the meeting, she then bought up that she needs to take time away, get her head out of her ass, get balance, and get centered. I bought up that deep down inside she does have feelings and why that is true. She looked at me and said we should take some time to see. I said fine. The next day, Tuesday (1/17/2006) SO called to say Adobe Acrobat 6.0 on her work computers failed to work and asked for help. I let it go to voicemail, I didn't return her call. She called Wednesday afternoon, asking for help, I answered the afternoon call. She asked why I didn't call and I told her that if she called in the morning I would have had some choice words and that I might have said a few things I might regret. Anyway, I agreed after telling her that "I thought we were not talking to see if we can live without each other." and that Acrobat 7.0 will fix it. We'll I got one computer working because Adobe Acrobat 7.0 requires registration... one license = one computer. The main point was she needed to send out marketing materials in PDF format and couldn't generate it. I told her I agreed to help her because her business was her livelihood and fundamental to everything she had. I told that I maybe upset after Monday's talk, I revealed my true feelings and that I want to be her husband one day; but I'm still a human being with feelings and understanding. If I want to be your husband, I better show feelings and compassion. That was some of the reasons why I helped her. When I got to her office, I just started doing what needed to be done. When it was her laptop in her office., I looked up at her and she just looked at me, smiled then let finished up. She came over and actually let me touch her hands, rub it, and look at her white hair patch. She even leaned close to me. I said to her she did her nails and it was nice. She was bitting earlier, she said yeah, need to touch it up. When Adobe was done, she asked if she should buy the server; I said only if you need it. Right now you don't and that would just be another item for you to worry about. I said to her, settle the case, get the house in order; then worry about the server. I made a comment, I guess you need me more than you think. The stuff we're doing right now is easy. Wait till the server shows up. She then said I do need you more than you think, you’re one of the best things to happen to me. I wanted to kiss her then. She said was very appreciative of my actions because she didn't think I would help her after our Monday talk. She didn't expect me to help her. She was surprised and floored when I was putting action to my words. I had the diamond right with me and said to her I will back these words with action, and this ring would prove it. I then told her I know at one point you wanted a 3 carat, this is a one carat, I promise you a 3 carat one day. She said that is not just it; I interrupted her and said I know and these things are just tokens. They are just tokens and that I have to strive to keep it. I told her early on that I would still chase her after getting married. I also told her my character values, "for love or money, I choose love." She said yeah I know. When we were about to part ways Wednesday night, she bought up the friendship issue about having those friends that I spent a month going on HK/Tokyo & Milan. SO said I surprised her that I would give up a friendship and that I have long term friendships with women; i.e. you, college buds, etc. I said to her they were friends long before; never had inclinations, and kept it at that. What I don't need is "more of those" but a wife. She doesn't understand why I could have those friends and not keep it with her. I said to her, they are not the ones I'm trying to have a family with. She then bought up that she needs to take time away, get her head out of her ass, get balance, get centered. I said to her, it is a decision you have to make but in the meantime, study and ace that Principals test, get your end of Jan 30 issues (test, law case, work, Ed) settled and my offer still stands. I'm not going to wait forever. We'll talk later. We haven't chatted at all since that Wednesday night. I can't be friends with her by following her terms. What she wants is status quo as if nothing changed. She wants her cake and eat it too. I can't and won't drop everything and be there that night to help her. It might even be a few days to a few weeks. She doesn't want that. She was very upset that I would be a distant friend. I told her I have been down that path and I would not contact her unless she contacted me for some major emergency and it better be good. If she wants a call everyday and the drop everything and help her; well that is not for a #2 or whatever # it is. I've called her almost everyday since I've met her, only on vacation (HK & Tokyo, etc...) that I have not talked to her that long. Honestly, I do miss her and want to talk to her; I know I can't honor her friendship by calling her daily/weekly, hanging out, etc. I don't even call my mom every week. I would not be obliged to help or drop everything and help. I don't even spend that much time with my closest friends. I don't call my friends everyday. ---- Regarding the cold turkey that is why I agreed to keep our distances from each other. She required the cornering to get things done, she liked the idea I'm patient, put up with her crap, her rants, her wishy washy feelings, and just putting up with her. I told her that is because I care, love her, and understand some of her issues. She would then say, "I'm broken, you need someone younger etc." I would reply back, "if I did, I wouldn't be talking to you. If I was following your younger woman thing, I would not be talking to you now." Honestly, I would call her on Jan 30/31 to see how her test went; then go from there. Every time I come back to my desk, I look at the phone for voicemail and check her folder on email to see if there are any messages.
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