cygny Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 you mean like tell her you haven't dated a western woman for years and you were just kinda amazed by her? i probably wouldn't say much more than that---but something lighthearted that is also a polite compliment could work to relieve any awkwardness...not sure if you need to go to coffee for that...
loony Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 No, she's Canadian and her family's actually from Guayana. Cygny, do you think it would be a bad idea to suggest coffee sometime and just talk to her, maybe explain where I am coming from? I mean, I wouldn't honestly expect anything, it's just that I feel like I might have confused the hell out of her. It is entirely possible that I just misread a lot of things. You were saying that some of the people you dated became friends afterward...how did that work? Ok, stop fooling yourself. Even I with my limited dating experience know that the main motivation here is not altruism. Even less if this is coming from a guy who says he doesn't want to be friends with women. This is an ego thing, nothing more nothing less, so don't be surprised if she won't accept your offer for a friendship. Even I can smell something fishy here.
Author amerikajin Posted February 9, 2006 Author Posted February 9, 2006 I don't know, loony. I think I'm confused about a lot of things. I know I have been friends with people after having been rejected or dumped before, but it's possible that right now might not be the best time to pursue a 'friendship'. I guess if it's meant to be, it's meant to be; if it's not, it's not.
Author amerikajin Posted February 9, 2006 Author Posted February 9, 2006 I just feel like an ass...this was a total meltdown on my part. Any of you guys ever done the same kind of thing? Any of you guys ever felt like you blew something good because of something silly you did?
loony Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 I don't think your behavior towards her really has that much to do that you haven't dated a Western woman in 4 years, ergo, there is not much to explain. It's a feeble attempt to contact her and turn the game around, but it won't work. You're being wimpy and desperate and I think I got grumpy right now because it reminds me of myself. She won't care about your insecurity and if come up with your explanation she will think less of you.
loony Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 I just feel like an ass...this was a total meltdown on my part. Any of you guys ever done the same kind of thing? Any of you guys ever felt like you blew something good because of something silly you did? It's never only one thing that causes a situation to not work out. It's bigger things, like your general approach to life, your attitude to women, men, people, your character, etc. that influences the situation. You might think it was the wrong location on date 3, it's not. If two people were really meant together, than one slip by your partner would be caught by you and vice versa. The slip becomes important when your partner sees other things that he doesn't like or doesn't want in a partner.
Author amerikajin Posted February 9, 2006 Author Posted February 9, 2006 I don't think your behavior towards her really has that much to do that you haven't dated a Western woman in 4 years, ergo, there is not much to explain. It's a feeble attempt to contact her and turn the game around, but it won't work. My behavior is one of confusion - I'll admit that. Everybody makes mistakes when it comes to dating, and I've made mine, for which I take responsibility. No, the game is over - I already know that. A friend of mine was trying to talk me into coming up with some cockamaimee excuse about how the work environment made me nutty but I shrugged it off. I already know I'm out so I am not delusional here. Hell, even if I wanted to, there are probably ten guys who approach her every day. So it's over. There are things I genuinely like about her. I get confused sometimes between wanting to be someone's friend and wanting more. I guess I know that more ain't gonna happen, but I also lament knowing that I'm going to miss out on this person's good personality. You're being wimpy and desperate and I think I got grumpy right now because it reminds me of myself. She won't care about your insecurity and if come up with your explanation she will think less of you. Well I don't see how being introspective and taking a second look at things is being 'wimpy'. I haven't said anything else to her since we had our last phone conversation. I was just trying to get some feedback to see if it would be worth talking to her. Yeah, I want to make myself feel better about this - who doesn't? I am mature enough to be friends with someone if that's what they want...doesn't mean we'll be best friends but we can still be friends.
loony Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Wimpy is not being introspective, wimpy is trying to be someone's friend when you want more. It's the dishonesty and the lack of spine to stand up for your feelings that makes you wimpy. You still want her too much to be able to maintain a sincere friendship. And I absolutely don't buy your reason for contacting her. As I already said, I don't think it's the fact that you haven't dated a Western woman in 4 years that messed things up.
Author amerikajin Posted February 9, 2006 Author Posted February 9, 2006 Mmmmm....okay, you're right. I guess I just can't seem to let things go sometimes. I have become friends with people in the past in situations like this but when I reflect on it, now that you mention it, I think that's always happened when there has been some sort of opportunity that allows us to reconnect. I agree that going straight from this to friendship isn't really doable. Not for her or me.
blind_otter Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Oh NOOOOO! No coffee. That's like sticking your tail between your legs and walking around with your ears down like a kicked dog. If there was a preexisting friendship,mebbe. Not now, tho. It's 3 dates. It's not worth an explanation. Love ya! otts.
alphamale Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 No, on the first dinner date I offered but she politely declined. So we agreed to go dutch after that. dude, you should already know that this is the kiss of death with ANY woman. its a dead giveaway of no romantic interest. she did not want to be indebted to you.
Author amerikajin Posted February 9, 2006 Author Posted February 9, 2006 Mmmmm....yeah, guess this is just one for the road now. Tonight was tough for me because it was the night we were supposed to go out...felt a little blue just thinking about all this stuff inside of my head, and I started wondering 'what if'. I do think too much. I've got a lot of work to do in a lot of areas. Thanks for the input everyone.
alphamale Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 I've got a lot of work to do in a lot of areas. . if needed i will be glad to be of assistance. but not retroactively because that does not accomplish much. just PM me.
Author amerikajin Posted February 9, 2006 Author Posted February 9, 2006 I think the ones with the best advice on these boards came from those who lack that extra appendage:p Seriously, in retrospect, what it all comes down to is that despite my confidence in asking for a phone number, in taking her to a coffee date, and even another date after that, I still didn't have the confidence needed to go the distance with this lady. Confidence is something you can't fake, either. If she would have been some kind of bar slut I could have pumped her and tossed her phone number in the trash the next morning, but 1) I'm not looking for that, and 2) she was/is anything but that. She had it goin' on; I didn't. It's as simple as that. I didn't have it because I doubt myself, and I doubt myself because I f*** around too much in life and don't take enough action to confront my fears. Maybe this was the kick in the balls that I needed to get things going again...but only time will tell. I've improved somewhat but the road is long, the journey is hard, and time is relentless. All this David DeAngelo garbage isn't doing me any favors, I have to go out and get the real edge myself. It's the difference between drinking an energy drink and hitting the gym regularly. Which is more effective? The short blast of sugar or getting into the gym and getting really fit? I've got to take a good, hard look at myself (again) and see where I've improved, and what's still missing.
cygny Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 It's never only one thing that causes a situation to not work out. It's bigger things, like your general approach to life, your attitude to women, men, people, your character, etc. that influences the situation. You might think it was the wrong location on date 3, it's not. If two people were really meant together, than one slip by your partner would be caught by you and vice versa. The slip becomes important when your partner sees other things that he doesn't like or doesn't want in a partner. i can kinda see where early on in a relationship, one thing could be enough of a turn-off, or misunderstandings could develop.
alphamale Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 I've got to take a good, hard look at myself (again) and see where I've improved, and what's still missing. agreed...you also need to pursue women who are romantically interested in you. if they are not interested to begin with then you will get nothing, zero, nada, zilch. women decide which man they want...remember that. can kinda see where early on in a relationship, one thing could be enough of a turn-off, or misunderstandings could develop. yeah, watch seinfeld.
cygny Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 dude, you should already know that this is the kiss of death with ANY woman. its a dead giveaway of no romantic interest. she did not want to be indebted to you. i agree, alpha. (wow i can't believe it, can you? lol) amer--next time when with an alphafemale, don't offer, just take charge and pay. it comes off as far more confident.
loony Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 i can kinda see where early on in a relationship, one thing could be enough of a turn-off, or misunderstandings could develop. Well, sure, if he picks his nose he is out, but that would not be followed by a second, third and forth date. If he turned out to be a cheap guy on the first date he would also not get another one. So whatever it is, I guess, it's less obvious, but might have a greater impact if this was going to be more than just some casual dating. Any of you guys ever felt like you blew something good because of something silly you did? Small silly things don't ruin a date.
alphamale Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 amer--next time when with an alphafemale, don't offer, just take charge and pay. it comes off as far more confident. superb advice CYGNY...when I ask a woman out I'll usually say: "let me take you out for dinner sometime".....and that gets around the problem. I have a funny story....I went out with this nurse a few yrs ago. The check came and I was going to pay it and she says "let me pay part of it..." I said no, I'll take care of whole thing. Then she insists a 2nd time to pay part of the bill....so I say OK, whatever. So she throws in like $30 cash (which was like one-third of the entire bill) Then we get home and we're making out and i'm feeling her titties and she says to me: "Alpha, I can't believe you let me pay part of the bill!" So I'm like WTF!
cygny Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 haha, the nurse was nuts. not an alphafemale, obviously, lol. here's what an alphamale did to me. he was an 'old friend'--but very nice guy, very much a gentleman--and due to other relationships in the way, we never really got together but had a few dinners out. so a few months ago i was in his city and sent him an email--and he invited me to his bank (he is MD--way way up the food chain in all of europe etc), showed me around and then took me to dinner. all the while he is just a great guy, i made a comment that i wish i'd brought my camera because he was taking me on a great tour, and he even went into a shop and bought me one. so we get to the restaurant--very trendy and expensive, which he knew i liked--and asks me what my preferences are--i made some offhand comment about being a red meateater and liking my meat raw--all true. so what does he do--he orders chicken and duck for appetizers and tofu for the main course (the only non-meat option on the entire menu), haha...he made sure he took charge of the ordering and everything the entire evening, btw... then continues to treat me like a perfect gent for the rest of the evening, lol. i've always thought he is the perfect guy--strong but very nice...and not completely predictable.. but never rude. ps--the tofu was actually delicious--lucky for him, lol
blue16 Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 My 2 cents, i've just read up on this thread. I think the important thing is to not have a 'talk' with her about how you screwed up, you aren't usually like this etc...it just comes across as weak/insecure IMO. It would also give her the power because it would seem like you're desperate to get her back or be friends with her, making a huge deal about it when she's probably not concerned nearly as much. Move on to other girls, be cordial to her but don't push for a 'friendship' because we all know there will be hidden motives behind such attempts. It's almost impossible being platonic friends with a hot girl.
Author amerikajin Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 Yeah, I think I'm gonna ditch the idea of friendship. It has happened before, but it's usually been situations in which things have had time to cool off and there's been an opportunity to reconnect later. I agree, bad idea. I look back at this now and realize that, basically, there was attraction but it was not in the stratosphere on her part. It was an imbalance of me being more interested in her (very interested) versus her thinking 'He's a nice guy, but...' not being too, too attracted to me. She was going to give me time to prove myself, I think, but I started pushing early and it made her uncomfortable, and it forced her back - maybe even more than she was aware of, which is probably why she accepted our last date but didn't feel too enthusiastic about it. I was hovering just above the friends zone. I saw that and bailed. I don't think I was wrong to bail out, but I didn't handle it the coolest way. I should have just made up some excuse and cancelled, although in a way, it's good that I did just end it because knowing me, if I had cancelled and had we not any closure, I'd be posting here again ad nauseam asking everyone whether I still had a shot. So this took some of the uncertainty out of it. Maybe not 'cool' and maybe reflective of my insecurity in the relationship, but in the end, what's the difference? Bottom line is, this was not going to work in all likelihood. On to the next one.
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