QuixoticDreamer Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Basic Info: My girlfriend and I are in a relationship, coming near our one year anniversay. She lives with me, and we both throughout our relationship have considered eachother soulmates. Now, a month away from our one year, we hit a problem. We are fighting all the time about mundane stuff. The fights get pretty heated. We've fought twice in the past two days. I think that these fights, while disturbing, can be worked through and the underlying issues causing them are ultimately and inherently fixable. She's not so sure. I feel that she isn't striking the proper attitude. I feel she is focussing too much on the negative and not taking into account that at times relationships are hard. And, if we both wish it to work out, we only need to do just that, work it out. That as long as both us still feel the same about eachother, which I do and she says she does, then, the hardest part is over. I also feel that breaking up should only be reserved for a last resort only. I mean, normaly, in any other relationship I wouldn't be this interested in perserving it. However, both she and I have planned our wedding together and, on numerous occasion, expressed a desire to have children together. I believe that this future is too much to give up over such small problems and am willing to fight for our relationship, putting in both the time and the work necessary. So, I don't know, what do you think? Am I being overly optimistic? Should I be more realistic or does one need to think positively in this situation?
Walk Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 These are just thoughts since I don't know your exact situation, so take it as suggestions and if you find they apply then use or discard as you choose. I think that if you're fighting about fairly small things and she's this upset, then there's a deeper level to this problem then you've been either able to understand or she's telling you. Are you really attempting to see the problem through her eyes, or have you dismissed anything she's said as unimportant, not relevant, or doesn't make sense to you? I can't tell you how many men have told me that I shouldn't feel a certain way over somethign they've done. When the fact is I can't change how I feel. Either it hit a nerve from a past experience, or a certain way I feel about something. You don't have to agree with her reaction, but acknowledge her feelings, don't discard them. Another thought.. You may not see this as major because of how you view life. If she is, then you need to place yourself in her shoes and attempt to understand better. Let her talk, let her express herself and really listen to what she is saying without trying to come up with reasons why she shouldn't feel that way, or why she's wrong, or how you didn't mean it, etc. Ask more questions, dig deeper, and then when you think you understand, say it back to her and ask her if you have it right. Don't say one word in defense of yourself until you fully understand where she is coming from, how she feels, and why. This might be a simple matter of communication problems. Maybe she's feeling like you don't understand what she's saying and your dismissing it as simple and small problems. Or it could be that she's decided she isn't sure your "the one" anymore, and she's looking for a way out. Or, you're becomming too needy or clingy and she's pushing away from that. Maybe you just need to give her some more space. Maybe she's re-evaluating the relationship at this point and is using small things as an excuse to gain more distance because she wasn't able to get it any other way. Do you see any consistant themes in your arguments? Is it the same argument each time, or are they very different? What are you arguing about?
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